Caregiver burnout and need a break!

Started by

Hi all I have talked about this before on this site and here it goes.: I was looking for a person on here that is going through the same/ similar issues as me. I found something on here that talked about no one can be a caregiver 24/7 days well I am that one person! My mom is 95 going on 96 next month and let me say that its been tough. I have been doing this caregiving since 2002 and after the surgery (in 2008) things changed she is on a walker and has a ostomy bag and does not want to do much meaning her exercises, dr. appointments or go to the day center which is only 1 day a week. Her health is ok for her age but all she wants to do is sit in her chair and watch tv I am trying to keep her mobile because what they say use it or loose it. And were we live we have stairs 13 of them and if she does not want to go down well she will lock up her legs and won't go down and we just moved here in 2013 and she can do it only if she wants to go. I have asked for help in the house and I never here back from the people and I do follow up I am able to go out to do errands but not be gone to long. I have a couple of neighbors that will sit at the house for me to do my errands but that's it. We have NO FAMILY in our state and my friends well I guess that I blew their ears off don't here much from them or don't always want to here me talk about my mom issues. I have done respite a couple of times but that was very hard to get her to go this last time she did want to get out of the car ( And I was moving to our new place) then tried t make me feel bad that I took her there. And I tried to find a place that had a elevator no luck come to find out on the news that were we used to live had a electrical fire in the walls. Guess it was time to go. I have a lot on my plate and have managed to handle it as best as I can many people would have given up and put their parent in a home I am trying NOT to do that. I feel that I need to get a break before I have a breakdown then I won't be no good to the both of us I try to talk to her about it I call it a "vacation" she shuts off the hearing and won't say anything or say just take care of me you are my daughter well that's what I've been doing. my friend said that even iron gets tired and breaks down wow you are right. Besides the mom issues I have a son that has a disability that I keep up with ( he lives in a group home) and another one that lives out of state ( that a whole another story) put they are my kids and well I try. And I am taking a online course for medical coding ( I've been on my own spring break it's was getting to hard could not concentrate but I am ready to get back at it .) Back to the issue how can I get her to let me have this break I know what to do and where she can go it's a matter of her being willing to do this. I think she thinks that I wont come back but that s not true for many reasons that I will not say at this time.After her birthday next month I will try to make plans to do this respite adventure. I just need to vent a little and I hope that I did not make to many typos LOL.And before I end this story I am a 55 years old and want to turn it up a little not to have to drain the bag cook dinner ect .....just do me what ever that is and know that she will be taken care of and maybe visit her or not I want to get on a plane and go visit a friend or go see some family some thing different beside the normal ssdd thatmeans same s.. different day hope that when I do get my break it won't be spent in the hospital because there are some things that I need to take care of for my health so if that's what it is well I got it done. Been putting it off to long anyways. Well I will close for now going back to bed mom will be getting up soon. God bless all of us caregivers we are a unique group of people because everybody can't do this. :-)Peace.....

10 Comments

You absolutely deserve a break. You need a break. If your mom doesn't have dementia are you able to just talk to her and express to her that you need to get away for a little while? I understand you have to have her cooperation in order for her to stay in a facility while you get respite but what you don't need is her permission. Try to approach her one adult to another. Tell her that you love her very much but that you need some time to yourself, everyone needs time to themselves occasionally and you want to rest easy knowing that she is OK. Tell her that it would help you if she would do this for you. Don't plead, don't cross the line where you find yourself asking mommy if you can go. Be very matter-of-fact and ask for her cooperation. Have a Plan B if she balks. Plan B may be hiring someone to live-in until you come back. Which would your mom prefer?

Have a wonderful, peaceful time when you go. You deserve it.
I echo was Eyerishlass said. You sound like you're trying your best and it just sounds like you need a break. Don't try to get her to go anywhere -- just find someone to come in for those 10 days. Introduce them ahead of time and make sure you feel comfortable with the person's ways of dealing with your Mom and you can go and feel a bit of relief over it, too.
Thank goodness, didn't know other people were stuck 24/7 with no break, but have no finances to work with either. Am also going through a disability appeal that is taking forever, so am too sick to do housework sometimes much less go anywhere. Just needed to vent. Sigh. (
Same here - stuck 24/7 with my mother, and I quit work to be here. My brother thinks 3 or 4 hours break every month or so is plenty for me and my husband to get away together. You're not alone.
It is so sad that most people have no conception of what a stressful, demanding job it is to be a caregiver...particularly for those of us that do it 24/7. I just can't seem to get other family members to understand. They think I am whining. I also have a pending disability appeal that is taking forever. If it is approved I plan to take the initial lump sum & move far away so I can have a life to call my own again. My aunt & uncle's children will then have no choice but to do something. I do get paid but get no appreciation.
I'm taking care of my mom she move with us after her health decline at assistant living facility. It's only been 2 months. It use to be justy husband and I. So I know how you feel. You would think I'm the only child. I am not in the best of health. I had breast cancer 2 years ago. Now I found another lump. Injured my back and now have to go to PT. I think she cares but she will walk for the therapist all around the house 10 feet or more, but when I ask her to walk she can't walk 2 feet. So May God bless all of you and keep the faith.
Hugs, Aigner...
I feel you, we all need a break sometimes. Some nights I get only 3 hour of sleep because my mom doesn't sleep at night she naps in the day time. Let's pray to God for strength for all of us.
Taking care of an aging loved one is challenging and stressful in itself what more if you provide care for 24/7. I feel sorry for you and you certainly deserve a break. Too much stress brought about by caregiving can be detrimental to your health and can hinder you from becoming an efficient caregiver.
I hope everything will work out just fine for you and you'll get the break that you deserve.
Contact her doctor and ask if they will have a Hospice evaluation done for her. Hospice has opened up to not only terminally ill patients but also patients with Cardiac problems, Dementia, Alzheimers, and various medical problems. Once you are on the program they bring in help so there is no longer dr visits to worry about. They give 1 week a month of off premises respite care. It also opens up help at reduced rates for caregiving through other programs you will then be available to such as CCSP. There is help out there, you just have to dig it out and that is the hard part. I also take care of my mom and have since 2002, only got mom on this in the last 6 months, they refused her 6 months before that.... keep trying. It has changed my life on taking care of her. I may not have all the help I desire but I do have a backup plan when needed. Now... start digging - you will find answers.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support