Mom died last week. I cannot get out of bed, shower or answer phone.

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I eat junk, hide under the covers, and cannot sleep at night.


So VERY sorry for your loss. It is natural to grieve. You may want to consider a grief counselor. Grieving is an ongoing process. It is different for everyone and the length of time varies as well. TRY getting up for a little bit of time instead of under the covers all day. You just may benefit from a grief counselor.
Try talking to your Mom as if she where there durring your everyday work. I talk to Dad all the time durring the day, while I am caring for Mom. It makes me feel closer to him even if he is no long physically here, he is always by my side helping me care for Mom just as he did for so many years. My prayers are with you, and take your time, people process their greif differently so don't let people make you think you "should be over it".
I cared for her for nearly 10 years. I know I was a good daughter but now I think I am just dead in every way. I do not know how to be happy. Mom died in her sleep. I wasn't there. I washed her hair the night before, gave her a milkshake told her I loved her. When I went back at 4 in the morning after the call I held her dead body for two hours wrapped in flannel blanket for Christmas and told her I loved her, closed her eyes and played her favorite cd. We had the wake, (very few people) and beautiful mass. I will get her ashes this week and am taking them to her childhood home. I have done this all alone for so long I lost myself. I do not want to talk to anyone on the phone now. Put up a good front but now feel like I am underwater. Still have paperwork to do for her even tho she was left with nothing from all years in nursing home. I just retired this past year so do not have a job to go to, husband gave me three days to snap out of it and get on with my life. How long will I feel like this?
Oh so wrong for your husband to do that!! I am so sorry for all you are going through. My Dad also died in his sleep and that helped knowing it was peacefull. When I got the call and went to the house, he looked like he always did sleeping. One hand over his forhead and one foot stuck out of the side of the covers. So I know he didn't know it was coming, which helped. So know even though you are suffering your Mom did not. I am sorry you are going through this alone as well. Like I said in previous post, try talking to your Mom as you go through her paperwork ask her questions and realy think what her answer would be, sounds funny but after a while you actually hear the answer in their voice and it's comforting. Also take comfort in knowing you had that special tender moment with your Mom just before she closed her eyes and went to sleep. Alot of people regret not having said "I Love you". You not only said it just prior to her sleep, but you also had the tender hands on moment of washing her hair, which I am sure she enjoyed more than you will ever know. My prayers are with you.
Desperation- I am so sorry for your loss. (((((hugs))))). Maybe you are being too hard on yourself. It has only been a week. You cared for your Mom for almost 10 years - I think you deserve at least a week to grieve. You may have bottled up emotions for those 10years too. It is hard being a caregiver. You may not just be grieving for you Mom but letting go of years of emotion.

Personally, I think going to a therapist is a great gift to oneself. Find one you really like- if you do not connect with your first try do not feel bad about changing. Sometimes it takes a few attempts at finding a good therapist. I know this from experience. But it will really really help. You mentioned you had a mass for your Mom- so I am guessing your are Catholic. I have turned to my priest in times of counseling and he was very supportive. I called the office and asked to meet and he was very kind.
But first I would -as hard as it may be- try to getoff the junk food. I totally do that-my therapist calls it carb loading-when you at depressed. Your body does crave those kinds of food.. It is hard to not eat them but if you can get your diet better balanced you -physiologically - will feel better. The same with exercise. Try try try to get up and walk for 30 minutes a day. It will make your body heal even when your mind doesn't want to. Depression is very physical. I would not worry about trying to "snap out of it". I would just try to walk for 30 minutes a day, eat a little better and then grieve the way I want. This is my opinion-this is what I would do. I think that as long as you are not harming yourself you should be able to set your own parameters of grieving.
Blessings to you.
I am so sorry for your loss. What a wonderful blessing that you were with your mother and giving her personal service right before the end.

You will miss your mother forever, and remembering the loss will always be painful, but it will become more manageable over time.

You are up and logging into this site. That is a good sign.

I don't know your husband's personality or his reasoning, but I know it would concern me very greatly to see someone I loved unable to get out of bed all day, unwilling to shower and take care of themselves, eating only junk, and unable to answer the phone. I would want that to end, too. It is not so easy to "snap out of it" but I understand the wish that it could happen.

You took care of your mother for many years. You need to turn those caregiving skills toward your own needs. You can get by on junk food for several days, but do start feeding yourself more nourishing food. Maybe not a big meal, but a cup of soup, then next time a piece of toast with peanut butter, hot chocolate made with milk -- think of some comfort foods that will give your body strength. Getting dressed and going for short walks will also be healing. If you don't answer the phone you won't have to deal with junk calls, but when friends call, try to talk to them briefly, even if it is just to say you aren't able to talk now and to thank them for calling.

You are a worthy, unique, caring individual. You deserve to take care of yourself, even if you don't feel like it right now. Surely it is what your mother would want. It is what your husband wants. And as a fellow-caregiver it is what I want for you.

My husband died last week. I find that keeping busy is therapeutic for me. Yesterday I spent getting pictures ready for the memorial service. What is good for me might not be good for you. Each of us handles our losses in our own ways. Cut yourself some slack. But do try to take care of your body even when your mind is in such pain.
Everyone grieves in their own time; you need more than a few days; give yourself permission to grieve for a long period of time -- especially with holidays. Don't beat yourself up or do what others think you should "get over it". Try to set small goals for yourself everyday (beyond the paperwork). Getting up; getting a hair appointment; going for a walk daily. Also, check with your local church, senior services center, hospital and get into a grief counseling group. This will allow you to be able to share your feelings anonymously and give and get support from others who are in various stages of grieving process -- they'll help you see a light at the end of the tunnel and that there is life after caregiving. You've done a loving thing for your mom; now take care of yourself so you can be the woman you want. You may need to meet new friends or connect with old ones -- join a book club, birding club, etc. when you are up to it. Reconnect with a neighbor and invite them to tea/coffee or a quick lunch out. You'll be back to your oldself or better self; give it some time and heal thyself. Just don't let yourself slip into depression; make sure you are connected to outside world and if its just too overwhelming after awhile --seek professional help from your physician or counselor. Many hugs!
I am so sorry for your loss. Take really good care of yourself now. You know that is what your Mother would want for you. You took care of her so lovingly all these years and now it is time to take care of yourself and your family in the same loving way.

My husband would probably react the same; not that he isn't loving and supportive....he is scared and worried about you. In his own way, probably grieving for your Mom as well. Both of your lives have changed and it takes time to adjust.

I agree with everything said above and pray you will soon find peace and joy in moving on.
Desparation: I too am so sorry for you. You have my deepest sympathy. I am new to this site. I, like you have cared for my mom for a very long time. Please, please get some help. I can only tell you by experience you are on your way to breaking. It happened to me two days after I had to put my mom in a nursing home. My grief was overwhelming. I had a physotic-break due to not eating enough or drinking. Potassium levels were "critical". It wasn't pleasant. My husband and daughter thought they were going to loose me. Had that happened they would have had extreme anger toward my mom, because they would have blamed my taking such good care of her and not of myself the reason. I don't know the relationship between you and your husband, but I know my husband loves me very much....but he basically told me the same thing a few weeks ago. He knows my moms dementia and decline are something I have to face and he wants me to get help for feeling as bad as I do (The folks on this site helped me see that I really did need to see someone). I was able to set up an appt with a therapist I had seen before, but I couldn't get in right away. I knew I needed help, so I called the social worker at the nursing home my mom is at. She was so kind and helpful. It was good to talk to her. I was able to see my therapist yesterday, and between this site and the help from the social worker and therapist, I can feel improvement. You just need someone who has the experience to help you. Your husband is probably like mine, he loves you but he can't take seeing you hurt like this. My husband watch me take care of my mom for 32 years. Then he saw me "break". I had to be hospitalized 3 days. Try to get some help. I'm sure some of these fine folks know of some other websites that can help you through grieving. Try to focus on your hubby now. If he watched you care for your mom for 10 years he's probably learned to live without his "wife" for a while. I know my husband has. I'm really trying to concentrate on him now. I do see the benefits of my mom being in the nursing home. I am able to now visit with her, but then I can come home, have dinner with him and I can spend a little time with him. Normally after our dinner, I'd go downstairs to get mom ready for the night, and I wouldn't be back upstairs for 2 to 3 hrs. By then the poor guy fell asleep, and I was so wrapped up in my mom I can see he was grieving for me. Try to get up, take a shower, eat, and get out and walk! It sounds nuts, but it helps. I fought having to take anti anxiety pills, but after the "break" I was on them for about 2 weeks. I'm doing much better, and I know you will be ok if you concentrate on you. You're husband will feel better too, because he doesn't want you to hurt. Grieving takes time don't expect to just "snap out of it", but you can get a hold on it. I've got a brochure that helped me cope when my dad died. If you'd like one let me know, and I'll give you my e mail address. Then I can send it to you. Please take care of yourself and keep in touch. Elaine
I too, am sorry for your loss. In due time, you will be more up to your old self. Your dh's timetable sounds like too fast. But he probably didn't know what to say. Best wishes.

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