Follow
Share

Pretty much my entire life I had a very dysfunctional relationship with my mom. I guess she is/was a borderline narcissist or some other personality disorder. On one hand, she could be somewhat caring and engaged (i.e., having tea parties with me) yet, on the other hand she would have these anger explosions that for a kid was scary and embarrasing (if in public!) Whatever I did to prompt the anger, the extreme response was NEVER warranted. I also would never get an apology afterwards. I felt like all my other friends had normal relationships with their Moms~ something I was (and still am) envious of. I was in therapy on & off over the years, I know and understand the dysfunction had nothing to do with me, however to this day, I struggle with self-doubt/lack of confidence issues and I'm skittish with confrontation. Obviously, this hasn't boded well for my professional life ~ I never really got ahead. Went thru my personal trials as well (I'm now happily married for 16years~ a relationship I'm very proud of) The majority of my life Mother's Day was a challenge for me. I would read thru MDay cards and never felt like any of them pertained to my mom or our relationship but eventually would find something. Taking her out was stressful cause she always would get pissy about something, whether directed at me or the server. So flash forward to present day....our relationship couldn't be better. Mom has totally chilled out (think the anti-depressants have helped!) I see her 1-2x/week. And if I get overly busy with work, or personal (i.e., had surgery, couldn't drive) then I call her. So why am I so damn conflicted? I hurt because I have always wanted a normal relationship with my mom, and now that I pretty much have it she is declining. (My lingering issues bug me too but I'm pushing through that) She is so frail now and struggles so much it breaks my heart despite our history. Anyway, I just need to vent today~ just kinda emotionally overwhelmed (being out of work certainly doesn't help!)
Thanks for reading.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
If you are happy, with your own life, everything with your mom will improve. Most of all, let go of the past, forgive, and make new memories. Speaking as one whose mom has many faults, if I dwelled in the past....things would be so awful now that she is old & frail. I chose to forgive, many times over for many of her faults, and it freed me to develop a new place for her & I in my heart. Now that I am her main caregiver, it can be tempting to dredge up the old hurts, but I choose to let them go, in favor of new memories --maybe not Hollywood perfect memories, but new memories of us struggling together to get her comfortable, find some meaning in her senior/frail condition. Best wishes & good food for the Journey.
(1)
Report

One thing that helped me heal when thinking about my parents and my childhood was that they did the best they could, given who they were and what they knew. Sometimes it helps to know more about your mom's childhood, to understand her. And as Patrice said, just enjoy the time you have now.

I had a rough childhood with my dad, but he also chilled out as he got older and we had a great relationship. I'm just so happy we got to have that time before he passed away. So I wish the same feelings of peace in your relationship with your mom.
(1)
Report

I don't know if this is the right thing to say because I haven't walked in your shoes but I would try to let go of the past, make new memories and spend as much time (whether going out to lunch or sitting on sofa watching a movie together) with your mom. There are many things you could do together that doesn't involve spending money. Have a mani and pedi day. You do moms nails and maybe she can do yours. Things like that, anything to spend time together. Treasure every moment you have together, take pictures, have mom talk about what she remembers of her childhood. I just saw a show where mom and daughter made a plaster cast of their hands. Anything, just enjoy your time with your mom. Happy Mother's Day 🌷
(2)
Report

What a story. It sounds like things have gotten better recently. Sort of a happy ending except for moms physical problems. Take what joy you can get. At least you won't go to your graves hating each other.
(1)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter