Caregiver depressed from family.

Started by

I am a caregiver for about 10 years. I left my professional job to take care of mom.
I am taking care of mom 24/360 all the 10 years. My mother has dementia which caused a lot of stress to me mentally, emotionally and physically. when I loose my temper my sister and brother yelling at me and telling me I am so rude and then not talking to me. My sister telling me God will punish me for being rude. I know I should not Yale but I could not control myself. I feel I had been used by my family. they played game on me just to take care of mom to have their own life. I feel I have no life other than do dirty work cleaning bathroom, carpet....smell bad smells. I am not saying I do not want to help Mom. I love mom very much and I really want to take care of her until I die. but my family making things worse for me. They ignore my feeling and the stress I receive daily. All they do call and ask about how is mom and when they get mad at me they do not even call me on my cell phone to check about me and how am I doing after all this stress. They call home phone like telling me hey we are not talking to you. We call only to check on mom.

I reached to a point I am very tired. Now I am prediabetic and working on myself not to be diabetic. Now I told them I did took care of mom for 10 years now it is your turn. They do not want. My sister started to find a home caregiver and again I am the one who will supervise the caregiver to make sure will well treat mom.
I am very depressed. They showed no sympathy to me. All they care to help mom. I agree we should all of us to help my dear mom. My Mom spend all her life to take care of us. I love mom very much, I can not see the world without her even with her disease. but also I am a human I have a limit. I need support mentally and emotionally at least. they should ask about me ... about my feeling. .. showing care about me

when I told my sister you never give me a call to ask about me. Again I am not saying she is doing wrong to ask about mom and make sure she is well. I feel I am to her just a caregiver to mom. I feel she is selfish. She says she loves me. I know how a person love someone but I can not feel it

Please do not understand me wrong. I do love mom very much. I will never hesitate to be for mom for life.

I reached to a point to have suicide thoughts. I treated myself . now I learned how to tab my back and congratulate myself that I did and still doing a hard job . I congratulate myself that no one able to help mom as I did and still doing.

I am depressed I need to talk to someone I trust. to some one I can release the stress. I need someone to understand my feeling.


Ahh.. Hope I understand your feelings and am sure many here do as well. Suicidal thoughts are very serious.. you need a break and some professional help.. please don't try to treat yourself!

It is common.. unfortunately to find yourself all alone in caregiving.. with others not understanding the devastating impact of it on you. I have seen so many posts like is truly heartbreaking.

I also get calls from siblings and relatives asking about my PARENTS...and never about me.. and I know how much this hurts. We need care as well.. and for others to care about us. I was just telling my sister that this weekend the effect this is having on my life and health.. but it of course it flew right over her head.. or she just didn't want to deal with it.

Take any advantage of any outside help you can get.. if your mom can afford caregivers.. take advantage of it! I think you need a complete break from caregiving for a while though.. you are at a point where you have to save yourself!

I agree.. you need support mentally and emotionally.. YOU MATTER TOO! Come back and let us know how you are!

3931 helpful answers
Hi Hope14,

Your screen name tells me that you are an incredibly strong person who knows that while life is hard there still is good to come. Hang on to that.

First of all, God will not punish you even if you sometimes get short tempered. God is blessing you for all that you are doing for your mom. If you feel that God is your partner in taking care of your mom then you’ll know that God will support you as you seek some answers even if your family won’t help.

Your love for your mother comes through very clearly so no one should think from reading your question that you don't love her. You are simply at a stage that many of us reach called burnout. This is normal and human.

I'm sorry that your siblings don't help you with your mother or seem to appreciate what you do. Try calling your local Area Agency on Aging for help, or even just call social services and tell them that you cannot do this alone anymore. You need support from people who know what your community has to offer.

Tell your siblings that for your mother's sake as well as yours you are looking for in-home care or a nursing home for your mom. Many nursing homes are excellent and you'd still be able to go and do things for your mom and just visit her, but you'd be able to take care of your own needs as well.

Please think about how your mom would feel (if she could understand) about your sliding health. She'd feel awful. She doesn't want to wear out your health and she certainly doesn't want to think that she's the cause of your understandable depression. Getting additional help is for her sake as well as for yours.

Be firm with your family and tell them that you are taking steps for more care for your mom. If you can do so calmly, it may be more effective, but if you shout, that’s still okay. Just stay firm.

I think that your siblings do love you but they don’t want to take on the work involved with caring for your mom so they just stand back and pretend that by checking on her they are doing enough. It’s wrong but it happens to many families.

You’ll find support on Agingcare from many who are going through similar situations. I’d like you to see a counselor about your depression and have a full physical examination to make sure that all of your health issues are addressed. If you don’t know where to start, ask the social worker that you contact for your mom how you can help yourself, too.

There is no room for guilt here, Hope. You have done so much already and you aren’t abandoning your mom, you are looking for help for the two of you. If your siblings refuse just tell them that you’re moving on without their help. If they know that you won’t give in they may actually step forward and do something.

Please keep us updated on how you are doing.

katiekay and Carol thank you for your support. you both made me feel better that I am matter and God will reward me. Carol you may be right about my family love me. My sister told me before that God will reward you one day for what you do for mom. My brother told me many times that I am doing hard job and God bless me. I know I am depressed and feel lonely. I do not feel they support enough.
I told my family firmly that you need to be involved in caring of my mother. All I need to make them experience how it looks like when you care about loving one 24/7. of course they did not want. They think they do help mom and me enough. Any way I will work on finding help (caregiver helper) this is will make my life better and may be will improve my health. I am so tired and fatigue. I really need a break to recharge myself to be able to take care of my loving Mom. My Mom is the best thing happened in my life. She is very sweet and loveable. She was always there for me when I needed her. she was my true friend. I lost all this. but hey this is life. I will never give up on my mother. I will be for her.
The only mistake I had done that I accepted to do every thing by myself and made every one thinks this is my responsibility. But no regret. I know I am doing the right thing for mom and I know one day God will reward me back.
Again than you for your support.
3931 helpful answers
Hope14, I'm happy that our words can help some. I think that you'll find the regularly commiserating online with these great caregivers who know how you feel because they've been there will help a great deal. Please keep us updated.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support