The abuse continues.......abused by 88 year old mother!

Roscoe sorry to say this but it sounds like you are "comfortable" with all the negativity that's going on. (Consciously or subconscious ) you complain but that seems that is all you are doing but somehow it seems you are afraid to
Change out of a terrible situation for fear you will lose all the "negativity" and you
Seem to thrive on it. I think if you REALLY want to
Do something and not just "vent" than you have to talk to a professional in showing you step by step how to change. Period.

How I sympathise. I care for an elderly aunt. I do my best, take her out as often as possible. A few hours after each outing she starts the abuse. The most trivial thing starts it off. Today a friend I don't see often rang, the talk turned to cat food. This didn't suit. She said she didn't want to pay for such calls. She doesn't, I was using my mobile. I find this abuse and lack of understanding totally unacceptable. The abuse is undeserved with the use of filthy name calling. All my requests to not direct filth at me are unheard. I resent this. It leads to violent arguments which make me feel ill. I vow if she goes into care I won't just have a rest day, I won't visit all. This behaviour is ruining my life, I'm not a young person.

My mother has always been a bitter person .. it's just gotten worse. I feel for ya ..

I see a pattern here. A lot of people who were abused either physically or emotionally or had a parent who manipulated them their entire lives still want to please that parent, they are still looking for that sweet, loving, caring Dad or Mom. Forget it. They will always be who they are and worse. A tiger does not change its stripes. Do not let life pass you by like my boyfriend is doing. He will due a lonely man and probably bitter at his Mother for what HE ALLOWED her to take from him, his whole life. No wife, kids or social life. She never even said I love you. You are NO LONGER THE HELPLESS CHILD! GET AWAY FROM HER/HIM while you still have a chance to live. Are you waiting for their permission? It will NEVER be granted.

Silver, the next time you take her to ER tell them she CAN NOT come home with you, then its on them. It can get messy, but it;s off your back

I agree with the person who said RUN AND DO NOT LOOK BACK! They (the nasty, demanding, manipulating, abusive ones) do not deserve the devotion and sacrifice they are getting. They expect it. My boyfriend's Mother was never even a good Mother (lets say narcissistic). My own Mother deserves my devotion. She is a wonderful Mother, the kind that was always there, my best friend. I would do anything for her.

I would not keep her at home. I am leaving my boyfriend over his Mother. She is running his life and causing him health problems. She thinks she can do that to me too. We are considered servents and we are supposed to come running for anything she demands. She refuses to wash and screams our names all day. He is used to it (well, he wants her at home but he gets angry and his Bp goes up) I cannot stand it. She calls me a b**** and tells everyone how much she hates me but she has the nerve to call my name to do something for her. It is constant. I'm gone.

Reading the comments is helping! So many if us are dealing with this situation. I am trying very hard to not have the "prisoner" mentality but it is very difficult some days. So many of us are struggling with this.

I've been taking care of my mom for 18 years. She is 91 and has been abusive to me my entire life. There is NO DEMENTIA!! Her memory is spot on. She is just mean!!! No one will come around her. She runs off any kind of home health. Nursing homes say they cannot take anyone who is just mean with no dementia. She tells me everyday that she will NEVER go to a home and no one can make. I'm told she wishes she had aborted me...... She hates me..... I'm a fat puke and on and on. She is obsessed with her bowels. She takes laxatives one right after the other then she dehydrates and it's another ER visit. They hate her. She refuses to wear a diaper or any underwear. She messes the bed and I have to clean it. She's made an old woman out of me and stolen my life. I never go anywhere or get to see my daughter and grandkids. She ruins every holiday. The family hates her. I have one brother. He has Alzheimer's. it's only me and her doctors tell me it's me they worry about because she has always been a hypochondriac. They don't listen to her. I had years of counseling. Did not help at all because I have no help and can't get out of the situation. The doctors have told me she will live another 10-15 years unless God has another plan. So I feel she will outlive me. Anyone out there that is younger than me in the same situation........GET OUT NOW!!! RUN AND DON'T LOOK BACK. It's too late for me. I saddled this horse and I will ride it to the end. I would give anything if I had walked away as a young woman. But I allowed her to steal my life. I don't have many years left. Maybe someday I will have a little joy.

Monteal, good riddance. And you are absolutely correct. HOME should be a place of joy, happiness and relaxation. I'm glad to know that your family will be getting back to normal life now. That fool could have killed you both.

If I ever meet a man and there are elderly parents in the pic who may need care, I plan to make it very, very clear that taking care of them or dealing with their alz or dementia, even part time, won't EVER be my job. **twitch** I don't care if the man is made of solid gold.

I've been in a similar situation here which ended today ..my fIL lived with my family for 10 monthes ..I went from a peacefully home full of laughter to being cussed at almost daily ..the reason I think he ended up staying as long as he did was he was sneacky he would do it when he thought my husband wasent around ..he wold act nice to me when he was and when he got me alone usually in the car or in his room he would accuse me of horrible things cuss me out and put me down ...I tried to communicate to my husband what was going on the my fil would tell "his side of the story " with outright lies about what I said and did ...finally he did the inexcuseable whille in the car one day he was angry and cussing me out and threateded to grab the automatic gear shift whille we weregoing 70 ...and then he did it ! I was so shook I stwped out of the car and called my husband and told him what he did ...well that was it ..he moved him out today ..for the few weeks it took to find him a place to go Ihad regular nightmares about him hurting me ...I choose not to be another women in his life that he victumizes .. home should be a place of peace ...

Mom: "YOU SON OF A BITCH!!"

You: "Why yes, I AM!"

Exit stage right.

I just moved to a small town in Florida to be near my mother who is 88 after my father died last year. I put my daughter in high school here and it has been hell. Even though, I have my own condo, I feel like I am in a crazy controlled environment along with my 64 year old sister who is going insane and having issues of here own. This is taking a toll on my daughter, she hates it here and not performing in school. Reading your stories has helped me understand this a little better. On a given week I can get 10 of the most nasty emails from my sister. I have had to block her number from cell and shut off my home phone. It is so hostile and crazy...I will do anything to leave in the next few months and go back to where I was living before.

Roscoe, why you? God wants you to learn how to stand up to your mother and have a life. He keeps making you more and more miserable because he thinks, "At some point, Roscoe will realize that he doesn't have to live this way!"

You win an award for persistence. You keep doing the same thing over and over. If you want a different result, try doing something different.

To the newcomers - We are a little hard on Roscoe because we've known him for a while. We want him to recognize that he has the power to make changes in his life, that he doesn't have to be a victim.

Hummm, we can't even hire somebody to come in too tend to mom, because we will be liable if she hauls off and hit them... Mom made accusation to Dept of Social Services (14Nov13) that I pushing her down (86 skcizo w/paranoid features/Demensia), she bumped head on the wall, and her back was hurting. Mom neglected to tell them that she attacked me and had me pinned to the frt door...but what she didn't know is that I took pictures of my injuries fr her attacking me, and had already reported the incident (same night) to the police (28May13). She also neglected to tell them that she attacked me in the court house in frt of judge, her 2 lawyers, my bro, and camera's rolling at the court house (16May13). Now as of to date, her allegations has back fired on her, now they (DSS) handed me papers to take to her doc to see what type of facility she should be placed in... They already told me what I was thinking will not work (AL), due to the fact she might try hitting patients, so it has to be more restricted... What a can of worms she has opened all by herself, trying to get back at me for doing guardianship/rep-payee on her...

Roscoe, you can actually get to the place where YOU do what YOU want to, deal with Mom the way YOU want to, and it doesn't hurt a bit. (If you are like me, you might even get to enjoy turning the tables a bit!) Just keep on helping yourself to a better life - you'll find you like it, Mom won't die or anything like it..

If your mom has always been like this, then it's an ongoing problem. I would let her know this behavior is not appropriate and that it has to stop. Explain that the two of you are adults and should be able to discuss any issues that come up. If this isn't your mom's normal behavior maybe she has some dementia that is causing the lack of inhibitions. My grandmother had some strange ideas which would follow along the lines of your mom thinking you broke the furnace. Being a caregiver is not easy and it can take it's toll. Contact your local area agency on aging and ask what services they have available; there should be senior care and national family caregiver programs. I would speak to your mother's physician regarding the anxiety she is feeling and include in the discussion some of the behaviors/thoughts you are seeing from her. The national family caregiver support program can offer respite; someone is paid to stay with your mom while you take a break. The agency on aging can also inform you of any other services they have available. Like you I am a caregiver and I sometimes find it stressful; I have my own medical issues and a lot of stress at work. I know how difficult it can be; this online support group can help as can a local support group-ask your agency on aging where the local support group is held. Good luck

Roscoe888: my question is this, have you felt like you're in a prison ever since you were 15 years old? If not, then why is it NOW that you're feeling like this? Have you just reached your limit or has something happened that has made you suddenly so regretful of what you've missed? Because unless you've stopped breathing, it's NOT too late to make some changes, starting with the obvious... having someone else care for your mother while you take a break. For heaven's sake man, MOTHER WILL GET OVER IT when you put someone else in charge while you take a cruise or whatever. She won't die of throwing a hissy fit when a stranger is left to care for her for awhile. Take back control that you relinquished decades ago, and take a break. Also, you can't be any fun to live with for her either to be honest. With the attitude you're throwing her way every time you tell her to do something, whether it's a routine or not. We've all been around people that are crabby, and believe me IT'S NOT A PICNIC! The two of you have gotten yourselves into this predicament so now it's time to re-group and make changes. Get with it. Time to break the cycle.

Trycope51, Know only too well about being cooked, flipped and over done, a mind cluster for sure.

Well gang, it's been awhile, but my bro and I have no choice now, but to throw in the white towel, as far as us trying to keep mom at home; and trying to be her caregivers. She called Dept of Social Services w/serious lies/accusation...yes we have proof of her lying but we have been cooked, flipped, and over done. We will be looking into AL or something soon.

Roscoe, I was raised close to this way by my parents. I STRONGLY recommend you buy the book: BOUNDARIES by Cloud and Townsend....2 physicians. You have every right to set boundaries that allow YOU to have your own life. When you are a caretaker to a parent, your primary responsibility is to assure their safety. It is NOT to be their slave or meet their every need to your own detriment. I was controlled but did manage to marry and make a life away from them, but emotionally, all they had to was 'be upset' about something and I could be hooked. Boundaries helped me a lot. It has a Christian focus, but it's not over done or preachy. I took 1 or 2 ideas at a time, and 'tried' them out on my Mom. Surprise! They work! Once YOU change your behavior and Mom doesn't get the same response, she has no choice but to change herself. My mother still tries, but I have been able to follow more and more of the suggestions. When she whines and bitches and tells me what 'everyone else's family does for them', I just sweetly say, " Well, for us, that isn't one of the choices, so what else can you suggest?" She shuts up because there is no 'everyone else' and she's simply saying what she wants to make me feel bad. I live 5 hrs away, run a home business, have a husband with his own health issues, and she wants a daughter who comes to live with her and become her 'be all and end all'. Sorry, that's what my husband gets now that I am married. But if you are single, you have the same rights as a human being....to be happy, do things, meet people. If there are resources, hire a caregiver. If no resources, get with a senior organization and try to find some volunteer help. Find your own place if you can, but at least, get a few evenings out with others and a couple days per week. Perhaps she could go to a senior day care, where there will be other seniors, some activities and a nice lunch...a few days per week. They will even come pick up in some towns. Get the book. Take control of your life before yours is over too!

It sounds like you have become "institutionalized." If you want to try at a life get your mother into care and start from scratch while you have a chance. Otherwise you will be like a june bug caught in a mason jar, and once the lid is off, you won't fly out, you're afraid or your just "used" to it. It is not normal trust us.

I agree with assandache7. My mother is EXACTLY like this. I was NOT forewarned by my siblings of her temperament before she moved in with me. My 2 children, husband and I dealt with the abuse for approximately 3 months before I put her in a nursing home. My own kids had never really known their grandma before this, and now they absolutely HATE her. She has recently been diagnosed with early on-set dementia, due to her stroke several years earlier.

To this day, she still throws things at me and yells at me constantly. Anything that is wrong, is completely my fault. I do NOT engage. As soon as she starts acting like a nuthouse, I walk out of the room and don't come back. (I used to do this when she lived me with, as well) Drives her nuts, but she eventually cools down and wants to be "awesome" mommy again a few hours later. However, even if she is in awesome mommy mode - she still spreads lies and insults me to anyone who will listen. Hence, I keep my distance.

Also, when she was living with me...I didn't just "give her a few minutes". I turned on a baby monitor and left her alone to do her own thing for an hour or two (watching tv, reading, etc). I didn't need to HOVER over her when she was acting like that. If she wasn't being fed, changed, bathed, given prescriptions...then I wasn't needed. A baby monitor helped me because I could walk around the house and do what I wanted to do, all the while making sure she was okay. As soon as she started cursing at my kids was when I drew the line and put her in a home. She would actually call them into her room just to yell at them over some perceived slight!

It sucks that this is how it has to be, but my family and I come first. Anyone that treats me or my children like that, no matter the circumstances, can stew in their own hate for a while by themself!

I suggest getting your mother into a facility. Either assisted living or a nursing home.

Only YOU can change this situation!

First, Roscoe, let me send you my condolences and understanding. My mother has become increasingly nasty to me over the years. I live 1700 miles from her so going to visit is tantamount to volunteering for abuse.
However you don't mention anything about a diagnosis for your mom. It is common for demented patients to get increasingly nasty to those around them. you cannot argue with them because they truly don't understand what is happening to them or around them. A strategy I evolved when visiting my mother, is that if she starts verbally abusing me, I remove myself from the room. Then, a few minutes later, she wonders where I am, and I only see her again if she agrees to be pleasant. This works for at least a few minutes, but I'm not living with her and I doubt it would work over such an extended amount of time as you are around your own mother.
I strongly suggest you be very open with your mother's doctor about her behavior. See if there is a caregiver's support network of some kind in your city, and talk with them about what local options you may have (respite, residential care, etc.)
It makes you feel like you are going crazy, but you are not. You are not the problem here, but you are the only one who can look for a solution since your Mom is incapable. Do you have a sibling or cousin who could care for her for a time so you can get a break? And if you are feeling desperate and worried about your own behavior or thoughts, talk to your own doctor right away.
Good luck, and let me know how you are doing.

I gave my mother her meds this morning and eye drops. I said "lets go....the same routine"......meaning it's the same old thing everyday. She got mad at that......the way I said it. I challenge anyone of you to match what I have done.....did you quit your job? do you stay at home constantly? did you basically give up your life to be a caregiver? I could go on and on. Am I stupid for doing this? Absolutely! Is it a crazy life I have? Absolutely! But, this is what I have lived all of my life......my mother would not have it any other way. Even in her younger years she was relentless in getting her way with me......I have missed out on many things because of her selfishness......you name it.......travel, vacations, dating, female company. My mother ruled with an "iron fist"! She has never given up on the control factor. But on the crazy flip side of things......even if I had a choice, i would probably do the same thing. I guess it was a very dysfunctional life......and it started with the death of my father when I was 15. That layed the ground work that my like has followed to this day. I guess I'm just venting again......letting all of you know that I take first place in the "caregiver hell" category! I have got to have the most bizarre life!

wow- why don't you get some home health aides to come in a take care of your mother and some household chores while you take off and see a movie or go on a date. Take your mom to respite care. Those things are paid for by medicaid I think. I would try anything to get away from my parent if they were negative nancy like that.
sry to hear of your struggles. My dad is negative and unhappy but he is at a nursing home and to me that is part of what is paid for. :) LOL

dads same way with his computer. 'put my computer back, this is elder abuse!!' i find these notes like that. i keep telling him computers often go wonky, turn it off and wait for about an hour. nope. I MUST have broken it. nevermind mines not working either

Get some help for yourself. Also read up on paranoid personality disorder. You are fighting a losing battle if this applies to your mother. I have had a very difficult time with my mother. Besides her narcissistic tendencies, she is very paranoid. It occurred to me one day recently when I realized she has not had one good thing to say about anyone, ever. A lot of mom's problem is thinking everyone is not worthy of her trust and thinking she deserves their attention at all times. Makes for a very strange individual.

I will not live with mom and you don't need to live with your mother either. She sounds as if she needs medications and you need your own space.

Roscoe-you have to practice detatchment-try not to respond to her crazy statements-it is hard in the beginning-you not saying anything to respond to what she says may help-I learned to walk away when my husband was on a rant and also pretended I did not hear him-I felt more in control-maybe it is time for placement and you may want to bring the subject up with her-not to argue but to present it as a method to make her life better since she seems to hate you-it would be an option for her since she is so unhappy.