I hate myself for feeling this way...

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I've been taking care of my 92 yr old double amputee grandmother for 2 yrs. Between the frequent diaper changes all day and night i get no sleep, then she getsupset bbecause i have no energy for anything. It doesn't help that she's alittle OCD And thinks everythings always dirty. Anyway...somedays I just want to put her in a nursing home and be done with it. I'd get my life back, my relationship wih my husband back , my privacy back ,my ability to go somewhere, I could make what I want for dinner, I could go on for days, but then I feel selfish for thinking of myself. I can't get any help from other family members, but they all depend on me to make sure she has a good quality of life( mine doesn't matter to them) I gave up my life my house and my job 2 yrs ago and i feel like a monster for wanting it all back however.... Thank you for listening to my rant.

7 Comments

Rant away. I think everyone here knows what you're feeling. Even when we know we're doing what we need to be, a voice inside keeps calling out, wanting something for itself. I think we also have to caregive ourselves. In fact, I believe we should be at least equally as important to ourselves as our care receivers are to us. I think we should listen to the voice inside and do what we can to make sure we are not neglecting ourselves. If you want to go back to work, then do it. You may be able to find some care for your grandmother during your working hours. What does your husband feel you should do? It may be that you and he can sit down and work out a good plan to make this easier on everyone. There are so many options available that living a tormented life is not necessary. We just have to figure out what the best option is for everyone involved.
Don't hate yourself for recognizing that the situation sucks. If no one will help you, they are making it worse. If people would share the burden (and privilege) of care it wouldn't have to suck the life out of any one person. You are supposed to have RESPITE. We don't let parents of kids with round the clock medical care needs go home with only one trained caregiver, we insist on a minimum of 2 plus whatever home health aide or nursing care we can get, and more are welcome.

If the others who could help with this are sitting around excusing themsleves from helping because they think you "should" put her in a nursing home and give THEM your time and energy, you might want to inform them that a) that is not happening, so suck up and deal with it, and b) when something does happen, which it eventually will, and your caregiving for grandmother is over, you will be taking some time to recover and to care for YOURSELF first and they can go jump in the lake. Just my $0.02.
I know some of you "regulars" will I think that I am totally new here but, I actually signed up years ago. Of course, with all of my caregiving.....you know how that goes. Anyway, averitt69 I know exactly how you feel. That's why I am making the decision to return to this site so that I can vent out to you all instead of to my immediate family. They are so supportive but I feel bad to airing it out to them all of the time.

I have been caregiving for my chronically ill mother (75yrs) for over 20 years now. When I was pregnant, not pregnant, small children, ill myself etc...... It feels like it will never end. Of course, my two siblings have always washed their hands when it comes to her. Or, as my sister has said in the past, "well why shouldn't you take care of her?" Without considering that I haven't taken an outside paying job BECAUSE of my mother! I have soo much resentment towards them. Now she is being diagnosed with dementia on top of ALL of the other medical conditions that she has. It is so hard to not have feelings of anger towards others who won't help or sometimes towards my mother. And I really do love her and try my absolute best for her. So I appreciate you all letting me vent too. I agree averitt69 in that I too have thought of nursing home but my mind and my heart do not agree. She was going to a day care 4 years ago but had to stop because of PHN from Shingles. Yep, she still has the pain now. Plus now her mental state is getting worse so she doesn't want the "noise" that comes with the outside world.

Peace and love to you all. God bless.
Google aafp for ideas on shingles...I think the topical lidocaine patches tend to work the best. I hope something can help and you and Mom can find some peace!
Hey vstefans,
Yeah, forgot to mention that we have tried all of the remedies for the shingles pain and no they have not worked. Mom is the type of person that if there can be side effects, she will have them. If there is a 1 percent chance for it to not work, she will be that 1 percent. But I do appreciate your response. Just knowing that someone out there listens makes me fell better.
Thank you all for listening. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way, some days it just feels like it. I think the biggest problem I face right now is if we do put her in a home the rest of the family gets upset, and we moved into her home to take care of her. I gave up my job 2 yrs ago and now have no income. I know my family will make it sohard to live here, but we can't afford to move.
Seriously, if you can, put her in a nursing home, and take back your life.

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