Having thoughts of "Suicide" and it scares me!

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Hi Everyone, I just wrote a very long post and when I went to Submit it, I got a mesage stating that my post could not be posted b/c I used the symbol of a backward arrow... I'm just in a lot of pain physically and emotionally and am exhausted. I wouldn't hurt myself. But entertaining just the thought of "taking the easy way out" scared me. I have a strong Faith and feel like I'm losing that Faith! I want it back, but don't see a way out of the constant labor or caring for others and taking care of Everything! I'm just so tired and my own health is declining fast. I want to thank you all for being so supportive and for sharing your story with me/us! I'm sorry that you too are in the seemingly endless caretaking roll. We all need something good to look forward to! Well, I'm off to the grocery store for the third time this week. My body hurts so bad. My spirit hurts even worse. God Bless you all!


I believe that people who commit suicide, really just want 'it' to stop. Whatever 'it' is, is different for everyone. Your 'it' is being the sole caretaker I assume, so how do you get 'it' to stop without killing yourself? What kind of steps can you take to make it easier on you? Also, get yourself into a good church and start leaning on fellow believers. We were NOT meant to go thru this life alone, that's what the body of Christ is all about. I would start by being practical, you can't do this alone, so make other plans with that in mind. It's NOT a sign of weakness, or that you don't love the one you're taking care of, it's just a fact. When we as humans get all emotional and worn out, we lose our ability to think clearly I believe. Step back and look logically at your situation, (if you can) and make changes. If you're no longer able to see what to do, then reach out to someone who is detached from it and ask them.
I tend to be more left brained than right, so being logical is easy for me, so if you're not, find someone who is. That may be just the ticket to getting you back on solid ground instead of quicksand. And please find a church you like.
One thing you can be sure of. The situation WILL CHANGE. It always does.
GOD grant Willow peace during this storm & stregnthen her during this difficult time. Open divine doors to help her in her struggles. Amen.
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Hi Kathy,
You are so tired and rightfully so. Please try to see your doctor. Even though this was a fleeting thought, and nearly everyone has such a thought from time to time if they feel overwhelmed, depression among caregivers is high. Lifestyle changes and even prescriptions and/or counseling can help - really it can. Please take care of yourself. You can't take care of others if you are sick, so do it for everyone.

Thank you all for your support, guidance and encouragement. I know things won't always be this way, but I do have a problem with depression, anxiety and PTSD, stemming from a very dysfunctional childhood...This childhood included the people that I'm presently taking care of. They're much nicer to me now, but I feel so alone and so overwhelmed in caring for others. My Faith is strong. I'm already on anti-depressants and do see a councelor when I have the money. Tomorrow morning my mom is going into the hospital to have major surgery (vascular - a vein/artery bypass in her left leg b/c of PAD). My own pain is usually near a #10 most every morning and tomorrow I must be able to function, get my puppy to a sitter (who lives 23 miles away), then backtrack and drive to the hospital to sit w/ my s-dad and wait for the surgeon to give us 'hopefully" good news. Of course my mom and s-dad absolutey refuse any outside help and I'm an only child. I have pain meds, but they don't work and I've been running around like crazy getting groceries, cleaning, putting on a smile and trying to cope. Finding all of you here has been absolutely a God Send!!! I appreciate you all so much! I don't feel so alone when I'm here and see what everyone else is going through... Caring for anyone 24/7 is totally overwhelming and we can't clock out... There is no end to this shift. God Bless you and Love to you all!
The fact that they refuse outside help and are willing to keep you as a slave should be the sign that you are an abused caretaker.
Refuse to take her home after her surgery because you are incapable of taking care of her (suicidal thoughts?!). She will go to rehab for a couple of weeks and you can get a break. During this break figure out what she qualifies for in terms of home care, sign her up, let them in and decide what you need to do for yourself. Do not back down. Groceries once a week firm, you out of the house for a day each week firm make an agenda with health aides and stick to it. If you stick to your guns your parents may treat you better. My sibs and I have had to make what some would view as selfish decisions but had we not we would have been stuck in my parents dysfunctional world. (They are old and alone now but their behavior over the years to us has been nothing short of horrific, recently my mom had dad arrested, a play that has had many repeat performances) It sounds like your life is getting to that point. Get healthy, take care of yourself FIRST. A dead caregiver is useless.

It sounds like the bondage of your dysfunctional childhood is still in place and your parents can be much nicer to you now because they have you emotionally trapped. Often it is that feeling of I'm trapped, this pain or whatever has no options to deal with or any end in sight which leads to suicidal thoughts which can escalate quickly into suicadal plans. Sometimes as in my case, I was washing dishes and suddenly my mind was filled with not just wanting to die, but how I wanted to kill myself and well as where. Please talk with a doctor about these suicide thoughts. Please talk with the hospital discharge people and tell them your situation and that you can no longer handle this mess. If the hospital has a chaplain, I'd talk with that person too. As an only child also, I feel for you and wish you well. My own childhood was very dysfunctional, but I think that as an only child I got the abuse worse from my mother than my three male cousins who were raised by mom's sister. Please, take care of yourself.
Ogt, you're so right! Still, my s-dad won't allow anyone (a stranger) into the house. My s-dad is in very poor health too, but is so stubborn and tries to be the martyr (?sp). These people are extremely hard to deal with. They've lost all of their 'friends' over the years and now no one wants to come visit with them. If it were just my mom, I'd get help in here asap! But it's both that need help...well, I need help too big time! I'm ready to pack up and go live in Assisted Living myself... I'd be there if it weren't for my puppy! I have 2 stepsisters from my s-dad and then there's me, who is here 24/7. Only one of his daughters speaks to my s-dad. I have no idea of what to do if something should happen to either parent b/c when I had my health and was out on my own, I decided to move to Seattle WA for a while, and try and get to know my real dad's daughter, my half-sister. My mom and s-dad were so angry with me that they got rid of all of my things that I was storing in their garage (I wanted to rent a storage unit, but they convinced me to use their garage instead of paying...)... A lot of my real father's things were packed in my belongings. I'd just lost my real dad right before going to Seattle. I live in PA (South Eastern PA - approx. 40 minutes from Philadelphia). So, I have no idea of what to do if/when something does happen b/c they basically disowned me, sold some of my things I had in storage in their garage and called for a dumpster co. to take the rest of my things away. Then they changed their Will also, so I'm now only a very small part of that. I don't care about their possessions. I do fear homelessness if/when anything should happen. I'm so riddled with anxiety and fear of the unknown. I just pray that I don't lose my dog if I end up homeless! I couldn't bear to be w/out my precious puppy! He's my world and sanity right now.
Bless you all!
That is terrible, but look at how much fear and anxiety they have churning inside of you over being concerned about them when they have disowned you. Maybe, it's time to cut your loses, let them sleep in the bed they have made, take to heart that you didn't make them that way-you can't control how they are-nor can you fix them or reboot them into the people they ought to be, and face that all you can really do is put yourself on a healthier path in life regardless of what they do or don't do. It sounds like it is time to stop over investing emotionally in people who were abusive of you as a child and now don't care a 'monkey's uncle' about you.
I've thought of pushing down on the gas pedal of my truck and slamming into a tree to end the battle of being abandoned to deal with this load by myself, but I then think, NO, I want to live to see the karma come back on the very same people who abandoned me and let them see me gleaming in blessings while they are wishing they would have been giving instead of selfish.
That's a scary thought sylvester and it might be a good idea to talk with someone about this. When my wife got fully in touch with her anger toward her mom she suddenly knew exactly how she wanted her mother to die, how long she wanted it to take and how painful she wanted it to be. Either side of this two edged sword is dangerous. On the one side we want to get rid of the pain and out feelings of total lack of control by the ultimate act of control in taking our own life. The other side, we are so in touch with our anger about who caused this pain that we have thoughts about how we would like for them to suffer and even possibly die. There's a point on that edge from which there is no return. The edge my wife was dealing with was she going to let it so over take her that she would blindly in an understandable rage lash out violently at anyone nearby thinking they wore the face of their mom. According to one of my police friends this is often at the heart of a domestic murder. So, long story short, I got my wife some help to assist her as well as to protect me and the boys. I"m not a therapist but it sounds like you need some help from one.

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