Who am I?
Mom has been living with me for one year. It's not been easy on either one of us to adjust to living together. I had lived alone for over 30 years and mom for 13 years. There are days when I just want to tear my hair out. It's the usual stuff, she is depressed, sad, lonely and board and refuses to do anything about any of it. None of my ideas about going to the senior center or talking to her Dr. about something for depression goes anywhere. I've come to the realization that I can not make her happy and that it is not my job to do so. If she wishes to be misserable, that is on her, not me. Oh, I feel guilty about something just about all of the time. Even now typing this! But what really has come to my attention is that I have forgotton who I am. I work a full time job and then come home to take care of mom. She is pretty good alone, I just need to keep an eye on her. Make sure she takes her meds. eats something and moves around and walks some each day. She has a bad heart, COPD and is on O2 just about 24/7. I feel guilty if I go anywhere other than to the store for groc. or to pick up her meds. I've suggested we go somewhere for a weekend, but she is too tired and doesn't want to "lug around all the stuff she needs" and I just can't make myself go ahead and go alone. It's tough when we have gone on a day trips, she can't walk hardly any distance at all without being out of air, so I find places that have wheelchairs that I can use to push her around. I have forgotton what I used to do on my days off. I have forgotton what it feels like to relax. With her mood swings I feel like I'm walking on egg shells, just waiting for the next bomb to drop. I have friends, but I don't know what to talk about with them about except my mother. What did we used to talk about? I can't remember. I have some friends that I don't want to talk to, because they know I don't like doing this, but I'm the only one, so I have to try to make the best of it. I tell myself that someday she will be gone and then I will have the time to find myself again. Then I take a deep breath and move on. It's like I live with someone that I love, but there are days when I don't even like her. Another deep breath. So what to do, when you are taking care of someone else and in doing so, lose who you are? Like I said at the beginning, we have only lived together for a year. No one knows how many years they have left to live, but will I find myself in time somewhere down the road? Yes, I believe I will, but I guess what is important is the journey I take to get there.