Since my father moved in with me I have become depressed. I feel like I have no control.

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My 79 year old father has moved in with me a year ago and since then has become very confused of what day or time it is he also is very forgetful and becomes very mean with me when he loses his keys (punching walls or throws things at me...yes he is still driving. His license was suspended several times because he was passing out while driving. His Dr has filled out the dmv forms so he can continue to drive. He is also becoming very argumentative with me over everything. He is not clean on himself or his surrounds. I can no longer work full time because he get upset with me if i'm going for any length of time. I am becoming very depressed because I feel I no longer have any control.


You should check into a geriatric physician for your father. It sounds as if his current dr. is oblivious to the dementia. A geriatric dr. will be more qualified to deal with the issues related to the elderly and dementia. You need to remember that it is the dementia that causes your father to behave the way he does. This does not mean you have to live in an abusive environment. It may be time to have your father placed in a facility that is trained to deal with these behaviors. You should call 911 when he becomes like you described above. They will place him in the hospital and evaluate him. This is really the best thing you can do for him and yourself. None of this is a reflection on your ability to care for him. It is the disease and it becomes out of control for the majority of us to continue to provide 24/7 care for our loved one. Please take the time to read on this site under caregivers forum the discussion by Southlover, More violent outburst from dad, taken to hospital today, plans for nursing home on release. Your situation is not unique, it is quite common with dementia. Please keep us up to date on your situation, Hugs to you!!
I would agree he needs to see someone who can specialize in his care. There are psychiatrist who deal only with geriatrics or at least have a strong background in geriatric medicine. I would look into it. If a solution can't be found, I would say it is time to consider out of home care... Like a nursing home. I would also have a talk with his Dr and tell him your concerns about him driving. He should not keep making excuses for him or giving permission if he is not safe. Would the Dr like to explain to the family of someone your dad kills while driving why he (the Dr) kept allowing him to drive when he simply is NOT safe?? Take it one day at a time, one step at a time for now... but when is enough enough? He could really harm someone driving or just throwing the wrong thing in a fit of rage. Something to think about and take seriously. Be safe.
I also agree with the above comments. Personally, because of the the fact that there is so much violence involved I would see about putting him in a home where he can have the specialized care he needs, or if you don't want to do that you might be able to get him switched to a doc who will give him meds to help control his outbursts. (((Hugs))) going out to you.
Here is a link to different types of dementia. The Alzheimer's association website also has valuable information that could help you understand what is happening with your dad. One of the things I found that helped me out was learning all I can about Alzheimer's/dementia. It helped me to take my MIL's behavior less personally, although I know how it does still hurt even though it is the disease affecting them. God bless you for your good heart toward your dad. I hope you get all the help you can for not only him but yourself too. It is a journey that not all people can deal with because it is just so hard to deal with. Another thing that helped me was to get some counseling for myself too.
Everybody is telling you the same thing, and I agree! Your Dad clearly has dementia and his physician is endangering us all by keeping him on the road and by not diagnosing his condition. Protect yourself by drawing boundaries and stick to them. By giving up some of your income, you have already put your own future at risk. Get your life back. You will have to have a conversation with your dad (and other family members if they're involved) and spell out specifically what must change. If the changes can be made with your father living with you (ON YOUR TERMS), then fine, if not, he MUST move out. If he has the financial ability to so, find an assisted living community for him. If not, start the Medicaid application process. Start now.
On one hand you love him, that's why he is with you. He knows he isn't young anymore. He is angry. Have you tried to really talk to him? Or does he just walk away? Isn't Easy has a good plan, but it can be oh so hard to carry out. Were you and he close all along? Is this just recent? I will be praying for you situation and for your dad.
Oh jlm0423, I so feel your pain and I am almost in the same boat and I want to get off. As some of the responders know, my 90 year old father moved down here two years ago and we have a house together. He is in mid stages of Alzheimer's. He got angry in October and revoked the POA from my uncle and myself. None of the family can get any information from his doctors and it is so crazy frustrating. His license was revoked as the doctor who made the diagnosis wrote the State Medical Review Board stating he should not drive. He is determined he will get the license back and will not let me sell the car. He is angry and frustrated with how his life and health has become that he swears a great deal, slams his hands on a variety of surfaces and has thrown things but not many and not at me. The scariest is when he threw a knife in the sink and I have no idea why and neither did he. I am a depressive person at best and having to live like this is draining me dry. I know he would be happier in a ALF where there would be other people to talk to and activities to engage in. He is isolating himself more and more and is getting more depressed himself. We have virtually nothing to fall back on financially and I don't know if he brings enough in with retirement to afford an ALF.

I know I didn't give you an answer but I want you to know that I truly do feel your pain and wish I could help. Like others here have said, you are not alone.

IsntEasy, how does one start the Medicaid process? Can I start it without him?

Thanks everyone for your comments!

I am sorry you are going through so much, and you have definately come to the right place to vent. You asked about how to get the medicaid process going. When we applied for my MIL, we were able to fill the application out for her because they knew her state of mind. We got her on long-term care, and believe me it has been a God-send! It pays for what medicare doesn't cover, like prescription costs, for example. Here is a link I found that can help answer any questions you have about getting your dad covered.
Trust me when I say it is totally worth it to check it out, especially if your dad's finances are limited. My MIL is also on United Health Duel Care Complete, which is an extension of long-term care of sorts. When applying for that, they send a case worker to your home and meet with you and your dad to determine if he is eligible and the extent of care he needs. I even get paid through her insurance, which in turn, goes through a local caregiving agency here, to take care of her in my home. It's not much, but it was the only way I was going to be able to afford to stay home and give her the care she needs. I hope this helps you. God bless you and your dad too.
AZcaregiver, thank you so much for the information and the link. I am definitely going to start the process. Best wishes to you and your family!
My mom lives with me. I am very depressed. Very angry at my siblings (retired sister no longer wants to share in her care). My depression affects everyone. When I can leave the house, I don't want to, I am too depressed. I work full time from home. Mom can't find the bathroom and it is only a couple of feet away. She should be in a home, but she won't even discuss it. All she says is, "take me home." She thinks if she gets home, everything will be ok. My brother is retired too. I cried out to him for help but I have given up. No one cares. They just want to live their lives. My sister has POA. I cannot make any decisions.

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