I'm so unhappy and feeling trapped.

You trapped yourself by taking her in and I'm not sure why you did that. Do not ignore your own health issues, get them taken care of and if that means mom has to get assisted living, then move her into one until you are recovered.

Oh my goodness I so totally understand your feelings. I am a 24/7 caregiver for my 89 yr old Mom and have been for the past two years since she sustained almost life ending injuries when she fell down her basement stairs...at the time, Mom was diagnosed with early onset dementia, which is progressing now, to the point where she is totally dependent on me for bathing, dressing, cooking, cleaning, yardwork, the works...she is also 99 per cent immobile...

I feel trapped, and I have not spent the night away from this house in over a year and a half. I have one sibling, whom I love but is no help and his wife is absolutely selfish and never visits...has not been here in almost two years.

To make matters worse, I left my career, my home, everything behind and moved back here because I lived in a townhome which was not acceptable for Mom although looking back as she never moves from this chair it was as acceptable as this home is....I am about to lose my home in foreclosure to put the cherry on top....

I am feeling very resentful and extremely angry these days..at the brother who does nothing other than buy a package of depends each week..(usually) but does not contribute to any other financial issues...(we were left owing thousands of dollars in co pays even with excellent insurance coverage) and I will be paying on those the rest of my life. I have no health insurance so anticipate Mom may very well outlive me...

What to do.....I keep watching this site but so frequently see shades of similarities in all our lives...the family that never calls or visits, the siblings who refuse to share responsiblity, the inlaws who are disconnected because it's not THEIR parent.

I am praying very hard for patience and understanding as Mom's mental capacity continues to deteriorate and praying that the financial ruin of my own life will not be my end. But I am frustrated....and I understand...I have my really good moments, but I have some really bad ones for which I am ashamed when I feel so resentful....Funny thing is Mom doted on my brother all his life...he had to have the best, the most, whatever he wanted...I was left with whatever I got...I know she loves me but guess I think she loves him more (I was a Daddy's girl)

I am a strong woman, but feel myself cracking...Mom's siblings have all but abandoned her and do not even call anymore...why should they, they know that I have it "under control"...I am feeling anything but in control these days...but praying that I can just go one day at a time....and that's really what we have to do...I know I'm not any help...unless it's to say I do so totally understand your feeling of being trapped...God bless.....I know I will have no regrets later on, but fear I am going to carry forward some resentments that will never be mended....towards sibling and family members who abandoned us both...

Oh...to add insult to injury..I always took a lot of pleasure in being dressed to the nines and totally put together...I don't even recognize myself these days. I have gained a LOT of weight, my hair seems to be falling out, I can't leave the house long enough to go walking like I used to do daily, and I have tow loungewear type outfits that I wash and wear, wash and wear...it is like I just don't care anymore...what is the point...

Its 2.30am here and ive been to the toilet twice as my stomach is in knots here totally feeling trapped and overhwhelmed by the stress and worry of whats ahead with mum and will i cope?can I cope? do i want to do this? am i going to get very ill from this?
Like you have had major health issues the last few years which have healed but this stress is making me ill and I feel very alone family all off living a life.

I washed my hair today and felt a bit better but havnt washed it in over a week thats not me? Thankgod I have a shower everyday! Like you have put on wieght cant fit into my clothes keep saying ill diet and excercise? who am I kidding im mentally and physically exhausted and need a break from mum!

my mum has to go to another city to get her hearing aids tomorrow I thought great my brother can bring her in his car BUT OH NO mum dosnt want to go with him his car is not comfortable? what shes really saying is my brother will drop her there and bring her home she wont get to potter around shops and chit chat like with me!
I get so tired sometimes i cry stupid silly things i could have done tomorrow like watch TV with no mum for a few hours starts to mean alot?? Yeh who the hell am I?
Im sitting here waiting for my cat to come in (we have no catflap) he hasnt been here since 4pm today and its not like him not to come back and have his food im worried sick!
I know hes a cat and they wander but not him hes so routine and its cold outside and he LOVES his bed.

Im thinking the worst but cant wait up all night maybe hes ok and im just so down and at a low that im being negative.

He means so much to me I couldnt lose him now hes my comfort my little furry friend.

Anyone up? can you pray he will be back and safe. Sometimes we know our pets and this gut feeling is bad but I will go to bed now and hopefully hell be back in the morning!

So worried!

Kazzaa....I am a pet person too, and the one thing I did do when I had to move back here was bring my little "gang" with me...I know what you mean...you worry sick when they are not where they're supposed to be. I will say a prayer for you and your furkid...:) mine do that too and usually come in ...later than I'd like....but they come back...keep us posted...

I hear ya...I woke around 4AM today and never could go back to sleep worrying about everything, unpaid bills, Mom's health. I feel like I sleep with one eye and one ear open, always listening for her breathing..making sure she IS breathing...It takes a toll doesn't it.. bless your heart. I think we're all in the same boat in some form or fashion....and from what I am hearing from some of my friends who have actually been there, we do come out on the other side...and it is worth it...but there are the dark days or the sad days or the days with worry where you can't help but wonder...please keep us posted...let us know your little furkid came home.. prayers.. :)

Oh my God! You all sound just like me! I feel so trapped like I am in prison. I feel like "How dare her take my life away!" I will never do this to my kids. Maybe I would feel differently if she would have been a good mother to me. The other day she told me that by being borned, I ruined her life. I just want to know how to accept the unacceptable. I know people do it but I don't know how.

@Kazza, I hope your cat comes home soon. I've been there before. Sometimes they wander a bit to remind everyone that they are in charge. I'm grateful to have mine at the foot of my bed right now, even if she is giving me the stink eye because the light is on.

@PStiegman, ouch! Not that helpful. Yes, I chose to have mom stay with me, but I didn't exactly choose to have the anxiety filled, depressed parent that I've ended up with. Things can change pretty quickly in this care giving business; very few of us really know what we are signing up for.

Why did I do this? It made the best sense for my family and for my mom, so that she would have the best chance of a successful recovery (and continued independence). I wanted to remain true to my values and beliefs. Also, like many adults who have suffered abuse, I still love my mom. It's not all black and white. She will be leaving my home by the end of this year, hopefully by mid-November. But that won't solve all my problems, it's clear that my sister and I need to take on additional responsibilities in other areas, if we want to help mom stay independent, financially and otherwise. It's the new normal, and I'm feeling really resentful.

@hope, I understand. I have 2 pairs of black stretch pants that I now hate. At least you shower everyday. ;) I don't always, as I work from a home office, although I probably should. Like you, I like looking good, so this really is the pits. I wrote my post above after a really bad shopping trip.I think that it forced me to see the physical proof of how bad I'm feeling emotionally. I think that if I felt better about myself, I could handle the mom stuff better. I ended up ordering some jeans and a couple of bras on-line. A decent bra and a comfy pair of jeans would do me a world of good right now.

Mom has been with my sister since Saturday (coming back Thursday am), so I'm very lucky to have a break.

You know, of all the things that I have to do now, the hardest things are deflecting her negativity and maintaining good boundaries. Both take soooooooo much energy and lead to a lot of muscle tension. And if I'm not careful, I become negative too.

The best thing that I did was demand that my sister and I meet with a geriatric care specialist. We've met about 4 or 5 times since mom moved in with me, and it's really helpful to have a knowledgeable, neutral party to guide us and help us negotiate this terrain. Most importantly, she helps my sister see my perspective. My sister's great, but she doesn't have a clue about the day-in-day out of care giving.

Therapist Pauline Boss, in her helpful book "Loving Someone Who Has Dementia" has this to say about abusive situations:

"Taking care of someone who years before was abusive or neglectful of you is beyond what is expected of you. Caring for a family member who was or is physically or psychologically abusive is dangerous. ... These are justifiable reasons for NOT being a caregiver."
...
"with most, I encourage some kind of continued management -- often through social worker -- to make sure that the caregiving team or the nursing home professionals are treating your family member well. This may be the best you can do given your history together."

It is possible to see that your parent gets good care without personally doing the hands-on caregiving. If you are trapped, it is a trap you can open.

Modern, your paragraph that starts "Why did I do this?" really resonates with me. I also had same reaction to pstiegman's post... although, pstiegman, I'm sure you were simply trying to bring awareness to the part we each play in choosing to burden/involve ourselves with caregiving... but we truly don't see how quickly, and in how many ways, things can just take on a horrible, twisted, downward-spiral life of their own. It starts with meeting immediate needs, trying to help, and turns into some sort of twisted volunteer slavery - with a miserable existence. You look for an exit plan, but there isn't one.

The worry, anxiety, depression, resentment, uncertainty I've cycled through in the past couple of years of full time caregiving life is crushing. It has changed me, as well, into someone who acts differently than I used to. The comments about showering, washing hair, dressing down... I can certainly relate.

I don't have answers. But I can say some prayers for all of us, and for safe return of your 'furkid' (lol! never heard that before, hope22), Kazaa.

Kazzaa...hoping your little one has returned home by now..if not, please try not to worry, mine have done that to me as well, sometimes I think just to get my attention, which now has had to be greatly compromised in our current situation..

Another day, another day....same old same old....I have found that if I get up before time to get Mom up I have some "me" time...but I have to drag myself out to do that and so many times I feel catatonic when I awaken....which oversized humongo tshirt do I wear today? And tweety bird or pink flower pull on pants....hair in ponytail...I'm good to go...

I am going to pray all goes well for all of you (us) out there today. I love my Mom with all my heart..truly...but on the rough days I truly do get so resentful, angry, aggravated and depressed, and yet I think those feelings may be directed inward more than anything as I should have known going into this what it would be as my brother has NEVER felt the responsibility for caring for my parents. When Mom was in the hospital (almost two months total between major medical and then subsequent rehab) I took off work to be with her so my brother would not have to, and believe me he didn't offer...and that is my fault. I think sometimes I have a Joan of Arc complex and brother am I paying the price for it now....but if I didn't, I already know Mom would be in a nursing home, and, most likely, no longer with us. So onward and forward and one day at a time. I do try to find happy moments in things I enjoy, coffee on the deck with my furkids, working in the yards, sorting through my pretty clothes and believing I will get back in them....and sometimes, when Mom is napping, I take a nap too....Here's to a happy day for yall...God bless and stay strong... :)

Modernbird, when your mom moved in during cancer treatment, was it supposed to be a temporary arrangement, or were you thinking permanent? If it was originally supposed to be temporary, then I see nothing immoral or wrong about starting to look for her, if she's physically able, another place to live.
*Hope22* You said in your profile that you're 'close to your brother' so maybe it's time you asked him for help. If he doesn't have it in him to be physically hands on with his mother, then maybe he can financially help you take care of her. Sit down with him and put your cards on the table. Ask him for help, and tell him he's all you have. Unless his heart is made of stone, he'll help you somehow. If he doesn't have the resources, then at least you've let him know you're in trouble and the two of you can brain storm how to make things better. Your martyr thing is stopping him from feeling wanted and needed, and that's not fair.

Kazza, I hope your cat found his way home, and today is a better day for everyone.

Thanks guys! my little brat came back this morning rubbing his head all over me and looking cutsie! I just have to "point the finger" and he knew he was in trouble! Then i squeezed him and told him I was un alot of stress and he was never to do that again! I know I know but sometimes I think they understand?
I went to bed exhausted and then just about to nod off when GOD NO my mum got up and was pottering around the house so after a long night and 2 hours sleep I had to go on the bus with mum who hadnt slept and was very crabby AND had an accident on the bus and stank the whole bus out i think at that stage i was in NARNIA as soon as we got off the bus I brought her to the toilet to get her cleaned up and she got very angry saying "she couldnt smell anything?" Oh please ground open up! I told her that even though she could not get the smell it wasnt very nice for others around and on the bus she said " i couldnt careless about others" and stormed off in a mood?
What a day am home now mum has her hearing aids and my cats back! Just another day in the life of a caregiver??
Hugs and prayers to all.....we are "earth angels" LOL

HA! my FURKID is now purring at door to come in guess his night out didnt go that well!! Hope he realised its much more cosy inside! I think he did this to get back at me when i wasnt here the night before he is usually very clingy if im not here the next day but guess this was ill teach her!
My neighbours mum had ALS her cat just disappeared one day she said the cat felt all the tension and MOVED ON!!! GULP!!

I think I know that one of the reasons im low is that I want a man in my life im no nun but feel like ive taken VOWS or something! I want a date with a man who can take me away from all this just for a few hours would be nice dinner with a hot male yep that would cheer me up! LOL

Kazza! Two words...online dating! :) I know I've said it before, but 75 first dates in 6 months and then I met M ! The most most wonderful man! If an old lady like me can do it anyone can! Flirt, be picky, read tons of profiles, flirt some more...good for the soul!

OOH im not sure i did once when living in France i met one guy that arranged to meet me in a cafe....within 10 mins he said your place or mine?

Then another guy who looked very attractive on photo when I arrived he was quite ugly,sat down never even offered me a drink and said quite confidently "look I dont want to waste my time so lets get this out of the way now as its important I WANT KIDS DO YOU?" I said UGH NO WAY and ran for the hills!

Yep that was online dating for me but if I dont go out not that I dont wont to go out I just dont have anyone to go out with? maybe I should try it again i just cant put my photo up on a site as i worry about "weirdos" men are very visual and dont respond if theres no photo?
My sis has had alot of online dates over the past 6yrs and never met anyone just men looking for "no strings"

I may look into it again but still romance about "eyes meeting across a crowded room etc...." Im divorced 17yrs and havnt had a serious relationship since my ex of course met and married another woman within a year? men cant live 5mins on their own! LOL

I think there is a lot to be said about that not living alone thing. It's not like you have to commit to anyone you are not mad about, just date or flirt to have fun and the rest will follow when the right one shows up. I met guys to do every activity in the book, boating, bowling, baseball, fishing or just going out for a nice meal. It's a date! No need to be touchy feely , just two people meeting one another for a fun evening. or not :) I had lunch dates, breakfast dates, coffee dates as well as a few no shows, lol. Loads of flirting which made me feel wonderful and helped me get real about my exercise program too. Some were nice guys some were jerks...oh well. Finally #75 was my prince charming :) And we took it seriously slow the first several months as well getting to know each other and talking about what we wanted in a relationship. There is a really neat lady Kathryn Lord who has a website called findasweetheart . She does a free monthly newsletter about online dating and she is really terrific . Go for it!

Ok 1tired im sold will TRY it! Will let you know how I get on once ive sorted mums nurse,carers,doc,apts,plumber,painter,visit als centre,look for cleaner,declutter whole house,look at NHs,respite,flu jab,family meeting,POA,therapist,social worker, VET?......................LOL

LOL! Kazzaa, I will be rooting for you! Don't put YOU last forever!

Alison in the short time of being a caregiver for my father, I have CHANGED. I work from home, so Im here all the time. When I get up in the morning I look forward to the time when everyone will be asleep. I dont feel as if I get a moment to myself. My father requires 24 hr attention and I dont mean physical help, I mean he needs so much attention . He talks non stop from the moment he comes downstairs. If his HHA is not paying enough attention to him, he starts an argument with her...The sad part is she is the only adult I have to really bond with all day. I miss the days of having a quiet house while I work...Ive also gained alot of weight. Im argumentative, gossipy,..I snap at my father quite often...this is not good.

Today's a tough day. Mom's come back after spending 5 days with my sister (1st time sister has had her 24/7). I couldn't sleep last night just thinking about it.
the negativity, the neediness.

I also got my work review today; worst ever for me. I'm average-ish, or slightly below. What's most disappointing to me is that outside taking care of mom, work is the only thing that I do. Everything else in my life has been put on hold. So the one thing that I'm doing is below average. :-(

Regarding time frame, yep, this was/is temporary. Plan was that she would leave at the end of August, beginning of September. There's no physical reason why she can't go. She wants to wait until she "feels better". We recently talked about her leaving by Nov. 21. The talk was proceeded by me having a bit of a breakdown, but whatever. She will be out of my house by December 31, whatever it takes. But it is clear that things have changed and she will need more assistance help from my sister and I.
I NEVER would have agreed to anything other than a temporary situation. Also, my sister and I have a fair split. She does medical appointments and provides funds for respite for me (just started that).

On the bright side, I got a new bra today. Such a small thing, but it makes me feel that at least something is going right. I'm uplifted and supported. ;-)

Gosh modernbird last week with me was a new cd album and I was so excited to go and swtich off and listen to it........... WELL the first song had me crying into my pillow the song was "life passes you by,dont go wasting your time on your own" AHHHHHHH

Glad things a bit better for you and I know the feeling when they are coming back the anxiety. My mum went to stay with my sister for a wk when she arrived home my back went almost as soon as she walked in the door I then realised just how much stress this is and what an effect she has on my health.
Last week ive been very down and was grieving my mums illness this week im realising that who am I kidding I cant do this on my own and need some sort of a life before its too late.
My family are coming next week and I will tell them that the only solution is mum goes into a home for both our sakes and health.
Mum wont wear her hearing aids
she is not taking her meds and wont let me have them
she wont have a bath
she wont go for a walk (rang doc today and told him I need help he said if she dosnt start to excercise she will deteriorate faster great!)
shes not taking her insulin as she should
she takes all her money out of bank and walks around with her purse open for everyone to see
She cant walk and gets tired after even 15mins
she is falling over when she gets up off sofa like a drunk
she has clutter all over and no space to get into bed and gets angry when I suggest cleaning it.

Ive come to the sad conclusion that I cannot help her unless my life is going to be constantly shouting at her and this isnt healthy for either of us. I cant handle her alone and need back up my family have no idea what its like and how constant it is she never lets up.
I honestly think she will be better off in a home and will live longer if shes better cared for.
She wont listen to me or do what I ask and I cant take anymore my family are going to try and talk with her its hard either she does what shes told and let me have her meds or she will be better off in a NH.

I will have a talk with a professional as I really cant cope with her and dont get enough of a break she will get free respite every 3 months for a wk? sometimes I feel ill be dead before her.
So sad she was never a demanding person and was quite independent she would never have wanted to end up like this but I know when enough is enough and me feeling constantly ill is not good im miserable and thats no life!

So happy you got a new bra........ go girl!

Depressed but I have it nowhere near as bad as most.Was feeling so alone but I guess that could be worse. God Bless you all!

At the very least, hire a home care caregiver to do "respite care" for you, have them come in for at least a few hours a week to give you a break. You need some breathing room and mental space. Incidentally, your mom will probably act differently with the caregiver than with you (kinder - no history with that person, and she's not the mom to that person), and it might rub off a bit on your relationship!

Your mum sounds lonely and insecure about living alone now. Perhaps you and your sister could look into advertising for a single retired woman, offering her free room and board at your mum's in exchange for companionship and a small amount of care? Does your mum have an extra room where someone could sleep?

Modernbird...I use that term alot..."trapped!" I feel like I'm in a prison! But it's temporary, right?! Amazing how we all have a common thread. I alone care for my elderly dad who has dementia and late stage prostate cancer. I've got 6 sisters, 3 of whom live within 10 miles, and won't even call or visit! When I do see them...once in a blue moon, they tell me what a saint I am for caring for dad, but become speechless when I ask them to pay him a visit or give me an hour break.

I've been doing this for four years now. I lost my job (they say my performance got worse and didn't improve, and I spent too much time out taking my dad to dr appts!) Yes, my performance suffered!! I also have my own health condition (herniated discs, arthritis all over, fibromyalsa). I've got nerve pain shooting down my arms and hands. I'm in constant pain. And I alone take care of dad...I guess my sisters think...well now that I'm not working, I should be the one to take care of him! He also fell and broke his hip. Not long after, his cancer got worse, he fell again, and now he can't walk at all, and I have to do everything for him..and it's killing me.

I too feel so overwhelmed and depressed sometimes, I can hardly make it through. He's on hospice, so I get a 5 day respite every 90 days!! whoopee!
It takes me 3 days to re-adjust and get my stress and pain level down to a sort of normal - I've gained weight, none of my clothes fit anymore. Shower and hair washed...think I'm going on my 4th day! ugh! He was on hospice before, but was taken off, because Medicare only pays for so long. He's on it again, and definately deteriorating...so sad to see. So many mixed feelings. I always think...well, it can't last forever. Guess that's my only hope...and then that will come with the grief of his death! Can't win, right!!?? :)

I was where you were just a little over a week ago.My sister and I placed mom in a nursing home,if I had to live with her much longer it was gonna kill me! She was not happy with me and my family anyway...lovely grandkids in and out,sons and grandsons.Didn't make any difference.I was dreading coming home whenever I got out.I also developed TMJ,I had not ground my teeth for years...now I have broken teeth....I am praying for you.Do whatever you have to do.A NH is not a bad thing!!

Just to let you know about alzheimer's or dementia. I am an only child of 2 alzheimer's parents. With both of them in skilled nursing but in different facilities & in different directions from my house (not my or their choice) but by care needs I do not get 8 hours of sleep a night, 3 meals a day or a daily shower. I am lucky to get time for a shower every 3 days. I only want to let people know that once their care exceeds the staffing in a SNF & there is no other long-term place to go you will still as caregiver not be back to caring only for yourself. I hate to be the bearer of bad tidings but with them in & out of the hospitals & finding a new placement after each hospital visit you will still not be having your life back. This disease & the healthcare system really needs to be adjusted when it comes to people in long-term care regarding trips to the hospital & what the hospital does to accept them & how they treat them medically I really believe that w/o hospice or pallative involved that there needs to be new rules on under which conditions a SNF can send the patient to the ER w/o calling family. I am POA & only found out that he was at the hosp at 2am after he had been sent there at 8. Found out only when ER called 6 hours later. The SNF never called to say he wasn't in the bldg. anymore. That needs to change so we can meet them in the ER & help since they have dementia.