I am burnt out, and I feel like no local resources can give me the answers I need. I can't abandon my mom.

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This is part rant and part question. I have been a live in caregiver for my mom for 2 years now. She has vascular dementia. I actually own a home out of state and left my life and job to care for her. Long story short, after fighting a lawsuit against her brother who stole a large amount of money, and working with elder law attorneys to get her finances up to speed, I have tried twice to move Mom out of state to assisted living near me. Both times failed. I contacted my local caregiver resource center to ask for help since they offer classes and counseling. I "qualify" for counseling but was put thru the ringer with questions like, "Why don't you just move back to your state if you are so miserable and depressed caregiving?" (I am an only child and my father is dead) I said there is no one to care for my Mom. "Well have her get a reverse mortgage and call APS." I said, can you tell me what would happen if I do that. 'The county comes in and cares for her." But how? People in white coats come in and take her where? "They just take care of it." I try to tell her that I can't just abandon my Mom, can you?........Anyway, she made me feel as if I was weak and wrong for not living my life, and made me feel worse for asking for help. Asking for someone to talk to. I have asked doctors and lawyers and social workers and no one can tell me in a clear way exactly who determines incapacity and then what happens. And then, insurance doesn't cover care anyway as far as I understand. Thanks for listening, this site has been great.


You tried to move her twice and it didn't work out. What were the obstacles? Does she not want to move, and she is still considered competent to make her own decisions? Or were there other factors that prevented the move?
She had overwhelming anxiety and confusion when we tried to move, so much so that she wouldn't unpack and ended up falling because she woke before dawn. Also, it is a huge financial chance to move her out of state. I think I have finally just resigned myself to move near her and start fresh. I doubt she would be considered competent. But my complaint/question is, who determines these things and how do they get implemented? the caregiving resource center made me feel horrible, when I actually feel honored to be able to care for my Mom, I just need help.
Where did she fall? In a motel along the way? In the assisted living facility? How long did you try before giving up?

Have you discussed this with the doctor who is treating her dementia? I wonder if some medications might help her over the worst of the anxiety about the move. Would the anxiety lessen and go back to baseline after she settles in? These are things I don't know, but would be worth discussing with a specialist in that disease.

When you got her finances up to speed, did you discuss with the lawyer the possibility of applying for Medicaid? Or can mother afford to bring in care people in addition to you?

In your opinion (and you would certainly know best, having lived with her for two years) does your mother need 24/7 care and supervision? Do you leave her alone while you work all day? Go out for a few hours? Run short errands? What does her doctor say? Does he/she consider Mom competent to make her own decisions? You are going to "move near her" -- does that mean she can stay in her own home alone, in your opinion? What kind of help will she need?

Usually people with dementia reach a point where they can no longer live alone. Often they later reach a point where they cannot live with a single caregiver but need extensive professional help or to be in a care facility. Where do you think your mom is on this spectrum?

I am very sorry you had an unpleasant and unhelpful experience with the caregiving resource center. Please provide some more background about your mother's needs and her health, and perhaps the experienced caregivers here can be more helpful.

iam finding that every state seems to a program for financial assistance but New York so if you are any where else contact the dept. of aging,

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