I hate who I've become due to looking after my father in law.

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I used to be a nice, kind, caring, compassionate person. The one thing people always said about me is that I was kind. Now I am angry, resentful, exhausted, trapped with no way out, and feel completely powerless in this situation with an old man who calls all the shots, an absent brother in law who runs my house through his father, and my husband who keeps promising the earth but when it comes down to it only ever does what makes his dad happy. The only way to save myself from becoming completley embittered and horrid is to get out and I am so angry that I have to give up my home, my life, my marriage because of this man and nobody, nobody gets it.
I can't do this caregiving thing. I take my hats off to those of you who do, and I have enormous respect for you, but I can't do this manipulation and meanness any longer. It is not right, its not natural, and I am heart broken that I am the bad, disgusting, awful person when these three men have just taken every good thing that I offered and twisted my life into this unrecognizable shape.
I used to be a nice person. Maybe one day I will find her again, but I am really becoming scared of who I will become if I stay here.
I know its burn out. You know its burn out. The people here? Just shut up and get on with it, and then life can be happy again. The only problem in life is YOU. Ah man. How did it get to be that such a compassionate act sincerely meant ended up this way and got me into this mess?


sorry everyone. hugely melodramatic, so sorry to vent like that. not really a question, more like a final line in the sand. have a good day, xx
You can vent all you need to here. It is okay to do that. That's why we're all here. I think that the problem is that your husband needs to grow a pair and put an end to his father calling the shots and the brother too. This is your home and his. This is what I suggest. Sit down with your husband, father, and brother-in-law (if the latter can come). Tell them all that if this does not change, you are going to file for divorce and ask for the house and that Hubs and his dad are going to be evicted and can go on their merry way and go live with the brother in law. Even if that is not what you want or plan, you need to shock their eyes open. You don't have to leave. You can make them leave. I think maybe the brother in law needs a turn with Dad. Tell your husband that the only way you intend to let him stay there and not divorce him is if he ships dad off to his brother or to assisted living. His choice. Give a definite deadline. No extensions. Even if you file for divorce, you can still change your mind before the final signing and this can jolt your husband into fixing this problem. I wish you the best.
Susan, I finally found the "in between" news. I was really really hoping your husband would step up and be with you as a united front when it came to his father. After reading your above comments, it seems that father still rules the roost - on both sons' lives. I believe, here on our island, we call it "momma's boy" when a son would do everything and anything for is mother First in All Things - First before wife and his childre, and himself. I think your husband and BIL are "daddy's boys". Some grow out of it, Most do not. Depending on the person (wife), how willing she is to accept this in their marriage/relationship. My sister stayed in such a relationship for years. She found all kinds of reasons to stay in the relationship - even when he was both verbally, mentally and physically abusive to her, her money was his but his money was his, because....She was sooo in love with him. I'm glad that she finally woke up and smell the roses. She broke up despite having 2 daughters with him. She found a very nice and caring man - definitely not mama or daddy's boy. He really does put his family first.....

I know that I'm rambling but I just wanted yo to know that I understand your need (before) to stay and try to work out your marriage. But I just wanted you to know that I don't care for how you're being treated by all 3 men. People (family members) just don't seem to Understand what we caregivers do for them and the dementia person. They think it's our Duty and Obligation to do it - no matter what! I had reached the same point as you have - last year June. Something got to give. I decided I would (except I was thinking the more permanent kind, the most final thing anyone can do with their life.)

Susan, only you can determine where to draw the line with your husband and marriage. Yes, you may have put so much years and effort into it. But, having fil move in, and seeing the true personality of your husband is an eye opener. With the way you described how you have changed - Sometimes, in life, you just have to walk away. I'm soooo sorry. Do what you have to do. I will be thinking of you.
If you still love your husband you may want to try to work things out, but if your feelings for him are not there anymore, you may want to leave. Sometimes, people do indeed reach the breaking point and it is time to leave. I have reached a breaking point with my sister, as she has left the total responsibility on my shoulders for the caregiving of our parents. You are a great lady, and once this mess is solved you will be back to your normal self again. The body has a way of healing itself, and try to take a day at a time.
last night i went to a talk on dementia. i sat in the back row with silent tears rolling down my face as the woman described my life as if she were there. finally here was someone saying i was not mean or psychotic or horrible ... that the fall to person for dementia is the lonliest person on the planet because everyone else sees the sweet old man who is a little bit confused at times and how can you be so horrible as to not understand? she described the switch in personalities, the meaness and maniplation, the charm ... and i cried with relief. there is a support group here for us 'non' caregivers of dementia parents; she also said that families deny there is any caregiving required so why are you getting burnt out, for heavens sake?!
my husband has asked me to stay ... and apologise to fil for having a melt down and tellinghim i was going,as now he feels its all his fault and thats not fair. i have refused to apologise until i know that this is dementia for sure, and not the mean manipulations of an angry old man.... and until there is a doctors verdict then hubby won't raise the dementia issue with him. and so we go, round and round in circles. now on anti depressants, and looking for work. first step first. thank you for your support everyone. thank you for understanding.
Did your husband apologize to you?
Did your husband say that he will try to see Your Side and be willing to be united with you when his father is "at the wrong."
To me, it does not matter if his father has dementia or not. If he has dementia, will your husband really put his foot down or keep letting him slide because "he's sick." ?
Otherwise, you will be back to square one. You need support. Is your husband willing to help you out?
Plus, I don't see why you have to apologize to fil. If you were playing a practical joke, yes. But you were serious and they need to realize this. Otherwise, they will walk all over you again, and again...
Yes...one step at a time...
Susan, if you enjoyed that talk on dementia because you found that You Were and Are Validated for how you feel, etc... I think you might want to look at the videos of Teepa Snow. You can find it on YouTube. Her teachings are funny but Very Informative on how the dementia's think and how we can react to them. I'm still doing several no-nos. It's hard to undo our ingrained personality. It doesn't help that father and I have always conflicted and end up with our famous yelling matches. If I just take to heart her videos, I would dramatically reduce my stress with father. Sigh....Please give it a try and tell me what you think. Take care!
Susan I am crying after reading your story. This is your father in law and you don't have to put up with the abuse from his family..... please respect yourself because you are worthy of respect, love and hope. I love my mom, I am here for her through thick or thin with all her faults, but I have told my siblings think of me as not being here, take over and take care of Mom. Of course they know I am here so keep up the bs, but at least I don't have to listen to them now. I was feeling so down being accused and abused from them I had to take this measure I AM DONE.
I honestly do not see how you are still standing susan26. I truly admire you. Personally, I couldn't put up with your husband or your FIL. One of the saddest days of my life was when it finally hit me that my husband (now ex) would never consider me #1 in his life. Heck, I don't think I even got on the Top 10 Hit List. Our marriage counselor said this marriage would never survive if he didnt put me as number one. A spouse has to know they're important just for being the spouse. When you feel and know your worth, you can handle the things that come along.
I don't see why your husband insists that you apologize. You aren't the wrongdoer in this scenario. Your husband has shown you where you belong on his Top 10 list and it isn't #1. That is truly sad for you. If you want your marriage to work, I sincerely hope it does. But unless your husband recognizes that his priorities are askew, you will never be 1. You will be settling. I decided life was too short to settle for anything less.
God no! Walk girl, let the buggers get on with it and see what fun it is, you clearly are at wit's end.
You are right and honest, we are all different, some have natures who are carers and some are not. You are born with a lot of that characterisations....
Men want the easy road, it is always that way, don't rock the boat, put your head in the sand. Well let them!
Get a nice little live in job somewhere, give them your tel no only, and not your address, there's always work in the summer, and kick off your shoes and smell many roses.
I cannot tell you what our family members have done to us. We cared for Mum and Dad from 1977 to 2007 and then, when she was on last legs and had cancer and dementia they not only made her change her will, but had her sign the most awful statement, full of lies but she was away with it. Poor poor soul.....

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