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man i got s**tfaced with a " friend " last night in an email. she would be a lifesaver if she would just take my mother out for a sandwich ever now and then but like too many phony friends shes just pretty much all about herself. oh shes front and center on birthdays and holidays but this aint a birthday or holiday. this is about a lonely elder who wont be around for much longer. if she never speaks to me again i havent lost a damn thing.. she calls mother and i friends. what a perversion of the word..

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Capn - you made my day :-)
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My sister had "given up' her very part time duties with Mom because Mom wasn't as nice to her as she was to her non care givers. That is a typical syndrome, and she knew it. She's the one who told me and I researched it.

I moved 1000 miles to come live with and care for mom, in a wheelchair with dementia.( Double whammy. She "forgets" she can't walk and falls a LOT.) I came knowing what to expect after the newness wore off. Some times it's tough, but understanding it is half the battle.

I got so many kudos from other siblings (that she hates!) that she became jealous and felt guilty and has been making Mom and my lives hell. She started calling siblings that she hasn't spoken to in YEARS telling them I was "bullying" (the latest buzz word) Mom and prompting her on the phone to praise me.

Being questioned by other siblings about how we are getting along, and how good my care of her is has added insult to injury. Thank God 2 out of 3 of them spend a lot of time with us and KNOW that the praise is warranted and that Moms sometimes rudeness to me is typical and allow me to vent.

This crazy sister has stirred the pot in so many other family dramas that my brothers know what they are dealing with and support me emotionally 100%. They are my hero's!

The other sister, who lives 800 miles away is an idiot. She believes what ever the crazy sister tells her, even though the crazy sister has hated and badmouthed the idiot sister for many years.
So....1 care giver, 2 hero's, 1 idiot and 1 crazy.....The odds are with us. Moms gonna be OK.
1st time poster but have been reading, enjoying and appreciating this site for a few months.
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Ugh-bookluvr, that stinks!! At least some people caught on-love the auntie who rolled her eyes. Good for her! Hope you are feeling better, book-I know you have been struggling.
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i feel so remorseful im baking brotchen rolls and making ham salad. he he
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That was a good one, BoniChak. I'm sure deep down, you really meant it,too. Cap'n, my problem is the opposite. My family of next door have for years been telling people that they're caregiving my mom. Even post it in Facebook that they have to go now to help Aunty (me) with Grandma. Hmmm. So where was niece all that time she had to leave FB to help me?

I wished that i could have said that to my bro of next door. Of course, when mom passed away last month, him and sil were so quick to be in the thick of things. I'm glad that they Finally Helped but...it was with ulterior motive. Seems during the mass of intention, so many people (majority) thought my brother was the one caregiving mom! My siblings were shocked when people after people were praising my brother and sil! So they started a campaign of their own. After that, they made it a point to praise how I put my life on hold to caregive mom. I guess it helped but ... from what I understand, my bro/sil were given a lot of bereavement money directly from people attending mom's funeral. They never told us how much was given to them - since it's their money. When oldest bro mentioned now having to caregive father, one of my aunties actually rolled her eyes. Finally, some people are catching on. So, my baby brother keeps texting me, "Has bro come to visit?" And I keep texting back - No.

Sorry about your friend who showed by action that she's not a friend. I was going to offer a suggestion but remembered that do-gooders church old ladies can be so nosey and stick their nose into your business and then call APS that you're abusing your parent. So, forget that...
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I love it BoniChak!! Yes, cap'n can you email my sister too? She belongs in that group of friends who let me give and they take; the main reason she is no longer in my life.
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Could you please E-mail my sister? lol
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@ terrim, if you don't mind me asking how old is your child with Down's syndrome? My daughter has Rubenstein-Taybi Syndrome which is a 16 th chromosome deletion-no reason why it happens they tell us. It presents itself a lot like Down's in the mental disability part and , I know Down's syndrome can have a lot of behavior issues as well as RTS( Rubenstein -Taybi) even autism. I have a hard time dealing with my Mom's needs and my daughter's significant needs- how do you do it with 4 caregivees? Do you have family help?-daughters, right? Do they help or do you have outside help? I only have my husband who is quite helpful but the only breadwinner so he has to concentrate on his job. I ask because I know it is kind of the expectation that we will take my Mom in if anything happens to my Dad and I want to but it really is hard with my daughter's needs. I know you are fiercely defensive about putting ones' parents out and I don't want to get into a debate about that because I respect your decisions and your passion in your choices just-HOW do you do it? Do you get county help? We are just now looking into county help with our girl as her behavior this last year has gotten to the point where we need it. And I cannot help but wonder - is her behavior worse because I have been taking Mom in? And should I stop trying to take care of Mom in our home?

@ Thanks, Always! I am so glad to here you and your kids are so kind. NOW COME MOVE NEXT DOOR TO ME!!! Actually not all kids are horrible here. In her school -she is integrated in a public school- she has chorus with the typical kids and those chorus girls -teens mind you, are soooo sweet to her and made a point of telling me they look out for her in school. It is just that her school is not in her district as her district did not have multiple disability capabilities so these girls live a ways away and as kind as they are to her in school it stops there.

Back to you, capnhardass, your "friend" has what I call "pretty girl syndrome"., I think. I know a few of those myself but alas, do not suffer from it myself.
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so far only screams of no reply. this gal was class queen, fair queen, miss popularity. its doubtful that anyone ever had the guts enough to get in her ass. pretty just doesnt compensate for selfishness..
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Cap'n under that rough exterior you have such a kind heart. I was struck by your desire for your mom to have female company and interaction. I'm really sorry your "friend" couldn't see that. I'm sure your mother would love to have some girl time.
So many times I've had friends who let the relationship be a give and take. I gave and they took. Don't need people like that in my life. It doesn't take much effort for it to be reciprocal. It would be great if your friend "gets it" but I wouldn't hold my breath.
And MishkaM, all I can say is how sad for your daughter. How unfortunate those other parents can't see what a good lesson they'd be teaching their kids to reach out to a child who was struggling. My dad taught me and I taught my kids. All of us have reached out to others who were having trouble and have been blessed beyond words. Those kids don't know what they're missing.
When it comes to friendship, all I can say is live and learn. If you can't depend on them then they are not a friend.
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I am glad you sent that email!!!!! Brilliant!!!! I have care given both relatives and friends and have 4 right now (just took in another) and it makes me furious how family and "friends" disappear when needed. My grandmother, for example, had 7 kids and 13 grandkids. Out of 20, it is me who took her in and my mother is here too being cared for, so she only gets to see the two of us! The rest can't be bothered. They will all show up for the funeral though- to show off and get sympathy- and of course, for the reading of the will. That is how it happened when I had my grandfather here dying of pancreatic cancer. You haven't lost a friend. That woman was never a friend. Fair weather friends aren't friends. If she was a friend she would take your mom and spend time with her and with you and she would watch her so you could have free time. Mishka, we have taken in a special needs child (Down syndrome) whose single mom (a friend of ours) has died. We had let her set it up for us to take him if anything happened to her.
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Ohh, but that must have felt goooood! (I am in such an ornary mood!) did she respond?
But , truthfully, I am sorry you may have lost a friend. But you said maybe she wasn't exactly one anyway. But it still stinks.
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diplomacy aint my strong suit.
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you use the term " friend " rather frivolously *******. i hold no grudges, im bigger than that., if you ever fall ill and need personal assistance ill be there. your dad passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. what you dont know is if he would have required extensive bedside care, id have been there. yes i can clean up sh*t and change bedding and improvise mobility devices. im afraid you dont give me the credit i deserve sometimes. my crude demeanor is a f*&^% act to weed out the undeserving. ive done more to improve your life than anyone youve ever known, the expense was just to keep fuel in the truck. no guilt trip here, im just sayin dont fall victim to my crude screening methods. im a dedicated and loving motherf*&^%.. my mother needs female companionship right now . if you cant see it in your heart to help out then your friend concept is a f*&^% cheap farce. honestly i dont expect your help . i think your as shallow as a paper plate. yes, im pissed, you only know how to take, not much on giving. f*&^ you, thats my current mindset.. if you cant get involved now, dont come to my mothers funeral ill have you removed.. ( lol, i was pissed, still am. )
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mishka,
your story coincides with mine. thanks for responding. hahaha, ill print the email here in a minute. f**k it, i dont piss off easily but ive done a lot of nice things for this woman for her to abandon me at this point.
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Hi capnhardass- yeah, I know how you feel! Do you know how many people watch me and my husband struggle with our special needs daughter? How many friends and family and neighbors tell us how we are just sooooo special for taking care of our daughter and how we are angels for doing it and how hard it must be. And then they turn around and close their doors. I want to scream at them. I know, wrong forum, but same feeling. It is just -all it would take is for one lousy neighbor to ask their typical kid to just spend 10 friggin minutes playing with our daughter -10 minutes and she would be over the moon with happiness instead of watching the typical kids play without her. F**ckers. Pisses me off! Sorry to step into your story!!!

Soooo-just what did your email say?
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