I'm feeling so trapped and resentful. I want my life back.


I have been my father-in-law's caregiver for two and a half years and I honestly do not think I can take much more. The hospice nurse feels that he has possibly six to eight weeks left, but she jokingly said that he could be here another year. He has end stage copd/emphysema.
I do not love my father-in-law and he is so manipulative that I just end up resenting him more everyday.
I am at the point of just doing what I need to do. Every suggestion I have made, i.e., sitters, medical alert system, hospice volunteers, he has just refused. He receives a decent check every month, so he could afford this, no problem.
He tries to micro manage everything I do. I am so stressed out that my doctor put me on Klonopin. I am always sick to my stomach, headaches, body aches.
My husband works in Landscaping ( more hours in spring and summer ) and now has started to spend every saturday with his son and now wants to spend week ends at his cousin's horse farm.
I just feel that they both are treating me unfairly.
I have not had a paycheck in over two years and my clothes are literally falling to pieces. I am use to working, and having my own income. I cannot remember the last time I have had anything new, or even had my hair cut.
I am really trying not to sink into self pity, but I am just so angry! My father-in-law gives me $20 a week for all the work I do.
I just feel like running away.
The last time I broached the subject of getting more help from my husband, he exploded and stormed out of the house.
He is not my father and I know my husband should do more. even when he is home, he is either working in the yard or on the computer.
As more time goes by, I dislike the way my husband is handeling this and I have lost some respect for him. I feel this whole expierence may ruin my marriage.
What else can I do? I am at my wits end.

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Dina, I read through all 100+ posts and your situation is breaking my heart. God wants us to be happy. God does not put shit in our lives - we do. God does not want us to be abused nor does She want us to abuse ourselves. You are using God as an excuse to do nothing about your situation. God is not inertia. God is Love. You cannot love others before you love yourself and your actions suggest that you have low self esteem. Do you feel worthy of love? Unless you believe that you are nothing can change. It's October and I'm wondering what you've been doing since your last post in April. I hope for your sake that you've squirreled away lots of cash, have gone to your friend's house 50 miles away and are looking for a job or temp work. And one more thing about God and I've said this before on this forum: the Commandment to honor thy father and mother does NOT mean caring for an abuser. We honor our fathers and mothers by accepting them for who they are. There is absolutely NO obligation beyond that. Your boyfriend and his father are abusers and that is never going to change so the change needs to come from you. Be the change you want to see. Forget about domestic violence - they're as effective at helping abused women as a bartender is at an AA meeting. Start being kind to yourself, walking your little dog, taking care of yourself (hair, clothes) and holding your head up. I hope you're okay because it's been 5 months since we last heard from you.

Hello i can related with lot of this discussion I'm a live in caregiver To my sister mother law And there are days it can be so stressful And she argues and can be smartellic hateful But I know it the dementia I would like to leave Not being selfish but would like my life back I feel like I have no outlet When I move in her health phycially was declining She has her up and downs memory is decling And i feel trapped I would like to have my own place Job outside of care gviing I have to deal with her daughter She like micro manage my life I get break hear And there But I feel like all my social and work skills have been wasted. But when we are care givers I get into this to try to help the person and care for them the best when can It seem like it harder And we take a lot There are good and bad days for me I can get very depressed I feel like the lady her health has improved And she very independent memory declining I So i can start getting my social skills And use my work experience But i haven't been able to find a job I ask her daughter If I could work Doing the day But she really never give a answer I'm so frustrated Because nothing changing for me Don't feel like myself Know I can do better I need to find stabilty in my life Again Thank you caregivers Carolyn

Hello to all,
Yes, Bonnie, I did see my brother, a short visit, but a good one. We just did normal things, lunch, some shopping and he took me to my favorite garden supply store.
I have just decided, when I have a chance to get out for a while, I am going.
My fil even gave me some money to buy some herb plants. My garden is one of my greatest joys.
I started thinking tonight, that we all, as humans, are faced with problems and hardships throughout life. If one can find joy in the simple things, then you cannot stray to far off the course of a happy life. And, also, take care of yourself first, or your no good to anyone else.
Not to say, that I do not have trying times with my fil, cause i still do. Just the other day, I asked him if he needed anything, because I was getting ready to take a power nap. My new meds., make me a bit sleepy. Within 10 minutes, that time you hit rem sleep, he comes close to my room, complaining because I forgot the buy milk. I very calmly told him, unless it was an emergency, that he was not to bother me when I take a nap. I belive he took me very serious, as my little 15 lb. dog, does not allow anyone to bother me if I am in bed.
Not to say, that my partner and I do not have our problems, but I do think things are o.k. for now.
I cannot make up for a father-son relationship that never existed. As they say, it is what it is.
My strength comes from God; I know it does. Prayer works.
Care to all,

Oh Stacylee, so sorry for your family!
Is your mom recovering from pnuemonia? Still under doctors care?
This may be totally impossible, but could your mom go with your dad into the facility and then when she is well, go back home?

We have had an opportunity to get my dad into a memory care unit because he is still mobil and can eat solid food. Although he does have to have help getting started with his fork, etc. We do have hospice and home health but my mother is in dire need of respite care for my dad. She has had a bad case of pnuemonia. My fear is that right now my mom still says she wants to care for dad at home. But when he becomes too much for her, then he won't be eligible for this nice of a facility. At that point, we may not have a choice of where we put him. We have begged, pleaded......to no avail. I am concerned for her health. It is taking it's toll on my sister and I as well. We are there weekends, and several days a week. We love our parents and want to help. Just don't know if we can keep up this pace and work and take care of our families too.

How is your Mother today? Did you get the walk in and was she more alert?
Bet you are very worried. Not wanting to eat or even wake up is not a good sign.
Does she have any favorite smells? I've done some "interviewing techniques" programs and smells are one way to stimulate the mind. If she had a favorite perfume or flower...try to being that around. If she liked Pumpkin Pie bring some of the spices on a piece of buttered toast and float it under her nose. Vanilla? Cinnamon? Any thinig you think might make her say "Oh, that smells so good!" Are you allowed scented candles?
Hope the weather was fine for the walk. Great idea.
Let me know how it went.
xxoo, Bonnie

My Mom is refusing help, though we have a caregiver. She is in denial about her Alzheimer's. I'm at the point where if things don't change, I will set up someone to live with her permanently and I will leave. You are in charge. I am telling my Mom if things don't change, she will have to live at a memory care facility. Put yourself first. I've decided I'm going to!

Hi Bonnie, I just left Mother and first time she will not wake up to eat dinner.
I try to go late afternoon and into dinner to feed her and spend more time. The caregivers said " just shake her, keep shaking her, to make her eat." I said no.
And don't purée her chicken and carrots with the fruit because she can chew.
They do that for 2 of the catatonic women. God help us! I'll go back earlier tomorrow, take her for a walk around the block to wake her up. I prefer the fresh air method. I hope ALL besieged caregivers had a pleasant Saturday. I am not besieged, but I was a couple years ago. I remember, and I always will, and you have my deep empathy for your sacrifices. XoxO

How is the weekend going for folks?
Dina. How is your brother?

You need respite care. You need fun. You need a break. Maybe your doctor needs to write a prescription for a vacation. If your husband doesn't take that seriously, maybe he needs to be shamed into doing the right thing. Get his preacher or religious guy to tell him you need a break and ongoing help.

Is this marriage even worth being in?

Your husband is escaping. You need an escape. You are not your husbands slave or your father-in-laws servant.

Why are you living in his house? Because he wants some since of power and control. Is the house free and clear meaning paid in full? Is the house in your husband's name or his father's. You can go to the county court house and find out. Also, see if there are any lien's against the property.

Private care where I live is $16 to $24 an hour.

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