I cannot do this anymore.

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I CAN not handle it anymore and I am going to have to put my beloved husband in some type of care. It will have to be in dementia care because he is beyond assisted living. I was hoping we could wait until he didn't know who I was but I can see that is beyond possible, I fear we may go into poverty doing this, but I do not know what else to do. He is up again after 5 times so far tonight. He will kill me long before he is in the stage where he does not remember me. What a horrible, horrible disease this is. He iis so young, 71, but dementia does not know that, or that he is a kind, wonderful person and does not deserve this. We do not deserve this. Some people might say I am giving up on him but they really have to walk a day in my shoes to truly understand, He has started running away and he just broke his collar bone in 3 places which is the 4th serious fall in the last four months. Every time he gets sick or falls he seems to go deeper in the dementia and I just don't know what to do.This is truly a living nightmare.

10 Comments

Photoart, do what you need to do. If you can no longer handle your husband, then so be it. I have been down in the trenches for over 20 years. My own siblings know how bad it was here (father's verbal and physical abuses) but did nothing to help me. When I said that I was walking away, older sis said that I cannot. That I was now responsible for the parents and would be prosecuted for elder neglect/abuse. They were so quick to keep tying me down to the parents. And I allowed it - since it is my religious obligation. sigh.... spiritual advisor visited my last week. mentioned again of our obligations to care for our parents...

As long as you find him a very good place to live, and you can still visit him regularly, making sure that they're taking good care of him. When you run out of money, there is always the possibility of Medicaid. And if anyone ever makes it seem like your a terrible wife to do this, you look in them in the eyes and asked them where were they when you needed them.
Photo,
Do not feel guilty about reaching this point. You have done so much that many people couldn't. It takes courage to recognize when the time comes to place our loved ones. From what you say he is no longer safe at home. Falls can happen anywhere, but the wandering is so very dangerous in so many ways.

Take pride in what you have been able to do. We all have our breaking point. Have you consulted an elder law attorney? There are ways to protect assets so this does not destroy you financially.
I agree. In my opinion Alzheimer's is the worst disease anyone can have and it's nearly impossible for the family (or wife) to care for the person once it's reached a certain stage.

I'm impressed that you've admitted to yourself that you can't continue on in the way that you have. That takes incredible strength on your part.

Placing your husband in a facility where he will have around-the-clock care is the best thing you can do for him and for yourself. I wish you luck.
Yes, all good answers are above. Beleive that there is some way to split assets between a husband and wife so that the healthy person will not become homeless.
A GOOD elder care lawyer should be able to guide you. Problem is finding a good lawyer with all the other stuff on your plate. Don't know too much about it but have to start looking into it for my folks. Both going to turn 90 with dementia. I will be 60 in November, an only child and am sure that I will be dead first and they will live to be over 100. Remember called:SPITTING THE ASSETS
added to above post:: Believe you can keep one car. Do you drive?
and certain amount of money, may not be a 50/50 split but will let you keep enough money so you can live in the house.
So sorry to hear about your husband.
Check out the website AVVO to find attorneys in your area. You can ask questions, receive answers at no charge, check client and peer ratings, and hopefully find someone to help you.
Photoartc, you are not abandoning your husband or letting him down by finding him a good facility. You are helping him. As much as we might like to, we usually can't give the quality care that people receive in a good facility. The nice thing is that you'll be able to visit without worrying about the basic care. It will be better for you both. I hope that you are able to find funds so that he can live in a good place. Most cities have several places with memory care that you can research. Since your money is limited, one that takes Medicaid would be the only option. I hope that you find something that is near perfect. Alz can get to be too much for one person to handle alone, so I am glad you are thinking about what to do.
So sorry you are having to make this decision but at this point it is your only option to save yourself and make sure that the rest of his life is as safe and comfortable as possible. It is the loving thing to do. What is the alternative. Turn your home into a prison with locks on the doors and bars on the windows and a big ring of keys on your belt. If you have the funds to pay for private care for a few months it will be quicker to place him and when money runs out you can apply for Medicaid. and as long as the NH accepts Medicare he probably will be able to stay
I do not know which State you live in but here in NYS what is called the community spouse can keep the family home. on car and personal pocessions basically everything in your home. You will also be able to keep a certain amount of joint funds. it used to be $75,000 but I believe it is now higher. Everything else including most of his SS check will go to the facility for his care which of course will significantly reduce your monthly income. Medicare has a five year look back so be prepared to produce things like bank statements for the last five years and tax returns etc. Medicaid will want you to account for everything spent within the previous five years. You can not dispose of money the year before NH placement, Medicare is relentless so don't try and outsmart them, they will simply deny the application and the NH will discharge him. Start getting everything in order ASAP, if necessary find a caregiver to watch him for a few hours so you can sleep and start collecting your paperwork. Is he a veteren? If so he will qualify for a vets home which I think but don't know is less finacially difficult.
Once both of you or more just you die Medicaid will seize all assets so any heirs should not look forward to an inheritance. Find a good eldercare lawyer who can guide you through this difficult time.
This is a very difficult position to reach and many caregivers worst nightmare.
As you mentioned he is still relatively young which makes it harder. You should be enjoying you retirement at this time in your life but you have been given a bigger burden to carry. use every resouce available to you to help you get through this. Once you know the truth of your circumstances it will be easier to plan. try not to make any panic moves, like selling your home, ways to manage will become aparent if you can hang on. Blessings for you and your dear husband.
If he was a Vietnam Vet call the VA. They take care of their own.
I am placing my mom in a nursing home memory care unit on Tuesday. I just signed admit papers today and it breaks my heart to do this. I have cared for her for 2 years and the time has come where she is not wanting to listen to me and doesn't understand me sometimes. I have cried buckets about placing her. I don't want her crying and feeling abandoned. The people there seemed so out of it and I don't know how she will do. I hate having to make this decision but she now needs constant watching and care. I don't think I can bring her in on Tuesday so I am having my husband actually walk her in. I can't bear for her to see me bawling and I know I will fall apart. Maybe it will get easier, I just know now that it is tearing me up. I hope I can adjust after she is placed, for I believe it is harder on the caregiver. The mother daughter bond is strong and our love is deep. I love you mom forever!

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