Caregiver: I quit!

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So my dad has pushed me to the limit. I can't do it anymore. Going to leave and set him up with some wellness checks and elder services help. It has to be free or he won't sign-up for anything. But I can't do it anymore. He doesn't believe or trust me. His meanness and dementia has gotten the best of me and I can't take it.


It's okay.Take a deep breath. This isn't for everyone.With you setting up wellness checks and contacting senior services about him this isn't like you left him in a ditch.Better to get out of a bad situation before you get in it. He may actually need more help than you would have been able to give him yourself with dementia in the picture and may actually need to be placed in a facility for his own safety. Don't beat yourself up.
AOK, quit, you have done what you could, but on the way out, let your county senior services know they can take over. Let his MD know that you are stepping back. He will be much nicer to the Social Worker.
Sea, you can only do what they will let you do! You tried, he refused all reasonable offers, if I recall. Step aside and let the professionals step in.
Sea - sounds like the best solution. You are being responsible in getting him some help. Also as Pam said let his MD and county services know.

Get your life back and look after you..
I have already talked with him about services and he says, "I'm not letting anyone in this house and nobody can make me." I promised him he could stay in his house and I would live with him to be sure. But I can no longer keep this promise, he never believed me that he couldn't stay here alone. Well in time he might learn I was right. I never knew my dad that well, but over the last few years I have met many of his old friends and all have told me he was a mean man. This last year I have learned it for myself. I feel like I'm doing this out of spite.
I don't blame you at all. I remember an earlier thread where you wrote about him. He sounds like a very disagreeable man. We can only do as much as they will let us do. If you start to feel guilty, just remind yourself that it was him and not you.
Well, you have done what you can. It is not healthy for you to stay and be abused. I think we are suggesting that you notify the appropriate people/agencies that he will be alone and that he refuses help. You can lead a horse to water...

I suspect you have a variety of feelings and reasons for doing this. I doubt that spite is the only one, We have had others who have had to leave their parent(s) alone as they would not accept help and then wait for something to happen - like a fall - to show the parent that they do need help. It is a last resort move but it doesn't look like you have many alternatives. After you leave, I believe you can ask for a wellness check if you feel it is warranted. Even if he will not open the door for a wellness check at least he is on the systems radar and you have acted responsibly. People who have not been declared incompetent and do not have a guardian are entitled to make bad decisions on their own behalf. As I recall he will not even set up POA financial and medical, so your hands are pretty well tied.

Are you feeing guilty about your decision? Unwarranted guilt seems to be attached to the caregiving genes.

Take care
Sometimes we need to use tough love. Since your Dad refuses to move from his home into a more elder friendly environment because of his memory issues, then he needs to take responsibility for his choices. I realize that with memory issues that there are times when one isn't thinking correctly, so that also has to be placed into the equation.

If you have POA, etc. for your Dad, ask the attorney how you can get out of it, or if you should continue to remain on the documents. Let his primary doctor know how to reach you if a medical decision needs to be made. Sounds like it is time to move back to your previous home town to be with your friends and closer to your Mom.
Felidae - hopefully someone else will confirm this as I am not in the US, but my understanding is that you can call the police and ask them to do a wellness check on a senior, for example, if you have any reason to think they are not well and/or may need help.
Wellness check with the police here in Yarmouth Ma. is called Silver Alert I beleive ! I was told it's a list and if anything should happen, like he wanders off they don't wait 24 hours before looking. Elder services gave me a few other sources to contact, Meals on Wheels, Councel on Aging, Elderly Protective Services.

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