Brother and I have different opinions whether mom should be in a nusing home.

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Mom's only problem is she needs help with showering and meal preparation due to mobility issues (she uses a walker). She broke her leg 3 years ago and is 84. Does not have dementia. She lived by herself at home and even drove up to 6 months ago when she got sick with a urinary tract infection. Got very weak and was in rehab and brother thought was best to leave her at nursing home. Mom is using her savings to pay $4000 a month, which will last a year and a half. Brother thinks medicaid will pay for it at after mom is broke. Nursing home says mom can go home now and wouldn't qualify for medicaid in NH because she is independent. I'd like to hire someone to check on her 2-4 hours a day and help with daily tasks. He won't listen to me and has power of attorney. He says the NH is best for mom; my sister lives in her town but doesn't want to be responsible nor caregiver. I feel like they want to stick mom in home because it's convenient for them. I'm so frusterated. Mom would love to return to her home where she's lived for the past 40 years.


If Mother does not have dementia or other mentally disabling conditions, it is her decision. She can return home whenever she wants to.

Even with the DPOA your brother has no control over her person -- over saying where she can live.

Stop letting him make decisions he has no authority to make.
Thank you for your response. NH says need brother's permission to release her. My brother can be reasoned with. I need to convince him that mom can be at home and that Medicaid won't pay for nursing home because she doesn't need 24 hour care. Mother also doesn't want to spend the rest of her savings on a nursing home if she doesn't have to.
Two approaches you might take with your brother. First of all, educate yourself and then him about UTIs. They can create very nasty symptoms in the elderly, but those symptoms are not permanent. Even if the person seems to have severe dementia, they can be perfectly fine when the infection is cleared up. If your brother saw her at her worst that may be why he doesn't think she can live on her own.

And the second point is related. Because the UTI is cleared up and your mother does not have serious disabling conditions Medicaid is not going to pay for her nursing home care. According to their rules, she is not medically qualified and even when she becomes financially qualified they still will not pay. If the nursing home has not explained that to him he should ask them directly.

Very often it is best for the parent to be in a long term care facility. It could be that you are the one in denial and your brother and sister are right. But since this was brought about by a temporary condition, and since the NH is saying she is not medically eligible for Medicaid and is independent, I'm inclined to think brother may be over-reacting and overly protective.

Good luck!
I agree as jeanne says - your bro needs all this explained to him. If your mother does not have dementia, can she change who has POA if your brother will not respond appropriately?
One thing to consider is that your mom may be telling you one thing and your siblings another. I think that is sometimes the cause of these sibling disagreements. My MIL would listen to one son and agree totally with him. The next son would call and she would agree with him. Both thought they were championing her wishes when they argued. Eventually their wives swapped tales and the "double dealing" was revealed. One questioned her as to why she was saying two different things, her answer was "I just agreed rather than argue". My mom, who shows no sign of dementia, does the same thing with her six children. Some moms like to be pleasers.
cherry18 The main issue here your Mom's quality of life. If she can't care for herself at home, either on her own, or with assistance from a family member, or a care service, aide or both, etc. There are many things to consider here, safety, medications, meals, hygiene, exercise, activities, laundry, cleaning, dressing, trips to Dr's, trips to pharmacy. If you can organize all of the daily needs and Mom is stable mentally (on proper medication if needed) if she is not a harm to herself or others this can be a good way to keep her at home. This I must tell you is a very rare situation for many family members to accomplish. If everyone involved can cooperate and take part in her care needs, and most importantly agree for the benefit of your Mom, it can work out. I would bet under these circumstances even if you can do all this your Mom is progressively going to decline in health mentally and physically. Which means you have to make a plan for her future 24/7 care needs.
No person can be force into a nursing home without a health issue that requires the need for 24/7 care. A P.O.A., as far as I know does not give the acting Agent the right to make a medical evaluation. A Judge has no right either, unless your Mom has been evaluated by Dr's, and all is agreed, with all circumstances taken into consideration, and that this is the best situation for your Mom's quality of life. Unless of course, your Mom decides to become a resident at a facility, at her own will.
Then there is of course the BILL!!!! Where's the payment coming from and how much does she have and where has her money been spent in the past. If anyone but your Mom has transferred, given away, or is a beneficiary in the future, of her funds, assets, insurance policies, etc. this will be considered for payment in the process or if she runs out of money to pay the bill and medicaid is needed in the future. Your brother may have ironed out these details in preparation for her future needs.
I suggest you have a family meeting take all the details into consideration and do what you can with the benefit of your Mother in mind.
Thanks everyone. I think the next step is to have a family meeting. I'm in charge of mom's finances, being a CPA. She just has her house and an annuity now worth $90K ($12K already spent on NH). She gets $2200 net income a month from SS and pension. I spoke with my sister yesterday and she is on board with mom coming home as long as home care comes by for a couple of hours a day.
Unless you are willing to step in and be primarily responsible for your Mom, then I would abide by brother's wishes. If you want her released and him taking care of her, that is not fair. That is the situation in which I find myself. Brother does not want mom to go to nursing home but is unwilling to help more. You can't make the decision to place a burden on someone else. Mom may be fine now, but, believe me, things happen every day.
katiekat2009, I'm sorry for your situation? I don't hear Cherry18 saying anything about expecting her brother to take care of Mom. In fact, the plan is for paid in-home care.

You are right. things happen everyday. And if something happens that requires it, there is nothing to prevent a return to the N.H. She went in for a temporary condition that is past now. If she develops a permanent condition, that will need to be addressed when it arises.
Thanks, everyone. Believe me, my brother does not and will not take care of mom; he lives an hour away and very busy with life. But he is going to take a day to go talk to nursing home (verify what I said about Medicaid), talk to mom, and my sister. So, he's coming around. My main issue was that he thought mom was fine in nursing home and once her money is spent down, medicaid will pay. Mom's only problem is using a walker, being a little slow moving, and stubborn about taking a shower...that's probably what lead to the UTI. I want to get mom home, save her money, have some in home care a couple of hours a day. OncehatedDIL is correct; mom is a people pleaser...tells us what we want to hear. She told my brother she was happy at NH and food was good several weeks ago. This was before she learned there was a chance she could return home.

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