My lost world.
I am so angry, so sad and frustrated at the fact that my mother's dementia has worsened. She was diagnosed 3 years ago and watching her deteriorate right before me has made me very angry. I am angry because I cannot reach her. I am angry because we no longer share life. She is into her own world and I am not included. I have lost many years of beautiful memories, I have lost the smile she once possessed when she knew I was coming to see her, I have lost the connection that kept us close, I have lost her entire world to this disease which has completely stolen her away from me. On 8/13/2013 I had to call EMS and have them transport my mother to the hospital against her own will. She has been wandering the streets at 2 and 3 o'clock in the morning hallucinating and thinking that her night were days. She has become a hoarder and has furnished her apartment with nothing but garbage she finds in the street. I have tried to clean up her place, but when attempt to do so she becomes agitated and combative, at time verbally and physically abusive toward my brother and I. Through all of the hurt and turmoil of losing her to this disease, and as much as her dementia progresses, and as much as people tell me that maybe it's time to place her, I cannot turn my back on her. She lives in NYC and I live in Ct. and I am working on bringing her up with me so that I can take care of her until the end of time. Last year I did bring her up to live with me and she was very adamant about returning to the place she only knows as home. It is her environment I do understand, but as of today, as of now, I am her mind and have to make wise decisions because she is no longer in control. So I have decided to sacrifice my life, my world so that I can make things right by her. I am now living with my fiance and about to get married, but our life is going to have to be put on hold so that I can take care of the woman who birthed me, the woman who once sacrificed for me. I could never live with myself should I do otherwise and place her in a nursing home. It's sad whenever I look back to embrace the love, the connection we once possessed because in her mind it no longer exists. She does know who I am, but at times she will mix me up with a sister of mine who took advantage of her illness until I became her power of attorney. I now control her finances. I pay her bills and make sure that she has food. On the other hand my sister became a defalcator and took advantage of her assets. I feel so lost without my mom. She is still her in presence, but she is not here mentally and I am saddened by it all. She is very agitated that she is in the hospital for evaluation, but she is in a safe place where she can not do any harm to herself. I will be picking her this weekend. My heart goes out to everyone who's life has been touched by this illness. I continue to pray for a cure someday. This entire different world has taken so much of myself and whether I accept it or not, it will continue to knock on my door so I am going to do whatever I must to give my mother the best of my life..