Just feeling....Lonely. Frustrated. Angry. Sad

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My mom lived in the same house with her 2 sisters for over 38 years. Six years ago, both sisters passed away. On the night of my aunt’s funeral, her daughters (Who now owned the house mom lived in), threw out a proposition to me. If the kids and I moved into my mom’s apartment (more room and where I lived with my parents for 18 years before I got married), they would move my mom downstairs so she wouldn’t have to climb stairs, and they wouldn’t have to sell the house.
My kids and I had just moved into a new apartment 2 months prior and we loved it there! But what was I supposed to do? Have my cousins sell the house from under my mom after she just lost both her sisters? I had to sell most of my furniture because it wouldn’t fit in this house. And the kids and I packed up again and moved. Right upstairs from my mom.
Within the last 2 years my mom has been hospitalized many times. The first five times was for colitis and CDiff. Each time she came home I had to take Family Leave from work to care for her (I don’t get paid for it because I work for a ‘bi state agency’). I did everything for her. Bathe her, fed her, made sure she took her meds, and every time she wound up in the ER I was the only one there with her for 10 hours at a time. (I have a brother but he is basically useless. Always has an excuse for everything).
Last year my mother suffered a massive stroke. Thankfully it was a blood vessel in the back of her head that closed so all it affected was her walking. But it was touch and go and in order to save her life I had to have her transferred to a New York Hospital (NYU). She was there for 7 weeks, during which time I literally left my kids on their own and lived at the hospital for the first month then drove back and forth every day. (We live in NJ and it cost me my entire tax refund on tolls and parking during that time).
My mom spent time in 2 ICU’s and at one point was in a coma. The hospice team came to her room one day and told me my mother would never open her eyes or walk again. (Imagine our surprise when she opened her eyes that night and told us she was hungry!). Following 5 weeks at a rehab facility (Where we had to spend one night in the ER due to my mother being in excrutiating pain with her arthritis), my mother finally came home.
I love my mother. But I am burned out. I work full time and thank God my kids are older (Daughter 21, son 18), but for the last five years all I have done is concentrate on my mom. I haven’t been to the beach in five years. My mom has an aide with her during the day while I’m at work, but as soon as I come home, it’s all me. I’m tired enough as it is from getting up early each morning, and to come home and have to see to all of my mother’s needs is exhausting.
I have come to despise weekends, because I’m stuck home with my mom, taking her out wherever she needs to go on Saturdays and then trying to figure out what to do with her on Sundays because she hates staying home. There is absolutely no one to give me a break. It is such a chore getting her in and out of the house, down the stairs, in and out of the car with the walker or wheelchair, and I am just… tired. Tired to the point where I am beginning to feel so guilty because I feel so resentful. And knowing someday she won’t be here with me and I’ll wish for these days back makes me feel worse. But for right now, I just want to get rid of this anger and the feeling that all I want to do is cry. I know there are so many out there who have it so much worse, like having parents with dementia who don’t even recognize them anymore. But no matter what role of caregiver you play, it is hard as hell.


Sheila, you are not alone. You are in a good place to vent and get support. A few laughs, too. Someday it will end, but in the meantime, don't feel guilty. That is not the right emotion. You are not super human ( but you are). We often see that with people on their last nerve--feeling guilty-- and I'm sure I've felt it, too, but still don't understand why it surfaces. Good that you are able to express yourself and know we are hugging you, and the angels are lifting you up. How are your kids? Are they stable and moving forward? You are blessed. Hang in, Dear One:) xo
My heart goes out to you and your Mom. You certainly have it rough. Some have it rougher and some easier but it is always HARD. This is a great place to start. It looks like this is your first post. I've been here a month or 2 and it is a great place to VENT and get advice. It has literally saved my life.
You are doing a wonderful thing for your Mom and I (we) totally understand your feeling frustrated, angry and sad. We all have many days like that. There is very little appreciation and understanding of all a caregiver does.
This online community DOES understand and appreciates each other because we are all in the same boat.
This is a day to day job that unfortunately has a HUGE "catch 22". It could be a thousand days...or today could be the last. You need to treat each day as if it could be the last (with extra love and affection towards Mom), while dealing with the smidge of resentment, pinch of frustration, obvious sadness (due to the fact that caregivers have already started the mourning process), and the anger, that, in my opinion, is more sadness, but in disguise.. Then there is the BIGGIE. The GUILT we feel about having these negative emotions. It's natural. It's tough to endure. We are all there with you.... and coming here and knowing you are not alone will be great help.
Speaking of help....what I have learned on my journey is you have to actually ASK for it. Your kids are old enough to stay with Mom for a day or 2 a month so you can go to the beach...or wherever you can, to get time to yourself. Talk to them. I have a feeling they are GREAT kids, with a Mom like you. What about the cousins who own the house? Can't they visit the Aunt that lived with their Mom's for so many years? ASK them. It couldn't hurt.
Forgive my overlong sentences and ramblings......I just want you to know...YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Come join us for friday night "happy Hour".....and bring a joke!
And once again, Christina beats me to the punch! LOL! I'm a slow typer and long winded......but we sure think alike girl!
Hey, Boni. I've been working in the yard since 7 am and check sporadically! It's all chance! Let me hear you say "Long GUYland, Babydoll!!!"
SheilaC, you are going to make it out of the slump. Stay with us. WhooHoo!! xoxo
boni and christina are eternal optomists. thats great in cyberland but in the real world sheila, you need booze !!
As always....Cptn is correct! A drink, a toke, a little yellow pill.....sometimes we all need a little extra help.

That's a Long GUYland girls humble opinion. ;)
Hey cap'n, I come from a long line of boozers. I'm not really am optimist, I'm a realist ( I love to argue, can you tell?) but I am an empath and I know the feeling.
Pour me another tequila, SheilaC, will you? Fight. Never Surrender!
lol, i love to kid with hospice about mom and i snorting up all the ativan weeks prematurely. we didnt, but they know we would if we wanted to. it keeps them on their toes. predictability is for losers..i live in a world where there is no time clock. every day is a head rush of planning and executing. its ike piloting a jet thats already burning. plan " e " anyone. we can go to plan " z " and start over adding numbers.. plan a-000001, etc..
SheilaC - I agree with BoniChak's suggestion to ASK for help from your grown kids and your cousins and even your mom's friends. After 12 years of caregiving for both my mom and dad and many, many times spent in my car screaming and crying at how frustrated/angry/resentful I was...I finally figured out I needed to take a day off from my mom every week. So I asked/told my brother (who lives in another state) that Sunday was his day. He was to call mom and I had a day to myself. He has happily (I think?) complied. It never occurred to me before to ask him. He never offered, because he's clueless. Not mean or evil, just clueless about what's involved in caregiving.

So set up a schedule with your relatives or even friends of your mom. Even if you can get away for an afternoon or evening on the weekend, do it! And you're not responsible for making your mom happy and meeting her every need. That's up to her. Your first obligation is to take care of yourself and to keep your mom safe and fed. If she doesn't like to stay home on the weekend, see if there are community resources where she can go. Or other folks who can take her out. Does she have a faith community? Get them involved if you can. Good luck!
We used to be a big, happy Italian family. Lots of aunts, uncles and cousins. All of that has changed (Drastically). All my aunts and uncles are gone with my mom being the only one left. Many cousins have moved away. The funny thing about my cousins who own the house we live in.... I don't speak to them anymore. I grew up with these people! (2 cousins and their daughters). Just before my mom had her stroke last year, they told me they were raising my rent (Even though I pay a good price now and they knew that whenever my mom got sick and I had to take off to care for her I didn't get paid for those days - yet always paid my rent!).

Because I told them that I couldn't afford that raise right now, this resulted in their daughters putting a For Sale sign up on our house for spite. Without even mentioning it to my mom. (Yes, the one daughter is a psycho b****). When my mom found out about the sign, she was extremely upset and cried for an entire month. Now, my mom's doctor had just taken her off coumadin due to a hematoma in her stomach from a bad cough. Not long after, my mom suffered a massive stroke. (The stroke specialist at NYU told me that my mom being so upset for so long and being off the coumadin wasn't a good combination. That every time my mom got upset and had rapid heartbeat, it caused tiny blood clots to travel to her brain).

The entire time my mom was in the hospital I received nasty and threatening texts and voicemails from my cousins and their daughters until I finally blocked them all.
Still in shock that this happened, because I grew up with these people and spent my entire life with them! I have not spoken to them since.

After she recovered my mother wanted to know what went on, why I refused to have anything to do with my cousins, so my daughter and I told her. Every now and then the one cousin comes to see my mom, but now the house is for sale again. I CANNOT live with my mother. Just her being downstairs and the kids and I upstairs is close enough! My mom is very opinionated and all we do is argue lately. As soon as I walk in the door she is full of complaints (My son didn't put the top back on the garbage can in the yard, the back hallway is dusty, etc. etc. ETC). She also takes prednisone, which, for anyone who has had to deal with someone taking that, you know the change in personality that sometimes goes along with it.

No matter how patient I try to be, the things she says to me (Like as far as my cousins go, "YOU are the troublemaker!") are hurtful. Of course she will claim that SHE is the one who is 'abused' and miserable living with us.

There is so much.....My kids get upset because when my mom pushes my buttons they see how miserable she makes me. My daughter (who is 21) already told me that if my mother winds up living with us, that she will move out, that's how crazy my mom makes all of us.

I actually dread going home from work. Thank you, all of you, for your replies!

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