Roller Coaster Ride

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My caregiving has turned into a roller coaster ride which I am sure everyone else's has too. I am blessed to have both parents but it is wearing me totally out. I live close but can't go home for more than 1 hour at a time it is like walking on egg shells my mother can't have anyone around she is very fearful my dad broke his him over 4 years ago will not exterise on his own and by the time I do the cooking washing and everything I am too tired to make him . They both are going down hill and they really need me but I do lose my patience they live in a trailer after their house burn about 10 years ago about 1/4 mile from me but I have to drive back and forth all day and spend then ights with them I have no time for myself and don't even get to go anywhere we are retired now and my husband had rather them stay where they are than them live with us which I totally understand. A nurseing home would be their death I know them too well.They are totally set in their ways I have told them we are going to have to move this trailer close to my house so i can just walk back and forth they own the land in front on our land so they would be on their own land but they say no way. My brother came home for a couple weeks and my mom got scared he would get into the paperwork and I had to stay and sleep in a chair the whole time except 2 nights. So it is a waste of time for him to even come home he isn't attached that much anyway but he is the favorite child when he is gone. Which from what I read that happens alot the one who does nothing is the good one my Mother has made it clear that everything is to divided down the middle which that is the way it will be done by law and by her wishes I have hard feelings some but understand. No outside help can be brought in as my mom is shy and I would have to be there while they are there. My only freedom is my computor my garden and a few chickens which I got for the eggs since I can't go anywhere I don't want to just sit I am trying to stay active, It isn't fair to my husband either as we don't get to go anywhere but he is being good about it. I know it will end some day and I will be sad so as I am saying it is a roller coaster ride one minute I am telling God I can't do this and the next I am in tears as I know they are getting weaker and I feel so guilty about lossing my temper. For they think I am the terriable child I am doing the best i can and keeping them in there envorement they they are used to. Everyone else would put them in the nurseing home but they have had a hard life and worked very hard and have been shunned by family as they were on the poorer side . So I am rideing this roller coster ride .Wishing everyone a good evening as we go on this path the sometimes seems like leads to the end of the world,


Hoping, it sounds as though you need to hire a private caregiver to relieve you some of the time. I know you say your Mom doesn't want anyone else as a caregiver but my parents were that very same way in the beginning. They both were dead set about having any help besides me.

I just took it very slowly with my parents --- first of all, I told Dad that the caregiver was for Mom and I told Mom the caregiver was for Dad so that took care of the initial objections. Then, I brought the caregiver just to meet them and I told my parents if they didn't like her, that'd be it. Once they met the caregiver and began talking with her, they found out they knew people in common. After that hurdle, we agreed the caregiver would only come 3 hours a couple days a week and as time went by we increased the days and times little by little.

It was an adjustment but 3 years later, they have caregivers most of the day. Our caregivers are like part of the family - both Mom and Dad have bonded with them. I continue to act as back-up and stay the nights but I'm not going crazy like I was in the beginning when it was all on me.

Hope it all works out for you! It's amazing how we can all relate to one another - I'm so grateful for this site that's brought us all together.
Did your parents ever tell you, "You can't always have what you want?" Well, it applies at any age. They want you to be available to them all the time and they want to avoid outside help. Sorry, they can't have that. You are trying to give them the Big Deal thing -- they don't want to go to a nursing home, and you are trying to ensure that they get that. But they have to be flexible about some of the lesser things they want, like no one but their child to help them. Carol72156 tells you of her expereince along these lines.

First you have to understand that it is not your obligation to give them everything they want (any more than they gave you everything you wanted). You cannot sacrifice your health, your mental well-being, and your marriage, to fulfill everything they want exactly the way they want it. See that they are well taken care of. Assure them of your love. But set reasonable parameters.

Good luck.
It is wonderful that everyone who is the same boat many miles apart can come together and listen to each other and help. Thanks everyone for the great advice and lending a ear.
You and your parents need some help. You need to convince them of that.

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