I'm getting fatter and dumber...

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I leave for my Mom and Dad's house tomorrow for a few days to give Dad a break and to take my Mom to her neurology appointment. So glad I finally get to meet one of her doctors and maybe get some answers! BUT- as the time draws nearer to leave I find myself becoming uglier and uglier, and stupider and stupider. yes, I know that is not a word- see what I mean.

I know it is the voice I grew up with. It is the voice of my parents. My hands are just shaking for fear of doing this trip. I am not at my best. And my sister cannot come now. She was going to be there too. and We have had a super long month with my girl and we are going through some worries with her health and so my mental health is not great. My OCD is kinda high and I just feel vulnerable to those old haunts from childhood.

When I am strong, when I do not have extra worries I can tell that self doubt to f**k off but now .... I just looked in the mirror and saw a monster,. Just saw a really ugly, stupid girl.

I have to leave tomorrow morning. I have been waiting and waiting to get into a doctor appointment with my Mom and now I am going to eff it up.

How do I get through this??? What if I fail? What if I lose it on my Mom? What if I have a panic attack?

I do not want to go. I do not want to go . I do not want to go. I am going... to vomit.


1. Make those voices in your head SING, literally, their message. Let your OCD take time to pick the appropriate tune for their message. "Somewhere over the rainbow" and "Stayin' Alive" (Beegees) are my favorate tunes for re-doing my self torture mental speeches. Why? Well, they sound rediculous when they are "sung" inside my head instead of hearing the BS yelled my fathers voice.

2. when you look in the mirror, hold up a picture of your duaghter. Would you stand by while someone berates her like that? Nope, huh, so why are you letting you do that to the little girl in you?

3. Let your OCD have a ball with an actual activity to get your mind off the self poison. Just allow yourself to emotionally get lost in organizing, painting, cleaning, doing something to take your mind away from the mental self abuse for an afternoon or so.
I would like to echo what a very wise young woman advised someone else....smell the flowers....blow out the candle....breathe. Aannnd, again!

And everything Annie said...ditto!!

Write or type out a list of questions and whatever else you want to discuss with your mom's neurologist and bring it with you. Also write down everything you know and anything your dad has told you about how your mom is doing. It will help clarify everything for you and maybe satiate your OCD a little in the process.

Then be the little engine that could. I think I can. I think I can...I KNOW I can!!!!
Mishka, you are going to do fine. The anticipation is always the worse part. The way I comfort myself when I am facing something scary is telling myself, "This, too, shall pass." And I think about the time in the near future that the ordeal will be over with. If there is a trip, I think about being on the other side in a few hours. If there is a doctor's appointment, I think about it being over. It keeps me from getting so upset, thinking that all things pass. I have really bad anticipatory anxiety about things, so it's nice to have a coping skill that works for me.
and if ya wanna drop a few pounds mishka try my diet. i dont eat a bite till dinner time, then i can eat all evening if i want. in a while your body acclimates and a hunger pang is only a distant memory. ive done this for many years.
its based on the theory that as a hunter man didnt eat a good meal but once every day or two. breakfast is stupid imo. you just had a big dinner then slept and didnt burn a speck of it. why refill in the am?
I'm going to think of some super lightweight ditties I can use to make ominous dreadful thoughts sound so absurd that I will just giggle at them. Tee Hee! "It's a Small World" comes to mind, but I'm afraid I would just get in a really bizarre loop that would drive me even crazier! :

You are going to fail real big afterall,
You are going to fail real big afterall,
You are going to fail real big after all,
You are going......to.....fail!

Not YOU, of course. That's just how I would word it for MY negative thoughts.

Or, maybe some super dramatic sexy tunes, like, "Come on Baby Light My Fire!"? Gosh, I could spend so much time and have so much fun thinking of absurd tunes for my absurd negative thoughts that I might even forget what I was thinking about, or at least have less time left afterward to think about them!
OK- I think I am off the ledge. For now. You guys rock! Annie , that is very good advice- probably better than any behavioral therapists I have listened to!

Yaya-you are a dear! And smart! List making will happen. Thank you for the great advice!!!

JessieBelle-so right-anticipatory worry is my specialty. I always was one to scream going UP the dollar coaster. Going down seemed so much easier.
I think I am having such a hard time because after this visit I have more worries-- blood work results for my daughter. They think she has PCOS. I HATE waiting for doctor results!!! I just want to curl up with that worry but know I can't. (sigh) -maybe that is a good thing.
Capn-what can I say- I will click on your videos-haven't yet. I appreciate you taking the time to post to me after your night from Hell! Hope you and Mom are alright! As for your diet-only you would buck the quintessential rule of no eating after dinner and always eat breakfast and turn it around. Hee hee -if it works go for it though- I did the cave man diet -now called the paleo diet ( I think) years ago and it worked great-you eat only what a cave man would have. Meat , veggies, fruit, berries, nuts,-no processed foods or breads. It was hard but it worked. Unfortunately when I am stressed the first thing I want to eat are carbs!

Kabeena -haha-
I guess it is a small world after all as so many of us have those darn voices that tell us we will fail.

Thanks guys! Hugs to you all!!!
***Roller coaster NOT dollar coaster -sheesh!
you dont need breakfast damnt, you havent burned up dinner yet, youve been sleeping, no calories burned. im a lean sob, it works.
I was wondering about the dollar coaster, Mishka. I need to find one of those!
IDK cap'n - my dreams are full of running from tornadoes, surviving the apocalypse -seriously -dreamt this 2 nights ago and running around Singapore with a shopping cart full of raw meat ( that was a new one). I think I need breakfast. ;0)

JessieBelle-me, too!!!

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