Words of encouragement needed.

Started by

I’m so tired and I just want this job to be finished and have a chance to deal with the grief. I guess what brought these feelings to the surface is, I have to go through all of the files and "stuff" at my parents house to make sure personal information doesn't get in the trash. I found a folder that Dad kept while Mom was dying, I’ve been crying off and on ever since. I try to stay strong and positive. I’m so tired of doing everything, trying to keep it fair and being portrayed as the bad guy. They don’t think that this is stressful for me. I had to watch my Mom and Dad die slowly day after day. Everything in the house reminds me of that.

I get mad at myself, because at times I’m too trusting and get manipulated by the siblings who are just trying to get their way, no matter how unfair it is. But I guess they are right, I would give everything away to people I care about.

I think I need a cheerleader.


You are a wondeful daughter and doing something few would do. It sounds as if you are going through anticpatory grief. I cannot imagine taking care of two parents.
I know about the fatigue. Do you receive hospice or pallative care for your parents? Do you get any help?
You can do this, but you need to have some breaks. There are so many emotions that one goes through in caregiving. I know some days I am just so tired of it all, I just collapse in bed and cry. I also go to therapy and have some medication that helps with the stress and anxiety.
My prayers are with you,
My parents have passed and I am dealing with the estate. I just re-read and realized I didn't mention that.

Dina, thank you so much for your kind words. I did have anticipatory grief with both of my parents, caring for them was so difficult. Lots of crying too, as you mentioned. Now that my caregiving journey is over, I thought I was handling things well, but I guess alot of grief is lurking below the surface. I keep thinking that when I get the estate settled I will be able to relax.
Matthew 11:28
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Matthew 11:28
"Come to Me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.

Psalm 73:26
My flesh and my heart may fail, But God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
Care - I am going through the same thing as you. I moved in with my dad 8 years before he died and took care of him until he passed a year and a half ago (my mom passed 24 years ago). That house is the house I grew up in. Dad got rid of most of mom's stuff after she died but I still find things of hers, things he kept. It's taken this year and a half for me to even be able to spend more than an hour or two going through his stuff without sobbing. Now I actually have times where I'll find something that brings back good memories. I wish I could say the one thing that would make this easier for you but I haven't found it for myself. Guess we just have to resolve that it means we loved them with all our hearts. Good luck and know you're not alone ~ Kuli
On a practical note, there are companies (you can find them in the yellow pages) that will shred all your documents for you. You bring in garbage bags full and you're charged by the pound. I discovered that after moving from a 2000 sq ft house to an RV (lifestyle change - went on the road for a while). It's a real time saver.
Oy, handling the estate is a trying time. I handled my father's estate. My mother was executor, but she was not mentally or physically able to handle things. It was not a lot of work, but he had bits of money here and there, so I had to redirect everything to my mother. It took time. The people I dealt with made it easier. When they learn there is a death, they are so helpful working through it.

My father hoarded boxes and records. Two or three months after he died, I knew it was time to start clearing things. Surprisingly, the little boxes he had made a fortress from were almost empty. The dining room was filled with boxes of old financial and medical records.I knew it would take quite a few days to sort and shred. Most of the things in the boxes hit the shredder. Occasionally as I shredded, I stopped and thought about how I was so easily shredding the life of my father. He never looked in the boxes, but it was important to him, I guess, that he had all his life records in boxes. It is true that we didn't have a dining room because of them, but he had to keep things.

So I shredded his life for days. I also got a chance to learn about the last 25 years of my parents' lives. I saw things that they bought, places they went, how little money they made. Shredding the records let me know them as people and not just as parents.

I believe doing these things are important in letting go when it is time. Maybe these things are even part of the grieving process, like looking through a photograph album, but seeing the real picture of their lives and not just a pose for the camera.

Big hugs for you, Care. I know you are tired, but these things pass and leave good thoughts when they do.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels this way while going through my parents things. Jessiebelle, you give me insight as to why it brings out so much emotion. It is like going through my parents lives, their history.

Thank you so much everyone. I shall trudge on.....
(and also look for a shredder)
Hang in there...you have poured your heart and soul into their lives. You have every reason to be frustrated, doing it all alone is rough. Take your time...walk outside and get some air. Stop and breathe....God Bless you.
Care, My condolences to you on losing your mom and dad.

Take it easy on yourself and cry when you feel like it. You're undergoing some overwhelming feelings and so much practical stuff to deal with IS a burden, especially when grieving. My dad died in 2010. Moved my mom to our house three months later and she brought her whole 'house' full of goods here. Mom moved to AL three months later. Gah! Whole 'nother story. It's all here on AC somewhere.

Anyway, two years and three months later, there are still boxes I can't bear to open. I pretty much know what's in them, so many memories *sigh*, but I'm not ready for the grief they will bring back. I loved my dad dearly, and days do get better. His mementos will age like a fine wine, and until I know I'm able to appreciate them fully and can handle it, I'll just leave them be.

I've come to the point where I can accept life will never be 'normal' in the way I knew it before life changed. It no longer hurts like being cut with a dull knife daily. Pricks with a pin, sure I still feel those almost everyday. Dreading losing my mom someday. At least I won't have a whole full of stuff to deal with, but it will be very painful just the same.

((Hugs)) to you. You WILL get through this, somehow and come out on the other side. It WILL be different and that will take some adjusting too. It's a journey. There is no right or wrong in grieving. There is no timeline for your feelings, despite what some blissfully ignorant person may tell you. They will all be on the same path someday. It's part of the human experience. Not one we ever wanted to know about, once we're there, but we're here all the same. No one is ever prepared for these feelings. It's not really imaginable until you've experienced it.

Take care, Care. Wishing you a good night's rest and a better day tomorrow.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support