I can't take the stress anymore. I feel guilty, and responsible. I promised dad I would take care of my mom.

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life sucks

15 Comments

If you're comfortable sharing a little more information with us you'll get more responses and more support.

Do you live with your mom? How old is she? Is she sick? How long have you been caring for your mom? What is the most stressful part for you? Did you promise your dad on his deathbed?
I agree....tell us more about your situation.... but I have the exact same situation. The promise to my father looms large for me... and my mother and I always got along. However, her vascular dementia has changed her personality some... no - a great deal. And that makes it difficult...very difficult. My mother lives with us... as does my partner's mother. So we have a lively house. Not knowing more about your situation, I have found the only way to REDUCE the stress is to hire a caregiver you can trust to do all the things you need while they are there.. and then assert yourself in doing some of the things in your life that you are missing out on because of the presence of your mother. Hope this helps...
There is nothing wrong with no being able to handle the stresses of caregiving. Be kind to yourself. A promise made to your dad does not equate to reality. Caregiving is THE most difficult job next to being a parent, and you become that parent to someone who has dementia because the parent becomes child-like. Start researching other options for your mom so she can be taken care of and you get some respite. Do not feel guilty, you do not need to beat yourself up over this situation. You being this stressed does not do your mom any good. Take care of yourself first and find other resources. Best wishes.
Nikejean...agree...need more information.

Frankly, it doesn't matter what you promised. Where is your heart and what can you realistically do that you are not already doing? What are you doing that is creating the stress, and/or the guilt? I understand caregiving is extremely stressful, and frankly only truly understood by those that are providing the care, and have done so for months to years on end. Start to surround yourself with those that have and/or are experiencing this journey. However, need more information as to your particular situation. Marco40
Please share more details as we can help when we know what is causing your stress.
And 'taking care' of someone does not automatically obligate you to do it all...you promised to make sure she was taken care of and so just make sure she is. There are a myriad of ways this can be done toward the optimum level of care possible. Safety and quality of life are the priorities....and your life is just as important as hers...and I think even your dad would agree. If your life sucks, then probably hers is following suit. Do whatever it is that will make it not so for the both of you. That will be keeping your word to your dad.
Thank you much Babalon 1919. this thought never crossed my mind before but you are so correct... hope that it helps the others as much as it has helped me... Not sure where or when but at least this is a well planted seed.
I agree that taking care of Mom does not have to mean doing every physical thing for her. It means looking out for her welfare. I love my mom, but I don't like her a lot and she wears me out. I spend a tremendous amount of time and effort and thought managing things for her to have visits from me, paid companions, a nice environment, good medical care, and a good quality AL. Yes, I feel sick with guily at not taking her into my home, but bc I planned for it she can be in this fancy AL instead of some dump. I also know that if I tried to move her into my house (a) my husband would stroke out from high blood pressure, (b) I would go nuts from her constant demands and moods, (c) we'd have to get in-home care bc we both work and then money would run out, (d) eventually her needs would exceed what we could manage anyway. Thankfully, many people have commented on how much I do for her and I am learning to not let the guilt be in charge because I AM taking care of Mom, but I am also taking care of me and my husband. Mom has had 85 pretty good years and taking care of her does not mean giving our lives to her.
My mom has passed now, but I've been where you are. I really think that guilt is a part of any bad situation. Humans tend to blame themselves, often for things outside their control. You are doing the best you are able to do. Remind yourself often not to feel guilty for what you are unable to do.
I felt guilty at first. People always say to me why are you putting her in a facility. It's because I have to work. Even if I hire a caretaker during the day, I'm tired after work but everything is on me still. My siblings always have something else to do. So it's all on me. Oh did I mentioned that my siblings are men? As soon as I started to look into a facility they wanted to grumble. So no, I don't feel guilty. I want to have peace of mind, free time and less worrying like everyone else.

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