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The past week or so I've just felt so sad I can hardly stand it. My 84 year old dad is a great guy yet I just feel so tired of it all. The last three years was a mess taking care of then placing Mom with Alzheimer's. She passed away in Late February and now I feel like its happening all over again. Dad is only mobility impaired and frail and only slightly forgetful yet I just feel overwhelmed. I started a new job three weeks ago (big promotion from old job) and I thought getting out of that old employer would help. It didn't.

I now realize it was more home then work causing me stress. I've given up a lot to live here and take care of my folks and as the only heir I will admit I'm looking forward to the reward at the end of the tunnel (inheritance) even though I've given up far more in lost income then I will get from Dad. He's my Dad and I can't just leave.

Tonight I came home from work and tried to be in a good mood yet the smallest thing set me off and I said "I just don't give a damn anymore". I actually kicked a door in anger and just felt like exploding then crying. I'm not usually so out of control of my emotions.

I apologized to my Dad and he's ok with everything but things are not OK. I really feel like I'm dangling off a cliff and its gotten to the point where I've actually looked up Final Exit online and watched their YouTube videos. Not for Dad but for me! But of course that's not an option because I have to take care of him.

I've become so successful and well respected in my career and make a good living yet I feel so miserable. It's getting worse and worse. I wish I knew what to do.

TiredAZ

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I really like ChristinaW's suggestion, throw a party. Try to make it fun ever now and then, not just for the one you're caring for but you too!

Find a Church that you like. Only with the Lord Jesus, can we walk through the storms of care-giving. God can keep us calm in the most treacherous times. The peace received from the Prince of Peace is the answer.
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Oh we sure understand your sadness. Depression perhaps, but maybe you need to look at getting dad care now. I was told it was important to get my mother settled in a place of her liking while she still had some understanding and could orient herself to a new place. It is so suffocating the pain of "trying" to do it all. I really liked the remark about compassion fatigue. I think perhaps if you knew dad was placed in a good residential facility that your angst would respond favourably. I know now that my mom is in respite care waiting on a bed that I can breathe again, just knowing that I do not have to try and do it all by myself anymore helps me, do I feel guilt you bet you, it is a mind cluster. I spoke to her yesterday and she just cried to come home, it cut me in pieces, but she can't come home because she is getting worse and it is a matter of time before she will be totally out of it. It is beyond hard to start a new job with all of this mess. Take care of dad the best way you can, you need help and you may just have to look outside the home for it. No one person can do it alone. Try not to feel guilty, pick yourself up and breathe life into yourself, his care is destroying you little by little, that is what happened to me, maybe it is different for you, I truly don't know, but I do know my own truth.
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We feel you, Tired... It seems like I stay in a state of sadness here lately...it's like there's no escaping it...but that's normal... My mom is in the late stages of Alz/dementia.... it's horrific to watch her like this, so helpless, and gut wrenching to deal with... I can't even begin to heal until my mom passes... Part of what is so, so difficult for care givers is KNOWING that awful truth...that in order to heal, to find peace and live a normal life our charges have to die...God, I cringe just saying it out loud, and hate myself for the thought, but there it is... My mom isn't living life or enjoying it, she's simply existing... Your feelings are totally normal...
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she sounds just like me....good luck tiredaz
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Hi TiredAZ-- I just found your post from June 2013 and I am wondering if you are feeling any better these days? Could you find someone to give you respite from your dad so you could take a few days away for yourself? Please let us know how you are doing.
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christina is suggesting the familiar anti sobrity medication. talked to a girl in the
*()()* class today who said that her mothers only concern in going to AL was could she still stock a wine cabinet. the wine cabinet is a precondition and the elder is comfortable - y numb. the universe roiles..
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I think you should throw a party and make sure your Dad is in the middle of it. Invite people from work, your neighbors, a couple of friends. Have it catered, plenty of wine or margaritas. Everyone's energy will permeate your home and it will linger... Until the next one! Enjoy! Party!! WhooHoo! Sometimes it's the only answer:)
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All normal feelings, but does sound like depression has set in and you should talk to your doctor. Find a good friend that you can see regularly and support each other. It helps to talk to someone else about their problems sometimes and get a different perspective on our own.
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Count your blessings when you can!! you could be like me, and stuck in the house all day no job or outlet, god it is mindbending!!! I mean that in a supportive way, no disrespect to your anguish!
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it is a form of depression yes but does not need an outside source..Depression is a documented side affect of caregiving. Two terms I have heard used medically is "caregiver burnout and compassion fatigue". You will find lot of info here and by Googling those terms. Bearing the burden and watching our family member slip away in such a long degrading fashion is a depressant, you don't need any more than that. But then there is, as life goes on. So ya we get sick and depressed angry bitter people! anti depressants will help definitely, we are not superhumans for loves sake so what if we have to take a pill to get us thru this!!!!! we medicate them to make em comfortable and healthy as possible, lets take care of ourselves just as good.
I cant wait till my dr appt comes up this month, been waiting for it at the low$$clinic for months! I like to throw dog toys at the fireplace when I feel that stressed! weird but they are soft with a bit of heft I guess and it is metal, lol!!!
Take care of yourself by talking it out here or wherever, and get some pills!
luv,
Juju
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I suggest counseling. What you have been through and are still dealing with is challenging and sad and fatiguing. You deserve support and help. Talk therapy and/or drugs can help get you back on an even keel.
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Dear TiredAZ,
I know the sadness...you try to do everything for everybody and it is never enough...at least that's how it feels to me. I too can spend a day at work and leave the office feeling good but there are days when I get home and I turn into an angry and overwhelmed child. Ok that's not it exactly but there are days when waves of the sadness are suffocating. Sadly I do really think about going to bed and hiding under the covers or just running away! But I will be where ever I go so that is a futile daydream.
I am not being cheerful in my attempt to tell you that there others who know the feeling. I am taking anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds and they do help. I wish there was a support group where I live but I haven't found one yet or they meet during the day.
I know in my head that sadness is reasonable but feeling it is another story. Do you take breaks for yourself? Do you give yourself a cup of coffee or treat on the way home?
Hugs to you and remember to take care of you too! It is hard but take it a day, or hour, at a time.
Take care
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It sure sounds like depression has set into you. Depression takes away the pleasure in things we should enjoy. One thing you need to figure out is what is causing the depression. Having a good job and making money is not enough. Having a father you love is not enough. Is there something that you need in your life that is missing? Or could you have a chemical imbalance brought on by all the stress and change that has been going on.

Perhaps you can find a way to take a short break for yourself and talk to a psychiatrist. It could be the antidepressant therapy and medications will do the trick for you. Or it may be that identifying what is missing in your life will be helpful. Your anger and hostility are telling you something is wrong. The trick will be trying to find what it is and remedy it.
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