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To all of you who know me, lefaucon, my Mom passed at hospice last week. The guilt and condemnation that I felt was overwhelming and I began to think that I caused Mom's Alzheimer's advanced step toward death. Every body told me not to go to Mom's beck and call when she would call me in the evening begging me to come over. Well, one of those nights, she was crying and pleading with me to come and see her because she thought that she was dying and didn't have long to live. I did not go and will have that regret, guilt and hearing in my mind her pleading voice-which kills me. Mom was right, she was dying and wasn't going to live that long. But I did not go with what my spirit was telling me to do but went with what other [non CG] said - that I must learn to detach from Mom because I must learn it when she passes. HOW WRONG THEY WERE. How could I listen to people who are not in our shoes? How stupid and dispassionate could I have been? How cold and unfeeling I was. I feel totally responsible for Mom's super rapid decline cause I caused her pain, loneliness, and fright by not being at her side when she wanted me to. It's killing me.
But I was blessed by holding her, body, praying for her, and telling her that Jesus is waiting for her and can you already see his radiant light calling to her? Then she took her last breath and I looked up to heaven praising God yet crying at the same time. She looked so beautiful it shocked every body. The absolute peace on her face was just like she was sleeping except her color was off. I will never stop thanking the Lord for blessing me with the most precious and blessed time when I held my Mom in my arms when the Lord took her spirit to heaven. It was soooo beautiful. Then the guilt and condemnation began. If only I had more compassion and empathy for her feelings her mind would not have gone over the edge. I feel like its all my fault for her passing so suddently. Had I been there for her when she was crying out to me, I do not think she would of declined so rapidly. It feels like now that Mom is gone its worse for me. What do I do now? Everything in this house reminds me of her and I feel lost and paralized and am isolating myself. Her serivce is one day after her bday, which I planned to spend the whole day with her. I would give anything if I could turn back the hands of time for it to be 25 november again.
I feel lost and more than sad and along with the guilt cause I think that I pushed her into death faster than she would of is killing me. I can still hear in my head her pleading and crying voice and I cannot get out of this almost catatonic state. I thought I would have Mom for another 4-5 years cause Daddy passed just this past May. I do not want to go on.I do not know what to do, I don't know where I'm going to live and support myself.'
Please help and council and advice? Especially to bookworm and jeannegibbs who have helped me greatly all this time and given me stellar advice?
Love,
lefaucon.

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Karsten,

No one, not NH staff, or even Hospice staff can pinpoint what moment our loved ones will pass away.

I agree, sometimes I wonder if loved ones wait until they are alone to pass.

I agree with Black Hole above. I too hope my loved ones are not with me when I pass.

I would not want them to experience some of the things I have witnessed during the death of a loved one.

I would not want my husband or kids last memory of me to be me passing. Peaceful or not.

Hospice does offer counseling for loved ones left behind. Locally it is called bereavement counseling. I do suggest you give that a try.

Second guessing your actions and suddenly not knowing what to do with one’s self after a death are normal but no need to struggle with it longer than necessary.

Contact Hospice and let their counselors try to help you come to grips with everything.
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Maybe our parents don’t really want their adult children to watch them die.

I’m not sure I’d want a loved one to watch me die.

The story of an elderly person peacefully passing away while the family holds her hand, massages her arm, etc — with no death rattles, no freakish surges, no cries of agony — has become iconic. 

Now let’s get real. Exits like that are the minority. The least likely scenario, to put it mildly.

Just thinking out loud.
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I have been delving deep into the AgingCare archives in an attempt to help alleviate my grief and guilt over my dads passing last week and stumbled across this one. Some of the same names including JeanneGibbs. What everyone has been telling me makes sense, i.e the grief is natural, and it will be hard, but there is no reason to feel guilt. Yet feeling terrible I was not there for his last moments. I don't know if he would have been aware or not but I would give anything to go back and be holding his hand, even if that was the only sense he was not alone. What kicked the latest round off I was at Home Depot last night to return something. I noted the time and date was about 6:30, about four hours before my dad had passed. I was fairly close to the NH and it did cross my mind. My dad was struggling with breathing earlier in the day but the staff thought he was stabilized for now. So having been there earlier for hours, I just thought I had to go home. Had I gone there I would have been there when he began a slide. (The nurses said he began a slide around 7, still don't know why they didn't call me then. Their only answer was that they didn't think it was that bad) Had I gone there I would have been there for it, seen he was perhaps nearing the end, and could have been there. Instead I went home. I understand the hospice my dad had offers grief counseling for thirteen months after the event. Why thirteen? Anyway, will call them tomorrow . I think I am suffering more than rest of my family as they all have their own families to be with, and I am alone. The last few months my FT job in a sense was to be taking care of my dad, (not at home, but still driving my mom there, being there, etc) Now I feel like even that purpose is gone. Every Sunday afternoon for months I have gone to be with him, now I cannot even do that.
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My mother died February third 2018 at home with hospice. It's very fresh and I feel lost and guilty. I helped her and her husband at home but I know now not enough. We did not see the signs of cancer because she had dementia as well. I rationally know my mom is at peace now and has no pain, and that she loves all of us children with her whole heart. I just wish that I had done more. I guess I feel sad because of the life she had it was hard. I wish I had let myself give more to her while she was alive. I feel very empty now. I'm doing everything I can to honor her now. I know it just takes time. Reading these other posts makes me realize I'm not alone and thank you.
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helen, I am so sorry. I know it is hard to see now, but it is not your fault. We do what we can, but we can't live life for two people all of the time. Accidents do happen and no one is to blame. Your mother probably had a lot more good time here on earth because you were with her. I hope that soon you will be able to forgive yourself for needing to sleep that evening. I doubt that your mother blames you. ((((Hugs))))
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I too lost my Mom on March 20, 2017, I was her caregiver. I feel very responsible for her death, she had dimencia. During the night, she would get out of bed and go to the bathroom on her own, many times I would get up and make sure she was OK and give her the walker so she would not fall. This one particular evening I did not, I was so tired, hardly slept at nights because that was the worse time for mom, and my throat was hurting. Well, Mom fell and broke her hip and died in one week. If I just would of gotten up again that evening she still would of been alive, cannot get over the pain that I let her down and she died because of it.
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I can't tell all of you how helpful and hopeful this thread of messages is to me. I lost my mom 8 months ago and with Mother's Day tomorrow, I am again a guilt ridden, sad mess. Mom and I were very close, very co-dependent but loved each other so so much. She started declining in 2015 and I now suspect she was hiding her dementia for years. I became so worried about her that I left the Bay Area and my apartment, job, etc., and moved in with her. Even though I did a lot for her and hired caregivers and took her to a day program, I felt tremendous guilt and frustration, resentment and sadness. I yelled as well and was not as kind as I needed to be. She was always sweet to me, even in her dementia. She was still sweet and loving towards me. She hallucinated and stayed up very late sometimes, she developed pneumonia and was deteriorating. I beat myself up for not spending more time with her, even if was just to hold her hand or lay in bed with her. She was scared and I wish I could've been a greater support to her emotionally, but was a wreck myself. I feel very selfish and suffer that I was not kinder to her more often. I believe that is all she really wanted. She had no one in her life that was very kind to her, yet she was there for all. I miss my mom so much every day and hope to have the willingness to forgive myself, as she would've wanted me to. We loved each other greatly and it helps so much to know that other caregivers out there have the same issues. It is interesting that I too have a brother who did absolutely nothing, yet he seems to go on just fine. I think the ones who care the most are the ones who feel the most regret and negative feelings too. We have to remember that at least we were there in some capacity. We are all doing the best we can. God bless you all and thank you.
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My mom died two years ago and I am still feeling very guilty for being a bad teenager and a bad caretaker. I WAS a terrible teen, no doubt, but I eas not all that bad a caregiver. I just had two siblings who didn't like my choices but also DIDN'T wish to help. My parents are both gone. My siblings hate me, and have left too. I am alone except loving spouse. Spouse can not understand bond my mother and I had. So guilt ridden with feeling that I couldn't get all moms wishes done. Ie: to not go to nursing home. To never yell at her. My mom never cried her whole life until I started caring for her.
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Dear Phyllis and Silvfoster,

I'm so sorry for your loss. My deepest condolences and sympathies on the passing of your beloved moms.

Its so hard to accept death no matter what age we lose our parents. I know you both did the best you could caring for your moms. Its so hard to see our parents age and witness their decline. We always wished we could have done more, I know I do.

Thinking of you both. Sending you love and hugs.
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So sorry you went and maybe still are feeling so bad tho i see thats a 4 yr old blog. I am going through similar torment of guilt bcz I wasn't with my 99 yr old mom the Saturday or the first half day wth her before she fell into a comatose kind of sleep half hr after I got there to Rehab Nursing home. I know they dehydrated her neglecting to give enough water or juice nor checked for new uti which killed her. I can go on about wishing i had known why her dementia was worse then i wouldve pushed them to get doctor for UV & meds for it. She was sooo loving! Yes 99 but was getting strong & coming home soon! Wish i had her here til her 100 birthday Mar 26 2017 which we thought was to be. Shes with God. Love u mom
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Just lost my mom January 2,2017. She was 92 years old and suffered with Alzheimer's for 4 years. I was her caregiver. I begin mourning her years ago, but watching her die was harsh. She fell, hurt her knee and became totally dependent. We bathed her fed her changed her diaper. Within days she went downhill she was eating very little but would drink some with little to no urination. Finally the death rattle started. The next day my husband and I held her hands as we saw her off to reunite with my father in heaven. Now I have to face the viewing and funeral. Don't know how I'm going to get through it. But I have faith that she is finally free of the dreaded disease that ate away at her. God speed mom
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Nursebarb, I read your comments and I completely understand how you feel, as I have had a very similar situation with my mom. I loved my mom dearly, I was very close to her all my life and she passed away peacefully at home with me a few days before Christmas, where she would have been 87. She had been diagnosed with vascular dementia in 2010 and I lived with her for the last 3 years, taking care of her 24/7. I cooked, gave her a shower every day and I always walked with her, as she needed someone to bring her to the bathroom or to the living room. That meant also waking up in the middle of the night to take care of her when she called for something. The most difficult part for me during the last year was when sometimes she kept her food in her mouth and would not swallow...It was the same with liquids. And taking her pills in the evening was a challenge as well, as she would sometimes spit them out... It really frustrated me, as I took all my time to take care of her, to do the groceries and always cooked good meals for her, so that she could be healthy and be well. Obviously with the stress and loss of patience, I too had to raise my voice and sometimes snap at her and be forceful so that she could eat or take her medications. I regret those moments as well and it will haunt me for the rest of my life. But you know what, a few weeks before she passed way, I had brought her to the bathroom and with great lucidity she suddenly told me out of the blue how much she appreciated all what I was doing for her and that she knew it was not always easy to cope with this. I can not tell you how much I cherish these comments and this moment when she said this. I wish I could have video recorded it! I told her it was normal that I did this for her, as I loved her dearly. Thinking about this conversation with her helps me a bit with my grief and sorrow. So there were some good days and difficult ones... Of course, when the person we love dearly is gone, we always have remorse and think how we should have done this or that instead. I can only tell you that I tried to do my best for my mom, despite my flaws and that I would do it again in a heartbeat if she was here today
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nursebarb...my mom died on Dec 20, quietly at home with only me there with her. She was 93, had Parkinson's, and I was her caregiver for 8 years, the last 4.5 on a 24/7 basis. You know what? I yelled too...on more than one occasion...why? because the stress/frustration of taking care of her when she wouldn't cooperate/listen/do what she needed to wore me out. Am I proud of myself or giving myself an excuse? No. It was just a reaction that I tried to control but it would get the best of me from time to time. The things you describe that set you off were exactly what I had to deal with and I'd promise myself over and over that the next time she was being difficult? I was going to keep my cool, not raise my voice, and handle it 'better'...did I follow thru? Sometimes, but not always. She'd even tell me not to yell/raise my voice and I'd come back with a comment about how I wouldn't if she'd just do what I needed her to do...and round and round we went. I did, as you have done, all that I could to help her...did we do a perfect job? No, because that's impossible. We we 'abusive'? No, because we meant no harm to our moms and the hours, days, months, and years that we spent taking care of their every need proves that. Neither of us change what we said or did while we were caregivers...but we can be proud of the fact that what we did for our moms is something that not everyone can/does do and even the yelling was because we wanted to help them, even if it came out wrong at the time. Please don't beat yourself up...you're not a superhuman or a saint....but you are a loving daughter that did her best for her mom in a very difficult situation.
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I burried my mother yesterday and this grief if over whelming. Today is her birthday but she passed away December 31st, her funeral was yesterday. She had had alzheimers for 9 years and she lived with me and I took care of her, but I yelled at her on occasion and I wish I could turn back the clock and could do it right but I will never get that chance and I hope God forgives me. When she would take her pajamas and depends off during the night and then get back into bed and wet the bed I would yell. If any of you are taking care of your mother I want to please tell you if you are yelling to please stop, I know sometimes the burden taking care of them is so over whelming its hard especially when they are trying to get out of the house to go home and you are trying to protect them and your yelling but the worst part is the way you feel and the empty and the gulity after their gone. I loved her so much and I had her with me every minute of every day,no help just me but I just wish i had never yelled at her because she was sick with this horrible mental condition called alzheimers which she couldnt help. The day she died I stopped in a little grocery store to get us something to drink and she didnt want to go in so I locked the car which she would always stay in the car with no problems for 5 minutes and this day I was there about 3 or 4 minutes and when I came back out to the car her head was leaning toward the left side and her tongue was hanging out of the left side of her mouth and I screamed Mom and no response, I felt her pulse and there was a pulse but I couldnt get her aroused so I decided at that point I was so close to Central Baptist Hospital and I could get there faster than the rescue squad could get to me and just before I turned into Cenrtal Baptist I heard her last breath and I beat on the ER door and security opened it and I yelled no pulse and they all came running out and did CPR and got a pulse then they lost the pulse and was unable to revive her after that. I dont know what Im going to do without her but shes better off at least shes not getting yelled at no more and I deserve everything God wants to throw at me but the yelling was most certainly not every day and I never hit her and would never in my life but when you are trying to get her to eat and she doestnt want to or when your trying to change her and she doesnt want to and when she has a doctors appointment and she doesnt want to go the only way I could get her to was to yell and this was so wrong and I feel so guilty about her in life and in death, but I love her so much. Please tell me if anyone is going through this now and if anyone has every yelled at their mother with alzheimers and how they are able to cope with this. I am so sorry Mom and I love you so much and I wish I had the chance to do it right again.
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I realised it was an old post but the last comment was October 2014 ! This forum gave me the opportunity to express how my mums passing had effected me. It was the first time I had put into words how I was feeling as I still don't tell my hubby or his family how I felt. And yes I do sometimes get upset but each day is easier and now I have somewhere I have been listened to has really helped . Thank you all x
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this is an old post but an interesting one . my mom has been gone for well over a year and im just now letting the guilt go about little things i could have done to make her life better . what fixed it for me was imagining if mom were here today shed be the first to come to my defense and tell me that i did my best , mistakes and all . our parents arent stupid by any means . they can see that we struggle just as they are .
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lefaucon thank you x your first response has put my mind at ease, it seems "planned" how some people choose to pas away , my mum passed at 2.30am on April 23rd 2011 while it was quite and nobody around x family wise x my mum had pancreatic cancer but I am grateful that she passed peacefully and with dignitey , she was up till the day before still having a shower on her own sitting on a stool, me "spying" on her and walking around x she was in pain but not on a morphine drip just liquid when she felt she needed it. She was a very strong willed lady, and would have hated been bed bound in pain x we- hubby & I canceled our holidays as I had had a hysterectomy November 2010 and not very good so mum had a few months of me living with her taking care of each other. I told myself it was a job that I was doing looking after her , it was my way of trying to come to terms but not really I think I was not thinking she was going to actually dye. We at the time ran a coach company in Ireland so hubby had to go back to work. I was at my mother in laws at the time I got the phone call to say come to the hospital by the time we arrived she had passed so my guess is she didn't want me to see her suffer as her blood pressure failed x so I saw her at peace which was probably how she wanted it, it was always on her terms !! Even at the end x
Time has healed a lot but I now have only my husbands family as mum was the last link of my family x but it was only after reading lefaucon post that I do now think I have come to terms in my mind that I didn't fail mum it was the disease that did it. But now I am on a very new and interesting path of spirituality and I do feel mum and co and my angels around as I offer angelic reiki healing .
Thank you lefaucon xx
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lefaucon,

Don't live a life of regret, feeling you could have done more or been a better caregiver.
Just being a caregiver to your Mom puts you in a very rare group of people.
I feel what you're going through, and I'm sorry for your loss.
The law of compensation never fails; you will find yourself blessed for your good deeds in the near future.
I was a caregiver to my Mom for 14 years, and have dedicated a blog about my experience here: caregivingandliving/main
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Sunigal, surround yourself with supportive people for this first birthday. It will be hard. Those first milestones and anniversaries of a death are hard enough when they sneak up on you, and you see this one coming like an oncoming train. But, WHAT "signs"? She was not feeling real well, but I'm sure it wasn't the first time. She went into a deep sleep, you felt a knot in your stomach about it but it had no discernible basis in reality, and if you probably thought it was a false worry or an overreaction. How could you have known? You may think you somehow should have know, but I don't see how, exactly. If anyone ought to feel any guilt it would be her physician(s) for overprescribing if in fact that's the case. Not At All Your Fault. I am glad you debriefed a little with us, and it would not be at all wrong to seek some grief counseling and talk about it even more.

You are feeling it more than your siblings, I'll bet because you were the caregiver and you were there for it - I hope they do not in any way hold it against you - I would bet they don't, and might even be shocked that you do, and at some point, even if you had any realistic reason to feel you failed in some way, you'd need to find forgiveness for yourself. I have a very strong sense that you did your best.
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I was my mom's caregiver, but she was not sick, at 60 it seemed she had plenty of time left, just needing help w/chores and simple things. But, some days she needed more. Pain pills and psych meds is a bad mix, but I wasn't realizing how bad. The day my mom died, I was barely 3 ft away from her, I saw, earlier that she was having some issues, but I didn't think much of it at the time. She finally went to sleep, but it was different. I felt a pain in my stomach, but I continued to think everything was ok, knowing it really wasn't . I was thinking she was sleep , but she had died in her sleep. I feel so stupid now. I've had training as a caregiver, I knew the signs. Why did I not call for help sooner? I don't even know. Now I feel so lost without her. All my younger siblings have resumed their lives and I am still feeling pain, alone, guilt, confusion and anger at myself. If I had called for help sooner, she would still be here. It has been nearly 8mths. I can't imagine what a yr or 2yrs will feel like. I've never felt this much pain before or this much guilt. Her birthday is Oct. 14th. The family wants to celebrate and I want to crawl up on the couch and stay there.
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Some people trust a god, some nature, others nothing at all. We all have to draw comfort from where we can. Personally, I strongly believe that we *all* choose our time and method of death (even the more harsh ways) .. I believe in Karma and the evolution of life. I do my best on a day to day basis, considering others' feelings, while taking care of myself so that I'm ABLE to care about others. It's not in me to be a selfless person .. I suspect most of us aren't, at heart. So, to those who haven't yet met these losses .. first, love yourself enough to know your limits, take care of yourself well enough that what you have to give is given freely and without regret, and just DO YOUR BEST. We'll still experience loss and pain, along with their inevitable co-feelings, but in the end, we'll know it's just how it is. It's life at its best and worst. It's just life.

Blessings to all,
LadeeC
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Lefaucon - Today is a year and a half since my beautiful Mom died at 93. You supported me in the first few months after she passed in May last year, and I understand your feelings so well. Mom and I lived together always and I kept working even though she had fallen several times and she had dementia. I came home at lunch everyday and was here in the morning and all night, but I have blamed myself for not being here the last three years thinking the same as you that her dementia worsened because I wasn't interacting with her during the day and so regretting all the extra time we could have spent together. We shopped on weekends and even went on a cruise the year before she passed, but I missed the UTI that turned septic at the end and didn't stay home with her the last day she said she wished I didn't have to go to work. A few hours sooner to the hospital and the story might have been different, so I blame myself for that as well. She was in the hospital for six days and I was with her when she passed. For sure, you and I both loved our mothers with all our hearts and they loved us -- hold onto that, because that's what truly matters. Chimsu
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But southlover....YOU WERE THERE for him.
You were willing to care for him when he wasn't himself and you weren't yourself and when it was more than you could bear.

Regret is impossible to avoid in these situations, I am certain. Most any death brings regrets for those left behind. But it is the good things, the joys, the happiness shared...the together times that were good that are what should be dwelt upon and not the negative inevitable events that come at the end of life or a terminal illness.

I wish I had magic instant advice. I have none. Just hang in there and do your best to willfully re-direct your thoughts from feelings of remorse and regret to remembering the good instead...AS SOON AS they pop up in your mind. It takes diligence and practice but it becomes easier and easier and it is the only thing that I know to do, myself, when the same things come upon me.
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My dad passed Apr 2..I've been reading these posts-- I am dealing with tremendous guilt. Liver failure and Lewy Body had made my dad have a different personality for the majority of these last 3 years that I cared for him. He had become constant critical of me, paranoid and in general demanding and impossible to please- That was NOT my dad's normal personality. Even though I knew he was sick, it made it hard not to react sometimes to the negativity. I was stressed, having been the sole caregiver of my dad for almost 3 years. I gave up my apt, a job I loved, friends etc to care for him. I did not get anyone to help(which I should have). As a result, I was frazzled and bitter, especially in the last year or so. Sometimes I would yell, snap and say mean things and sometimes accuse him of "faking" things-- With Lewy Body, symptoms would come and go, making it seem that he had control of it, but I realize he did not.. I was an emotional wreck. In March my dad went into to Home Hospice care- the doctors at the hospital did not agree- one thought he was ready, one did not. The only thing I knew for sure is that my dad did NOT want to ever be in a nursing home. It was to a point that he was needing to be helped to the bathroom and to walk etc. I was having a harder and harder time tackling that task. I thought that Hospice would simply mean he could do without invasive tests and difficult hospital visits that had become more frequent. I did not realize that he would decline so rapidly after entering Hospice home care. I have no complaints with the Hospice people per se. I'm just not sure, in retrospect, that it was time for my dad. The three weeks watching him decline in Hospice were a torment for me. Because of his mental condition, it was me making the decision--not like some people who have terminal illnesses and make the decision themselves. At one point he wanted to know why no one was taking him to the hospital-- it broke my heart. I don't know if he knew he was dying. Point is, whether he was or not, he definately was once he was in Hospice care. I know they technically say they don't "hasten" death.. but when you are sitting there with someone and you know that an IV in the arm would give them fluids that they can't swallow.. you start to question everything. bottom line..right now I cry constantly. I want my dad back. He deserved better than me. I lost my patience so many times. Several weeks before he died, I was awaken at 4 am-- I was exhausted, as usual, he wanted soup.. I said " it's 4am!". Why didn't I just make him the soup? Why did I put him in Home Hospice when I did? This past 2 years, every now and then a small part of my dad's "true" personality would come through-- he would smile-- and joke with me -- or say he loved me--- that is all I can think of now-- those times, and how many times I spoke to him with tension or sarcasim. I suppose it will get better, I just feel so bad...so disappointed in myself. So regretful that I didn't treat my dad better these past 2 years. Yes, I was stressed, I was tired etc--- but that's not excuse-- and my spent these past two years truly thinking that I was stealing from him(his paranoia) and that I treated him "like a dog"(I couldn't do anything right)--even if it was his illness-- if that's what he thought, isn't that his reality? I don't know. This is tearing me apart.
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I would guess things seem worse this week because you just got through your first Mother's Day without mom. Her hospice will likely have a support group - my suggestion is join it! Even if more people in it have lost spouses than parents, GO!! You may or may not have made the right decision at any given moment, but you were in there trying and you were at her side at the end. Having no regrets would be great - wish I could say that myself - but peace comes anyways if we get enough help from God and our friends. It comes in fits and starts - a lot like grief - and reawakenings at anniversaries and various events are extremely normal. You might not want to put all the pictures away, maybe just a few...be good to yourself and maybe find a concrete way to honor mom's memory, something unique that she loved or cared about, maybe.

"But I was blessed by holding her, body, praying for her, and telling her that Jesus is waiting for her and can you already see his radiant light calling to her? Then she took her last breath and I looked up to heaven praising God yet crying at the same time."
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I know your guilt, and I live with your regret. The biggest mistake I too made was nt appreciating either one of my parents when they were alive. I was immature, selfish, self absorbed, and inconsiderate. I was very angry at my parents for not holding their marriage together, which led to our family falling apart. I was mostly angry at my mother. She would call me often, and ask me to come visit her. I would torment her, and punish her for not being a better wife to my dad. The last thing is I said to my mother wasn't "I love you, mom" it was " I HATE you, f*&^%g bitch" and I hung up the phone. The next call I received was from the hospital telling me my mother got up in the middle of the night to use the restroom, and dropped dead from a heart attack. I was numb. I couldn't process the words. My mother was only 56 years old, and I have lived with the cruel, and despicable way I treated her everyday for almost 15 years now. I fell into drug and alcohol problems. My behavior was nothing less than self destructive after that happened. I was not only shameful but, I hated myself, and who I was. It took a longtime, and alot of soul searching, growing up, and giving to come to terms with how I treated the person who did nothing but love me and give me life. Someone asked me once what I thought my mother would say to me if she could talk to me. I told them that she would've wanted me to forgive myself, because she did as soon as I said the words. I told them that she was the most loving and forgiving person I had known, and I wasn't fit to tie her shoes. I told them that she would want me to learn how to love myself. I believe all of that, and it has taken a very long time to come to terms with what I did, and own my own behavior. Life is about choices, and I just didnt know what the right choices were. It's not an excuse, it's a learning process for me. And, if I can leave this life knowing that I am wiser, a better person than I used to be, and have learned something important about humanity, than ok with that. Don't beat yourself up for too long. It's not what your mom would want you to do. God bless you.
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Dear Bookworm,
Thank you dear one for your loving concern for me. Right now I am at peace with my health condition. I get my full body CT or MRI scan 27 march and more specific blood tests then too and then we will find out if I get bad news or not. I've finally told bro and sis about it along with my friends from church. I've invited them to my house for lunch after I get all of the results cause I kind of have my own thoughts of treatment or no treatment and need Godly advice and council other than my own. I trust the Lord and want His will for me no matter what; even if its horrible news. You do know what I am talking about don;t you? I don't remember if I told you but I know that I've written to others on this site about it. If u do not know, please tell me and I will explain it to you.
Love your Mom and Dad as long as they are alive and do all that you can for them no matter how hard or silly their requests are. I speak from experience here after losing both parents within 6 months of each other. I suffer from great guilt, regret, should of's, could of's, would of's and its killers and I do not want you to suffer what I suffer from. They love you intenstly even though they may not show it the way we expect them too. I know that you love them intensely too and please let them know it as I already know that you have done so. Tell them that you love them at all times with kisses and hugs and touch.
Please write to me as much as you are able. I need to hear from all of you, especially you and jeannegibbs--the two of you have helped me and written to me the most and have helped me all through what I've been through with mom and dad before they passed and what I am going thru now with my health problem.
Please write please?
Love you,
lefaucon
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Hi Lefaucon, this is a quick stop to say hi and ask how you're doing? I'm doing fine. Still trying to figure out what to do with mom,doc and decisions. I just wanted to drop by and see what's up with you. I'm glad that you're beginning to accept that you did the best for your parents. I think we all think we could have done more. Later, okay? Getting sleepy and still need to do the parents.
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lefaucon I am feeling terribly sad and quite emotional for you about your Mom's last days and how you feel.
To all of you who have had a loss as well.
I am dreading the day I will have to let go of my Mother! I always had a strong bond with her, but it was always more emotional and not in a hugs and kisses, physically affectionate way. What I have been learning about us, with her Dementia is... that there is a communication between us that is very deep in our hearts.
It seems to me your Mother knew she was going to move on and wanted you with her before she could go. Like she was trying to tell you, I'm not leaving until you are here with me, then I shall go on in peace. I feel I must say to you, that you may have had a feeling, deep inside of you, that if you went to her when she asked, it would be to let her go.
I always know when my Mom is distressed or not feeling well, in my heart, I just get a mentally stressed feeling "MOM needs ME feeling!"
.... I just know this somehow!
I also want to tell you that I had a wonderful Mother in Law. The day of her wake there was a Husband and Wife who had passed on during the same 24 hour period.
There was something quite remarkable about the couple and the same day of passing on....
they were not sharing a residence at the time, they were separated due to their individual care needed. I remember this clearly because the family felt blessed because the couple was unhappy and in distress about being apart. The family and friends believed that one of them wouldn't pass on without the other.
I had not thought about this since that day until now. Your Dad may have come for your Mom, saying to her your going to Love it here. She just needed you there so she could go to him in peace.
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I am truly sorry for the losses of leafucon, Jeannegibbs. I lost my Dad this past Feb 19th, his mind and body were worn out, he was tired and he deserved to rest in peace as he did not live his last 3 years in peace. Leafucon, you cannot hold yourself prisoner to guilt for what you have no control over. You were there and you were blessed to be there in the end. I hope that you will be able to forgive yourself and live knowing that you did your best.
My hard times are now with my Mom, her dementia yet knowing that the love of her life (67 yrs) has passed. In her clarity, she said she feels like someone had broken into her home and stole the love of her life. I feel guilty that I cannot be with her or visit her everyday, I am tired and I have to take care of myself, my family, my job but I cannot do or be everything to everyone all the time.
Again, my heart goes out to you and those who have lost a loved one.
I chose to celebrate my Dad's 97 years of Life, I miss him but I know he is at peace...Mom is not.
Please take care of yourself.
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