Just feeling....Lonely. Frustrated. Angry. Sad


My mom lived in the same house with her 2 sisters for over 38 years. Six years ago, both sisters passed away. On the night of my aunt’s funeral, her daughters (Who now owned the house mom lived in), threw out a proposition to me. If the kids and I moved into my mom’s apartment (more room and where I lived with my parents for 18 years before I got married), they would move my mom downstairs so she wouldn’t have to climb stairs, and they wouldn’t have to sell the house.
My kids and I had just moved into a new apartment 2 months prior and we loved it there! But what was I supposed to do? Have my cousins sell the house from under my mom after she just lost both her sisters? I had to sell most of my furniture because it wouldn’t fit in this house. And the kids and I packed up again and moved. Right upstairs from my mom.
Within the last 2 years my mom has been hospitalized many times. The first five times was for colitis and CDiff. Each time she came home I had to take Family Leave from work to care for her (I don’t get paid for it because I work for a ‘bi state agency’). I did everything for her. Bathe her, fed her, made sure she took her meds, and every time she wound up in the ER I was the only one there with her for 10 hours at a time. (I have a brother but he is basically useless. Always has an excuse for everything).
Last year my mother suffered a massive stroke. Thankfully it was a blood vessel in the back of her head that closed so all it affected was her walking. But it was touch and go and in order to save her life I had to have her transferred to a New York Hospital (NYU). She was there for 7 weeks, during which time I literally left my kids on their own and lived at the hospital for the first month then drove back and forth every day. (We live in NJ and it cost me my entire tax refund on tolls and parking during that time).
My mom spent time in 2 ICU’s and at one point was in a coma. The hospice team came to her room one day and told me my mother would never open her eyes or walk again. (Imagine our surprise when she opened her eyes that night and told us she was hungry!). Following 5 weeks at a rehab facility (Where we had to spend one night in the ER due to my mother being in excrutiating pain with her arthritis), my mother finally came home.
I love my mother. But I am burned out. I work full time and thank God my kids are older (Daughter 21, son 18), but for the last five years all I have done is concentrate on my mom. I haven’t been to the beach in five years. My mom has an aide with her during the day while I’m at work, but as soon as I come home, it’s all me. I’m tired enough as it is from getting up early each morning, and to come home and have to see to all of my mother’s needs is exhausting.
I have come to despise weekends, because I’m stuck home with my mom, taking her out wherever she needs to go on Saturdays and then trying to figure out what to do with her on Sundays because she hates staying home. There is absolutely no one to give me a break. It is such a chore getting her in and out of the house, down the stairs, in and out of the car with the walker or wheelchair, and I am just… tired. Tired to the point where I am beginning to feel so guilty because I feel so resentful. And knowing someday she won’t be here with me and I’ll wish for these days back makes me feel worse. But for right now, I just want to get rid of this anger and the feeling that all I want to do is cry. I know there are so many out there who have it so much worse, like having parents with dementia who don’t even recognize them anymore. But no matter what role of caregiver you play, it is hard as hell.

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The original post was from 2013,, I wonder how things worked out?

Sheila, I've been reading through this thread but I keep going back to the original post. You can't change the past but this housing situation was probably a bad idea, only getting worse as mom ages, your cousins have become total s....Ts and your kids are ready to abandon ship.

You can take walks on the beach, get therapy, take up booze, (thanks captain. My fav therapy too) and join a support group but the only real solution is for mom to go into a skilled nursing home and you and you kids get your own place. I know that's a tall order and maybe not possible next week but your going to go down with this ship if you don't change course.

I feel the exact same way as you do Shelia! I get it!!! I have taken care of my mother and grandmother my entire adult life from 18 to now 46 years old. I have children and a husband. I wish someone could give us a answer to making our lives better, but I don't think their is one. I had to make my sister "just sit with mom one night for me". I pray that you find peace and strength. Your story is my story and so many others! Wish You the Best !

There really isn't anyone who can help with my mom. She's not bedridden, but cannot walk without her walker, and even with that she is very unsteady on her feet. She is also on coumadin, so if God forbid she were to fall.... she would be in big trouble (She spent 2 weeks in the hospital with a large hematoma in her stomach just because she coughed too hard!). People say, "Oh but your mom wears that thing on her wrist, right? To call for help if she needs it? But that doesn't give me any peace of mind because if my mom has to push that button, it's too late, she is already in big trouble. And how would she push the button if she were to pass out (Like she did once before because she was dehydrated. Went downstairs and found her on the kitchen floor!). Hanging in there every day. It's all that we can do!

Hi SheilaC, You are not alone. I don't have any realistic answers for you, but I do know very well how you are feeling. I have been caring for my Mom (and other family members) for the past few years. I go through so many emotions everyday. It's just me and my Mom. While I cherish the time we are having together, I wonder when this will all end. It's been too much, really. Now, I have gotten to the point where I am throwing back a few too many every night. Self medicating is not the answer, I know, but it helps me cope. I hope this is just a phase, but I take life just one day at a time. Hang in there. If it is realistic, I would try to get some help with caring for your Mom -- your children, family, you get the idea.....

Sheila, I was and still am struggling with father. We both are right but have different opinions. He tries to control me and tries to tell me how to do things, that I automatically rebel. I don't blame your kids for wanting to leave. My siblings here on island do not visit unless it's a holiday. Fave sis has faithfully visited on the weekend for Me and not for father.

Because of my constant struggles with father, I found something that another poster said on this site. I actually copied/pasted it to my notes. I hope you like it and maybe see which ones you can apply each day.

Accept that others are responsible for their own choices
Anger –deal with it in a healthy way
Blame –don’t blame and don’t accept blame
Consequences – face them and see that others experience them
Decide what you are willing to do and what you are not willing to do
Detachment is not a feeling so much as a choice of behaviours, though the feelings should follow the behaviours. Detachment means you can maintain positive behaviours towards to others –kindness, compassion,
Don’t enable the unhealthy behaviours of others
Focus on yourself
Forgive, but don’t forget the need to protect yourself
Grieve the relationship as it was, the hopes that you had, the mistreatment you received,
Refuse to be manipulated e.g, emotional blackmail
Respond, don’t react
Separate yourself - physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, socially from others behaviours/feelings
Set boundaries
Say “No”
Space –create it between you and them
Try not to take the behaviours personally
Treat others and yourself with love and dignity
You can only control /change yourself – your emotions, your behaviours –do not take responsibility for the others feelings or behaviours

Realise it is a process and that you will make mistakes and get “sucked” in, but that you can learn from your mistakes.

You only need love others as you love yourself -not more than. Please balance your life by loving yourself more.
Expecting gratitude from your mother is like trying to squeeze blood from a stone - it won't happen.
I really liked these words. I hope you do, too.

My mom's strong personality has already begun alienating my kids. We only live upstairs and they don't even want to stop in to see her as often as they used to because every time they do, all my mom does is complain to them or they are tired of her making ME so miserable! My mom complains to me that the kids could be home and she wouldn't even know it or how they go out and don't even stop in to see her first, and I am tempted to tell her the real reason but don't want to hurt her feelings. There is no assisted living housing in our town, and the senior citizen complex isn't exactly very nice. As a matter of fact, our town is having major problems with no security and drug addicts loitering in the hallways or outside.

If you know that you can't live with your mom, then Don't. What you know - will come out to be true but soooo much worse than you imagined. It's not worth it. In the end, your mom's strong personality will wear out your resistance until you just keep giving in to her. She will make your life miserable and alienate you kids due to her accusations/complaints. Is there any chance that she can move in to Assisted Living? Or something similar? You may need to do research on how to pay for it. If this is definitely not an option, then maybe you can find a house that she can live on one side and you all on the other? And maybe start doing more of setting boundaries with her so that it makes it easier on you to live with her. Very difficult situation you're in.

Thank you, Christina. Today I actually had the chance to go to the beach, but I came to work instead. The friend whom I made plans with had car trouble and lives an hour away. Every single person I called either had to work or had things they needed to do. I came really close to going by myself, just to have a ME day! But I've been feeling so down lately that the thought of driving and then sitting on the beach all by myself just seemed too depressing. I knew that if I had gone alone, I probably wouldn't have stayed all day and would have wasted a precious vacation day. So here I am, at work, and the only one here lol!

Who knows? Maybe today something good will happen! I'm in a new office building. Maybe I'll meet Mr. Right on the elevator! Or maybe I'll buy the winning lottery ticket I wouldn't have bought if I had gone to the beach!

Trying very very hard to think positive today, because I am emotionally drained and so tired of feeling like all I want to do is cry. Last night while watching TV all the commercials were of happy smiling people. I just sat there thinking, How I would love to feel like that, even for just one day. To be able to smile and to feel happy! I am sure that there are many caregivers out there, maybe even all of them, who feel the same exact way. Who have also forgotten what happy feels like.

Hanging in there! So happy I found all of you!

SheilaC: Totally Understand! There is something very wrong with your cousins, and there is something very right with you. It is rampant on our planet lately. I'm sure you've noticed.
The crazier the world becomes, and as inequity abounds, I find myself with fresh eyes and a stronger determination to "stand my ground." You will do the same.
You know who you are. It doesn't matter what they say, or how your Mother's dementia is acting out. You are her only safe attachment, and you know what they say about who we hurt.
Know we are here for you, Sheila, and take care. :) xo

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