I can't do this anymore.
I'm sure some of you know me from 5 or more years ago, when I was caring for my terminally ill father, and trying to take care of mom who was grieving even before he passed.
Well, now that mom has cancer, she is inoperative due to fibrosis, from all of the radiation and brachytherapy treatments she went through. Long story short, she is suffering so terribly and even though the tumor is super small, stage 2 and has no spread, she has to live with this awful pain. She has rectal cancer and she can't even sit down correctly. She has to lean sideways or lie down in order to sit with the family.
She has NO quality of life. I try to make things fun for her at home, I cook all of her favorite meals that she taught me to cook as a child, we have game night with my siblings, try to make her laugh, but at the end of the day, her life is not a life anymore. She isn't a candidate for hospice, because her tumor is "maintained" and controlled with chemo pills, but she's so so so depressed.
I've been in and out of the hospital with chest pain, heart palpitations and other symptoms alike ALL from stress. I'm 43 years old and feel guilty for even leaving the house for more than an hour. I work from home luckily, and my partner lives here too. We bought the house and making renovations to it so it'll look nicer and updated. I wanted to make mom happy.
For me, when I even think about watching mom go through what dad went through -- I cringe. I can't even think about it. My worst fear growing up was losing mom. She's still the same person -- spunky, same personality but SUFFERING. She's on oxycondone, like a lot per day, she hates morphine and Fentynol. So she takes the oxycondone as much as the pain comes on (prescribed correctly) -- but it still doesn't truly help her anymore and she has built up a tolerance. At this point, addiction isn't my concern.
Next week, we were supposed to bring her to the beach house for an entire week. We do this for her every single year, but this year, she thinks she may not go due to her pain. Now I feel guilty for going for a few reasons: 1, my sisters will make me feel guilty for leaving, 2, It's Mother's Day!!! 3, I don't want my mom to feel bad or sad.
I'm having such bad panic attacks that I cannot even function! I see a therapist, but it's not enough. My relationship has really gotten very distant too -- we never do things together, ever. We take care of mom and it feels so incredibly overwhelming. My mom is one of those stubborn old Italians where she refuses to have a nurse come in to keep her company or anything of that nature.
I'm losing my mind. So I'm sitting here writing to you all with huge heart palpitations and I don't know what to do or where to go. I lost many friends because I couldn't give them the time or didn't want them to come over in fear that my mom would feel uncomfortable. I lost myself. I've never been this depressed before and it's scaring me -- my thoughts scare me.
Please send some prayers or positive energy my way. I'm truly suffering as a care giver...