Follow
Share

I leave for my Mom and Dad's house tomorrow for a few days to give Dad a break and to take my Mom to her neurology appointment. So glad I finally get to meet one of her doctors and maybe get some answers! BUT- as the time draws nearer to leave I find myself becoming uglier and uglier, and stupider and stupider. yes, I know that is not a word- see what I mean.

I know it is the voice I grew up with. It is the voice of my parents. My hands are just shaking for fear of doing this trip. I am not at my best. And my sister cannot come now. She was going to be there too. and We have had a super long month with my girl and we are going through some worries with her health and so my mental health is not great. My OCD is kinda high and I just feel vulnerable to those old haunts from childhood.

When I am strong, when I do not have extra worries I can tell that self doubt to f**k off but now .... I just looked in the mirror and saw a monster,. Just saw a really ugly, stupid girl.

I have to leave tomorrow morning. I have been waiting and waiting to get into a doctor appointment with my Mom and now I am going to eff it up.

How do I get through this??? What if I fail? What if I lose it on my Mom? What if I have a panic attack?

I do not want to go. I do not want to go . I do not want to go. I am going... to vomit.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Find Care & Housing
You know sharynmarie- my husband was just saying he was running out of his undies-- and we did not know what to do! ( I do not want to go to the laundry mat!) - THE SHOWER! of course--hang 'em up in there!! (we also live in a small cul de sac and I do not want my neighbors to see our underwear).

Soooo- I talked with my Dad and it was a good talk. At first he gave me the "same old same old" line but when I pressed him he said that the neurologist did say that he told my them that as Mom had a stroke in her brain stem it exacerbates the whole aging process. I guess as we age we lose skills naturally but with a brain stem stroke (versus even, any other kind) as all the thinking goes through the stem it makes the loss of skills all the more rapid and obvious.
I think just looking at her and seeing her decline I could have told them that but I think they did not actually have it spelled out for them. I am pretty sure it has made my Mom depressed as she did not talk to me on the phone hardly at all and usually she tries to (maybe she is mad at me?--- for not making it up.) the only time I talked with her was when my Dad made her get on so I could tell her that my birthday was NOT in June and my anniversary was not in June either.
I guess she woke up at 6:30 AM - right out of the gate- obsessing that they would not have cards out in time for my b-day and anniversary. She gets these things stuck in her head and will not let it go. I told her when they were and she seemed upset that she was wrong--(sigh) I think she hates when she makes these mistakes.
Personally I think she woke up anxious about my b-day and anniversary because she is upset about the doctor appointment and she cannot do anything about that so she found something to worry about that she could control --- and now I took that from her. IT IS ALL SO CONFUSING!

My dad was really nice today ,though. AND the car if fixed!!! Husband called and said the Valvoline people fessed up that they screwed something up and it took them , like, 5minutes to fix it!!! ARG! If they had been open on Monday I could have gone on up. At least it did not cost us any money.
Dad is now planning a week long trip to Vegas and I will get my Mom to stay here. End of the month. So I feel better. Sister is going up to stay in 2 weeks for the weekend so that will help, too.

Welp- gotta go hang up some gotchies. (Polish for underwear)

Maybe I should just start my own blog- I think I post too long on here. SORRY!
(0)
Report

I laughed when I read hanging your undies outside to dry...it reminds me of my mom who is living in AL (she has Alzheimer's) She will wash her undies in the shower and hang them up to dry, LOL!!! I find it so funny because she has plenty of clothes to change and I do her laundry twice a week but yet she still washes her undies in the shower.
(0)
Report

Holy cow - that is a long post !
(0)
Report

Thanks guys. Really appreciate the support. (((((hugs)))))

JessieBelle-Would you believe that , right now-no kidding - our dishwasher broke 2 nights ago, our dryer a week ago- our pool pump is leaking badly (tried to open the pool this last weekend -swimming it the one exercise my girl loves and is pretty darn good at ), the Escape SUV starting leaking gas (which we were ignoring as I hardly go anywhere) and now our one "good car" is going CLUNK CLUNK CLUNK. Last night out TV picture went crazy and my husband just burst out laughing- he said it was just comical now. TV is fine , though -- picture came back on (darn thing is almost 20 years old- a big old bulky thing -- THAT could break-- that would not be so bad -;0) I try to look for the messages in things like this (from God- I know - a little crazy - a little OCD but ... ) and all I can think is that God wants me to -what?- wash dishes by hand and hang my undies outside? At least it is not winter. Maybe He does not want me to have "idle hands" ;)

ChristinaW- thanks for your kind words! I know what you mean about faking it til you make it. That is an AA slogan, I think. When I was a teenager I worked at a kiosk in the mall selling fiber optic lights (remember those- those plastic encased glowing "flowers"-hee hee- so tacky) and there was a woman I worked with and we were chatting and , as per my norm, I told her my whole life and all my secret fears and maladies- I told her how I used to be so anxious as a child (still did not know about OCD) but I would act like I was playing a character in a play that was really brave and carefree (I was in drama for years -it helped). She told me that I was "faking it til I make it" - she was an alcoholic and that was a tool she was taught at AA. it was so strange to hear a name for what I was doing. I thought I was just weird. I can't seem to fake it anymore. (sigh) Maybe I need to join a local drama club.
beckncall- awwww, thank you so much! You have no idea how good your post made me feel! (but, I must admit- the pictures I have posted are pretty good ones for me-- If I had to post the ones I rejected- haha - well, your opinion might change!!). No, seriously, thank you. That was sweet.
Hi yaya! - I was planning on getting that permission while at the doctor's visit. I wonder if I can do that over the phone. I never thought about having the doctor write a letter summarizing his findings- that would be awesome. I just know, when I call my Mom will say she is horrible and my dad will say she is fine and I will ask questions - like- is her lack of peripheral vision due to her stroke - or vascular dementia or not? Why can she only whisper ? Why does she choke on her food? And they will not have any answers!!! SO frustrating! I am going to call that doctor today and ask about getting the HIPPA waiver- how to do it.

Thanks- Jeanne! Yes, Yaya is a smarty! Knowing you give it a thumbs up makes me think I should really do it because I value your opinion so much. :0)

Oh- JessieBelle- the blood work ( thank you for asking :0) results won't be in for another week and a half they said. Sometimes they come in early, I think, but the doctor said she would not call us with the results until they are all in. They took 9 vials of blood. My poor girl. they are screening her hormones, stress levels (in the brain) lipids profile, and some test where they look for a gene that says whether or not you are prone to blood clots- if she is then we cannot use the estrogen therapy if she has PCOS-poly cystic ovary syndrome. Oh and glucose levels- heck probably more stuff - I cannot remember it all. ( I don't know why I cannot just answer your simple question with a "not yet"? !!)


I hope you guys don't mind me talking about my girl so much. I know this is a forum for elder care and I AM on here for advice about my Mom it is just- well, my daughter is just such a huge part of my life. And her needs factor in so much with trying to take care of my Mom. how to do both, you know? And so many times there will be a post that I can answer with, not my knowledge with caring for my Mom but with my experiences with my daughter. And, quite frankly, well, I cannot go on her forum for her syndrome because I freak out. it is just too much for me to take. I read a post about one of our children having failure to thrive or other serious health problems and I just fall apart. It was after a family gathering that I had a nervous break down. A God honest nervous breakdown. So I might be using this forum a wee bit for my own needs other than my Mom's. I try not to too much but I think I do sneak some in. Sorry. :o/

OK- sorry folks for this rambling post. I got woken up to my husband freaking out about the pool pump and it shot my nerves right up ( he has since apologized :0)

Flower candle flower candle flower candle flower candle
(1)
Report

I was going to suggest you get a HIPPA waiver for the doctor to discuss your mother with you ... but yaya beat me to it. It is a very good idea!
(1)
Report

Mishka - just had a thought. You're still planning to go visit your mom and dad after your daughter's school lets out, right? I wonder if, while you're there, you could get your mom to grant her permission for you to talk with her neurologist, either by an appt. you set up (to go see him by yourself) or even by phone. Or at the least maybe he/she would be willing to write a letter to you summarizing what he/she found. Because of doctor-patient confidentiality it would require mom's permission of course, but does that sound like a possible option? That way you'd be getting the information you want straight from the horse's mouth!
Just a thought....
Flower...candle...;). ((((hugs))))
(1)
Report

Mishka...not only are you absolutely, delightful......but your gorgeous....JUST GORGEOUS......think about that for a bit.......you'll get through all this, eventually....Hang in there....you're stronger than you know.......hugs my dear....
(1)
Report

Mishka, you are a delightful woman! Fake it until you make it, I say. Pretend to feel confident, stand up straight, you are Wonder Woman! I believe in YOU!!
Love, Christina xo
(2)
Report

Mishka, what a nightmare day. I hate it when things happen like the car breaking down. I mean, you think we already have enough stress! It seems like we should have angels or something flying all around us to protect us from things like this. Have you heard anything back from your daughter's bloodwork?
(0)
Report

I emailed my Mom to see how her appointment went. She can still email some- and it is hard for her to talk. This was her response - I copied and pasted

the appointme t did not go well, i found out i wil get worse as I age Now maybe yout father will understand [
really do try

I just feel like crying. I feel so bad for her. My dad won't get back to me via email --I wish he would and explain what she means but he won't. I am calling them tomorrow. Crap. I feel horrible,. I should have been there for her. STUPID CAR IS STILL NOT FIXED! and the other one leaks gas. D**mmit!!!!!!
(0)
Report

SERIOUSLY?!?! -this time I mean to scream. All my worry -all my planning -and I get one hour away and my car breaks down-well it makes a horrid clunking sound. So I am back home trying to figure out what is wrong with the car. Trip is postponed. Won't make the appointment.

Whatever. I am exhausted. And my girl is confused as to why I am home. But Mom and Dad are very understanding. I feel so bad for them. I feel like I let them down!!!

Maybe it is Divine Intervention. Makes me feel better to think that.

Planning on going up in a few weeks after school for my girl lets out. Shucks, though, I really wanted to go to that appointment!!!!
(0)
Report

GETTING READY TO GO. Oops- didn't mean to scream it (girl was on the computer I see--I am gonna miss my little stinkweed!)

I am good enough and pretty enough and, darn it, people like me!!!

Haha

I will try and post with you all at Mom's house because if I don't I will lose my mind.

If you pray please pray that I have the patience and strength to be a good caregiver to my Mom (and that my girl and husband are safe and happy here at home---and that I get some answers from my Mom's neurologist. And that my girl's blood work comes back OK -that her hormones level out --and that .......smell the flower......blow out the candle...........)
(1)
Report

IDK cap'n - my dreams are full of running from tornadoes, surviving the apocalypse -seriously -dreamt this 2 nights ago and running around Singapore with a shopping cart full of raw meat ( that was a new one). I think I need breakfast. ;0)

JessieBelle-me, too!!!
(1)
Report

I was wondering about the dollar coaster, Mishka. I need to find one of those!
(1)
Report

you dont need breakfast damnt, you havent burned up dinner yet, youve been sleeping, no calories burned. im a lean sob, it works.
(1)
Report

***Roller coaster NOT dollar coaster -sheesh!
(0)
Report

OK- I think I am off the ledge. For now. You guys rock! Annie , that is very good advice- probably better than any behavioral therapists I have listened to!

Yaya-you are a dear! And smart! List making will happen. Thank you for the great advice!!!

JessieBelle-so right-anticipatory worry is my specialty. I always was one to scream going UP the dollar coaster. Going down seemed so much easier.
I think I am having such a hard time because after this visit I have more worries-- blood work results for my daughter. They think she has PCOS. I HATE waiting for doctor results!!! I just want to curl up with that worry but know I can't. (sigh) -maybe that is a good thing.
Capn-what can I say- I will click on your videos-haven't yet. I appreciate you taking the time to post to me after your night from Hell! Hope you and Mom are alright! As for your diet-only you would buck the quintessential rule of no eating after dinner and always eat breakfast and turn it around. Hee hee -if it works go for it though- I did the cave man diet -now called the paleo diet ( I think) years ago and it worked great-you eat only what a cave man would have. Meat , veggies, fruit, berries, nuts,-no processed foods or breads. It was hard but it worked. Unfortunately when I am stressed the first thing I want to eat are carbs!

Kabeena -haha-
I guess it is a small world after all as so many of us have those darn voices that tell us we will fail.

Thanks guys! Hugs to you all!!!
(0)
Report

I'm going to think of some super lightweight ditties I can use to make ominous dreadful thoughts sound so absurd that I will just giggle at them. Tee Hee! "It's a Small World" comes to mind, but I'm afraid I would just get in a really bizarre loop that would drive me even crazier! :

You are going to fail real big afterall,
You are going to fail real big afterall,
You are going to fail real big after all,
You are going......to.....fail!

Not YOU, of course. That's just how I would word it for MY negative thoughts.

Or, maybe some super dramatic sexy tunes, like, "Come on Baby Light My Fire!"? Gosh, I could spend so much time and have so much fun thinking of absurd tunes for my absurd negative thoughts that I might even forget what I was thinking about, or at least have less time left afterward to think about them!
(1)
Report

and if ya wanna drop a few pounds mishka try my diet. i dont eat a bite till dinner time, then i can eat all evening if i want. in a while your body acclimates and a hunger pang is only a distant memory. ive done this for many years.
its based on the theory that as a hunter man didnt eat a good meal but once every day or two. breakfast is stupid imo. you just had a big dinner then slept and didnt burn a speck of it. why refill in the am?
(1)
Report

Mishka, you are going to do fine. The anticipation is always the worse part. The way I comfort myself when I am facing something scary is telling myself, "This, too, shall pass." And I think about the time in the near future that the ordeal will be over with. If there is a trip, I think about being on the other side in a few hours. If there is a doctor's appointment, I think about it being over. It keeps me from getting so upset, thinking that all things pass. I have really bad anticipatory anxiety about things, so it's nice to have a coping skill that works for me.
(2)
Report

I would like to echo what a very wise young woman advised someone else....smell the flowers....blow out the candle....breathe. Aannnd, again!

And everything Annie said...ditto!!

Write or type out a list of questions and whatever else you want to discuss with your mom's neurologist and bring it with you. Also write down everything you know and anything your dad has told you about how your mom is doing. It will help clarify everything for you and maybe satiate your OCD a little in the process.

Then be the little engine that could. I think I can. I think I can...I KNOW I can!!!!
(2)
Report

1. Make those voices in your head SING, literally, their message. Let your OCD take time to pick the appropriate tune for their message. "Somewhere over the rainbow" and "Stayin' Alive" (Beegees) are my favorate tunes for re-doing my self torture mental speeches. Why? Well, they sound rediculous when they are "sung" inside my head instead of hearing the BS yelled my fathers voice.

2. when you look in the mirror, hold up a picture of your duaghter. Would you stand by while someone berates her like that? Nope, huh, so why are you letting you do that to the little girl in you?

3. Let your OCD have a ball with an actual activity to get your mind off the self poison. Just allow yourself to emotionally get lost in organizing, painting, cleaning, doing something to take your mind away from the mental self abuse for an afternoon or so.
(3)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter