I don't want to do this anymore - my own life is suffering.

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Recently divorced and relocated, my 83 year old mother followed me. She lived with us for about 13 years prior to my divorce (she is not the reason for the divorce). I have a sister who is a medical assistant as well as an alcoholic - she has been of very little help.

The relationship is not good between me and my sister. She slept with my husband after I left in our bed with my 15 and 23 year old sons in the other room. She did this out of anger in that she is not happy with a book I am presently working on. Although you would never know it, we went to Catholic schools.

I am trying to get my life in order with work and social life, but feel that my mother is really hindering that process. She fell last week in the bathtub and I could not pick her up and had to call the fire department. It is only a matter of time before she falls down the wooden staircase in the condo I am presently renting. She is living in the 2nd bedroom that was originally intended for my, now, 16 year old son for when he comes to visit as he lives with his father in order to stay in the school with friends as originally intended prior to the divorce.

I originally got her a place in an adult community 5 minutes away that offered amenities such as transportation and numerous clubs and activities. My sister would not help financially and it became too expensive for her to afford. I told her that she should get a roommate, to which she refused. I have tried to talk to her about the idea of getting a place with another senior back at the senior community and it results in a screaming match. She is Greek, of which there is no relief...

I really feel the need to get on by myself. I have had two nervous breakdowns since leaving my husband, a car accident, a bankruptcy (I took all our debt), and an almost eviction (my husband was late on payment which then affected my ability to pay the rent). All of this in light of being disabled due to a workman's comp injury in 2004 that is still active...


I look like crap and I feel guilty...help!

5 Comments

Wow! That's a lot to deal with. Your mother can't afford assisted living if she has semi-private room? Perhaps you should just set it up and tell her you can't do it anymore. You have to take care of yourself first, as they say.
What does she have for income and would she be eligible for Medicaid? Does she have any illness? Perhaps you could start with an Area Agency on Aging for ideas.
Good luck. Try not to feel guilty about taking care of yourself.
Board and care homes may be more affordable options for your mom. If your home isn't safe for her that is a good reason for your mom to move. Staying there, if dangerous to her, puts you at risk, too. Call your local council on aging and tell them your situation and ask them for guidance.
Regarding your sister, remove yourself from that situation. My sibling is a life long alcoholic and ended up exploiting my mom leaving her destitute. Get your mom settled somewhere safe and focus on getting your life situated.
A lot of this depends on who is power of attorney and if your mom has capacity issues. Like lovingmom said, look into Medicaid. Figure out what your mom's income is and what assets she has for her care. The Medicaid process takes a while. Ombudsman at council on aging knows the facilities in your area. They may be able to suggest a place for your mom, but get her legal papers in order. You can ask her doctor for help, too. Her doctor can also make a determination if its not safe at your home for her. Good luck. And don't engage your sister if she doesn't help. I hope she isn't the POA.
i understand some of your troubles. plz don't give up hold onto you life and be asured that others are doing and feeling the same things. care for your self you can care for others until you are healthy, mind and body
Okay, first take a deep, deep breath! Move your mom downstairs, install grab bars in the bathtub or insist she do sponge baths (the landlord can help you with this I hope), and sit down and have a talk with her. You hold all the cards now. If she wants to live in your condo since you pay the bills, then some rules have to be established. YOU HAVE TO WRITE THESE RULES DOWN and post them in the kitchen or some place easy to see. Then both of you sign it saying you will both abide by the rules. Anyone breaking the rules is subject to be evicted (mom) and since you signed the lease, I guess that means her. Don't allow one person to dominate your life like this, I don't care if she is your mother. You are now an adult and you have control of your own life!
I love that: " she is Greek, of which there is no relief." Hysterical. Give that woman some ouzo and find her a gorgeous Greek man. Geeze, I don't know why it's a problem. She needs a man. She is young. My Mother married her last husband when she was 75 and he finally wore out at 96. They had 16 years of bliss. xo

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