How many of you have quit your job to care for your parents and now regret that you did?

I have had my MIL living with us for about 6 months, and my special needs sister in law has lived with us for a year now. When my MIL moved in, I was able to make arrangements with my FT job to work part time from home and part time in the office. I can take care of my MIL in the morning for breakfast, morning meds then I go to work from 10- 2. We have family, friends and hospice help while I am at work.
Now that she is getting weaker (end stage pancreatic cancer) I am thinking about taking leave under FMLA. I have a lot to do the next 4 weeks, but am hopeful that once I get this project done I will be able to take off the rest of the time she has to be with her. The demand of both work and caring for her are becoming way too much and have started taking thier toll on my own health.
I am not sure of your situation, if it is short term or long term, but for me I know that I can return to my job after a few months without issue. If it were a long term situation with my MIL, I am not sure what I would do.

My 2 cents...if you need an income to live, then
you should not quit your job.
Now is the time to call in as much help as possible, or look at other possible situations rather than trying to continue to be a caregiver yourself.
It is not easy in this economy to find another job, and I dont think any parent who can think clearly wouuld want their child to lose their income, and possibly their house in order to care for them.
As caregivers we HAVE to remember to care for ourselves as well.
Quiting a job which you need in order to survive is not taking care of ones own self.

I quit working 4 times to care for parents. I also had children at the time, we scraped by. I couldn't do it all and had to give up something. I couldn't not care for my parents and I wanted and needed to care for my children. We were poor during that time, but I'm glad I was there for my parents when they needed me. It wasn't easy by any means and I had no help from siblings, but now that both of my parents are gone, I feel good about what I did. I think each person needs to decide for themselves and trust their instincts. Do what YOU need to do to keep going. It's not an easy road.

I was asked by my sibs to quit my job and care for Mom who has PD and dementia. That was 5 years ago. It's not been easy. My husband lost his job 2 years ago and had to start SS early when his unemployment benefits ran out. Our debt has risen quite a bit since all this happened. My husband is 64 and I am 61. It's a struggle emotionally and physically and mostly financially. This summer I will be 62 and am going to start receiving SS on my husbands and will wait until I'm 66 to draw on mine so I can get the full amount.
If you are financially well off, it makes the decision to become a care giver a bit easier, but it will take a toll on your health and relationships in the end. I would tell you to go with your conscience in this decision because in the end, you still have to live with yourself. If you decide not to do this, don't beat yourself up over it. You have to do what is best for you. Good luck!

I did stop working due to mom's increasing dementia. I couldn't handle the guilt and the non stop calling from her when I was at work. I regret that I have nothing to go back to now that she has passed, I think it would help with the big hole her passing left, but I don't regret being available for her. Bless you on your journey. this forum was so helpful to me during a rough time.

For the past 4 years I have been the care provider for both my parents as well as my FIL. It is difficult without my income but my husband and I decided together this was the right thing to do and we have cut back our spending and our debt has increased. I do not regret this decision at all. This is a season in our lives and I'm happy to be able to give back to our parents we have given so much to us.

I quit my job several times to care for my dad who has had 3 strokes. He was in and out of nursing homes for the last 4 yrs. When I was caring for him I used his SS check to pay for Shelter & Utilities & things he needed. My husband made just enough to pay our personal debts (car, insurance, cell phones etc..). I also have a 25 yr old son at home who has Aspergers (High functioning form of Autism) who receives no Disability Income because he can read & write & walk & talk ( disability depts words, not mine) so we support him also. Dad was very TIGHT with his $$ and it was like pulling teeth in the beginning to get him to agree to pay any bills. In the last year his mental health has declined due to PD so it has been easier paying the bills assigned to his check. He went back into a nh 3 weeks ago and because of the loss of his income and no job YET for me to go to we have had to move & sell off some of our belongings to afford the move and pay some misc expenses.. I know I did the best thing for him in keeping him at home for as long as I could. I also saved the government thousands of Dollars by them not having to pay 5500.00 a mth for his care in a nh thru their medicare and medicaid program. My dad is a veteran but he was never in service during a war or he would have had benefits from that. Neither my brother or sister would give up their time or jobs to care for dad and they are financially stable and still employed. This happened with my mom 12 yrs ago. Same story just different parent. I've received "pats on the back" and "your a wonderful daughter to do this for your dad" but that isn't keeping the lights on and gas in my car. I sleep well at nite knowing I did the best I could for both my parents but wake up early worrying about how I'm going to survive.

End of pancreatic cancer it should unfortunately be fast. I would not leave job if I were you.

I was in the fortunate position to take a buyout from my company nearly 5 years ago and I did so in part to help my parents. At that time, their needs were not as great as they became, but I knew what was up ahead for us given both their conditions. I could never have juggled my job with their demands as they ramped up. So I was grateful to be in the financial position to stay at home (we have 2 kids at home as well). I desperately miss being active in my line of work (journalism), but I am very grateful I have been able to take care of my parents. My father passed away 5 months ago after a long illness and Mom has dementia. I took my dad to all appointments and did their shopping and coordinated their household. Since his death, we've moved Mom twice and she is now in a great memory-care residence, a safe and secure place for her and us. I am in the process of cleaning out her house in order to put it up for sale. There is now light at the end of the tunnel for me. I have given up much to care for them, but I don't regret it at all. When I left my job, one sister had just moved 6,000 miles away and my other sister is the primary income for her family. I was in the best position to take on this role and I am stronger and better for it. I am also in a solid financial position and have a supportive husband. If I didn't have those two things going for me, I know I would be miserable and probably could not have sustained this journey.

I have to second what the others have said, if it will put an undue financial burden on you then you should probably look elsewhere for her care and keep your job. The financial stress of caregiving can totally overwhelm and dishearten even the strongest. Think long and hard about it and pray on it before making your final decision.

I'm sorry, I just realized I didn't answer your question though, do I regret that I quit my job to take care of my mom....yes and no. There are a lot of things that changed after my decision to take care of mom-she had already been living with us for over a year and had reached a point of needing more care than my husband could give (hygiene issues). I decided to take early retirement (I'm only 57) so can't draw any monies yet but husband made enough and mom pitches in financially. Then husband passes away and with him his income. Now living on son's SS, mom's help, and a small insurance policy. It's been difficult, but it is what it is and my sisters and I really don't want to put her in a NH at this point. With her dementia I believe there will come a time when we have no other option, but we aren't there yet. I miss the social aspect of my job the most, but try to keep in touch as much as possible with my friends. It's not easy and like I said...take some time if you have it to discern your next step.

Listen to your body and mind. It is so very important that you find balance in your life. As much as I wanted to be able to take care of my mother who had COPD, I knew I would need an outlet, support from others, and some distractions. I loved my mom, but I knew if I quit my job to take care of her full time, I would lose my sense of self and focus only on her. Vacations or getaways are also a must to recharge your battery and clear your mind.
I was able to employ part time caregivers that were attentive, loving, and skilled. My family took turns on weekends. We would include mom in any family activities that she was able to attend due to her restrictions. Having personal time off ( PTO) allowed me to take off necessary time for her doctor visits. I felt very fortunate to have been able to take care of mom and take care of myself at the same time. I was able to curb the resentment that some people experience after giving up their time to be a full time caregiver. Mom knew she was loved. She was often demanding as she got older and displayed many attention seeking behaviors, but she was not neglected, and we made time for her. She was never alone, except when she wanted to be. I was with her at the very end, and held her in my arms as she passed away. I feel I did the right thing for both of us.

I took a leave of absence to care for my Dad... Everyone was VERY understanding and I will always be thankful I could do that for my Dad. He was a wonderful Father a really great Grandfather and I really miss him. I think I would encourage you to try to take a leave. Once your loved one goes they are gone and you do not get to go back! take care...

Yes I quit my job three years ago due to mom calling me all the time at work or getting lost while driving due to AD plus my job wasn’t bending to allow me to take off to help her enough so I literally walked out due to the stress of it all and spent a week in bed due to the stress of it. Since, mom has got a lot worse and cannot care for herself at all and living with us since I quit but we our one income has even gone down due to economy so now we have lived off some of mom’s money as well and I feel guilty for doing that! So when you are already in THAT boat where do you go? I mean hindsight is always 20/20. I am exhausted and care giving is def taking its toll on my body, my mind and emotions ( FYI we have exhausted resources for outside help with being destitute which I am about ready to be there!) yet I know when she passes I will feel guilty then too so seems like an endless cycle and not enough support for caregivers

ljdh0709 hit is perfectly. I'd like to add that not all of us are cut-out to be a caregiver.

i retired a year early to care for my mom, and yes i regret it, but that was my decision and it is done now

I quite my job to find and manage home care for my parents at the same time, my husband was ill and a lot of stuff was going on, which was tearing me apart. I should have taken family medical leave. By quitting, I was 1 1/2 years away from being vested in my retirement program. I let my fears and emotions get in the way of thinking this through. I wish I had sought some advice around this. But in reality I still have to go visit across the state after 4 years of not working, for emergencies, doctor appts., just to visit, because they are lonely, . So who is going to hire me when I can't give 100% at a job. At least I am registered with a temp agency, so I can work when I don't have to be with them.

I did not choose to leave by work. But, three weeks before care was necessary for my mom, my position was eliminated. I've always been a believer in things happen for a reason. So, I came to live with my mom while her husband had major surgery followed by rehab. He ended up being gone for three months. Prior to this, me an my siblings had no idea the extent of my mom's Alzheimer's. Now we are a year and a half later and I am caring for both of them with no help from the siblings to speak of this year. This has become a tremendous stress on family relationships. I am second guessed and considered a liar or at the very least a tremendous exaggerator. My mother's care is demanding and constant. If I were not here, she would need to be in a secure unit; assisted living is not an option because she would be at risk of wandering.

I would not change the way things have happened, but assistance from my siblings on a regular basis would have been very helpful and appreciated. During my first nine months caring for my mom, I also completed my master's degree to upgrade and update skills with hopes of finding employment. However, in spite of looking I have not been able to find anything. My job is here, caring for my mom and her husband. Things happen for a reason.

I stopped working to care for my Mom while she was sick and now she's passed (12/27). I don't regret a minute of it. I would do it all over again if I had to. I a single Mom with a kid in college so I stopped helping him. Bur, remember one thing, no matter how hard financially things get, there's always help out there one way or another, but you only have one parent.

My Mom and husband & I had talked about combining households "when the time was right", and it had seemed to be closer and closer. Then, 3 years ago, I lost my job. That seemed to make it the the right time, although Mom didn't need full time care at that point. I decided that I would take 6 months to look at my options, and at the end of that 6 months, Mom was needing more and more care. Now she needs it full time, and every time I talk about going back to work, she tends to panic. There is also a loss of skills that comes will long term unemployment, as I discovered when I applied for a job that I was perfect for last month, and they had me test for. I failed miserably. There is also explaining to an employer the long lapse in unemployment. I am 56. I doubt, at this point, that I am employable. So if you are older and intend to take a long break to care for your parent, and then go back to work, consider whether you will be employable when you go back. My main concern at this point is whether I can get disability if I become disabled before I reach retirement age. Your disability quarters all have to be earned within a certain time frame, and mine are rapidly running down. I have fibromyalgia and other health issues, so this is a real concern for me. I love my Mom, and won't trade being with her, and would never put her in a nursing home, but just wish there was some way I could have kept working, at least part time, so those quarters wouldn't disappear.

Several times over the years I either put a semester of college or my career on hold or went on a long term leave of absence from my job to care for my mom. The last time I did quit my job to take care of my mom until her death. I remember when I made the decision to finally quit after months of taking FMLA, vacation, and reward time off. Her care was just too involved to do both and my health also was being affected. I knew that my needs were not met from my job. I know that sounds a little out there, but it was as if I had a boldness and belief that my and my family needs would be met. I knew I would be fine because this was my calling - I had known since I was 7 that I had elderly parents and that I would be taking care of them younger than most people - and though I felt sad to leave I did so with a internal reassurance that all things would work out and that some how a way would be made.
My husband was laid off a year after I left and the only job he found was in another city. It was quite scary at times, but we made it. A few weeks after my mom died, I was offered a position - a new one with better pay - at the place I had worked. Exactly 6 weeks after my mom died, I was back to work. I lost none of the time and seniority I had accrued before resigning because I had worked 23 months before leaving and had only been gone 22 months.

My husband and I still faced more lay offs, a surgery for him, and several other things since my mom has died, but somehow everything always worked out for us. I know not everyone has this same outcome and I certainly would never judge someone for not going the route I decided to go especially when jobs are so hard to find anyway. I guess I just went with what felt right to me to take care of my mom and 13 years later, I have never regretted my decision.

@Deefer12 - if your husband is already drawing SS, how do you plan to draw from his account also? I don't think it works that way...unless he is no longer living, and I am reading your post completely wrong.

I took early retirement from my full time job at considerable financial disadvantage to me. I'm frankly still very bitter about that, but had no choice. My advice would be don't quit unless there is no other option. I'm single and an only child so it's all on me; not even unhelpful siblings to complain about. My bosses were starting to get cranky the last year or so when I had to rush away constantly because my mother had some dire emergency or other, which became more and more frequent. Two years later my own social life has dwindled down to nothing; my friends just stopped asking me do do things because I can never get away. My mother was always a drama queen, and dementia has turned her into a really, really annoying and completely self-centered diva extrordinaire; I think her goal in life is to outlive me, and she just may do it. I get more and more worn down both physically and mentally as time goes on. When people ask me how she's doing, I reply "jokingly" that she is just fine, but I, on the other hand, have lost my will to live. Except it's true, and not at all funny. I just roll my eyes when I read "get help." Yeah, right, and where is all this help, do tell. Too much money for Medicaid, but not enough to actually hire help. This is not making me a better person at all as some claim; I resent it enormously, and don't pretend otherwise. There is just no solution.

When I took over guardinship for my parents I also filed for FMLA thinking it would protect me - wrong.Many companies try very hard to unload FMLA cases though it is against the law.I was lucky because I was moved to another project with some very understanding managers who went out of their way to accommodate my new situation.It didn't hurt too that I had our elderlaw attorney call early on and explain to the young managers the downside of abusing FMLA laws ! I could not afford to lose my job because my siblings walked away from any responsibility and I needed income to care for my folks,pay caregivers, and keep a roof over my head.This lasted over six years.Mom and dad are gone now and so is a large chunk of my retirement and all of their savings but at 60 I think I'll have enough years remaining to recover from the setback.Keeping the job was a good thing because the world has changed so much over the last decade that it would be impossible to find another good one at my age now.I'll never regret the path I took in regards to giving up some of my life so my parents could be protected.I sleep a lot better at night now.I wonder how my siblings are sleeping?

This is a decision you have to make on your own. I quit my job 4 years ago to move my mom with me. There are some that say I will be blessed, others that say I need to live my life. Some days I cry and regret it, but then there are those days or times when I look at her and see in her face the confusion and sadness.
I used my mom ss and pension to care for both of us (rent,electric food etc), and was accused by my siblings of taking her money. I was fortunate to have a neighbor who assisted me when I found another job. My sibling did nothing to help me, so their accusations meant nothing to me! My mom has dementia, and to not share any memories she has left seems cruel. I know I will have to place her at some time when she gets to the point she cant use bathroom ,cant feed herself etc. I am now searching for another job( I was laid off the last)because I need health insurance also, and my neighbor will continue to sit with mom a few hours and I am going to also have an in home agency come out. I wont put her in adult day care because mom does not participate in anything, and paying an agency $600 a month was a waste.
Bottom line is our parents are the ones when we were young(some older) that no matter if we were disobedient, sick, in need or not, they were there! My mom cared and loved me no matter what and even when I was a grown married woman any hospital time I had, birth of children hysterectomies, when I woke up my mom was the first face I saw. I want to be sure my face will be the last she sees. I have been blessed caring for her.

The first year after I quit my job to care for my paralyzed mom (from a stroke) and my dad I applied for every state assistance program available. I found one that pays me a monthly stipend of about $900 which has helped to make the transition from the full time income. I'm on year 5 now and it's a huge blessing. In Florida it's called the CDC Plus program and it pays for 10 hours respite a week per parent also which is a major mental health need!

I found that working full time and caring for my mother full time was too stressful. At work I could not focus on my job and was constantly worried about her being alone and not remembering to take her medication, etc. I am widowed and live with my mother in her home. It is still stressful and the stress is definitely caused by financial concerns and exhaustion. I am told by other caregivers who took care of their parent/parents were so glad they were able to be there for them after they passed. I was also told by a Godly person that I would never have to worry about being provided for as God honors children who honor their parents. And, I know I would feel guilt for the rest of my life if I were not able to do this for her. After all, she won't be here forever, and then I can worry about what I need to do to survive.

You need to ask a tax attorney, you are allowed to be paid for being a caregiver. If your family asked you to take care of your parent, the siblings or family needs to understand that you should have some pay. They are not giving up there life's, if you could get some pay, again, ask your tax attorney, and continue to work part-time, that would allow you to give your parent more time with you, and give your family more time with you, without the burden.

I am in the same boat right now, to either quit my job, which you can do in this state to take care of an aging parent. My mom has dementia and the cost of home care while I am at work is no small cost even with help from local agencies. I still have to pay out of pocket for part of the cost of care for mom. Yet I can say that I am glad to have a job to go to just to get out of the house. So I guess it comes down to what one feels is needed to suit your situation.

My recommendation is to talk with your employer about telecommuting and the ability to work from home. Depending upon what you, many companies are taking advantage of this opportunity because it saves them money.

Talking with your supervisor and Human Resources about this possibility is a good idea. I know many companies that will take compassion and give the opportunity to work from home.

I need to make a living while caring for an aging parent, I work strictly from home. I work several part-time jobs, but I know many companies that now allow working from home and I strongly recommend you check it out with your employer.