When even one more day seems like one too many.
My father is 88 and is in failing health and has dementia. Sometimes it seems like early dementia, other times moderate. He would not ever agree to have an evaluation so that we could know which stage he's in. I'm his caregiver, single and living with him. In the past few years it is becoming increasingly difficult. I'm in my late fifties and am starting to have health problems of my own. All I believe do to the stress of caregiving.
He absolutely refuses a caregiver coming into the house to help out. I don't have to assist him with his toileting or bathing yet, but I know that point is not too far off. He has always been a difficult, controlling and manipulative person.
He has extreme anxiety about having at some point to go into a hospital and then a nursing home. That's understandable. He will have no control in a nursing home. He has screamed and yelled at me that it is my duty to take care of him. He says his welfare comes before anyone else's in my life.
I've been in therapy for years starting with when my mother was living because of the way he treated her. I felt I was the buffer and took it upon myself to try and make things better for her. I realized through therapy that was an impossible job given the situation. I'm still in therapy because of the stress of being his caregiver.
Being a member of this site does give me insight and hope, however, sometimes I read about a caregiver going through some pretty difficult times and they'll say that their parent is in their mid or late ninties! I feel many days I can't take another week of this let alone a few more years. He could possibly live in this suspended state of mild or moderate dementia and ill (but not too seriously ill) health for years to come. Where will my live be then? Then I feel guilty that I shouldn't have these feelings even though my therapist tells me they are normal thoughts. I feel as though I am in a state of suspended animation!
Thanks for listening
I'm feeling guilty because I read