Mom has passed, but it's still not over for me. It seems things have gotten worse.

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To all of you who know me, lefaucon, my Mom passed at hospice last week. The guilt and condemnation that I felt was overwhelming and I began to think that I caused Mom's Alzheimer's advanced step toward death. Every body told me not to go to Mom's beck and call when she would call me in the evening begging me to come over. Well, one of those nights, she was crying and pleading with me to come and see her because she thought that she was dying and didn't have long to live. I did not go and will have that regret, guilt and hearing in my mind her pleading voice-which kills me. Mom was right, she was dying and wasn't going to live that long. But I did not go with what my spirit was telling me to do but went with what other [non CG] said - that I must learn to detach from Mom because I must learn it when she passes. HOW WRONG THEY WERE. How could I listen to people who are not in our shoes? How stupid and dispassionate could I have been? How cold and unfeeling I was. I feel totally responsible for Mom's super rapid decline cause I caused her pain, loneliness, and fright by not being at her side when she wanted me to. It's killing me.
But I was blessed by holding her, body, praying for her, and telling her that Jesus is waiting for her and can you already see his radiant light calling to her? Then she took her last breath and I looked up to heaven praising God yet crying at the same time. She looked so beautiful it shocked every body. The absolute peace on her face was just like she was sleeping except her color was off. I will never stop thanking the Lord for blessing me with the most precious and blessed time when I held my Mom in my arms when the Lord took her spirit to heaven. It was soooo beautiful. Then the guilt and condemnation began. If only I had more compassion and empathy for her feelings her mind would not have gone over the edge. I feel like its all my fault for her passing so suddently. Had I been there for her when she was crying out to me, I do not think she would of declined so rapidly. It feels like now that Mom is gone its worse for me. What do I do now? Everything in this house reminds me of her and I feel lost and paralized and am isolating myself. Her serivce is one day after her bday, which I planned to spend the whole day with her. I would give anything if I could turn back the hands of time for it to be 25 november again.
I feel lost and more than sad and along with the guilt cause I think that I pushed her into death faster than she would of is killing me. I can still hear in my head her pleading and crying voice and I cannot get out of this almost catatonic state. I thought I would have Mom for another 4-5 years cause Daddy passed just this past May. I do not want to go on.I do not know what to do, I don't know where I'm going to live and support myself.'
Please help and council and advice? Especially to bookworm and jeannegibbs who have helped me greatly all this time and given me stellar advice?


lefaucon, this may sound a little harsh, especially at this time when you are feeling more than a little fragile, but I think you need to hear it.

You simply are not as powerful as you are giving yourself credit for. Your mother died of Alzeheimer's or its complications. She did not die from something you said or didn't say or something you didn't do. It is the nature of dementia to get worse. People with dementia decline at a rate determined by the disease. We can try to maintain their quality of life as long as they are living but we cannot determine how long that is. You did not push your mother into death faster than the disease did. You don't have that kind of power. The disease brought her to the end of her life. Even she sensed this. The disease was not your fault. Its progress was not your fault. The final decline was not your fault. You could not have stopped the progress of the disease no matter what you had done. You did what you thought was right at the time. Knowing what you know now you wish you had done things differently. That is understandable, and I can understand your deep regret. But you have nothing to feel guilty about. You did not cause your mother's disease or its progression or her death. Even if you had wanted to (and you certainly did not) you just don't have that kind of power.

My husband died Thursday (3 days ago). He was on hospice care but I don't think anyone, including the hospice staff, expected his death quite so soon. He died when it was his time to die. He died on the disease's schedule. It did not consult any of us. I thought I'd have a few more months or at least several more weeks with him. I was wrong. You thought you'd have another 4 or 5 years with your mother. You were wrong. We were both wrong but that doesn't mean we were responsible or that we caused the deaths to be earlier than we expected. To quote Shakespeare, "Death, a necessary end, will come when it will come."

Mourn your mother, certainly! But don't let irrational feelings of guilt get in the way of remembering the good things. Don't get so wound up in feelings about yourself that you lose sight of the center of this event. Make your mourning about your mother, and about your religious beliefs regarding death.

Love to you in this difficult time of loss.
Prayers for both jeannegibbs and lefaucon during this difficult time. Let your faith and happy memories wrap you in their love.
Hugs and prayers to you both for your losses.
lefaucon, jeanne said everything that I was going to say to you. I am so sorry that your mother is gone, but I know that you played no part in deciding when it was her time to cross over. I am glad you were there for her in the end. It means so much to hold their hand as they cross over. I believe the look on her face let you know how things were. She was at peace. She didn't blame you for anything, so please don't blame yourself. There was only so much you could do.
Reading what jeannegibbs and lefaucon said about expecting that you would've had more time --- exactly what I thought about my Mom who passed away on October 31st.

Even though Mom was on hospice and I saw the end coming, I was just not ready for it to happen. I moved back home to take care of my parents in 2008. In my mind, I was going to have several more years with her before any of us went anywhere.

Lefaucon, listen to jeannegibbs, she tells it like it is. Our Moms left this world because their bodies finally wore out. Your Mom knows you love her very much. It's so difficult to be a caregiver at times. Please don't beat yourself up because it sounds as though you went above and beyond for your Mom. It is obvious you are a very compassionate person.

I just needed to share because both of your posts really touched my heart. Jeanne, my condolences and prayers for you and your husband. I have always enjoyed and gotten a lot out of reading your posts.
Lefaucon, first I'm so sorry for your loss - your grief is so clear from your post. I haven't read all the replies yet so forgive if I'm repeating. You are going through the normal stages of grief - being angry at yourself, feeling guilt, the "if only I had done...." is actually a part of grieving itself. Doesn't make it any less searingly painful though, but maybe it can comfort you to know that how you feel is normal and is a stage you will pass through. Also realize we cannot know the mind of God. You feel guilty for your mother's swift decline, but consider how terrible and wrenching a slow decline can be....many of those stories are right here on this website too. For all we know, it was in God's plan for her to go swiftly - everything is not determined by your actions, every event that happens has a million pieces that contribute to it. Please let the burden come off your shoulders and give love and forgiveness to yourself.
Jeanne and Carol I'm sorry for your losses as well - I wish you peace.
Please don't feel guilty. Even though my grandmother is driving me crazy with her trying to make me available at her beck & call, I just can't do it. Too far away & not owning a car makes it difficult to see her. So, at the moment I try my best to help her financially (since it's easy to do online) and I make an effort to tell her I love her everytime we're on the phone. That day may come where she'll want me over but I can't make it...
Amen - anger, guilt, regret can very much be a part of grief. lefaucon you may want to read up on stages of grief
It will get worse for a while, and as you feel your feelings and work them through, it will get better. I think no one is ready for or expects a death to happen when it does. Please donlt torment yourself,, Cry, grieve, miss your mum and so on, but donplt get stuck in guit or anger -lest them pass. Accet that they are part of dealing with your loss. At three months feelings tends to intensify, also 6 months and particularly 9 months, 1 year etc holidays, birthday and so one (((((((hugs))))))
Mom's b day is tomorrow [4th] and her service is the 5th. So I will celebrate by buying her a bday card with a peice of cake with a candle on it by myself and sing to her...Oh ladies......I cannot thank you all enough for all of your wise and comforting counsel. You all told me the truth and how I should properly view the situation and not feel racked with guilt. I do feel better and always copy and paste wise words of comfort onto a Word document so that I can read them whenever I want to. I did not expect so many comforting posts from every body. jeannegibbs, I am sooooo sorry for your loss of your husband 4 days ago. For you to come onto this site and still help us is amazing. You are amazing. I haven't been on this site for one week because of grief, arrangements, and isolation, etc.....
I cannot thank all of you loving ladies enough for your care, compassion, and loving words. May God Bless you all in your trials and tribulations. And may the Lord Bless jeannegibbs with the loss your husband with strength, faith, courage, trust in Him, and enabling you to carry on. God bless all of you!!!!!!

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