Depression coming on again.

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I can feel my depression coming on again. Have been doing so well lately. I can't stand the sight,sound or smell of her lately. I feel even worse for feeling this way. Just a viscous cycle. She hasn't even done anything particularly eventful. Starting to hide in my bedroom again and I don't want to. It's just that her pattern of behavior every time I or my husband get around her she immediately starts in on when is this or that going to get done, why haven't we done it, what's the hold up,etc...I am about to turn 55 and my husband is 57 and yet she looks at us as if we are teenagers. I just found out I now have arthritic changes in my lower spine that have been the cause of a very painful right hip which does slow me down. I just feel like screaming shut up for the love of god. She doesn't have dementia, that I could understand, this is just her personality. I thank god for this site that I can ventilate on with people that understand. I read as many of everybody's posts and although I might not comment I think about everybody's situation through the day. Sometimes I just hate her so much, feels good to "say" this out loud. We were never close and because of behavior towards me in a time when I really really needed my mother she literally turned her back on me (rape was involved). Acted like nothing happened. So when she starts blithering on about her sh--t I look at her and think how can you even look me in the face after what you did?


Texarkansas, I started to answer earlier, but I didn't know what to say. I know how you are feeling, but I don't know what you should do. The only thing I can do when I feel so bad is to get out and go places. When I'm feeling depressed, I don't want to go anywhere, but after I get out, I feel better. I put some music on in the car, then drive to be with people. I'm lucky to know some good folks at the Senior Center here and they can pick my spirits up in no time.

What I really wish is that I had someone here at home that would fill my need for company. But things here are not so good for me emotionally. I have to refill my emotional energies outside. Walking and exercise won't do it for me. I have to be part of a group of people enjoying each others' company. It makes me feel better.

My mother was a good candidate for world's worst mother, too. Sometimes I remind myself that she had me (loosely) for 19 years, but I've been taking care of myself for over 40. How bad she was has no hold on me anymore. I became a really good person despite of it all. And I'm determined to come out the other side of this as a really good person despite of it all. I have a feeling that if you are taking care of your mother now after all that happened, then you are a really good person. Caregiving has a way of reviving all the old issues from long ago. I am learning, though, that it doesn't help resolve the issue by dealing with our mothers. It does help, however, in letting us come to an understanding of the why. I hope that makes some sense.

The only thing I can suggest is to get yourself some me-time so you can refresh yourself emotionally. I hope other people will have some more ideas.
thanks for the response.I actually just did simple things today,mostly housecleaning, at least all the laundry is done and the kictchen floor is cleaner.Your right,just get moving,it's better than just standing still.
texarkana, when you say you feel depression "coming on again," does that indicate that you have been diagnosed for depression before? Were you treated? Are you in therapy or getting any treatment now? Like diabetes or COPD or shingles, depression is a medical condition and is treatable. The first way to take care of yourself is to get treatment.

Why aren't you screaming at her, "shut up for the love of god!"? Well, OK, may not those exact words. But if you are angry about her behavior, why are you stuffing it inside and hiding in your room? Do you feel like a teenager, too? What happens if you say, "Mother, I don't know when I am going to get to that. This is my house and I'll run it as I see fit. If that doesn't satisfy you, you are free to live elsewhere"?

Was it Dear Abby or Ann Landers who always used to say "Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission." Whoever said it, there is a lot of truth to it. Stop giving permission.

But whatever the relationship with Mother, please, please take care of that depression. Nip it in the bud. Don't let it get full-blown. You deserve to feel normal.

Oh yea I know the feeling. My mom has dementia and her personality has really changed for the worse.I put doors everywhere in my house and when she starts I close off the room I'm in and ignore her until I'm calm again.
Sometimes I put on music and dance or sing out loud.Not a pretty picture as I am 63,fat and tone deaf but it helps me keep sane and happy.
I play SIMS and happy,blissful life in a fantasy world for a few hours each night.
It's my way of escaping.Did I mention I am 30 years younger,live alone and the emperor of evil in this world? or that my palatial mansion on a calm and ever beautiful beach? You might laugh but it works for me.
One word of advice.What ever happened when we were younger is best put out of your mind. You can't change the past and dragging that baggage around with you will only destroy your future.If your mom for whatever must share a house with you just keep your interaction with her to a minimum.
Only talk when spoken to and do not initiate conversation unless necessary.
You are an adult.Let her know that if she abuses or offends you you will not tolerate it. You are "choosing" to be depressed by putting up with bad behavior.
It's time you took control of your life, don't you think?
A hug to you, dear. That fretting about getting things done could be dementia. I hope you can get some good drugs - legal ones of course - and feel better.

Yes, tell her she's free to live somewhere else if she doesn't like it here. LOL, or is it crying out loud?
If your mother can take care of herself at all, look into independent living. Assisted living would be better but I can't afford it after having spent my future on my mother already. Mama can get up and down, use a rolling walker, take care of her own bathroom needs, wash her dishes, fix her coffee, reheat food in microwave, make her own bed. Mama would rather snack than eat a meal so I keep her in as healthy snacks as possible, take her a meal daily, take home her laundry, take her to doctor appointments. She was excited about her living situation at first, then began slipping into her old ways. I stand my ground and remind her that I am all that she has and that she is not allowed to treat me badly, take care of what needs to be taken care of quickly, and leave. Amazing how sweet she is the next day. If she has to live with you, I suggest you take the same stance. "Mother, I am all that you have. Treat me kindly." Then leave. Hope it helps. Nowhere in the Ten Commandments does God say to allow your parent(s) or anyone else to treat you badly. Mama's next move when she can no longer take care of her own basic needs will be to skilled nursing. I will not subject myself to her abuse again. Take your life back!

As I read your post I remembered why I started coming here. It was sanity saving. I could not speak about the reality with anyone in my family because I was the only one experiencing it.

Like your mom, my mom was completely sane. She was brutal. One day she said, "I don't know why I don't feel like I'm 50 anymore". She was 90 at the time and we were in our late 50s... feeling exhausted ourselves.

It's a strange time and I just want to say I agree with you 100 percent. Coming to this site to just say how it is and to find that others are sharing the same reality was sanity saving for me.

In retrospect the only thing I wish I had been able to do was to stick to some schedule for myself. You know... something like, come hell or high water, walk every day for 20 minutes. With mom's health, and her always afraid she was not quite feeling right, I could never stick with anything for myself.

My heart goes out to you, because your story sounds so familiar. You are trying to do the right thing and despite how you have been treated, you are trying to be the best possible person you can be, the best daughter... and you are doing that. At the end of the day I hope you feel peace that you gave it your all and that you did the right thing despite her.

When my mom got nasty, although it hurt just the same, I used to take a step back and observe... her, and that some day I may be feeling just as confused and scared and ... and... and... I don't know what, as she was feeling. I only hope that I'm never as nasty as my mom was, but you never know... until I'm actually as old as she was, I don't know how much I will be able to keep it together and be kind. That's my goal now.

Wishing you all the best and hope you know we are out here with you, thinking all day of your story and the thoughts you shared with us. My best wishes to you for a wonderful day ahead. :-)
Rape was involved and she turned her back on you? You hate her and yet remain in a situation where you're around her, allowing her to abuse you further, every day? Under the circumstances, depression is a sane and logical alternative to homicide which is what might happen if you relax your control. For God's sake get away from her and get therapy. Blessings to all of you to break this ugly cycle and soon.
Why don't you yell at her? Just because she is your mother, it sounds like she could use some reality checks, and one is to tell her exactly what you have told us. If you could find another place for her to live, would you? If yes, then do it. Your health is more important than hers if you feel she has not deserved it. This thing that is between you two will eat you alive, and you will suffer healthwise. So tell her what you are feeling, and if she doesn't like it, then she can move. Why are you allowing her to make you miserable? Don't.
My anger comes and goes.I do keep my distance as much as possible from her and after now almost a year of living with her I am actually getting better at setting limits and going on with my life.Her behavior is also adjusting as I have drawn my line in the sand.I could only just wishfully hope that I would have the kind of living situation she now has when I get her age or condition but I know that won't happen, I am an only child,have no children and she is also an only child.

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