I get so stressed out caring for my husbands parents who are both on hospice with dementia and Alzheimer's. I don't think I can handle it!!

Started by

the dad says mean and hurtful things about me when he thinks im not around but when I feed him he is very nice to me and mom is combative at times and does not ever want to be changed but I have to change her she wets her pants all the time as well as the bed, dad gets mad when i change her says she doesnt need any help they hardly sleep which means neither do i

10 Comments

i am so sorry you are going through this. its hard to take care of an elderly parent especially when they are not your parent. i take care of the MIL . she has shizophrenia, depression, onset of dimentia , and altzhimers. she cant remember last week but she can tell you shit that happend 40 years ago ! over n over and over. she is all peachy with her son and i get the grouchy bitching and mean mugging . but yet i am the one paying the bills, getting meds taking to doctors and jumping at a moments notice because she wants to go somewhere. She also never sleeps. we have gotten to the point we put a double lock on the door. You need a key to undo the lock to get out. That was a life saver because she would take off walking at all hours of the night and go wake up my neighbors. She is doing better now with the schizophrenia shot medication. so much nicer. If mom does not want to be changed then put her in some adult diapers and when shes wet them make HER change them. take her to the bathroom and tell her here is another pair of underwear go change. Dont worry about the mean hateful things your dad says . i am sure he does not understand what hes saying . It sounds like you need a nurse to come in and help during the days. this way you can get some sleep while she takes care of them. hope you get some help soon. maybe if they are not that bad is there an elderly center in your area they can go to for part of the day ? anything helps. (((((((((((((((((((((( big hugs ))))))))))))))))))))))))))) hang in there.
OH my . My heart goes out to YOU! I would never do this for anybody parents , and you're doing it for both your in-laws? WOW , I stand in awe of YOU. I would have ran out of that house be it mine or theirs , the first day and they would not have found Me! I pray you will get some help soon or Leave.
they both are already on hospice and we do have nurses that come in but its the times when the nurses are not here. Mom is already in diapers but she cant change herself and she wont when I change her she gets mad and I show her the dirty diaper and she tries to take it from and says she is going to wash it. Going to a elderly center is completely out of the question they are both very bitter people and they dont ever leabe the house mom is very afraid someone is going to get her and dad well the nurses and I have such a hard time just getting him to shower he refuses all the time and will wear the same clothes for days we cant even get him to take them off when he goes to bed. i mop about 4 times a day because he refuses to wear a diaper and he pees all over the bathroom floor. I am just worried whether or not my marriage will be able to survive this. We both have no time for each other my husband works full time and I am going to school plus we are trying to run our own business and care for his parents all at the same time and so we have very little time for any of my family I have kids from another marriage but they are grown and have lives of their own every now and then I have my daughter come and help because she is the only one they will let help them....just pulling my hair out now...
I can only imagine. I took care of my Daddy ( a Doctor himself for 31 years ) and he was a sweet ,sweet Man . I adored him. It was my honor to take care of him. My daddy had money ( enough ) to die anywhere he so wanted in the world . When he asked to get away from my Mother I said Yes in a heartbeat. I wish I could have given him my Heart so he could have lived on , he so loved his life all but my Mother. I put her in a group home 3 months into her ALZ ( so they said ) . I thank G-d each and everyday that my Parents could afford any type of care. My Husband is a saint. he goes to see her more than I do. I would put them in a home or some type of care . You and your Husband marriage better be a strong one . I myself would NEVER do what you are doing. Again I stand in AWE of YOU! I wrote earlier that , You can not put a price on who is willing to be a your death bed , while you are dying. Its a huge thing to do for ones own parents. I would never no matter what do it for some one else's . You will be in my thoughts and prayers. But think about yourself too. YOU matter MOST , I would HOPE.
God bless you as you serve your husband's parents. That said, you sound like you need 1) help and/or 2) a respite. Are there other family members who can help? Have you told your husband? Does he care for his parents when he is home and on weekends? You need help - and you need to communicate what your needs are and draw boundaries. No boundaries means that others can take advantage of you.
What an awful situation! How do you do it? But I also wonder why do you do it? You do have choices. You can say I cannot do this anymore. And let your husband figure out what to do with them. It is primarily his responsibility.
I used to feel it was disgraceful when I would see what I perceived to be overmedicated elderly people, but now I wonder why heavier medication is not used more often. Are your elders on antidpressant and anti anxiety meds? Or maybe you? Thank goodness for modern science or maybe we can blame them for artificially extended lives. It is not all about them. Too many times I have seen the caregivers get sick and die and the cared for ones keep living. then they have to go to some type of care facility. Pee and Poop everywhere is a health hazard no one should have to live with.
thank you everyone for your support and no I am not on any kind of medication and my husband does help but he mainly does most of the upkeep on the house and he does all of the laundry and makes sure that bills continue to get paid on time. We have talked about putting them in a home but I have seen way to many times how the elderly are treated at times and so I wont do that to them as I would not want my kids to do that to me. My husband is wonderful but caring for them does take its toll on our relationship at times and I often think I did not sign up for this but I just keep telling myself that they probably dont have to much longer at least I dont think his mom will make it to the end of summer and I know that sounds awful for me to say but she apparently was a alcoholic her whole life that he is surprised she has made it this long. We have only been together 7 years this month and he doesnt have any other family except for his brother so when I get to the point that I cant take it anymore then I call him and he will come over but its not for very long and he has no clue what to do for either of them. We left him one time with them for a weekend so my husband could get me away for a couple days and we came back to a disaster he had his dad in the hospital and he didnt call hospice first so it terminated the hospice for him which created all kinds of headaches trying to get him back on it and having to do paperwork over again and then ambulance and ER bills that the insurance wouldnt cover because he was suppose to be on hospice and a few other headaches so after that I said no more its not worth the headache I would come back to. I am really glad that I have found this site though and have others I can talk to now. Thank you everyone for allowing me to vent it was very much needed....
One more thing I do it because I love my husband. I went through a really bad first marriage and for almost 5 years I dated no one because I couldnt trust anyone until I met my husband now. My kids put this man through hell because they felt no one was good enough for their mom my son was the hardest on him and even though my kids were horrible to him he still stuck around and did not give up. He now has a great relationship with my kids and when we do have time for each other he treats me like royalty and gives me nothing but the best so that is why I do what I do.
Your loving heart and willing hands are much appreciated I am sure!
Hospice should have started revocation so your father in-law was covered. While he was in the hospital.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support