Guilt vs. anger

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My daughters and I have taken care of my parents, daily, for the last 4 years. Mom has AZ and dad is frail. Both live at home. My brother has been absent all this time. Dad did not even trust him to be in the house. After a brief hospitalization, my dad has changed his stance. Now, my brother is the perfect caregiver and my daughters and I are looked at as intruders. We are ignored if we come over and criticized for everything we had done in the past. Going there or calling them just leads to abusive treatment. I have not been there in a month. I plan on going there tomorrow because I feel guilty, but I want to confront my fathers behavior. I am so angry and hurt.

12 Comments

Perhaps ur father is now going through dementia / senility since he has turned like 180degrees in his viewpoint? Have you seen other signs of changes in his everyday behavior? Something he used to do faithfully but no longer?
His physical well being has changed, he injured his back and is being treated at a pain clinic. The 180 degree shift makes no sense at all. I do believe my brother played a major part in turning him - to his (my brother's) benefit. He has acquired power of attorney...etc
Due to your dad's back injury, was he put on new medication? This might explain a change in behavior. But the answer to your question more than likely lies in your last sentence above, you're brother is now POA. Somewhere along the line, it
sounds like brother swooped in and made amends. Some elders are very fickle, whoever is paying attention to them at the moment is now their buddy. My mother was like that. It is indeed hurtful when you've devoted so much care and they turn on you. Go see your dad, be prepared for the worse so you won't be blindsided and see what you can find out. This is so sad and I'm very sorry you have to go through it.
Makes sense as he is more than "fickle". My poor daughter, who has spent so much time and energy over the years caring for them, was there last night and everytime she tried to speak, dad increased the TV volume to drown her out. She is so hurt by all this BS. And I just keep getting more angry
whoareyou, I can't word my responses as I'd like at times because I'd offend people or get kicked off. Rest assured I was only being polite by saying "fickle".
I took care of my mother along with help from my adult son and daughter after my dad died. As her health went downhill so did her gratitude. No dementia, thank goodness. To fast forward, she wound up disowning all three of us, wrote us out of her will, gave our POA to my sister, and left her estate such a mess by making sister executor of her will that I'm now paying a lawyer to keep me from being sued. Angry doesn't begin to describe how I feel towards my mother.
I understand your concern for your daughter. This is no way for a grandfather to treat his loving granddaughter. It's no way for you to be treated either. It is beyond belief how elderly parents can turn on a dime. It gives new meaning to "biting the hand that feeds you". I can't offer you any advice only understanding as a fellow traveller down this hellish road.
Thank you. I appreciate your sharing and validating my feelings.
good luck mom :(
I went to see my folks today after caring for them for the last four years, was told by my father to "GET THE H OUT OF MY HOUSE AND NEVER COME BACK." I thought I was prepared for the worse, but that felt like a knife going into my gut.
Dear Whoareyou,
Based on your last exchange with your father, you have nothing to lose by asking your brother straight out what happened between the time he re-entered your dad's life and now. You may get a bunch of BS or you may get some valuable information.

I am concerned about the POA. Do you think your brother is trying to get his hands on your parents' money? Was your brother estranged from his parents and now they've reconciled? Maybe your father has given your brother a very distorted impression of what's been going on in the house.

Keep your cool if you decide to contact your brother or it will dissolve into a worse situation. Just stick to the facts.

Try to take comfort in the fact that you've been doing the loving, decent thing for 4 years. I'm sorry for you and your children.
My heart hurts for you. Four years ago I heard my mom tell me and my son "you're no longer needed in my life", a lot less severe than what your dad said to you, but it still devastated me. I'd like to say you'll get over it but I don't think you will. No matter what brought this on, it still hurts. It just crushes your soul.
Is this something you could ever have expected your dad to do?

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