I cannot handle my ungrateful mother anymore. When is it my turn to live?

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I need guidance and support. I cannot handle my ungrateful mother any more. I am divorced and work full time and spent everyday taking care of her needs. She lived with my cousin for a few years and she couldn't take it anymore. She was kicked out of Senior Housing for vandalism. My brother is a bum and lives in another State. My children are all grown and I don't share the burden with them. I'm 61, when is my turn to live? I am about to tell her she has to leave and she is 88. I truly do not like her. Help!

25 Comments

Wow, you sound totally frustrated and it may get worse. You need help fast. She may have some underlying conditions that should be addressed by a Doctor. One thing I found out that when people get older they can become quite aggitated with everything. They get depressed and find ways of acting out like needing attention. You should start working on a plan and use your community resources for the aged. They should to provide some recommendations. You have to start living again it's important for your well being. I hope you find a solution soon.
Wow... Do I relate with you! You aren't alone! As I reconnect with school friends we are all going through similar situations. My age and her age are in the same ball park as yours. I know this doesn't sound like much, but I have found listening to affirmation ans guided imagery has done a lot to help me. A speaker named Belleruth Naperstek has the best ones. If you are a Kaiser member, you can get them for free. If not, you can find them on the net. My love and prayers go to you... Stay strong...
(((((((hugs))))) Your time to live is now. Please consult with the local Agency on Aging and Social services regarding making a care plan and alternate arrangements for your mother. It sounds like you are burned out, and possibly looking after your mum's "wants" as well as her "needs". Some people become more self centered (narcissistic) as they get older and very demanding, and some were like that all along. If she was kicked out of senior housing for vandalism then it sounds like she has some serious mental health problems. You might contact the local mental health agency as well. These agencies should have some suggestions for you. Can you speak with her doctor as well? There are others on this site who have had to have a parent removed from their home. Social Services helped them do this once they knew the full picture. This sounds like much too much for you to continue. I understand,, as my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and narcissism and is developing more paranoia, and I could not possibly have her in my home. She is in assisted living and, though a bit of a trial to the staff, so far so good. Please take care of you - whatever you have to do, look after your own needs and let us know how it develops. more ((((((hugs)))))
Your Mom needs you..and she needs her Medicines.
it will happen to you when u get Old.
Be understanding or send her to a home where they can keep her safe.
Who cares for your Mom when you work all day? Do caregivers come in and take care of her needs? My vote is to find her a NH where she will be with others her age. If she gets out of hand there, they know how to handle the situation. Don't waste anymore of your time trying to care for a parent you can't handle. It is the compassionate thing to do. If you are not a nurse and have not been trained to deal with MH issues, dementia, etc., then do Mom a favor and move her out. Best of luck to you.
1Tommy - you sound like YOU need help! I am all about protecting the elderly and calling out elderly abuse. Maybe you had a bad experience with that. Sorry. But no one said anything about abuse here! Get on ur high horse and ride out of here.

Exhausted - when is it your time to live? The day you decide it is. We don't realize that many times, our answers lie within. I care for my narcissistic mother and angry demented father. It's a nightmare. But I've decided it is their nightmare. My mother will never live with me. My dad is in a NH, I visit twice a week and do his laundry. Sad? Absolutely, but I didn't create this situation. They did by not planning for their future. Ugh. I do what I can, then I put my own family and myself first. I would follow Emjo's advise. She is awesome and right on target. Write us more so we can help.

xo
-SS
Your mom needs a neuro psych evaluation. If she was stealing things in her senior living environment, there's something mentally wrong which could include early dementia. That could explain a lot.

You can't keep up the schedule you been maintaining. Seems like you've been the end of the road for her and maybe you feel a little bit guilty about being the one who actually places her in a nursing home. But please be aware that nursing home placement is not necessarily the end of her management for you.

If you end up being the one in charge of her medical needs or her person (by way off HPOA or conservatorship / guardianship), you will still need to supervise her care at the home and with her doctors. If she is not living with you, you will be less tired and more clear headed in your dealings with them and it should improve the quality of interface you have with her.

Just do your best - that's all that should be expected of anyone.
Please contact her doctor for a complete evaluation, i.e. blood work, CT scan to see what is going on in her body/head. There is definitely something that needs attention, and you also need to take care of yourself first. I can only relate this because I've been through it too and there are some meds that can help control her behavior, settle her down and give you some peace. Bless you and keep us posted on what happens. But a doctor visit for her would be my best advice; and some respite for you also. Maybe it is time to let your children know that could use some help if they live near you or close enough to come and help out. Maybe their visits would help your Mom too. Since we don't know all the dynamics, this is purely off the top of my head. Their visits would surely be help to you. xxxooo
I am in the same situation, just about the same age. What I have done is give my siblings a day that I will be leaving. I have been here 2 years - have done my part. I did not spring it on anyone, we have 6-9 months to find my Mother an assisted living. I just cannot do this anymore, she is driving me mad and I can feel myself losing patience. Not good for either of us. So sad and hard...... good luck......you do deserve to get your life back.
Yes 1Tommy, it will probably happen to us one day also. But your comment is a bit harsh, as were other very short comments you have made on other blogs on this site. This is a support forum, and I wonder if you are actually involved in the care of an elder? I do not recall seeing you relate any of your experiences either.

Exhausted: As Emjo and SelfSib have stated your time to live is NOW. You are 61 and you've paid your dues big-time. If you are unwilling to see assistance from your children or homehealthcare services, then it is probably time to put her into an NH. She is 88 and it won't get any better. However, as others have said, a complete physical/mental eval would be advisable before taking that step. In the meantime you need a break. Your Mom has Medicare, and possibly a seconday Medigap policy and/or a Long Term Care policy? You are entitled to some assistance that these policies can provide. When you take her to the doctor, also ask for a script to call for a home health evalutation by a home care agency. Be there during the eval. The nurse will help you establish a plan of care (what they can do, what you can do, what your Mom needs, etc.) and they will coordinate with the medical insurers. Take this help. You are entitled. If you have truly reached the end of your rope, then consider the NH. It would be the kindest route for both of you.

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