I can't take any more.

Follow
Share

My mother is 76 and has Alzheimer's and is a stroke victim with various other medical problems. I have been living with her for five years and also have a daughter in the home who is four. My mother's relationship with me has always been abusive and I have shrugged it off as best I can, but recently it has become more severe. She spends her time on the phone slandering me, telling lies about my personal life to any and every one who will listen. This is just an example- I had a child out of wedlock, no man wants to be with me, I am crazy, jealous of her (!) stealing from her- you name it, I've done it. She purposely flooded her toilet last week and left the mess there overnight- I was unaware of it until the following morning(I have severe asthma and Grave's disease) when I had trouble breathing and noticed the odor. Rather than making any attempt to clean it up or to tell me about it, she left it there. This has happened more than once, mind you. After a gallon of bleach, I was exasperated and asked her to please tell me and/or attempt to contain the mess. She is capable of cleaning up after herself but refuses to help with any thing whatsoever. I am a full time student, single mother, and work- I also have serious health problems. I believe that the stress she causes me brought on my disease, and I know for a fact it exacerbates the symptoms to the point I am emotionally and physically exhausted. She recently called APS telling them that I am abusing HER! When asked what I did in particular, she could not respond. I am tired of hanging my head in shame when all I have done is try and do what she asked- keep her out of a home. I think it is finally time that I find one for her, but how will it appear at this point considering what she is saying about me? She has called the police repeatedly on me, called 911 once or twice a month- for five years. I have to care for my children somehow, and I can't put her first any more. I suppose I am venting somewhat, but it is Jesus alone who has enabled me to tolerate this for so long. My daughter is afraid of her also, she screams at her and mocks and ridicules her daily. I am her representative payee, and now she is telling everyone that i don't care for her properly when she has everything she needs and more and all the bills are current. I feel like I have no rights, and when I take up for myself she attacks me for it.

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
13

Comments

Show:
You posted in Aug of 2012.. if you are still on here how are things going?
(0)
Report

Placement is the ONLY right option here. It is always the primary caregiver who gets the brunt of the Alz/dementia patient's anger and that's a lot of what is going on here. When you promised not to place your mother you could not have known that she would get Alz/dementia nor how incredibly difficult and painful this disease is to deal with. This is the sort of promise that is meant to be broken. Know in your heart that you are doing the right thing by placing your mother. Your mother will be safe and all of her needs will be met. Your daughter will be safe and protected and you can go back to a normal life knowing you have done the right thing for all concerned. Don't allow yourself to continue to live in fear of what your mother might do and don't feel guilt about placing her.
(0)
Report

Romans116. I am so sorry for your struggles. Your mother's disease is why she isdoing these things. Its hard not to take it personally bit they lose their filter and some hallucinate and become combative. It clearly sounds like its time to place tour mom in a skilled home for de.dementia patients. Consider the trauma to ur child mentally and know it could become physical. This really sounds like ur best option. Don't feel guilty. We are only capable of so mmuch. Eventually she would need more supervision anyway and if ur working she's at risk.
(0)
Report

Romans, I am so glad to hear that you have the internal resources to deal with this. So often a person who has been abused and belittled all her life finds it difficult to act on her own behalf. You have the strength within you. Don't hesitate to get whatever help you need to activate that strength.

Come back and post about your struggle in the weeks ahead. You'll have a cheering section here!
(1)
Report

I am sure that when you place her in a loving caring nursing home she will try to pull that kind of stuff with the staff and if they don't put up with the crap complain to you that they are so mean. She may beg you to come back. Don't fall for it. They are experienced this and you need to live your own life. Be strong and I applaud you for making this decision. Your daughter will also be better off for it.
(2)
Report

Hi ladies, thank you both. She has had dementia for three years which is now diagnosed as Alzheimers as of this year. She is unbelievably manipulative, she can be two people at once, and the one I see is the one no one else knows. Everyone thinks she is such a sweetheart...I suppose because my father is gone that I am holding on to the parent I have left, but in reality I do not have a mother in the real sense of the word, and haven't for a very long time. I cleaned her room today, she laughed at me for it. It's the last time. I am putting this behind me and today is the first day of my future. Thank God for this site, it has given me a wake-up call desperately needed. It's scary how a relationship like this can cloud your judgment. Love to you all and blessings.
(1)
Report

also agreements are not specified!....Like..." you take care of me for many years so i don't go in a rest home? think about it, it is not reasonable.
(0)
Report

She has Alz? for how long? If you never did like each other then Leave with your head held high! because you are the better person, I respect what you have sacrificed for your mom, ( my dad died in 2009 of Alz. my mom diagnosed 4 months later of primary progressive aphasia, she has dementia,now also, this sucks, i know.
(1)
Report

Romans 116 - Your responsibility to yourself and especially to your daughter comes first..As for any "promises" - since your mother is behaving as she is, your obligations have been dissolved. NO ONE is put by God on this earth to be abused.. NO ONE is anybody else's lawful prey. You have no reason to feel any guilt whatsoever - you have done more than enough and need to protect your daughter and yourself now. Document the lies and abuse - be honest with those who criticize you and warn them about your mother's lying tongue. Don't feel any obligation to keep her abusive ways hidden. A lot of trouble seems to be caused when for whatever reasons, family members cover up abusive behavior rather than confronting it as the evil thing it is. You seem to feel much worse about this than your mother does. That's absurd. I found that most of the vicious "noise" stopped when I withdrew and started to keep a healthy distance. Maybe it was continuing but since I could no longer hear it, it was out of my life. And, oddly enough, I discovered that most of the people she was lying to didn't believe her anyway.
(2)
Report

Thank you for your advice- it means the world to me. @Jeanne, No I'm not crazy, I'm a Psychology major studying Christian Counseling two years away from a Bachelor's degree. I hang my head because, unfortunately, the only side believed by all my mother speaks to is her side. I am the "abuser" and no one thinks to question it. Thank God the police department no longer even responds when she calls. That doesn't stop the other governmental agencies from "dropping by"- I have nothing to hide, but it is the fact that I am being scrutinized and treated like a criminal. I have taken the steps to find a place for her to spew her vitriol elsewhere, and I keep my daughter away from her. I'm done. I made a promise to her many years ago never to "put her in a home"- but it is no longer possible for me to keep that promise.
(5)
Report

This discussion has been closed for comment. Start a New Discussion.
Related
Questions