Burned out sister needing to vent.
Hey, everyone. I was here briefly last year seeking support for care taking my now 91 year old mother. Everyone was so sweet, and I find myself needing to ask for support again. I had to give up my place and move in to my mom's house in order to help her. She needs someone here with her to handle a lot of things. Her dementia is mild, and manifests mostly through memory loss. She is able to do light cooking, take a bath, visit with friends, be taken to run errands, do basic tasks, etc, for which I'm grateful. But she is very hard of hearing, does things like leaves a faucet running or a pot of water boiling, opens the door to strangers, and doesn't remember to pay her bills. I take care of all of that now (including paying bills online for her), and pay for regular maid service and someone to take her out 2 or 3 times a month to go to the store, get her hair done and run basic errands. I work from home, so this gives her a chance to get things done and get out and about, while allowing me a break from running all the errands, and have a few hours to myself.
My main problem is my brother. He lives out of town and is an angry narcissist who doesn't have a real interest in a relationship with my mom. He was emotionally abusive and sometimes violent as a child, and became an adult I have tried to cut out of my life, but at this point am forced to deal with due to my mom. Even before she developed dementia, he was allowed to get away with being a jerk. My parents didn't know how to handle him (this was the 70's and early 80's), and he is now an angry, adult jerk. He hasn't been to visit in 2 years, almost only calls for selfish reasons (to brag) or to order me around (I don't set the sprinkler system the way he wants it or whatever the complaint du jour is). I believe he keeps up with my mom mainly in the interest of being in her will, but she doesn't see this. She forgives him for false claims he filed against me (and I was fully cleared of), and at this point there is no hope she will see him for who he is, and she cannot remember what he's done.
I'm trying to make this as short as possible, but he's a long story, so please forgive the length. Bottom line is I want very much to get him out of my life. I can take the stress of care taking my mom, but the stress of dealing with him is overwhelming. I talked to an attorney who said I "owe" him information about our mom, since I'm her caretaker, and despite his violent past and how he's treated me, my only legal hope is to file for custody of my mom, which would allow me the right to keep him away. I don't think that's the right step, and it's possible I would be denied it anyway, HE could get custody or the state could get it. Does anyone have any suggestions for how to keep a sibling out of an elderly parent's life and the caretaker's life as much as possible without breaking the law?