Venting.

Pretty much my entire life I had a very dysfunctional relationship with my mom. I guess she is/was a borderline narcissist or some other personality disorder. On one hand, she could be somewhat caring and engaged (i.e., having tea parties with me) yet, on the other hand she would have these anger explosions that for a kid was scary and embarrasing (if in public!) Whatever I did to prompt the anger, the extreme response was NEVER warranted. I also would never get an apology afterwards. I felt like all my other friends had normal relationships with their Moms~ something I was (and still am) envious of. I was in therapy on & off over the years, I know and understand the dysfunction had nothing to do with me, however to this day, I struggle with self-doubt/lack of confidence issues and I'm skittish with confrontation. Obviously, this hasn't boded well for my professional life ~ I never really got ahead. Went thru my personal trials as well (I'm now happily married for 16years~ a relationship I'm very proud of) The majority of my life Mother's Day was a challenge for me. I would read thru MDay cards and never felt like any of them pertained to my mom or our relationship but eventually would find something. Taking her out was stressful cause she always would get pissy about something, whether directed at me or the server. So flash forward to present day....our relationship couldn't be better. Mom has totally chilled out (think the anti-depressants have helped!) I see her 1-2x/week. And if I get overly busy with work, or personal (i.e., had surgery, couldn't drive) then I call her. So why am I so damn conflicted? I hurt because I have always wanted a normal relationship with my mom, and now that I pretty much have it she is declining. (My lingering issues bug me too but I'm pushing through that) She is so frail now and struggles so much it breaks my heart despite our history. Anyway, I just need to vent today~ just kinda emotionally overwhelmed (being out of work certainly doesn't help!)
Thanks for reading.