I'm not sure I can do this anymore. I need help tonight!
My mother has lung cancer and is in the care of Hospice. I'm her daughter and caregiver. I moved in with my parents a month ago. So I could take her out of the nursing home and get her better. Two weeks ago they found out she had cancer that had spread from her bone cancer she had gotten in her knee. They replaced her knee and said she was cancer free. Now its in the lungs and in two weeks I have watched her go from going back and forth from wheelchair to hospital bed to now she can't get out of the bed she is so weak. She is a minister's wife and knows where she in going when she dies. There is no doubt about it. My problem tonight is that I'm doubting my faith. Hospice has taken her off all of her meds except the nausea med and the morphine. She begs Jesus to plea take her. She's ready. She is in so much pain before I give her the pain med. All she says is :Let me die" or "Please let me go" some version of that. Question: Why doesn't god just take her. She has done Gods work all her life, why is letting her suffer?. I don't understand. I used to tell her that God must have something more for her to do. But not at this stage. Or I would make a joke about maybe god is still doing the final touches on her mansion. Hospice wants me to double her meds and that would leave her in zombie state. Which I know she hates. But the are concerned with making her comfortable, which I do understand. But I'm questioning should I let her be a zombie where she won't be able to talk with my sister and brother or any of the many visiters that she comes from church to see her. Is that fair to her that she can't communicate when your zonked out. I have been reading the web page for months now and I know there are a lot of Christians here. Please help me not to lose my faith. (my dad is getting some form of dementia so he's not rational or any help. My next patient will be him.)
Feeling sorry for myself.