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I decided to start a joke discussion because we as caregivers need our load lightened. We need to laugh at our own situations and those of others to take away the sting and pain we go through. If you have a joke that's racy then give a heads up at the beginning of your post for those who might not want to read your post. We need to avoid that kind of humor. Please don't come on this thread and berate anyone for their choices of humor. This is our place to let go of criticism. Thanks for sharing!!!! ;o)

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Lipstick
On your lips, a colour to enhance your beauty of your mouth.
BUT same colour on his collar, is one only a tramp would wear.
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Here’s a pre-Christmas one for those of us who can't work out where their life is heading:

What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?

Lost!
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Funny definitions (well I think so at least. lol )

Argument
A discussion that occurs when you're right, and continues until he realizes it.
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Whoever came up with the word "dentures" really missed the opportunity to call them "substitooths".
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If they made an organic Twinkie.
Would it be called a sponge?
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Fitting joke:
Gramps got up and asked Grandma if she wanted ice cream?
Grandma said, ok if you don't forget what you went to go get....
Gramps pulled 2 bowls out, answered the phone (wrong number), and looked back at the counter.
Unable to remember what the bowls were for, he served up some chili off the stove that was still warm.
Upon his return with Grandma's chill, she snapped back:
I told you that you would forget crackers!
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Hackers need to step up their game and delete everyone's loans, bad credit and mortgages.
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So yesterday was my regular dementia caregivers support group. We had a guest speaker who was stressing self care. She was telling us we needed stress relief, anything we could do that would help us with decomposition. Well, I couldn't help it. I says, "Decomposition? Is that what we are after?" Everybody laughs. She meant decompression!
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So...how do you tell the difference between SnowMen and SnowWomen?

Check for the Snow Balls!
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How do you get gum off a dog?

You say, "Hey dog, gimme some gum." :)
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A sandwich walks into a bar.
The barman says: "Sorry, we don't serve food in here."
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Margaret, I want to migrate to where you are. I'm freezing here!
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It's 104F degrees where I am today, but if you have snow you really need to know what snowmen have for breakfast.

You guessed, snow flakes.
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My wife and I attended a friend’s funeral at the local Veteran's cemetery. At the time we had no plans for a funeral or burial. I had done some research but had not made a decision.

The funeral we had just attended came off as subdued and very good taste. So on the way home I decided to call VA and find out how we could get buried at the veterans cemetery. I called the VA office in LA and after giving my personal background the VA representative told me that she was sorry that we couldn’t be buried in the veterans cemetery because I wasn't a veteran. I told her that I was in the service with 22 continuous years including a year I had spent in Vietnam.

She responded, “Yes, but you weren’t  wounded!” I argued and then she put me on hold and admitted that her supervisor said that being wounded was not a requirement. I certainly wasn't going to ask any significant questions of this dunce, but I couldn't resist rattling her cage.

We are in Nevada and although the federal government owns millions of acres of land, when it comes to Veterans Cemeteries burial plots are rationed. I believe this is true all over the country but I’m not sure.

The way it works is when the husband dies he is buried at the veteran’s cemetery. When the wife dies they dig up the husband put the wife in the plot and then put him back in on top of her. Most civilians are not familiar with this procedure and many veterans are unaware of it.

Nevertheless, that’s the way it works. So when this expert from the VA came back on the phone, I couldn’t resist asking her what we do if the wife dies first. I told her that we were thinking of storing her in the garage, but lately were considering just laying her out on the dining table because that would be more respectful. I don’t remember the expert’s answer, but she had previously lost her main argument that “You weren't wounded so you are not a veteran.”

The truth is, if the wife dies first, she receives a proper burial  at the gravesite with her own name on the grave marker. When the husband dies, he is buried in the same plot and a new marker losing both of their names is substituted.
  

We are both going to be cremated so we’ll have no trouble squeezing into one space.
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So, as usual, this morning I asked him, "Do you love me?" He says, "Most of the time!" Ha ha ha ha. Right now he's singing for no reason at all. :) I think he and his caregiver are watching "Cops" re-runs. (Not really a joke, but it makes me smile.)
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What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
"Do you small carrot? "
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Seventy-year-old George went for his annual check-up. He told the doctor that he felt fine, but often had to go to the bathroom during the night. Then he said: "But you know Doc, I'm blessed. God knows my eyesight is going, so he puts on the light when I pee, and turns it off when I'm done!"


Fantastic until it is found out he is peeing in the fridge. lol
I am 73 and so glad I have to sit to go. hahaha
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And another follow-up about the turkey that wasn't hungry at Christmas.

It was already stuffed.
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If people are talking behind your back, then just fart.
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Why did the pony gave up his singing audiction?
Because he was a little hoarse.
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I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don't know the answer.
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And this one didn't arrive on time for Turkey Day: Why did they ask the turkey to join the band?

He had the drum sticks!
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Warning: In this present Holiday Season, it is important to take care of yourself and avoid accidents. Spare parts for old models like you and yours are no longer in stock.
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I did preplanning funeral arrangemets with my mother. I wasn't looking forward to it at all~telling myself "I just can't look at her coffin." When the substitute
funeral director comes out (the regular guy had died abruptly while attending a wedding), he shows us a book of caskets & liners. My late mother~"I think I'll be more comfortable in that one."
Me~"How will you know?"
Insert MUCH LAUGHTER!
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Oh, I know, maybe there is something called "casket-sharing".
Sharing spaces is all the rage now, from office space to apartment spaces.
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Superstring,
I will let you know when I rent mine.
Anytime now.
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re the rental casket: is it cheaper to rent a used one than a new one?
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Mentioned on another thread....one can rent a casket now to save on funeral costs.
Has even death become a temporary thing? What next?
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Yesterday morning at breakfast he suddenly said (apropos of nothing): "I'm an OLD man, not a young man!"
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Funniest thing my Dad ever said....

He had an issue with swallowing for some reason. Can't remember but its a known thing - stress related which made sense at the time.

Anyway, my Dad is well overweight. It would have been months before was malnourished. He could eat but, of course, eating meat was difficult to chew.
GP had told him about 5 times he was fine but he was convinced.

So one day:-

DAD: "I think I'm getting weaker and weaker because I'm not eating"
ME: "Dad you're fine - the GP said so"
DAD: "But I'm not eating any meat, so I'm not getting the goodness and vitamins and its slowly weakening me"
ME: <trying to stop laughing but can't> "Dad its not often you see vegetarians keel over in the street these days!"

Yes, example of my Dads stubborness and refusal to listen to anyone but very funny at the time.
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