Confused, alone, and feeling selfish......

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My name is Sarah , I am 23 years old, I finished high school at 16 so 5 years ago I was 2 years into a RN program at a great school, I was working, in college, and even had a home of my own, my mother had a massive stroke leaving her left side paralyzed I quit everything school, work, have up my home, and my life to give my mother 24/7 care at 18 and I swear I didnt mind Id do it all over again, in the last 5 years Ive found out I have psoriasis, an enlarged portion of my heart and I cant even afford to to go the dentist, my father and sister both work and live in the home, and they dont even try to help me I found a doctor that income based I remember 2 years ago I asked my sister for 20 bucks for an appointment , mind you she has a state job and had just gotten paid...she looked at me and said "you hhave the nerve to ask me for anything?" so I get no treatment for any of my conditions Ive seriously considered prostitution lol but I digress its arguments everyday, Im not doing enough, why dont I get a job...Ive gotten two jobs since Ive been there the first was a great job, my father said I couldnt drive his car that far the one he had "given" me ..so I had to quit before I started, then a year later they asked me to get cable in my name, and they let it get cut off and left an $800 bill in my name, a few months later a got hired at a federal job and most are credit based, the day I went to sign the last of the paper work I was fired because my credit score had dropped...so yet another disappointment courtesy of my family. So 2 years ago my dad started getting my my dressed in the morning so for the last two years I have just been sitting at home doing nothing...my life is in ruin, they work from 7-5, and 4-7 so Im always home alone...the vehicle i was using has broken down so the rare times I can get an appointment or the money to pay for it, I can barely get a ride...I hate my life I drink way to much , cry myself to sleep at night, and the kicker is...for the last five years I have begged and pleaded for my dad to consider home health care and he will not budge.....and about a year after my mom came home from the hospital, I had a terrible argument with my father, he even told me to pack my **** and get out of his house and as I was leaving he stood at the door and told my mother I was leaving because I didnt love her, and didnt want to take care of her anymore...I cant understand why he'd do that..so that is my reason for hesitation as far as leaving, I want a life, I sit in the house all day all night..alone....crying... Ive gained 100 lbs in 5 years...Im ready to leave Im trying to set up home health care for my mother, and I dont know how its going to go over, Im not sure where to start, I want to move to Richmond, Va , Ive had 4 offers from up there and Im excited about a few its only 1 and 45 minutes from my parents Id have weekends off and most of the summer ..Id be home plenty....So I guess my question is am I selfish for wanting to leave.....

23 Comments

And my question is, why are you putting up with this abuse? Yes, I know that you love your mother. But you say that now you are not actively involved in her care so much.

Go.

Go to Richmond (a charming city), take a good job, get benefits, get yourself to a clinic for counseling and medical treatment of your depression. Take care of YOU.

I suspect that your father and sister will take up the slack in caring for your mother, if they have to. Your presence is enabling their bad behavior. Go.

You are obviously extremely intelligent, finishing school so quickly. But you may not have relationship smarts. Being raised in that family that is understandable. What you think was/is the right thing to do was/is the wrong thing to do. Putting up with abuse encourages more abuse. Get out of there as fast as you can reasonably arrange it. If you have a friend willing to help you on your final day that may avoid Dad standing in the doorway.

Once you are out of that horrid situation your native intelligence and some counseling will help you develop an appreciation of normal healthy relationships. I'd say that is critical before even thinking of developing a close relationship that could lead to marriage.

Go.
Thanks Jeanne for the advice, I just found out about this site today as I was searching for how to get home health care for my mom, and I really wish I would have looked into support groups before now, maybe I wouldnt be as bad off as I am...I really do believe it will take me a long time to grow from this, since I was 12 years old my life has been an absolute nightmare. I have been through things most couldnt fathom, but somehow Ive managed to smile through it all. Im really excited about moving, but I do love my family and afraid that they'll stop communication with me, basically that I will be alone in the world i used to be brave, I used to have a smile that was breath taking..and as far as love I dont know if I'll ever be able to accept it, the past few years I have jumped from one abusive situation to the next, trying to numb my pain. Its just not fair.....
Abuse has done much damage to you, I'm sure. But it is most likely damage that can be repaired. Don't focus on what will be possible "ever" or "always." Focus on getting yourself healed right now, one step at a time, and let the future reveal itself in time. The longer you allow yourself to be abused, the greater the damage the harder the healing. Put an end to it now.

Continue to write and call your mother after you move. If someone intercepts her mail or the phone calls, you have no control over that. If she has a friend or a church group or even a book club you can contact, perhaps they would pass on cards and letters from you. Cross those bridges if/when you come to them. For now, start on the path of healing you.
That is so true, I think now Im just scared...I know I need help...but the whole situation just breaks my heart not sure why it has to be like this..and she has cataracts and it has greatly diminished her eyesight so she wont be able to read any letters..The church their apart of is an hour away so thats not any help, I guess I will just have to deal with the fallout as it comes like you said and just make sure she knows, but its already started since Ive been speaking of leaving, she asked the other day , why dont I love her, and I asked her where she got that idea, she just shook her head, her condition has left her very impressionable so the smallest snide comment and...I dont know what to do anymore, she's expressed the fact she doesnt want me to leave and wished I cared more, my sister has said in front of her that I was selfish and didnt care about anyone but myself and thats completely untrue said that I was using my father and her...and UGGGGHH!!!! my life sucks Im sorry to complain to you..its just nice to have someone to talk to about it.....
Sarah, if you weren't around, believe me your dad would find a way to take care of his wife. I agree, go live your life and come back to VISIT when you can. Doesn't mean you're forgetting your mom or throwing her out, you're just leaving the care giving to the person that should've been doing it in the first place.
Darling Sarah! You must resume Your life and education. You are special. Be that example for others by making the intelligent decision for yourself. We support you 100%, and we know. You are way too smart to continue in this. Let us know your plan very soon:) I bet it will be brilliant! xoxo
Sarah, when everyone is gone, go and pour your heart out to your mother and let her know you must leave; I do believe she will truly understand and want you to go. So go and take care of yourself, you can't give anyone a drink of water if your pitcher is empty. Find a way to communicate with your mother, perhaps a cell phone that only she has the number to, where there is a will there is a way. Don't spend another moment lost in this nightmare, go away where you will give yourself the time for the mud to settle and the water to become clear, wait for the right course to arise by itself, you can't do it there for sure, get some space and air and then you will get healthy and know what to do.
Thank you guys I swear I havent felt supported in my feellings in years I thought maybe I was being selfish , my father is a pastor, so he's always spouting biblical quotes at me ..honor thy mother and father and thy days will be long upon the earth , I just always have this guilty feeling, like I dont know, he says I wont get anywhere in life by abandoning my responsibilities , Im kind of forcing them into a home health situation I feel like if everything is okay now like why not let me go make a life so when the time comes when they "really" need my help I can afford it, and I wont be struggling trying to afford a nursing home, or letting them live in my home...I dont know just tired of feeling this way Ive given myself a one month deadline to leave whether they comply or not...what do you guys think?
Sarah: I agree: Go! Go! GO! but in the meantime, please do find some trusted person to talk to, - maybe your pastor or a close friend. When was the last time you have have a complete physical by your doctor? You sound very depressed & slowly sinking deeper. Now is the time to get out while there is a glimmer of hope & flicker of light at the end of the tunnel. I do believe your Mom will understand, & if not, so be it. Who will look out for your best interests if you dont or wont?

Congrats on getting your education! Woo-hoo for you! Keep at it...

Honoring or respecting someone does not mean that you allow the to walk all over you & take advantage of you. You are not selfish at all for wanting a life of your own. Yes it is going to be scary, most changes are scary. After all, you are facing the unknown, but where will you be in a year, or five years if you stay where you are?

There are lots of resources out there, it just takes some time to find them & ask about them & those that cant help, ask them if they know just who else you could contact.

You said you've given yourself a month... I sure hope & pray to hear a month from now all about your new & exciting life!

You are in my thoughts prayers!
Find the site about Detachment. I just started reading it. I don't think that I can post a link.

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