Trapped at home.

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Caring for paralyzed family member who is controlling and making unrealistic requests.


I ll start at the beginning.I first took care of my grandmother,who was in her 80's,after she was a caregiver for her son,who has MS.After she passed,I took care of my mother,after she had a stroke.She later passed from complications from Diabetes.My uncle has MS.he is totally bedridden,and lives in my house,I have been caring for him,for 10 years.I do have a caregiver,that comes in 6 days a week to bathe,shave and change bedding,as I cannot,due to back problems.On numerous occasions he has told me that my life is over and that I will spend the rest of it taking care of him.He has a daughter who visits regularly,rarely even speaks to me,yet does nothing,and in his words,has to live her life.He is demanding,controlling,and orders me around,I cant even get a thank you out of him.I feed him,adjust his bed,set him up for calls,wash his face etc.He has requested specific movies entered onto his tv,mainly PPV movies,not of the family type.I ve already had 2 part time caregivers quit,because of his requests.One caregiver told me that he asked her to get 1 of her friends,to come by,and leave him alone with her for an hour,so he could find out if he still could get things to work.She quit.The next 1 quit,when he propositioned her.When I asked him about this,he denied it all,saying they were lying,he is paralyzed and cant behave in that manner.These women had good paying jobs here,I doubt they made all this up.The current woman ,who helps me out,has told me he has asked her to find him specific movies,photos on the computer.Recently she was asked to find him a protitute,to visit him,while I was out shopping,for baby clothes for his daughter,who is expecting.He has also asked me if I would shave his private parts for him,which I refused.I cant begin to wonder,what may be going on in my house,when Im not here.Is this normal behavior for a 67 year old man?I get no support,from other family members,except a laugh,or blank stare.This is really getting on my nerves,and I was just diagnosed with Diabetes and glaucoma.Thanks for allowing me to vent this out,
No, this is absolutely abnormal behaviour and you should not have to put up with it one more minute. I would call Elder Serives in your town and find out what to do - you need help with this and I am sorry you have no family support.

This man has mental problems that you cannot deal with anymore. Hope you can find some support from elder services. It sounds like time for him to live at a facility where they can deal with his mental and physical problems. Hugs to you and take care of yourself - you deserve a life.
First, dagmara, decide whether you want to have this man in your home for another 20 or 30 years. If you do, I suggest you get some counselling to learn how to deal with his demands that you feel are inappropriate, how to response to his total lack of respect, how to manage to have a life of your own while also providing care. I suggest that in the future you only hire male caregivers.

If you do not want him in your home for what could be decades, I suggest you start making plans for another place for him to live. Or insist that his daughter make the plans for him. Other relatives do not want him in their homes. He is not in their homes. You can arrange the exact same outcome -- if you do not want him in your home, he will not be in your home. It will take some effort, but then it will be over.

So, first, do you want him to continue to live in your home or not?
You are a wonderful individual. You have answered the caregiver call (more times than a lot of us have to) You have been remarkable. I am assuming that the uncle is the brother of your mother?..Please don't take this wrong, but your job is done here. You are putting up with far more than you need to, and should ever be expected to. Call his daughter and let her know she must begin the process of finding a permanent living arrangement for him. If she does not, you will have to. Do it, it is what needs to be done.

Prayers to you
I totally agree with sharonmit...make that call now and give a move out of date of say 10 days. Best of luck!
If you decide you don't want responsibility for your uncle, start by asking his daughter to find him another living arrangement. If she is not cooperative (or maybe even if she appears to be but is dragging her feet) find out what steps you are required to take in your community. You may need to serve formal eviction notice, and it may need to be a certain length of time in advance (such as 30 or 60 days). And, yes, this may be required even if the the person is not paying rent.

Whatever you decide to do, please keep us informed. We care!
Thanks to all,for your advice.I contacted a cousin,who was unaware of certain aspects of the situation.My uncle was informed that his cousin would remove him from my house and enter him into a facility where his behavior would not be tolerated.We agreed to give him a chance,only one,or he will be moving out of state.Another caregiver has been hired,a male,so I can have some life.So far,he has been behaving,with no problems.Time will tell,the first time he reverts to his old ways,he will be leaving for N.Y.
Wow, good for you dagmara! You had a problem and you are taking steps to resolve it. Be proud!

Update us once in a while how this works out. Many people have similar issues, and we learn from each other. Keep us posted!

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