I can't take any more.

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My mother is 76 and has Alzheimer's and is a stroke victim with various other medical problems. I have been living with her for five years and also have a daughter in the home who is four. My mother's relationship with me has always been abusive and I have shrugged it off as best I can, but recently it has become more severe. She spends her time on the phone slandering me, telling lies about my personal life to any and every one who will listen. This is just an example- I had a child out of wedlock, no man wants to be with me, I am crazy, jealous of her (!) stealing from her- you name it, I've done it. She purposely flooded her toilet last week and left the mess there overnight- I was unaware of it until the following morning(I have severe asthma and Grave's disease) when I had trouble breathing and noticed the odor. Rather than making any attempt to clean it up or to tell me about it, she left it there. This has happened more than once, mind you. After a gallon of bleach, I was exasperated and asked her to please tell me and/or attempt to contain the mess. She is capable of cleaning up after herself but refuses to help with any thing whatsoever. I am a full time student, single mother, and work- I also have serious health problems. I believe that the stress she causes me brought on my disease, and I know for a fact it exacerbates the symptoms to the point I am emotionally and physically exhausted. She recently called APS telling them that I am abusing HER! When asked what I did in particular, she could not respond. I am tired of hanging my head in shame when all I have done is try and do what she asked- keep her out of a home. I think it is finally time that I find one for her, but how will it appear at this point considering what she is saying about me? She has called the police repeatedly on me, called 911 once or twice a month- for five years. I have to care for my children somehow, and I can't put her first any more. I suppose I am venting somewhat, but it is Jesus alone who has enabled me to tolerate this for so long. My daughter is afraid of her also, she screams at her and mocks and ridicules her daily. I am her representative payee, and now she is telling everyone that i don't care for her properly when she has everything she needs and more and all the bills are current. I feel like I have no rights, and when I take up for myself she attacks me for it.


Time to put her in a grp home and bail out ...if she has gone that far to insult you then do what you have to do but from a distance and let god's will be done as you have sacrificed too much as it is and you still over see her care but not have to deal with the emotional stress...seriously look into it and save ur family before you daughter doesn't recognize you...take it as far as you can and if she is making false claims against you its another reason to have her in a facility for your benefit.
You should call 911 on her when she's abusive to your daughter. See how she likes it.
You can't take it any more.

Don't take it any more.

Your mother, you say, has always been abusive. It is worse now. WHY ARE YOU PUTTING UP WITH THIS??? Even if you do not believe that God created you as a unique, special, worthy individual, deserving of love, kindness, and respect -- even if you do not believe that about yourself, how can you continue to expose your daughter to this toxic environment?

You are hanging your head in shame???!! Are you crazy? Seriously, I think you could use a little counselling to see things as they really are, and to recognize whose behavior is shameful. (Here's a hint: it isn't yours.)

I'm not suggesting packing up and walking out. That wouldn't be the right thing to do to your mother, and it is not very practical besides. You do need to see to it that Mother's needs are being met. You do NOT need to meet them yourself. You need to deal with the practicalities of where you will live and how you will support yourself and your daughter and how to address your own health needs. None of this will happen overnight. It will not happen at all if you don't get started on making it happen.

There are several members here who have personally overcome toxic relationships with abusive parents. They are very generous in sharing their experiences and giving advice and encouragement. So if you really can't take it anymore, and if you decide NOT TO TAKE IT any more, you've come to the right place.
Thank you for your advice- it means the world to me. @Jeanne, No I'm not crazy, I'm a Psychology major studying Christian Counseling two years away from a Bachelor's degree. I hang my head because, unfortunately, the only side believed by all my mother speaks to is her side. I am the "abuser" and no one thinks to question it. Thank God the police department no longer even responds when she calls. That doesn't stop the other governmental agencies from "dropping by"- I have nothing to hide, but it is the fact that I am being scrutinized and treated like a criminal. I have taken the steps to find a place for her to spew her vitriol elsewhere, and I keep my daughter away from her. I'm done. I made a promise to her many years ago never to "put her in a home"- but it is no longer possible for me to keep that promise.
Romans 116 - Your responsibility to yourself and especially to your daughter comes first..As for any "promises" - since your mother is behaving as she is, your obligations have been dissolved. NO ONE is put by God on this earth to be abused.. NO ONE is anybody else's lawful prey. You have no reason to feel any guilt whatsoever - you have done more than enough and need to protect your daughter and yourself now. Document the lies and abuse - be honest with those who criticize you and warn them about your mother's lying tongue. Don't feel any obligation to keep her abusive ways hidden. A lot of trouble seems to be caused when for whatever reasons, family members cover up abusive behavior rather than confronting it as the evil thing it is. You seem to feel much worse about this than your mother does. That's absurd. I found that most of the vicious "noise" stopped when I withdrew and started to keep a healthy distance. Maybe it was continuing but since I could no longer hear it, it was out of my life. And, oddly enough, I discovered that most of the people she was lying to didn't believe her anyway.
She has Alz? for how long? If you never did like each other then Leave with your head held high! because you are the better person, I respect what you have sacrificed for your mom, ( my dad died in 2009 of Alz. my mom diagnosed 4 months later of primary progressive aphasia, she has dementia,now also, this sucks, i know.
also agreements are not specified!....Like..." you take care of me for many years so i don't go in a rest home? think about it, it is not reasonable.
Hi ladies, thank you both. She has had dementia for three years which is now diagnosed as Alzheimers as of this year. She is unbelievably manipulative, she can be two people at once, and the one I see is the one no one else knows. Everyone thinks she is such a sweetheart...I suppose because my father is gone that I am holding on to the parent I have left, but in reality I do not have a mother in the real sense of the word, and haven't for a very long time. I cleaned her room today, she laughed at me for it. It's the last time. I am putting this behind me and today is the first day of my future. Thank God for this site, it has given me a wake-up call desperately needed. It's scary how a relationship like this can cloud your judgment. Love to you all and blessings.
I am sure that when you place her in a loving caring nursing home she will try to pull that kind of stuff with the staff and if they don't put up with the crap complain to you that they are so mean. She may beg you to come back. Don't fall for it. They are experienced this and you need to live your own life. Be strong and I applaud you for making this decision. Your daughter will also be better off for it.
Romans, I am so glad to hear that you have the internal resources to deal with this. So often a person who has been abused and belittled all her life finds it difficult to act on her own behalf. You have the strength within you. Don't hesitate to get whatever help you need to activate that strength.

Come back and post about your struggle in the weeks ahead. You'll have a cheering section here!

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