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I can feel my depression coming on again. Have been doing so well lately. I can't stand the sight,sound or smell of her lately. I feel even worse for feeling this way. Just a viscous cycle. She hasn't even done anything particularly eventful. Starting to hide in my bedroom again and I don't want to. It's just that her pattern of behavior every time I or my husband get around her she immediately starts in on when is this or that going to get done, why haven't we done it, what's the hold up,etc...I am about to turn 55 and my husband is 57 and yet she looks at us as if we are teenagers. I just found out I now have arthritic changes in my lower spine that have been the cause of a very painful right hip which does slow me down. I just feel like screaming shut up for the love of god. She doesn't have dementia, that I could understand, this is just her personality. I thank god for this site that I can ventilate on with people that understand. I read as many of everybody's posts and although I might not comment I think about everybody's situation through the day. Sometimes I just hate her so much, feels good to "say" this out loud. We were never close and because of behavior towards me in a time when I really really needed my mother she literally turned her back on me (rape was involved). Acted like nothing happened. So when she starts blithering on about her sh--t I look at her and think how can you even look me in the face after what you did?

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I too am.an incest survivor needed my mother to protect me and she turned her back on me. I would always cry when I knew she was leaving me with my abuser (her husband, my step dad). She never paid me no mind when I would.cry out to her leaving me in a fetal position by the door as I grabbed on to her legs. She was attending college so she said and having am affair with a neighbor who happened to be married to her best friend. So instead of going to school she would end up spending the day with her lover. My point being. I am angry as all he'll because I am there for her like she's never been for me. My mom has 5Th stage dementia and I decided that as oppose to going into a nursing home, she would come to live with me instead. The abuse that comes out of her mouth is very hurtful and even if dementia is mental decease and I know that it is a fatal decease I reunite to give I'm to her thoughts and outbursts. The other day she.told me that she should have aborted me while she was pregnant with me. To find out while.speaking with my aunt that the reason I was born with deformities if because my mom did in fact try to abort me when I was in her womb. I am the only one taking care of her giving her the very best of life so she doesn't go without. Honor thy mother and father which is what I have lived by. I even buried my abuser because he had no one else so I stood by him till death when my mother turned her back on him as we'll. I guess she felt guilt for allowing him to rape me for 7 years and when she learned that he had a few months to love she threw him out of the house. Now she keeps telling me that I am the blame for her not finishing school and that makes me angry. Every time she mentions it I tell her how she should have left school to protect me from all this incest. She just doesn't get it and she never will. I am a survivor and currently in therapy because she keeps bringing my past back to surface. Thanks for reading my story.
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texarkana, you are a stronger person that I ever could be in being willing to take on the care of your mother and what you have had to endure. My mother had the audacity to tell my husband that my father molesting me as a child didn't happen. She has always been self centered and emotionally needy with a sense of entitlement. Right now she is living independently, but when the time comes she will need more care and it will not be me. Having DPOA for her gives me the advantage to place her anywhere I choose when and if she becomes incompetent. Considering what she has put me through my whole life, I doubt I will be too choosy to where she ends up, except living with me. Never!
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it is amazing that you are sane at all, my heart go's out to you. you are a fantastic person for hanging in there as long as you have, it's all about doing the right thing, l to am looking after mum, an sometimes my head feels like it will explode. God love you for keeping on in the storm.tomorrow will come an with it a brand new start. Good luck an stay strong
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Yes Texarkana, the constant babble is like getting hit in the head repeatedly and you would be better off if she was in an assisted living facility. That way you can visit once a week and she can blahblahblah with the other residents. My husband and brother in law refuse to watch football at their mother's because she will unconsciously stand in front of the TV and blahblahblah. I take care of her two days a week and after only 4 hours I need a long nap. If you don't get her out of there soon, you will go off the deep end. Save yourself.
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My mother finally died in February; I'm also an only child and was her sole caretaker for 12 years. I was on anti-depressant medication, or just would never have survived that nightmare even halfway sane. Please discuss with your doctor; the medication makes a big difference. It doesn't make mom any less maddening, but it makes it much easier to deal with the situation.
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I have to make sure that depression does not take me over. How I do this is I take my anti-depressants as prescribed. I really do not like taking the anti-depressants but I cannot afford to sink into that pit of depression - then I am no good for anyone. Like the previous poster I also make sure she has what she needs and then I take off for the day. Either to a movie, shopping or I also do a little part time job where I make my own hours. She never leaves the house so for me to get anytime I must leave. I have accepted this but I still long for privacy in my own home - I just do not have it at this time in my life. I know that if the depression overtook me I would no longer be able to be a caregiver to my Mother so I do what I have to do to take care of myself so this does not happen. My thoughts and prayers are with you, you are not alone.
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I have started to just walk away as soon as she starts up with her lists of what I need to be doing which starts anytime she sees me.No she does not have dementia,this is her personality.Her mind is sharp as a tack.She is merely becoming more of what she is.I've gotten better about tuning her out because I am careful to make sure her needs ,meds,bathing,basically the activities of daily living are met.She recently lost her yorkie of 8 yrs,I felt really bad about this,so we got her another yorkie puppie and as I suspected I now do all the cleaning up after it,don't mind,I like dogs but she doesn't acknowledge at all that if it weren't for me she wouldn't have gotten another puppy which has made her happy.Doggy duty is just another thing I am supposed to do for her.
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I get up early in the morning while she sleeps I clean the whole house then make her breakfst and lunch after that I RUN AWAY to the nearest coffee shop or friends once ive done my chores? Im off and she cant say a word. When im away from her I know she has everything done for her and if she dares to complain i walk away from her until she realises she is wrong. This is tough but as Ferris says we have a right to shout at her just because they are our parents dosnt mean that we have to put up with crap!
I dont know but my mum was aggressive,abusive and depressed the last 2 years and I went through hell NOW shes calm and appreciative she has her bad mood days but not like before so for now im ok but I know this is going to get worse and I will look after her until I can take no more without guilt. you say your mum dosnt have dementia are you sure? if not then this behaviour is not acceptable at least with dementia we know its not them but the illness if my mum was a bitch for no reason id be gone i can tell you! My advice is ignore her and walk away youd be amazed how they change when they are not getting thier way! I was a nanny and I can tell you NEVER did my kids go through the terrible 2's as I would walk away from a toddler everytime he played up after 3 days he gave up his mother asked me how come he didnt go through this phase "because i wouldnt let him"! Yep I see my mum as a little toddler who needs to be scolded sometimes its the only way i cope!
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I am sorry.I hear you! I finally had to give up.My mom is going to the nursing home this week.I am 51,my hubby almost 65.We are both so stressed!! My mom has dementia,and was a nasty woman before it ever happened.Some days are livable,but too many are not.We aren't gonna live forever,I would like to enjoy what we have left.Hubby had prostate cancer 2 years ago and we know how easily things can go bad!! Here a big hug,and all the people here are rooting for you.Don't let your mom steal your joy.XX
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tex - do you have any treatment for depression? Antidepressants can help and also therapy. Your mum sounds like a pip and that she needs to be put in her place by you drawing boundaries. Glad to read in a later post that you are doing this - keep it up. It will empower you and you will feel better. Not supporting you through rape is neglectful to say the least, if not abusive. Would it be better if your mum lived elsewhere - a seniors complex/assisted living? It sounds like having her under your roof is not good for you. ((((((hugs))))) you deserve a decent life. "When you say “yes” to others, make sure you are not saying “no” to yourself" Paulo Coelho.
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Hi Texarkana- I was born 64 years ago. 7 children; 3 brothers and 3 sisters. When I was born, it was like I was shot out of a cannon! I wanted to "know" everything, see other lands and investigate my world. I loved history, art and stories about adventure. Every day was "new" to me! I mean each 'day' was a "new life"! Sunshine was golden.. back then; the skies bluer... the snow deeper! What does this have to do with your "depression"?
I'll bet you can remember those endless days of youth when dreams were "possible" to achieve; when people were 'trusted' and when every task was given total attention. But then, life gets complicated when you begin to strive for "acceptance" from teachers or peers; struggle to get parents' attention or to be recognized for something you do well. Remember when that began to happen?
As a "poor" family maybe things were impossible because money was short. Growing up in a poor neighborhood (they say "ghetto" now) might have offered little opportunity or other disadvantages. Maybe parents had no time for me. But still, there was always the belief that you would conquer all these disadvantages and social fears.
As you progressed toward those dreams, perhaps tragic events led you to making horrendous mistakes of judgment. I wanted to be an artist, archaeologist, and perhaps, a writer. But then came alcoholism and the Vietnam War. After 29 months in combat, I was "home" to a place that made no sense to me.. bewildered beyond imagination. Everyone hated veterans back then! I was depressed between 3-6 months.. solid.. every single year. The war faded into the background... but still those remembrances make me question why I did things at 19; why did I survive when the best boys fell; how could I have done such a thing... etc. These are the building-blocks of a mighty fortress called "depression". I have found that "depression" has a life of it's own... and "it" wants to LIVE within you! I have had years of counseling, psycho-poop and every drug for depression known to man! They never took away that bleak depression living within me. The only 'cure' I have found is to focus on the present moment. When that dark voice tries to drag you back into "it's" life of the "past"... or it's fears of the "future".... just STOP! Nothing can be changed in the "past"! It is finished and over with... gone! When you realize that you have began having that shadowy dialogue, or wake up from that dark dream... just STOP it. Realize that THIS is the present and nothing can be resolved back there in the past! Pinch yourself. STOP the dialogue with that demon from Hell. The only way "it" can live, is if YOU give it permission by letting it continue to drag you down into it's slime. Take a moment and observe everything you can about the present moment... colors, objects... that old clock your father gave you... the tv program you were watching.. get into "the present moment"... and stay there! Don't succumb to the guilt, shame, resentments or blame that this darkness needs to continue living inside you! Starve it to death!
When you were young and developing your dreams, you were "living" in the present as you read and listened and watched for that opportunity. You were preparing for happiness.. and by doing that, you were happy! You was not depressed.
Maybe the darkness for me was not as dark as yours; maybe it was darker than you will ever imagine... we don't know that; but we know one thing for sure: that nothing can be gained by listening to that dark nature within that beckons to you with guilt, humiliation and despair in your past! Someone wrote long ago: "Be of good cheer!"
And actually, getting outside yourself by helping another person is the best way to "forget about yourself".
I truly hope that I have helped one small aspect of your problem. I know from experience how depression paralyzes every aspect of humanity inside us, and replaces them with fear... fear for the future... fear of what others see and think about us.. fear of everything! Tell it to stop. I lived like that from 1971 to 2006. Don't do that to yourself. You seem like a kind soul and a great person. Don't treat yourself that way. You don't deserve it. With kind regards, I wish you joy.
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My anger comes and goes.I do keep my distance as much as possible from her and after now almost a year of living with her I am actually getting better at setting limits and going on with my life.Her behavior is also adjusting as I have drawn my line in the sand.I could only just wishfully hope that I would have the kind of living situation she now has when I get her age or condition but I know that won't happen, I am an only child,have no children and she is also an only child.
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Why don't you yell at her? Just because she is your mother, it sounds like she could use some reality checks, and one is to tell her exactly what you have told us. If you could find another place for her to live, would you? If yes, then do it. Your health is more important than hers if you feel she has not deserved it. This thing that is between you two will eat you alive, and you will suffer healthwise. So tell her what you are feeling, and if she doesn't like it, then she can move. Why are you allowing her to make you miserable? Don't.
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Rape was involved and she turned her back on you? You hate her and yet remain in a situation where you're around her, allowing her to abuse you further, every day? Under the circumstances, depression is a sane and logical alternative to homicide which is what might happen if you relax your control. For God's sake get away from her and get therapy. Blessings to all of you to break this ugly cycle and soon.
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As I read your post I remembered why I started coming here. It was sanity saving. I could not speak about the reality with anyone in my family because I was the only one experiencing it.

Like your mom, my mom was completely sane. She was brutal. One day she said, "I don't know why I don't feel like I'm 50 anymore". She was 90 at the time and we were in our late 50s... feeling exhausted ourselves.

It's a strange time and I just want to say I agree with you 100 percent. Coming to this site to just say how it is and to find that others are sharing the same reality was sanity saving for me.

In retrospect the only thing I wish I had been able to do was to stick to some schedule for myself. You know... something like, come hell or high water, walk every day for 20 minutes. With mom's health, and her always afraid she was not quite feeling right, I could never stick with anything for myself.

My heart goes out to you, because your story sounds so familiar. You are trying to do the right thing and despite how you have been treated, you are trying to be the best possible person you can be, the best daughter... and you are doing that. At the end of the day I hope you feel peace that you gave it your all and that you did the right thing despite her.

When my mom got nasty, although it hurt just the same, I used to take a step back and observe... her, and that some day I may be feeling just as confused and scared and ... and... and... I don't know what, as she was feeling. I only hope that I'm never as nasty as my mom was, but you never know... until I'm actually as old as she was, I don't know how much I will be able to keep it together and be kind. That's my goal now.

Wishing you all the best and hope you know we are out here with you, thinking all day of your story and the thoughts you shared with us. My best wishes to you for a wonderful day ahead. :-)
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If your mother can take care of herself at all, look into independent living. Assisted living would be better but I can't afford it after having spent my future on my mother already. Mama can get up and down, use a rolling walker, take care of her own bathroom needs, wash her dishes, fix her coffee, reheat food in microwave, make her own bed. Mama would rather snack than eat a meal so I keep her in as healthy snacks as possible, take her a meal daily, take home her laundry, take her to doctor appointments. She was excited about her living situation at first, then began slipping into her old ways. I stand my ground and remind her that I am all that she has and that she is not allowed to treat me badly, take care of what needs to be taken care of quickly, and leave. Amazing how sweet she is the next day. If she has to live with you, I suggest you take the same stance. "Mother, I am all that you have. Treat me kindly." Then leave. Hope it helps. Nowhere in the Ten Commandments does God say to allow your parent(s) or anyone else to treat you badly. Mama's next move when she can no longer take care of her own basic needs will be to skilled nursing. I will not subject myself to her abuse again. Take your life back!
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A hug to you, dear. That fretting about getting things done could be dementia. I hope you can get some good drugs - legal ones of course - and feel better.

Yes, tell her she's free to live somewhere else if she doesn't like it here. LOL, or is it crying out loud?
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Oh yea I know the feeling. My mom has dementia and her personality has really changed for the worse.I put doors everywhere in my house and when she starts I close off the room I'm in and ignore her until I'm calm again.
Sometimes I put on music and dance or sing out loud.Not a pretty picture as I am 63,fat and tone deaf but it helps me keep sane and happy.
I play SIMS and happy,blissful life in a fantasy world for a few hours each night.
It's my way of escaping.Did I mention I am 30 years younger,live alone and the emperor of evil in this world? or that my palatial mansion on a calm and ever beautiful beach? You might laugh but it works for me.
One word of advice.What ever happened when we were younger is best put out of your mind. You can't change the past and dragging that baggage around with you will only destroy your future.If your mom for whatever must share a house with you just keep your interaction with her to a minimum.
Only talk when spoken to and do not initiate conversation unless necessary.
You are an adult.Let her know that if she abuses or offends you you will not tolerate it. You are "choosing" to be depressed by putting up with bad behavior.
It's time you took control of your life, don't you think?
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texarkana, when you say you feel depression "coming on again," does that indicate that you have been diagnosed for depression before? Were you treated? Are you in therapy or getting any treatment now? Like diabetes or COPD or shingles, depression is a medical condition and is treatable. The first way to take care of yourself is to get treatment.

Why aren't you screaming at her, "shut up for the love of god!"? Well, OK, may not those exact words. But if you are angry about her behavior, why are you stuffing it inside and hiding in your room? Do you feel like a teenager, too? What happens if you say, "Mother, I don't know when I am going to get to that. This is my house and I'll run it as I see fit. If that doesn't satisfy you, you are free to live elsewhere"?

Was it Dear Abby or Ann Landers who always used to say "Nobody can take advantage of you without your permission." Whoever said it, there is a lot of truth to it. Stop giving permission.

But whatever the relationship with Mother, please, please take care of that depression. Nip it in the bud. Don't let it get full-blown. You deserve to feel normal.
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thanks for the response.I actually just did simple things today,mostly housecleaning, at least all the laundry is done and the kictchen floor is cleaner.Your right,just get moving,it's better than just standing still.
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Texarkansas, I started to answer earlier, but I didn't know what to say. I know how you are feeling, but I don't know what you should do. The only thing I can do when I feel so bad is to get out and go places. When I'm feeling depressed, I don't want to go anywhere, but after I get out, I feel better. I put some music on in the car, then drive to be with people. I'm lucky to know some good folks at the Senior Center here and they can pick my spirits up in no time.

What I really wish is that I had someone here at home that would fill my need for company. But things here are not so good for me emotionally. I have to refill my emotional energies outside. Walking and exercise won't do it for me. I have to be part of a group of people enjoying each others' company. It makes me feel better.

My mother was a good candidate for world's worst mother, too. Sometimes I remind myself that she had me (loosely) for 19 years, but I've been taking care of myself for over 40. How bad she was has no hold on me anymore. I became a really good person despite of it all. And I'm determined to come out the other side of this as a really good person despite of it all. I have a feeling that if you are taking care of your mother now after all that happened, then you are a really good person. Caregiving has a way of reviving all the old issues from long ago. I am learning, though, that it doesn't help resolve the issue by dealing with our mothers. It does help, however, in letting us come to an understanding of the why. I hope that makes some sense.

The only thing I can suggest is to get yourself some me-time so you can refresh yourself emotionally. I hope other people will have some more ideas.
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