Caregiving......akin to living hell?

I agree with freqflyer - I am now 63 going on 93. When one of my grandparents moved into my parents' home, my mom was 45 and not working outside the home. Don't get me wrong, it was difficult for her for that year - but at 63 and after 5 years caring for two parents - I feel (and probably look) older than my parents.

I agree with freqflyer - I am now 63 going on 93. When one of my grandparents moved into my parents' home, my mom was 45 and not working outside the home. Don't get me wrong, it was difficult for her for that year - but at 63 and after 5 years caring for two parents - I feel (and probably look) older than my parents.

I can understand what Roscoe888 is talking about... this is something most of us are not trained for, or even thought would be part of our lives with our parent(s) or a loved one. And not everyone is cut out to be hands-on Caregiver, I know I'm not, but I am good at logistics.

Plus one has to remember back when our parents were caring for us as children and teens, the parents normally were in their 20's and 30's.... not in their 60's and 70's.... huge difference in energy levels. Today we have senior citizens trying to care for much older senior citizens.

My father-in-law (93 years old) moved in with us July of this year. He has some bad habits, wears diapers, pees to bed at times, coughs and gags when eating (yes it's gross), picks his nose, talks about anyone and everything over and over, showers when we prod him a bit (we had a special bathroom built for him with safety and ease of use in mind), he has had a heart attack, colon cancer, aneurysm, bad back, gets tired very easy, can only walk with use of cane or walker. His mind tells him he can do anything, his body says hell no. But, this guy fought in Patton's Army during WWII. We owe him, he deserves to live with some dignity during his end years . By the way, all of his vitals (blood work) are controlled perfect and he is on medication. Now as for me, I'm not used to care giving but I am learning. I am retired and am at home 24/7 with him, my wife works (she takes the evening shift and we double team on weekends). I thought it would be different if he lived here with us (better care, safer for him etc), and it is, it's a pain. But it's me. I do a lot of reading, and just joined this forum and as the saying goes, misery loves company. I should have read more before having him here, so now I am catching up. He does get me mad sometimes but I let it go quickly and forgive. I am going to write a journal to give to my kids so that they have before hand knowledge if they ever decide to let my wife and I to live with them instead of putting us in a nursing home. I just got to keep smiling.

My ten-year stint as caregiver for my husband was demanding, frustrating, extremely fatiguing, hard on my health, and the hardest thing I've ever done. Was it h*ll? Oh no. It had rewarding moments. It gave me a sense of purpose. It was one of the most meaningful things I've done in my life. Knowing what I know now, I would do it over again.

This is not to say that it is not a living hell for others. I am not dismissing others' experiences. I just want to add my perspective, too, for balance.

confused and mad: You are doing all you can. Some things are not in our hands to fix. But, All things are fixable. Maybe her passing will actually be a release. For your Mom and for you, too. Keep praying, Jesus hears your heartache and confusion. And HE can help your Mom not be in such Pain, too.
Just keep doing the best you can and leave the rest to God. You are such a sensitive person, you need to know that you have done your best. I would be sure that you have!! Prayers for all of you!

Weekends Off -- I can't believe you have lost compassion for others except yours. Bragging that you can handle your nursing job and then care for your Mom does not serve anyone. Frankly, I came to this page looking for support.
I am caring for my husband, 24/7 and I can't get a break. I long for a full day of respite -- actually 2 weeks anywhere where I didn't have to worry about anything or anyone would be heaven.

But he can't even think straight. He can't get himself around. He can't get through a grocery store, shop, drive safely, or do much more than get himself dressed. His brain is scrambled enough that simple conversations are misunderstood and then he gets angry.

I came here not to bitch but to seek some support and maybe find some solutions to my burn out. Seeing such a crass comment just makes me angry.

I am ashamed to say it is a living h***. My mom is dying of cancer and I have taken care of her every day an night for almost a year now. No breaks and I can't leave the house at all. I can only imagine how she feels so I try not to let her see me cry. I know it is down to weeks now and I feel guilty that I haven't done more for her. I'm her only daughter but we do have hospice that comes everyday an gives me about an hour break. Sometimes I want to run away and hide and a lot of times I do at night. I run to my room and pray for her and me and all the other caregivers in the world. It is the most stressfull thing I've ever had to do and when people tell me how good I am i get frustrated cuz I don't feel good cuz there is always something i can think of to make it better for her but didn't. I am starting to get so depressed and don't know what to do.

In response to "weekendsoff", my mother was not a "loving mother" to me and she still isn't. At least you get paid for what you do. I don't. Take my mother for just a week, and then tell me if you still stand by what you said. Please don't group all caregivers together. We all have different lives and different stories.

There is not a law in this country that forces an individual to become a caregiver to their elderly parent. People do it for various reasons: Love, obligation, morals, financial means, inheritence and so forth. When you choose to do it, it sure can be h***, but it is a choice.

It's five years now that mother (94) has come to live with us. Despite the fact that I am with her 24 /7 and usually only a room away doing house chores,she has managed to urinate in my vases,hide feces full underpants in my fridge, her drawers.closet and even under her mattress and these are the lesser of what we clean and contend with daily.Is it selfish for a caregiver to want what's left of their life without this responsibility? I don't think so. We love them despite our complaints or we wouldn't be doing it. Most of us aren't paid, we won't gain through inheritance of any sort so whatever you look at it it is a labor of love.My only advice to others is before you go to the gym,put out that ciggy or plan for your retirement think twice.The better your health, the longer you last on this earth.Frankly, I enjoy what ever little pleasures .I can because I have no wish to watch myself decay slowly. Those who say they have loved, or love every moment of around the clock, without vacation or respite hours are not saying the truth or they are in denial.They are simply giving lip service to what we have come to accept as politically correct or they love being told what a saint they are for giving up their life for that of a loved one.I am now sleeping (maybe) 5 hours a day.My mother is in perfect health though she suffers dementia and lose of bodily control.I care for her because I feel it is my responsibility and the alternatives would be worse as her fixed income is low.I wouldn't wish even the poshest nursing home on anybody as I have worked in them. It's maintenance only despite the trained smiles and "how are you today, honey" without really listening to what might be said.
We want(ed) life eternal.We strive for it, we have plastic surgery, dye our hair,play at being young but you can't fool mother nature. Are care giver's selfish wishing for life without the added expense,with more time to enjoy a day without poopy pants, cleaning dentures,washing the private parts of parents?
NOOOOOOO.They are being truthful and nothing wrong with that.
Others should try it. A good rant relieve the stress and if you can't do it here then some might snap; go off the deep end. Think before you call someone selfish.Why add to their burden when you can help with a kind word of encouragement.

Its not selfish when you are taking care of a mean, nasty, demanding woman who has been that way all her life. She will suck the life out of you. I am a nurse too and I refuse to care for my boyfriend' Mother who is a nasty, ungrateful, self centered beast. He can have her. I AM GOING TO BE SELFISH AND GET OUT! I do not deserve that life. She calls me a b****. This b**** is taking the selfish route and leaving.

Weekends off, I can't believe you would bash these people when they are here for support. I'm sorry we all can't be wonder woman. I find it hard to believe that you never feel stressed by taking care of your mom. Also don't you think being a RN changes your perspective? You are despicable

The energy and patience of a caregiver depends on a lot of things... age of the caregiver... health of the caregiver... time... all this on top of the caregiver sacrificing their own future... in terms of working and saving for their own healthcare and livelihood... least sacrificing what they could have had in their own lives in terms of a happy family and future... Yes... this is what we caregiver's give up when we love someone... equal to or more than our selves (that's obvious)

I Agree that caregivers who do this 24/7 very definitely suffer consequences of burnout. I care for my husband of 22 years who sustained a traumatic brain injury almost 5 years ago and now has had dementia for 3 years. His brain injury was of the right frontal lobe so be lost nearly all memory of our marriage years and had no filter. He says inappropriate things sometimes and gets irate with me for no reason. Afterwards, he seems to have a sense that he's done something wrong or treated me poorly and In his own way of trying to get his thoughts and words out, he will convey that he's sorry and ask if I will forgive him. I always tell him I love him and that he needn't worry and that he's my husband and I take care of him. But it still makes me very angry when he lashes out at me, cussing, screaming, grabbing my arms, shoving-- When he won't listen to me try to tell him to stop behaving that way. And when I am isolated on our home with him for days and days at a time, having nobody else to communicate with except my husband who can no longer carry on a sensible conversation or keep interest in a tv program or understand anything sensible that I try to talk to him about, I do feel very alone and like my own life is slipping right on by while I do my best to care for him. Although he could go to a VA nursing home, I continue to refuse that as a. Option knowing how much he would not to be placed somewhere outside the home. I realize if I do out-live him, I will feel the guilt over frustrations over hearing the same things from him over and over, etc., but it doesn't mean I'm being selfish when I'm giving up all normal life to be here for him 24/7. I am his ONLY caregiver. He cannot be lest alone so I don't get a break to go to the grocery or to church. I go those places and take him with me and pray his mood will hold out till we return home.

Oh, I understand it. I get majorly upset when I see squirrels, possums, raccoons, or any animals dead on the road. I see animals with fur or hair about like others see children. Some of us are a little crazy when it comes to animals... except maybe cats. I'm not a big fan of cats.

PS.Can't imagine how someone elses dog dieing could be the worst day of your life. You must have a wonderful life! .eyeroll.

I guess I should have clarified...MOM'S Dog. And who cares what you find disturbing. I hate dogs. It's my prerogative. Get as angry as you want. It doesn't hurt me in the slightest. :)

It sounds like you may share some of my concerns.

Jessie belle I agree. it might be better for both if Roscoe and his Mom find other arrangements. I worry about both of them, and the impossible situation they find themselves.

Boni why do you own a dog if you hate him?? find that a bit disturbing. I had to say goodbye to my best friends dog last week, the worst day of my life. I have found my cat to be the most comforting thing in my life since my mum got ill maybe you should give your dog to someone who will love and care for him to own a dog then say you hate him makes me so angry give your dog to someone who will love him.

My mother took care of me for 18 yrs too and she's been with me for 12 yrs now and many times she said I can't wait till you leave!!

What is the saddest thing - is that for most of us - care giving would not be such an all consuming, tiring, monotonous, never ending 'burden' if there was some way to get regular respite. To put the care giving duties onto ONE person - without any assistance and very little acknowledgment - is truly selfish - selfish of the rest of the family who fail the care giver, selfish from the standpoint of our good ole government that cannot allow a week off for care givers each year - because for many - they just cannot afford to PAY for adult day care and for someone to come in and give them a break.

And to complain or vent because we have just listened to the same story for the 100th or the 1000th time - is that SELFISH? Give me a break!

Shame on anyone who comes on this forum and preaches that we OWE our LIVES to our parents or MIL. The only person I promised to love and cherish through sickness and health is my HUBBY - and for him I would die - and for my kids. But, as a parent, I NEVER, EVER want any of my children to be put in the position I have been in for the last 8 years. It is cruel and unusual (and I say that with a little smile on my face - because there have and still are some really unusual days) punishment.

Weekendsoff can check back in in 5-10 years. Would be interesting to read her posts then.

For all you care givers who are hanging on by the skin of your teeth - my prayers are in your behalf each night. Before becoming a care giver - I HAD NO IDEA.................... I had NO idea what care giving entailed until I became one.

I agree LadeeC!!!! I would not let her take care of my dog. and I HATE my dog!

Back again .. and I'll say it again to Weekendsoff .. Hmm .. I think I've met nurses like you. Hope to never have you on my team.

BTW, this was not meant to be mean. It is okay not to be caregiver material. There are so many other options available that will be better for everyone.

kathy, I'm not sure what Roscoe wants, either. Maybe just to vent. I've already learned it is pointless to recommend anything. I feel bad for the situation he and his mother are in and know it doesn't have to be that way.If his messages are true, I think his mother would be better off in a NH, where people don't see her in such a bad light. Some people are just not cut out for caregiving.

Roscoe i have been thinking about your problem all night. This is your third post saying exactly the same thing. What is it you need? Validation your doing the right thing? You are. Recognition of the wonderful person you are for doing this? I feel your a hero, a superhero for battling through the problems.

Can you break the problem into component parts so maybe we can nibble around the edges to get you some relief? What is the biggest problem you have? You always mention loss of freedom? Have you looked into respite care offered by your aging agency? Is there any adult day care in your area?

texarkana! if you can calm down by counting to ten you must be a very calm person!! Ive had 2 cigs and am now deep breathing into a brown paper bag can you come and look after my mum and ME!

Captain you made me laugh!!! Now thats what this site is all about,laugh cry,shout ,scream but never JUDGE!!