Betrayed

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I have cared for my 91 year old mother for 16 plus years. She is a very difficult combative angry personality. Recently my alcoholic sister started criticizing everything thing about her care, and telling me that I was doing everything wrong. My mother always got beautiful care, home cooked meals, clean room, laundry, and I also acted as her healthcare aid. She lives with me and my family for the last 13 years. We had purchased her and my fathers house from her and spent 200K on upgrades so she could stay in her home. Now my sister questions the house claiming we were given a free home and me and my family have spent all her money. My mother doesn't have money. She lives on 1500 per month. Plus she is a severe diabetic atleast 3000 or more a year was spent on her medical. We have given her a beautiful home, but I am 56 and have a few issues myself and finally need a break now and again. My mother totally resisted saying "why do you need a break what do you do for me? she has said hateful things now for years...and done hateful things. Now my sister is saying we got a free house, spent all her money and abuse her. A huge fight ensued and the police were called by my sister. They found my mother to be in great shape and look great for 90. This is all over money. Now my mother lives with my sister and has totally disowned me and my family. My mother and my sister's family are spreading vicious rumors about us. Neighbors, friends, relatives and my mothers doctors, nursing home personnel have all said what great care my mother has always got. Me and my family are stunned and betrayed. Anyone out there been thru this or similar? Any words to help. Thanks.

45 Comments

Betrayed, what an awful situation. When I read what you wrote, I wanted to hunt your sister down and kick her butt. Strange she should do this after 16 years. Where was she before now? and why did she suddenly start to do this? I know there is nothing we can do to really help, but vent away.
Thanks for your post JessieBelle. My sister always flew under the radar. Only showing up when it was convenient for her. Funny, tho she always found her way here for the holidays!!! of course, to see her mother acting like the dutiful attentive daughter. Other than that she has been an actively drinking alcoholic who always acted like my mother was my responsibility because she and her husband would always say "you got the house you got ma". I feel so used and betrayed. My heartaches for my youngest son who witnessed the whole fight and is in a state of shock that his nana has sided with someone who never took care of her or cooked her or had her over for a meal. They emptied her bank account within 15 hours of my mother being there, went to a lawyer within 5 days and had my poa revoked, changed the will, brought the police to my house to retrieve papework i.e. life insurance policies which would be the only money, because as I said before my mother doesn't have any. I really feel used. thanks for the shoulder --- boy could I use one
Big Hugs to you betrayed for all you have done for your mother. I wish had words of wisdom to pass on to you but I don't. It sounds like your mother made her choice which is typical of a difficult personality...they think the grass is always greener on the other side. In time she will probably insist on coming back to live with you, a choice you will have make. In the meantime, the only thing I can come up with to stop the vicious rumors is to go to an attorney with the documented info you have about your mother's care while living with you...have them send your sister a letter with the documentation insisting she stop her vicious rumors unless she wants to deal with a slander/libel suit. Bullies can be stopped in their tracks by confronting them with truth with legal aides behind you. Hang in there and let us know how your situation is progressing. Hugs!!
One thing I wonder is if your mother could have been telling her things when you weren't listening. That happens so much. I used to overhear my mother talking to my aunt sometimes, making up things as she went along. Fortunately, my aunt knew nothing was true, so I just shrugged it off. Sometimes old people do that as part of a game they play. Sometimes they even start to believe what they say, and convince others that their child caregiver is up to no good. Do you think this could have happened?
Oh yes we definitely know that this has happened. We would hear her whispering on the phone to my sister "so and so is being nasty, what did I do to deserve that? and repeatedly asking "am I a good mother". When my mother would say something mean and nasty and we would say "don't say that tell the truth" she would say, "I'm crazy I'm 90 I can say what I want, I say things just to get a reaction out of people". So I think you have hit the nail on the head. She has started to believe herself and it didn't take much to convince a controlling alcoholic. My husband use to always say to me, "she is playing a game, this is all a game to her". I just can't imagine ever treating my family the way we have been treated. I am thankful everyday for my loving husband and caring sons. They have witnessed her demanding abusive ways and remarks for too long. I appreciate so much both of your thoughts and words....it is comforting to know that other people have been thru this and I am not the big bad wolf.
also, i just found out my mother was recently hospitalized and my sister contacted my long lost estranged brother. He hasn't been on the scene in 20 years. I hear he visited my mother and she was elated and can't wait to know his children. Before this she and and my sister wanted nothing to do with him or his family. I can only imagine what he is being told, not that I care but, talk about betrayal. I feel like they are trying to recruit as many people as they can to gang up on us. boy oh boy
Betrayed, my father did the same about me. I have 7 siblings yet I stayed home at age 23 to help him and mom. That was about 24 years ago. I always wondered why people always lectured me about doing more to help my dad. I mean there was 8 kids yet I stayed home to help. It seems father was Complaining to people how I'm a Bad Daughter. I was so hurt that people I never met but dealt with mom's care while I was work - would walk up to my brother and question him about me. I didn't know how extensive this was until mom passed away in March. People were praising this same brother for taking good care of mom!!! When father recently went to the hospital in June, brother tried to get the doctor to declare him incompetent. Doc kept repeating very firmly to father that he has a very good memory, etc... So, I would believe it that your mom has also been spreading lies...and you did all this for her.

Is the house legally under your name? Or is your mom's name on it? If your mom's name is still on it, please be prepared for more nastiness to come. I'd also make sure that you keep all your documents secured.

If your mom decides she wants to come back, I hope you and the family have a firm decision on that too. Remember, in the worse case scenario, and your sister runs your mom dry financially, and your mom wants to move back in with you...you
are not obligated to take her in. She has the option of applying for Medicaid and the govt housing program. If you do decide to take her in, this time change things a bit. She needs to be now responsible for a bill.
Betrayed, I know you're hurt and angry and you have every right to be, but I also think you dodged a HUGE bullet when your sister took your mom away. I think at 56 years old, with a husband who obviously figured your mother out long ago and is most likely sick and tired of her, and a son who has probably had enough anyway, YOU'RE the lucky one. My guess is that your mother's money will run out, and since it sounds like your sister and her mother are cut from the same cloth, they'll both get tired of hearing someone that sounds like themselves all day long. Talk to your husband about making sure all the paperwork is in order about the sale of your mother's house to you guys. If you kept any documentation about how much money you've spent on your mother over the years, keep it handy cause you'll probably need it. You might want to find out from a lawyer what you have to do to keep the wolves at bay, then let it go. You and your family take a long deserved vacation, and make it clear to your sister that mom is NEVER coming back under your roof. As for your son witnessing this drama, point him to a Bible and look up --- I Timothy 6:10:
"For the love of money is the root of all evil: which while some coveted after, they have erred from the faith, and pierced themselves through with many sorrows." To me, that about explains it all. It's the old 'LOVE of money' that gets people all the time. Have fun on your vacation!! ♥
Isn't it sad that good people with good intentions only have to go thru this? Boy, you can truly feel for what I am going thru. Yes, the house is in my husbands and my name solely. We are covered. I was the only one who ever took her to the doctors and they always told me what lovely care she got. So we are covered. They don't have a leg to stand on. When my mother passes I know I will only be notified thru my aunt and to be honest we will not be going to her services as she has stated she doesn't miss us at all she is being finally taken care of and waited on hand and foot. We really wouldn't want to go and hear my sister and family wax poetically how wonderful she and they were. NOt to mention my sisters children will start a riot in the middle of the church trying to make their point known "how truly rotten we are--we are struggling
I try to stay focused everyday on my family. My main concern is my youngest son who is in college and needs me to strong.

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