Mom has passed, but it's still not over for me. It seems things have gotten worse.
To all of you who know me, lefaucon, my Mom passed at hospice last week. The guilt and condemnation that I felt was overwhelming and I began to think that I caused Mom's Alzheimer's advanced step toward death. Every body told me not to go to Mom's beck and call when she would call me in the evening begging me to come over. Well, one of those nights, she was crying and pleading with me to come and see her because she thought that she was dying and didn't have long to live. I did not go and will have that regret, guilt and hearing in my mind her pleading voice-which kills me. Mom was right, she was dying and wasn't going to live that long. But I did not go with what my spirit was telling me to do but went with what other [non CG] said - that I must learn to detach from Mom because I must learn it when she passes. HOW WRONG THEY WERE. How could I listen to people who are not in our shoes? How stupid and dispassionate could I have been? How cold and unfeeling I was. I feel totally responsible for Mom's super rapid decline cause I caused her pain, loneliness, and fright by not being at her side when she wanted me to. It's killing me.
But I was blessed by holding her, body, praying for her, and telling her that Jesus is waiting for her and can you already see his radiant light calling to her? Then she took her last breath and I looked up to heaven praising God yet crying at the same time. She looked so beautiful it shocked every body. The absolute peace on her face was just like she was sleeping except her color was off. I will never stop thanking the Lord for blessing me with the most precious and blessed time when I held my Mom in my arms when the Lord took her spirit to heaven. It was soooo beautiful. Then the guilt and condemnation began. If only I had more compassion and empathy for her feelings her mind would not have gone over the edge. I feel like its all my fault for her passing so suddently. Had I been there for her when she was crying out to me, I do not think she would of declined so rapidly. It feels like now that Mom is gone its worse for me. What do I do now? Everything in this house reminds me of her and I feel lost and paralized and am isolating myself. Her serivce is one day after her bday, which I planned to spend the whole day with her. I would give anything if I could turn back the hands of time for it to be 25 november again.
I feel lost and more than sad and along with the guilt cause I think that I pushed her into death faster than she would of is killing me. I can still hear in my head her pleading and crying voice and I cannot get out of this almost catatonic state. I thought I would have Mom for another 4-5 years cause Daddy passed just this past May. I do not want to go on.I do not know what to do, I don't know where I'm going to live and support myself.'
Please help and council and advice? Especially to bookworm and jeannegibbs who have helped me greatly all this time and given me stellar advice?