Mom is driving me crazy again. She changes from being nice to a 'you know what' in a second.

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I cannot for the life of me figure out how to make her and me happy at the same time. One minute she is appologizing for treating me badly then she curses at me and calls me names. She has macular degeneration and cannot walk on her own. I know that is frustrating for her but..... She just cannot stay focused either. I guess I am just venting.


Lavender, there were times during my husband's dementia when my oft-repeated mantra became, "This is not my dear husband talking; it is the disease." I think if you really take that to heart it can help you be more patient and above all not to take her behavior so personally. She has dementia. Her brain is malfunctioning. This is not her fault. It is not your fault, either, of course.

I am very sorry that you (and so many caregivers) are going through this. It is painful and sad and frustrating. If venting here helps, vent away! You are certainly among people who understand.

(And just incidentally, I doubt that the macular degeneration and mobility problems are as significant factors as the dementia. She can't stay focused. She just doesn't have the brain power to do that. And when she is a little clearer in her mind she knows she behaves badly and she apologizes. But when her mind is less clear she can't help herself.
lavender123 There is one quote you should keep in your head "It's not me!!!"
I was reflecting just today, on a situation with my Mom that is along the lines of this subject. First I must tell you that my Mom was always tuff love but whenever I was truly sick she was all heart and love, as soon as I was better it was fend for yourself again.
So... one day, during my year of caring for Mom in my home.... I woke up with my monthly "P" , I was cramping, irritable, just feeling like everyone should go fly a kite and leave me alone. So I said to Mom, "I am not feeling well can we take it easy today, I just need to rest, I am just going to lay here (on the couch next to her bed." Mom say "I don't care, that's your problem!" I don't know why LOL but I was shocked, I should have expected that. I was hoping for sympathy I guess. I nearly started crying because I knew my Mom was "not there" for sure! Then just a few minutes went by and Mom looked at me and said "are you OK you don't look well, are you not feeling well?" Then she asked me if she could do anything, make me tea? get me an aspirin?, then she tucked the blanket in around me and said don't worry about me, I'll leave you alone and let you rest, when you need me let me know!" That's when I knew that her problem with me caring for her was an off balance of nature and she didn't like it that way. Since then she has told me "I am your Mother you are not mine!!!" So now when ever I try to take care of her and she tells me to leave her alone ...I translate that to .... "I love you!!!"
lavender, it sounds like my ex mil who I take care of! down to the macular degenaration! she says she can't do without me, and how wonderful I am and that God sent me to take care of her. Then she wants to kill me and chases me in her wheelchair holding a pen, with up and down stabbing motions!!! It really drives me crazy, but lately I decided to treat her like a stranger (hope that doesn't sound bad.) I mean, if I never knew her before and she acted this way, I wouldn't take it personally, I would understand (more) that she is not in her right mind. It really helps me to look at it that way. I also had to stay away for a few days until i felt sane enough to deal with whatever mood she may be in. It was on a weekend when her son was there to help her so I knew she could physically go without me. but she was apologetic when I when I went back.
Lavender, my mother also goes through these personality changes. She goes from being angry to apologetic, then back to anger. It is mainly about me not doing something when she wants me to. This is getting better as she gets older. She seems more resigned now. However, there is a spookier change going on. Sometimes now she becomes a cool flippant person. It is like she is acting like one of my brothers who does this. When she is doing it, I wonder who this stranger is. I don't know which is worse -- the raging bull or the cool flippant woman. I end up having to leave the room for both of them. Too hard to deal with.
I agree with JessieBelle..just leave the room with out a reaction. Because that's all she is looking for is a reaction from you. But if she has dementia...she is losing all reasoning in her mind. To her what she is saying or doing is okie dokie. So arguing is a mute point. I have learned to smile nod my head or say..I don't know? The best thing is just to not react. Good luck. Remember it's not your's the disease.
Thank you for all of your comments. They have been helpful. My mom said last night that she was going to call my brother to take her to church on Christmas. I was so proud of myself when I said, "Okay". She was trying to hurt me by telling me she did not want to go with me. My brother has not been to church with her for years. I am the one that brings her every week when she can attend. She was trying to get me angry and I did not allow myself. Thanks for your support
lavender, I had to chuckle. My mother does that all the time. She is always telling me how she is going to get someone to do something. What she wants me to say is that I'll do it. It is such a silly game. When she says things like she is going to call someone to do this or that, I just say that it sounds like a good idea. She has unintentionally let me off the hook. :-D

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