Being 4 people at once....HELP!!!

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Oh God.... No respect, run ragged, used, etc.
I have sent notes before about my situation regarding my dad in hospital ( 3 months now) and my mother still at home, when she SHOULD be in a care facility.
I received a very upsetting phone call from a nurse at the hospital were my dad is telling me he wasn't doing very well and he will be on strong antibiotics due to a lung infection and to be prepared because of his advancing age and mounting medical issues. I panicked !!!! Told my husband we HAD to go to the hospital in the morning and see him. I hardly slept at all that night not knowing what to expect.
My dad had given me POA because he could no longer do any of his own banking and other errands that NEVER end. I got a hold of the Notary that first drew up the original document for the POA and had them upgraded to EPOA to protect my parents home. There has been many realtors that target elderly people to coerce them into selling there homes for far less than the value of the property. My mother is almost 95 and I didn't want her to be a victim of these charlatans. She met me at the hospital and talked to my dad and tried to explain to him this is VERY important to do this. It will give me more power to make decisions. He signed the documents. Now, he thinks I am the bad guy and he thinks the Notary is trying to get her hands on his nest egg. Wrong... she has nothing to do with it. It's legal document to protect them. He has laid around in the hospital and the staff can hardly do anything with him because he just won't co-operate. When I visit him he tells me to leave after about an hour. I drive for 4 plus hours return trips to see him and check on my mother. I call my mom at least 4 times a week and him as well because there is a remote phone for patients to use.

I am often told that I need to set boundaries with my parents and put myself ahead of them because they have had there lives. In the past 3 months I have lost 19 lbs. and I won't need to colour my hair any more because my hair is turned so white from stress.
I have a duty to care for them but my health is going down the toilet. I work full time and I'm trying to keep up my own home and take care of all there needs.
Am I being selfish? Was changing the POA a bad idea? I don't know what to do anymore. I am an only child and at times I wish that I had not been born. I'm just worn out, frustrated and the list goes on and on......
Thanks for listening,
Anksana-Moon

14 Comments

i am right with you my friend,i care for my mom I had to move in to protect her from an abusive second husband who would not give her meds,tried to take her house and i went through hell when finally he filed for divorce. This cost a bunch and he took her pension and i am a only child now.My son and husband live in another town and come every other day.This is very hard but you have to protect them and he will get over it.I have tired to get help but i didn't like the way they did nothing and so i am back to myself and husband who helps give me breaks.hang in there or find somewhere to place both of them together.
Anksana - my heart goes out to you and you have a lot on your plate. You have done everything right - don't second guess yourself. Caregiving often causes health issues for ourselves due to the stress.

You are a loving and caring daughter who is becoming so burnt out. You can only do so much and a SNF might be the answer before too long. I had both my parents hospitalized and at rehabs at the same time, so I empathize with what you are going through. Your job is to keep them safe and cared for and also look out for your own health and well-being. They will not always be happy with what transpires; but that is how it is and they have to adjust to the changes in their lives. Bless you for all you do and take care.
Dear Sharon and 3 pink roses..
Thank you for reading my letter. It means a lot to me that I have others to talk to. My mother is the poster child of difficult. She has always been bossy, demanding and a control freak. I am waiting for the hospital to find placement for my dad and mother in the same facility. I truly believe that my dad has kept himself ill to keep from being sent home to mom. She is a VERY draining person. She oozes negativity. I shouldn't feel the way I do towards her, but I understand this is a huge upheaval in her life. They have lived in the same house for 56 years and now she is faced with having to leave her home. She is disabled due to her own health negligence. It is everyone else's
fault she is the way she is. I asked her not to long ago why she only went back to the surgeon once after she had her feet operated on for gigantic bunions that she left for 20 years untreated. She told me that she had no one to take her to the doctor. I reminded her that I had offered many times but she wasn't interested. Now she is a MESS to say the least. My dad has been the victim of having to care for her needs constantly. How he has kept himself from choking her I'll never know. When I did get her into the doctor about her feet, he told her that she had left it so long there was nothing he could do for her. Wow... another way to stay dependant on others. There is a book that you all might find very interesting. It's called. "The Emotional Vampires". People that drain you dry. Wow.. a lightning strike of truth for trying to deal with seemingly impossible situations. I worked until 1 a.m. this morning and I think it's nap time for me. Bless you for all you do as well and being there and caring enough to be there.
Love and Hugs to all,
Anksana-Moon
Anksana, sometimes I think parents are offered a book on how they can be the most difficult parent possible when they get older. I think many of the parents on this group read that book. They sure can be difficult. It is discouraging to give so much, only to have them accuse us of bad things. We often hear that there is no point in arguing, but it sure gets frustrating to hear bad things about ourselves and not be able to defend. It makes me feel angry and heartsick, so I imagine that you feel the same way. Often I ask myself why I put myself through it. I haven't come up with a completely good answer for that, except "if not me, then who?" I know that someone has to do it.

You sound like you are doing a very good job in a difficult situation. I wish you could find a way to make it easier. Maybe someday soon we'll look back and understand why we are going through these things. I am glad that we have each other to write to. I think I would go crazy at times without the group.

The Emotional Vampires is on my reading list.
JessieBelle... Luv YA!!!!
Luv and Hugs,
Anksana
I think you will have your life back soon. You are in charge of your life, not your parents. Break Away. Detach. Take what you have learned that is valid and ignore the rest. You are your own Master. I wish I could lose 19 pounds;((( lol xo
Christina... You're Awesome !!!!!
going to get that book, yet my mother always has thought the world revolved around her! Now it truely does. I probablly wont ever get a chance to read it because all my spare time is spent on her.
Lostgina, You poor love.. I so feel for you. I wish we could all meet and have a great get together and of course LOTS of WINE, fabulous food and just being together and if Karma's true, turn into life long friends.
Anksana-Moon
i am glad they will place them together,don't worry about your dad the nurse hopefully won't let your mom bullie him.When it rains it pours sometimes.i am dealing with the irs and her penion .her x got it mailed to him and won't turn the 1099 over so she can finish her taxes.they say things happen in 3 so mine this week have been a broken tooth (me) lawn mow broken and the garbage disposal went out. And for the first time mom tried to hit me,she never had a mean bone or bad word to say about anyone so this is a huge change.But i just smile ,tell her nicely that she shouldn't do that to someone she loves and she said sorry i love you too. most of the time shes sweet the hardest thing for me are bm accidents but i've learned to handle those too.I don't know where my strength has come from but i'll take it. I do miss being with my husband he's a saint. Hope you get a nap and feel better.

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