The abuse continues.......abused by 88 year old mother!

Started by

My mean mother (made mean by age and health problems) continues to mentally
abuse me. I'm cussed at and talked mean to daily. The latest happened this morning. I had a new furnace/ac installed last fall and the furnace is not kicking on properly when the thermostat is raised. I had it checked and a replacement part has been ordered. My mother insists that I broke the furnace because I raised/lowered the temperature on the thermostat. I've been called a son of a bitch many times over this. She insists that I broke the furnace and has not waved from's my fault that it's not working. Yesterday evening I tried to get away for a few hours. I left at 5:30 pm and returned at 7:50. When I left, my mother immediately went and locked herself in her room. She is afraid of everything! When I came home she came out of her room as I entered the house. I was immediately was called a son of a bitch for leaving those few hours. As I have told you folks before, I am in a crazy controlled environment. I'm living with a bitter old woman who (has always been a worry wart) has developed into someone who is insanely frightful of someone "getting her".....of a crook breaking in and harming her. It is craziness! But hey......this is my life......just another day in paradise!


Nobody would treat me with such disrespect in my home, especially if I am caring for them. Alternative living arrangements would happen! You deserve the same consideration. Giving her that ultimatum could change her attitude at least toward you. The fear is part of dementia and cannot be helped. She is not so far into dementia that she is not aware of causing you the emotional abuse. She is doing what a child would try to do towards an adult in not getting their way. Stand firm against this negative behavior. Your mother needs to know you will no longer tolerate the disrepsectful name calling.
Sounds like my world. She suffers from several issues and was just prescribed meds for anxiety. She is has calmed down, but I feel guilty so not sure if I want to continue them. If only there was a happy medium. I have a two story house and when I am not cooking or cleaning my office is also my bedroom, I have to stay here. She can be so mean, calls me fat, etc.... hates what I cook. But I love her she is my mom, I just know dealing with a verbal abusive parent sucks. Oh yeah, and anything she cant find - I took it, broke it, sold it. etc.. lol. I have the talk if you think it is bad here, happy hills rehab is worse! But that works for a while, but my mom is a 80 year old 3 year old, her mind does not reason like a fully functionally adult will. So Debralee, it is like a kid, you have to repeat often.
I think the only thing that keeps me partly sane is knowing how aging affects the elderly mind and that we are dealing with people who do not have all of their mind functions. I'm starting to lose my mind from dealing with all this ! I gripe and complain, but I'm a good soldier and do my "job" and in the end I'll be left with bitter memories. To see the aging process first hand is a terrible experience. I guess this is part of the living hell that some of the unlucky ones have to go through.
Roscoe - Glad to hear that you cut the puppet strings for a little while and did get away for a few hours. Whether you stay or get away, your mother will still be abusive, so you may as well get away a bit. I gather from other posts of yours that she was always difficult, so this is not necessarily a matter of age. I have known many older people who have been very nice till the end. My mother has been miserable all her life and at 101 still is. The aging process is not necessarily a terrible thing. I am 76 and still have a life, despite a few ailments, and am not miserable to those around me.
debralee - I agree with you and I have given ultimatums occasionally. They do have an effect if you follow through, though mother is still difficult to deal with.
mover2 - why do you feel guilty about your mum being on meds that calm her? Surely her life is better and so is yours, She may have an imbalance of brain chemicals and the meds could be righting that balance. My mother was prescribed a meds for paranoia and her anxiety decreased considerably. I don't see anything to feel guilty about if your mum's quality of life has improved.
roscoe - why don't you start building some good memories in your life?
My Mom is very similar to yours. Everything that happens is my fault. She calls me a bitch, tells me to f**k off, accuses me of stealing, is very confrontational. I know it is hard. Do you go to a support group? I was told by the Alzheimer's Association to walk away when my Mom acts this way. But it still hurts.

Go to your room (install a lock if you have to) and give yourself time to calm down. Find out (if you have the time) about elder resources so maybe you can get someone to come in and help. I would lose my mind if we didn't have caregivers. I also try to remind myself "she has a disease & her brain is dying," to remain calm, but it is still hard to take.

I don't know if your Mom has Dementia (it sounds possible), so I disagree with Debralee. The Alzheimer's Association says you can NEVER win an argument with someone with Dementia, and giving someone ultimatums isn't going to work. She will either not care (because she thinks she is always right) or forget what you say -- believe me, I know that for a fact. Also, as I've seen others suggest, get her to the doctor and get her on some meds to help with her aggressive attitude & have her tested for Dementia.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I'm looking into assisted living communities because I just can't handle it much longer. And that is going to be hell because the only way she will go is kicking and screaming. Not to mention the guilt I feel for even considering it.

I'm working really hard to not allow my Mom to suck my soul dry with. All her anger & hatefulness. But it is really hard. Do your best to reach out for support and do not give her the power to hurt you. She is sick & doesn't realize she is sick. My Mom's been in denial for 2 years. Contact me anytime. I'm pretty good at doing research if you need help.
Roscoe....maybe change your thought, when you can anyways, thankful you have this time with her. Some peeps lose folks to young. I know thats hard at times, it a balancing act.
No matter where I go in the house, my mother wants to know where I am and what I'm doing. When I complain about the prison like conditions here for me and the bizarre situation I'm mother always gives her trademark reply...."you don't know what other people do". That her way of saying that there are many others in the same crazy life that I have to live. Picture this.....I get up in the morning and cannot go anywhere without my mother there with me. I cannot go anywhere or I catch hell from her. I have given up on even trying to go anywhere because I know the repercussions. Caring for an elderly person is like caring for a little preschooler......maybe worse. Even if someone has children, they go to school eventually and you get a break. I went to college with guys who met a girl there and got married and had a family. I was not able to do any of that because my life sentence was imposed when my father died when I was 15. That set the path that my life has followed to this day. I'm a prisoner to my life every single day. I'm getting older and all the fun years are passing. I have missed vacations, name it because of my caregiver role. But, what else could I bad as it is.....I would not have it any other way. Sound crazy? Absolutely!, but I guess my life story will offer some good gossip for friends/neighbors. They can talk about that grown man who lived his whole life with his mother and never had his "own life". Call it a curse......a victim of circumstance......or maybe 'that's just the way the ball bounces", but this is my life......welcome to living hell! As i have said before, my mother would not have it any other way. This is what she wants.....and she gets what she wants. I just "swallow the pill" each day and try to shrug it off and say to myself......"why me"? This has to be some meaning behind all of this. Am I being tested? Why me?
Here we go again.
Nobody can hurt us or make us a prisoner unless we let them? Sounds to me that you could do with more time to yourself and need to start thinking about yourself and your needs for a change?
roscoe, your story is the same as most of ours. life passing you by, taking a mental beating, etc. its HARD ammit. a lot of things are hard. its fine to vent here but the solution is within yourself. dig deeper.

Keep the conversation going (or start a new one)

Please enter your Comment

Ask a Question

Reach thousands of elder care experts and family caregivers
Get answers in 10 minutes or less
Receive personalized caregiving advice and support