I'm not sure I can do this anymore. I need help tonight!

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My mother has lung cancer and is in the care of Hospice. I'm her daughter and caregiver. I moved in with my parents a month ago. So I could take her out of the nursing home and get her better. Two weeks ago they found out she had cancer that had spread from her bone cancer she had gotten in her knee. They replaced her knee and said she was cancer free. Now its in the lungs and in two weeks I have watched her go from going back and forth from wheelchair to hospital bed to now she can't get out of the bed she is so weak. She is a minister's wife and knows where she in going when she dies. There is no doubt about it. My problem tonight is that I'm doubting my faith. Hospice has taken her off all of her meds except the nausea med and the morphine. She begs Jesus to plea take her. She's ready. She is in so much pain before I give her the pain med. All she says is :Let me die" or "Please let me go" some version of that. Question: Why doesn't god just take her. She has done Gods work all her life, why is letting her suffer?. I don't understand. I used to tell her that God must have something more for her to do. But not at this stage. Or I would make a joke about maybe god is still doing the final touches on her mansion. Hospice wants me to double her meds and that would leave her in zombie state. Which I know she hates. But the are concerned with making her comfortable, which I do understand. But I'm questioning should I let her be a zombie where she won't be able to talk with my sister and brother or any of the many visiters that she comes from church to see her. Is that fair to her that she can't communicate when your zonked out. I have been reading the web page for months now and I know there are a lot of Christians here. Please help me not to lose my faith. (my dad is getting some form of dementia so he's not rational or any help. My next patient will be him.)
Feeling sorry for myself.


God has given you the ability to ease her pain. I can't imagine not increasing her meds. I didn't know that hospice would even give you the option of what to administer. My heart goes out to you, but they have to make her comfortable.
Would you want to be "all there" and endure that pain? I know I wouldn't. Let them medicate her until she's in little or no pain, even if it makes her a "zombie" - even if it's only at night so she can sleep. If she has a visitor coming whom she won't see again or who can only visit occasionally, the staff can try to time her meds so she's not totally out of it when that happens. But the rest of the time, it's OK if she's in a fog. The pain is truly excruciating, and yes, the power is in the hands of the staff - and through your OK - to take that away. Don't feel guilty easing her pain - and you're not robbing her of lucid moments. You're saving her from horrible pain.
I read on here not long ago that fighting pain may keep some people alive, and that when the pain is relieved, they can let go. I do not know the truth of this, only what I've read. It is a tough decision -- to ease her pain or to let her visit with her children. Maybe you can find a balance so that both needs can be met by easing the pain most but not all of the time.

God be with you and let the Holy Spirit bring wisdom so you will know what to do.
Praying for you and your Mom ( and Dad and family), swinchester. God is there with you now and He is with your Mother. Be still, listen for His quiet voice. Trust in Him. We know not why He does what He does but God loves you and your Mom and is there right now with you both.

As for the medication-Did she say she wanted to talk to anyone? If not than I think you should let her poor body rest.
My deepest sympathies for all your pain and you are all in my prayers.
Mishka, does your mom have some favorite hymns that she really loves to hear? Are there verses that bring her comfort? Has she asked for her Pastor or a certain special someone that she finds to be very Christian or Spiritual and therefor comforting? Is there anyone she has been asking for?

Are you aware of anything that she may feel is left unfinished? The ties to this world are very strong, stronger than most realize. The slender threads that bind us here are like steel. I know a son, a friend of mine, whose father was struggling to leave this world, physically struggling. He and his father had always had a difficult relationship, but he spent the last few months helping his mother care for him in hospice. On this last night as his father struggled so mightily, he held his father's hand and talked to him and told him all the things that he did right as a father and how at the end his father did make him feel loved, and then he gave his father permission to leave. His father took one last deep breath and then he was gone.

Find out who she feels the need to see, who she may be worried about, find out who needs to see her, and get these visits finished. To many visitors in and out of the room tie her here and make it impossible to slip away. Let things quiet down. Unfinished business can also hold her here, is All accomplished in her mind? It can be something financial, perhaps something in the Will or Not in the Will.

Begging Jesus to take you, and being ready to go 'Home' are two different things. For decades I had ALWAYS thought of myself as ready to go Home to Jesus at any time, but when lying on a gurney and being rushed upstairs for an angiogram on an emergency basis I suddenly became how aware of how not ready I was and become so very incredibly afraid I found myself sobbing hysterically and David was holding on to me tightly, trying to calm me but he was wasn't able to help me and even made it worse. He's an agnostic and quite likely an atheist. I discovered that I had more studying to do. So give her a chance to talk to someone she trusts, and offer to read any parts of the Bible to her that she wishes to hear.

Don't worry Mishka, God will receive her, as soon as she is ready to leave.

And Do medicate her pain. It's more unfair for her to be in pain, let her be comfortable and at peace. There can be a happy medium. She doesn't have to be drugged out of her mind. Talk to the hospice nurses.

p.s. just as my faith can falter and your faith can falter, so can your mom's. being a Pastor's Wife doesn't mean a hill of beans, each of us are human after all. It doesn't mean that her address will be different, her room is being readied, His blood covers all. :)
Ooops! I wrote that to Mishka and it's supposed to be to swinchester! Yeah, it's way to late at night to be writing stuff. I apologize!!!
It's not God who is to blame for all our sickness, pains, etc...Adam ate the forbidden fruit and condemned all mankind to death. That's why Jesus had to come to earth to sacrifice His life so that we may have everlasting life. Hence the Easter celebration. If you look into the Book of Job, you will see that it is Satan and his demons that are causing the problems on earth. With that said, your mom is suffering so much in pain. We live in an island that has a very high rate of cancer. I've had acquaintances who had brain cancer. I understand that towards the end, she kept screaming for relief from the pain. I've been in the hospital (mom), and we could hear this man yelling for help because the pain is so bad. The nurse told us that he had cancer and they can only give him the painkiller at certain prescribed times. So, when the meds wear off, he is in excruciating pain that he's yelling for hours until the next med time. I remembered thinking that this is a very good time for him to be given marijuana as a way to put him in "la-la land" so that he cannot feel the pain. I will always remember him yelling, begging for help and how the nurses can continue as if nothing is unusual. Truly awful.

If I ever get cancer, I would not want to die with my very last thoughts of pain. I would like for once, to have one very good thought before I die. I came to this decision as I heard that poor man begging and screaming for help for hours.

Swinchester, please think of your mom and give her the dignity and peace of her last days here. This is a time to reassure her that her God is there for her. Read from the Book of Psalms. You may have doubts about Him, but please help your mom to go to Him.

My mom has died recently. For a few weeks before her death, she was struggling to breathe. On Sunday, I texted all my siblings that mom is close to the end and that she may not make it in 6 days. My siblings dropped everything (well except baby sis). Older sis left Colorado on Tuesday, and arrived home on Wednesday. My 2 brothers (Texas and Virginia) left on Thursday, and arrived here on Friday. Baby sis couldn't find a flight out on Saturday, and ended up leaving on Monday, arriving here on Tuesday. During that time, mom struggled in her breathing in the mornings. Sis didn't make it in time. Mom died at 4pm, sis arrived at 6pm. Each of us told our mom that it's okay to go. We followed the advice here to not hold her back by crying or telling her in any way not to go. We reassured her that it was OK to go.

I'm so sorry that you're having to go through this. I was sooo stressed when I thought I would be the one to be here as mom was dying. I have told everyone here on AC and to my siblings that I cannot handle being here when mom dies. I was so relieved when older sis came and took over with the caregiving until the end. I feel for you, Swinchester. {{{ HUGS }}} from across the ocean.
Hugs to you (((((Swinchester))))) It's such a matter of personal faith, but here's what I've come to feel observing death within my own family life. A death isn't about only the one who is dying but all those connected to that person as well. The dying time is a crucible that tests and changes everyone involved as well as about the person dying letting go. There is much we simply cannot know from our vantage point. I agree with everyone else though that unless your mother needs to be lucid for a particular visit it is better to let her have enough meds so she isn't in pain. Also if she's mentally clear enough she could make her wishes known too.
I have been praying for you and your mother. Please let us know, how things are.
I just went thru the same exact situation. My mom passed away March 6th 2013 with hospice. She was only on hospice for 1 month. It was hard to accept that they were there just to make her comfortable and not to try and save her, but my mom was also ready to die and go home to God. I wanted them to give her IV fluids as she was dehydrated but she was dying and they just wanted comfort for her. I know how hard it is for you, but if they gave you a book on teh final stages of life and the dying process, you will get a better understanding. We as caregivers try to "Save" and nourish someone we love. Only God knows when their time comes, but Hospice was a blessing for my mom and our family. Just be there for her and you will be assured they you made the best decision for her to die at home. You will have no regrets and I am sure she is going right to heaven. God bless you and your mom. Do not doubt what is happening. All things happen for a reason.

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