I can't take the stress anymore. I feel guilty, and responsible. I promised dad I would take care of my mom.

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Nikejean, I pray that you find the answer that fits you. But if it were me, I would put mom in facility that best suits her needs. At 67 it's time for you to take care of you. My mom's health started declining after she took care of a terminally ill cousin, sister-in-law, and brother. She didn't realize that she, too, was ill. After seeing about all of them her heart just gave out and required open heart surgery.

My point is. ...do what's best for YOU and mom. You are no good to her if you are tired and worn out. You can't do it all.
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I appreciate the comments. Here is some additional information. My mother is 97 years and I am 68. I have been raised from a very young child to be the caretaker of my family. My younger brother (18 months younger) was sickly from the time he was born. I was told to take care of him then I had another brother 11 years later also with many health issues. I took care of them and all of the doctors appointments that they had from a very young age, my dad worked every day except Sunday and I was not allowed to have any friends unless they were family. It was the rule. I feel into that trap and took care of both of my brothers until they died. I also gladly took care of my dad during his illness until he passed away. On top of the fact that I was a single mother with 3 children, one of which was deaf and Cerebral palsied probably due to rubella during my first trimester. I actually do not know how to be anything else but be a caregiver. I am stuck, I have tried therapy to no avail and feel frustrated, and have often feel that I want to disappear, run away or not exist anymore. My mom has a Thyroid condition, Parkinsons, some moderate dementia, she still goes to the bathroom and feeds herself. She is very demanding and wants me to be around her every minute and answer her immediately or she keeps calling me every few seconds until I come to her. I have no regular help and no one to talk to. My grandson who is 17 tries to assist me whenever he can and so does my deaf son-in-law but he has to help my daughter who in addition to CP has developed OCD and Agoraphobia and is housebound. My other two children who could help me live far away. I love my mom but do not like her alot due to these responsibilities she placed on me from a young child. I need some time to myself and some friends and am at a lose as how to go and do this. I have read all the comments and I have thought about these the past. Unfortunately, I cannot afford to have a caretaker come in and I had to put one of my brothers in a nursing home when I couldn't care for him anymore and the homes were horrible. The care was terrible and the smells were disgusting. I understand all of these things intellectually but emotionally I am not able to move on.
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Yes, sometimes I am a pigeon and other times a statue. But, life goes on. Recall the pleasant moments, exercise, and meditate or pray. Talk to a friend who is a good listener, share your thoughts with an understanding doctor, take meds as needed. In due time, the stress-producing ill feelings will pass. Good Luck! Gene
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Babalon...You are so right. I'd like the critics to walk just one mile in my shoes. They don't know the half of what I have deal with. My mom is the perfect angel at church. She can really fool the public. But when we're home she's just the opposite. If I say her, she says haw. The outsiders just don't get it. As for as they know, I am just the mean old daughter that wants to put her mother away.

They forget that I am the same daughter that took both my mom and dad in when they were flooded out their home. My dad was terminally ill and died a few months later. I helped my mom put the house back together. She begged me to move in with her. So I got rid of my place and moved in with my mom who was afraid to live alone. We've been together harmoniously now for 19 years. We did everything and went everywhere together. The time has come when we must part. I'm 57 and she's 87. She needs AL. I am NOT going to feel guilty for putting her there. I am not throwing her away. I am putting her in a place where she can get the best possible round the clock care. AND I don't care how anyone else feels about it because I have been a good, faithful and dedicated daughter.
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And, Dee...as I'm sure you already know...no matter what you do...there will always be a critic or two waiting to interrogate. And usually it is someone without any first hand experience in the matter whatsoever. No one is ever truly understanding of what a caregiver must go through until they become one, themselves. I had a good idea but still there are things that you never think about that come up and nuances of it that you'd never guess, at least from my experience. It is one of those situations that you have to live to understand. And there is no cookie cutter scenario or option set. It is a brand new 'adventure' each and every time because every elder is a unique individual as is every caregiver. Then add in situation. A new batch of cookies every time.
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I felt guilty at first. People always say to me why are you putting her in a facility. It's because I have to work. Even if I hire a caretaker during the day, I'm tired after work but everything is on me still. My siblings always have something else to do. So it's all on me. Oh did I mentioned that my siblings are men? As soon as I started to look into a facility they wanted to grumble. So no, I don't feel guilty. I want to have peace of mind, free time and less worrying like everyone else.
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My mom has passed now, but I've been where you are. I really think that guilt is a part of any bad situation. Humans tend to blame themselves, often for things outside their control. You are doing the best you are able to do. Remind yourself often not to feel guilty for what you are unable to do.
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I agree that taking care of Mom does not have to mean doing every physical thing for her. It means looking out for her welfare. I love my mom, but I don't like her a lot and she wears me out. I spend a tremendous amount of time and effort and thought managing things for her to have visits from me, paid companions, a nice environment, good medical care, and a good quality AL. Yes, I feel sick with guily at not taking her into my home, but bc I planned for it she can be in this fancy AL instead of some dump. I also know that if I tried to move her into my house (a) my husband would stroke out from high blood pressure, (b) I would go nuts from her constant demands and moods, (c) we'd have to get in-home care bc we both work and then money would run out, (d) eventually her needs would exceed what we could manage anyway. Thankfully, many people have commented on how much I do for her and I am learning to not let the guilt be in charge because I AM taking care of Mom, but I am also taking care of me and my husband. Mom has had 85 pretty good years and taking care of her does not mean giving our lives to her.
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Thank you much Babalon 1919. this thought never crossed my mind before but you are so correct... hope that it helps the others as much as it has helped me... Not sure where or when but at least this is a well planted seed.
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And 'taking care' of someone does not automatically obligate you to do it all...you promised to make sure she was taken care of and so just make sure she is. There are a myriad of ways this can be done toward the optimum level of care possible. Safety and quality of life are the priorities....and your life is just as important as hers...and I think even your dad would agree. If your life sucks, then probably hers is following suit. Do whatever it is that will make it not so for the both of you. That will be keeping your word to your dad.
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