I feel so much guilt for even joining a group regarding my feelings. I feel as if my life is over. I'm not suicidal, but have given up on any hope.
Please don't get angry with me if i am annoying. i feel that it is time to vent. I am 46 yrs old. my husband and i have lived in my mother's home for 7yrs. i have 2 grown children and 1 grandson. 4 older siblings. my mother is 84. she does not have dementia, but her personality has understandably changed. she can't be left alone, per doctors orders. she has chf. passing out episodes. My siblings do not offer any moral support. one of my sister's is her payee. this takes some stress off of me. i have no friends left. i can't work anymore. my husband snd i have no relationship left at all. i know my health isn't the greatest. every minute of my time is expected to be devoted to my mom. i love her. that is not an issue. but, i have nothing left. my mind is blank. i barely feel like shpwering anymore. i know most advice says to reach out to siblings. that would be pointless. when i have even hinted, they always say that mom feels most comfortable with me. so it is best this way. my whole day, every day, consists of caring for mom. checking b/p, sugar levels. showering, making meals. no, there is no help from the state. we have applied. apparently she gets too much in ss. we share the bills hete. money is too tight to hire anyone to help. i am worried. i have went from being an educated, working, friendly extrovert to someone who is afraid to lock eyes with anyone in the grocery store. from a sometime smoker to a chain smoket. from being chubby to obese. i have no interest left in anything. i fake it for my kuds and grandkids sake. i am not blaming anyone. nor do i want my mom to pass. i just need help. or at the very least, i need my family to recognize this. all of my siblings are older than me. everyone of them work, have good marriages, spend much time with their families. i can barely have a convetsation with my kids without having to jump up and do something for mom. here comes more self pity. Sounds like high school jealousy, i know. my sister that is 6 yrs older than me. the one closest in age, has suddenly become best friends with all of my old friends. this was a circle of about 10 very close friends that i had for close tp 30 yrs. It sounds crazy, but i feel as if it was almost done on purpose! i have gradually lost contact with them, for obvious reasons. no time for sociallizibg. she sure does! She also has her own circle of great friends. i don't know why she would insinuate herself in my life like this. she even seems to delught in rubbing it in my face. i have so much resentment toward my siblings that i can barely be civil on the rare event they visit mom. enough of that. well, i just need advice on how tp keep my sanity. my mom needs me. i fantasize about moving out. working again. doing my hair and makeup. visiting my kids at their hpmes. taking my grandson places. not going to happen. This is my reality. i feel tremendoys guilt for feeling this way. i can't confide in my old friends anymore. as i said, they are closer to my sister now. i can't trust them to not tell her if i vent to them. sounds like I'm on a self pity trip. I'm not. i know that i gave to assume some responsibility for getting to this place in my life.