I feel so guilty because I DO NOT LIKE or respect my father and I end up screaming at him like a crazy person

Started by

Once or twice a week I find myself completely losing it with my dad. He is really disgusting in his personal hygiene habits, ravages the kitchen all night long for snacks (he is a diabetic), rarely acknowledges what we are doing for him, lies outright about many things, allows his daughter (by marriage/adoption) to totally rape his finances and doesn't even talk to her about it, allows her to come over unannounced and insult me and my husband and then gets made at US for defending ourselves. I know I am suffering from burnout, my other siblings do VERY little, if anything, toward my father's care and I find myself so angry and stressed out that I have nothing left for myself or my husband. I feel guilty all the time because I have ZERO respect for my father (never really have), but now it's even worse because we moved into his apartment to take care of him and he is continually resentful of anything we do, even though I have recouped THOUSANDS of dollars for him in insurance money, his daughter's thievery, selling things he no longer uses, etc. Can you relate?


not to mention, we cook him from scratch three gorgeous healthy meals a day plus four or five snacks, attend to his doctor's appointments, keep his medical records, manage the caregiver and housekeeper, the list goes on and on and on....
Does your dad have dementia or has he always been like this? You really have your work cut out for you. When dementia is involved there are a whole new set of rules. If he has always been this hateful then old age isn't is only going to make it worse because he has gotten away with it. You can't make him change unfortunately. You also can't make your siblings change. You are in a tight spot because you moved into his apt.
Could you give more information about your dad's health and/or mental condition?
I hear ya on the no respect thing. I didn't have any for my mom. She didn't have dementia, she was just mean.
Okay. You chose to move in with him. You can choose to move out. You have to forgive your father as he is clearly a bee in your bonnet. Your father is not keeping you in his apartment. Begin there. You'll feel a lot better by having this boundary drawn. Why should your siblings get involved when you chose to move into his home? See, you allowed them to shrink back from helping because you and your husband are living with him.
thanks for the support. My siblings never helped, so there was no "shrinking back", he took a turn for the worse in this past year and his companion, although a sweet guy, is not the sharpest knife in the drawer and was being paid almost twice the going rate for NYC! I came in and rearranged things, saving my dad literally thousands of dollars.

Yes, it's true, we could move out and I have been thinking about it, but not until we find him 24/7 care that I feel comfortable with. I know it is my choice, but even though he lies, is irrational and illogical, he is still my father and I feel a sense of duty to at least make sure he is well cared for in his old age, and protected from harm of any sort (financial, emotional, physical).

My dad does not officially have dementia (yet), but he is getting more and more forgetful and unconscious about his life.

*sigh, I guess I should get off the pity pot.
No, I guess I can't really relate. I cannot image moving in with someone for whom I had absolutely no respect. I can understand and relate to and approve of ensuring that a parent has good care. But that does not require moving in with them, in my opinion.

You don't respect him and you wind up screaming at him a couple times a week and he continues behavior you don't approve of, while you feel guilty and angry and stressed out. Who is benefiting from all this?

He has a caregiver and a housekeeper. You can manage his financial affairs from any where.

Why are you living with him, when it clearly isn't working out?
With the thousands of dollars you have saved, use it to get your father appropriate care. You and your husband need to move out, unless, of course, you are not in a financial position to do so. Are both of you working (aside from caretaking)?

You are NOT responsible for caring for your father. Unfortunately, by moving in with him, you have notified your siblings that, in fact, you are responsible.

I say, move out. Give to your father what you can and move on with your life.

I do understand. I, too, moved in and cared for my Mom and then it became WAY too difficult for me as I had a very demanding career at the time. When I did speak up to my siblings, it was unbelievably nasty because they simply did not want to be inconvenienced. Now my Mom is in assisted living and it is SO much better (and healthier).

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support