Can't stop being angry at my mother.

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Years ago my mother did something that for me severed the bond of mother and daughter.Our relationship over the years has been polite but not close.However,now she has had to move in with me,I am only doing this out of a sense of duty.I have tried not to feel the way I do but I am losing.My day basically consists of doing the things that need to be done for her and otherwise I just live in my bedroom.I am eating myself to death.Things I used to enjoy no longer interest me.Basically she has the run of my whole house.If I hear her outside her bedroom I hide in mine.This is no way to live.To me there is no talking this out.She did what she did.I know the past can't be rewritten but nothing I say or do is going to change this narcissistic passive-aggressive person now living in my house.I can't get past what she did because it just revealed what kind of person she is.

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OMG texarcana, your life sounds like mine. I, too, do what I have to do to keep her safe and healthy but the rest of my life is spent in my room. I also try not to feel this way but I find it hard to feel a sense of closeness to my mother. I never have I don't think. Trouble is, I have to be the one to care for her as she is an inconvenience to everyone else's lives. My only respite is the hours I have at my PT job. I haven't figured a way out of it yet. Finance is always and issue for any other kind of care.
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Mom moved in one year ago and took over my home, my thoughts, my marriage, my LIFE as she did my entire growing up years. She was abused by my Dad and I experienced that abuse right along with her as. I know she had no control over my Dad or her situation but as a result of this abuse I think I was horribly neglected. I couldn't talk on the phone without her listening, she manipulated, and my very thoughts were scrutinized the entire time she lived with my husband and I. Her manipulation included taking pot-shots at me continuously in ways that would only be apparent to me and her - passive/aggressive? To everyone else she "appears" so sweet and nice but I'm the only daughter and noone knows what I have been through. She studied me for the entire year she was here and she learned from me how to be close to my children and Grandchildren and I yes I am resentful and angry that she took on my identity!! I wish I didn't feel like this - I continue to make sure she is taken care of and has a nice apartment now. My husband and I take her to church every Sunday and I try so hard to be a good daughter but I fall short due to how angry I feel.
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Hey, countrymouse, when you are in an abusive mother situation, you are torn between the ideal of the office of mother and the reality of this evil being who gave you her DNA. It's a hard place to be, trying to balance taking care of yourself and setting boundaries, and trying to satisfy societal expectations and the ideal of saintly motherhood. It is very hard to reconcile this without having close family who supports you, a therapist or two, and perhaps a prescription for antidepressants.
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My mthr and I (notice, she's missing something inside) parted ways 8 years before she needed major help. I worked a lot on my mental health in that time, and it was the healthiest time in my life. Then APS called, and I gained 10 lbs in the next month, just thinking about her. I understand your situation. I check into my online support group for my abuse issues on a daily basis!!

So we brought mthr "home", but took her straight to a memory care facility where she could not escape. I've gained another 30 lbs, and I'm in therapy, have her in a home, etc! I understand wanting to protect yourself from the evil.

You screwed up by allowing yours into your home. As Dr. Laura says, she tore up her mother card a long time ago - so it's time for you to grow a backbone! (Dr Laura's radio program can be listened to online pretty cheap if you need some extra support) I call my mthr her first name since I don't feel she is anything but a bio mom. That helps me with reality vs perceptions. And by referring to her as mthr in writing makes it plain that I'm not talking about the sweet one most people have. "When mothers were being passed out, I was in the wrong line."

You are going to have to get that woman out of your house. There are going to be several methods of good riddance. I searched this forum for evil mother threads, and they are out there. Ignore the sweet gals who make you feel like you are the bad one. They don't know what evil is. You need the hard line to protect yourself!

You can get that woman into the ER and admitted one way or another. A physical injury, suspected flu, or a threat to kill herself work equally well. Once she's in, you refuse to take her home, and the social worker will get her a placement. She may be on medicare, and a ward of the state, but that is ok - that is what they are there for, when people come to the end of their options. And she's done.

Don't give her the chance to accuse you of elder abuse. She will try if she is there long enough. You must get rid of her, the sooner the better. Prepare yourself. Document every thing. You can do this.
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I'm probably being too literal, but what I have real trouble with understanding is how you reconcile "my mother did something so dreadful years ago that it made me realise what a terrible person she was and sever the mother/daughter bond" with "then I let her move in with me out of a sense of duty." I don't see how both of those statements can be true. Either 'severance of bond' or 'sense of duty.' These, to me, are mutually exclusive concepts.

Does your mother know how you feel about her?
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Get her OUT. There is a poison in your home and it is going to eat you up. Too many caregivers die before their patients.
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I think you need to get out of this situation. I don't care if it means sending your mom somewhere, or hiring someone to come in and help, but you can't go on like this. If it isn't financially feasible to get help right now then you have to at least create a life for yourself away from your mom. Your mom sounds well enough to be at home by herself while you go out. Don't stop being active and don't stop being a part of the outside world. My mom holed herself up in her room and found comfort in food when she was caring for my grandma. My mom got sick and died before her own mother and my family feels the stress of looking after grandma contributed to her ailing health. I don't want to see any more caregivers go down this path.
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Forgiveness:

I would first say, forgiveness and reconciliation are two different things. I personally do not define forgiveness as me absolving another of their sin against me. I do not feel I have that authority. I define it as asking the Lord not to hold their sins against them. After all, they all are ultimately against Him (of course, for those of a Xtian background; for those not, my apologies for any line crossing in trying to gently touch on the subject). I wouldn't want mine held against me and would want that peace of mind with the One who matters, so equally I pray he does not hold others against them. But doing this does not mean I have to be reconciled to them and especially if whatever the activity is, is continuing. Too many will say Love hardly notices a wrong done, but the key there is hardly. It didn't say we didn't notice at all. We try to look past it for as long as we can. But sometimes you have to walk away.

We all have an advocate with the Father who knows the details as intimately as we the individual does. So, you are not alone in understanding the circumstance. He knows it all too and more.

I don't know your situation but I do understand it in part from what you've shared. You're not alone.
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I very much agree with Veronica91 and it would make our lives much easier if we faced things the way she is suggesting. We get a lot ideas drilled into our heads about what we're supposed to think and do and it really does a number on us when we take care of a parent who has been cruel to us.
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Why does everyone think that they love these horrible women who gave birth to them while they freely admit they don't like them. I can understand the feeling of obligation to care for a mother because she gave them life but does love come into it when she ruins so many lives for her own selfish needs. I did not like my mother for most of my adult life and eventually concluded I did not love her either. I was really fortunate that she was independent up till the day of her death at age 69. There is no way I would have cared for her under any circumstances. I would have felt obligated to make sure she was safe and well taken care of but beyond that absolutely not. If this sounds harsh it was meant to be. People come on this site and tell the truth about themselves and their situations. If I am poking a stick in a hornets nest that was my intention so bring on your opinions.
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