Want to scream! Burnt out and it's only 2 weeks.

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I'm staying with a friend who is a lively 91 yrs old elderly woman and she expects me to be at her beck and call...she always speaks negatively, "she can't, she can't, she can't"....then she'll light up a cigarette and smoke in my area, in which I've asked her plenty of times to not smoke, or smoke in my area because I'm allergic to the smoking and the scent stays much longer. I've mentioned that she has to pay for me tending to her care and she literally wants to pay me less than $1. an hour and I'm here with her 24/7....I'm trying to keep my self-esteem up...many people thinks she's lovely, but she's manipulative and acts entitled. Since I've been helping her, my energy is drained, although I get time off, she'll start saying things like, I'm disappointed that you're going to not be here...and I'm slowly not caring if she has adequate help, after all, she's not family, and she's even tossed me to the curb more than once...and would call me at my family's house crying for me to come back...(since I've been helping her, I've been let go by 2 jobs)... she likes to think she controls my time or what I do. I have no job, no money and have to rely on the measly bit she tosses my way. I'm really feeling negative towards her and when I do go away to visit my family, my mother and her companion are both elderly 92 and 87yrs old. ....and it's just as bad, because the two of them will sit around like zombies and will only react when food is set before them. They get themselves out of bed, but they'll wait for you to do everything, but they'll be the first ones up to go to the local casino, then come home and act as if my sister and I are supposed to have dinner prepared and set out for them...what gives?...I'm so burnt out...I pray I do not live as long as they are...I doubt that I will, I've been nothing but sick and tired and wishing I could appreciate them being around and their strength of will....my concern is that I know I won't have anyone to care for me if I do get to their age, or now, I can barely take care of myself...I'm trying to change my situation and remain calm....it's so very stressful, taking short breaks isn't enough...starring at the wall isn't enough...the minute I try to get a break, one of them needs something...it doesn't matter if I'm at my friends place or my parents...I'm so sick of cleaning up after them, the poo poo diapers, the crap left around...it's a friggin nightmare..., daily, hourly, every minute. It's as if they don't want to see me get a bit to myself. I can feel the stresses of these situations taking its toll on me and if I don't die before the three of them...I'd be surprised...I must say, yes, my sister helps with my mother and her companion, but she is so argumentive with me that it's frustrating....I sometimes want to just be done with it all... I know I'm neglecting myself...I know at this moment, I can't wait until they travel onwards...and I know that sounds bad, I love them and will miss them in the long term, but at this time in my life, I don't have a minute to appreciate their existence or their wisdom...My friend has a home care aid that is lazy and useless to the hilt...she comes into the apt and if my friend is asleep, she'll leave her sleeping and will talk on her phone until she's basically ready to go home after her four hours of service. It's such a mess...I feel angry and exhausted and too tired to do anything about it. On top of it...I don't even nor can afford health insurance. Neither my parents nor my friend knows of the daily physical pain and sleepless nights I've been having just to make sure they are comfortable and nourished in their elder years...they will never know, because they don't ask and are only thinking about themselves. Yes, people will never understand or know any caregivers situation unless they walk in their shoes...I can't even remember when I brought myself a nice pair of shoes. Not that I can afford to.

Angry and too burnout to make a difference.


i cared for my mom for a very long time . i only now realize that an obsessive compulsive disorder was behind her bossiness . it doesnt matter , i wouldnt be bullied around there anyway .
ie , " your dad used to mow and weedeat that hillside " .
my reply ; " yea he was a f - ing idiot to endanger life and limb hundreds of passes per summer just to have a pretty lawn . he never accomplished another dam thing in his life and i aint weedeating s*it " .
then i proceeded to not weedeat s*it .
stand up for yourseldf -- and mean it ..
Agingcare2, can you move out and find a very low cost 1 bedroom or studio apartment? Your friend has you by the balls..She can treat you like a slave because that IS what you are. She has kicked you out once, and treated you so badly, and ....You're still there, right? She has no incentive to change since she did all that to you and you're still there caring for her. There is No Consequences for her actions. Therefore, she walks all over you.

If you can move out, and then approach your friend with a NEW discussion. Start all over. Tell her that you are willing to move back in to help her but she must pay you. You need to figure out the appropriate cost based on your experience and qualifications. Then it would be best to see an elder law attorney or someone to do a contract stating that you will be living with her, the hours you will work, the day off required (example - on Sundays), what is your duties and the rate.

As for paid caregivers like your friend, then she should complain or find a replacement. Or be firm. If you do decide to get a paid outside help, then sit down and figure out what you expect her to do. Light housekeeping (as in clean the area mostly spent at - livingroom?), prepare a meal?, walk or exercise?, entertain?, etc... Don't assume. Because if you don't state what is expected, then they will do nothing but sit down and surf the net or Facebook.

I hope you find some relief soon. Nothing will be done unless you start calling and finding out if there's any programs out there to help her and helps you.
Time to find another job, one that pays a living wage. Your "friend" doesn't sound like much of a friend, and you're wearing yourself out for what? Pennies? I know some older people don't understand inflation, and they think a loaf of bread should cost 25 cents, like it did when they were young, but you're getting stiffed, big time.

If you don't value yourself and demand a raise and a clear-cut work schedule of course she'll keep taking advantage of you. It doesn't sound like you enjoy caregiving anyway, so why do it if you aren't making ends meet and you get no sense of satisfaction?
How did you come to be in this position? I mean, without your own home, without formal paid employment, without visible means to support yourself and caught up in two living situations that appear to make you equally depressed. It didn't happen overnight, did it? So what went on? - how did you get appointed as your friend's caregiver?
I don't understand how you got there, but, from what you said, I wouldn't stay there. If I were you, I'd take a couple of hours a day, go job hunting and find an apartment or even a hotel just to get out of there. You sound way, WAY too stressed.

I mean, this isn't even family. If your mom is 92, you must be in your 50/60's. I'm 53. I can't imagine doing what you're doing.

Seems to me like you need to get out.

Sounds like your elderly friends thinks because she is providing you a roof over your head that she doesn't need to pay you.... even though you are on-call all hours of the day. I say it would be time to leave, and too late to negotiate any type of payment.

As for health insurance, check https://www.healthcare.gov to see if you qualify for low cost or no cost health insurance if you are under 65 years old and not getting Medicare.
You would be better off working for an agency. I'm pretty sure they pay more than $1 per hour. Don't let your big heart impoverish you. Take care of yourself first, others later.
One question: why do you stay?
You are absolutely in the wrong job.

Find a different job and a different living situation.

But as CountryMouse points out, we don't really know the background. Why are you doing this at all? Then maybe we could be more specific.
It is also time to give the home aid a list of chores.. that is what she is paid for. If she won't get off the phone tell her supervisor. My dad's companion WANTS to do stuff if Dad is having a slow day. She loves to cook, they can do laundry and tidy up/vacumn. Have her cook dinner or do the laundry, she can do that AND talk at the same time..LOL. Maybe change the beds for you or clean the bathroom of the poop issue! Most home aides can;t give meds, but they normally have a list from the agency of what they CAN/Shoud do, and someone is paying for this!
Then look around for a paying job, even part time. I agree if you like caregiving look into local homes or check the paper for paying positions.. even a live in with a good contract. for health insurance call your local aid agency and see if you qualify for any aid. Good luck and I will be hoping for the best for you

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