My brothers will not help out. They think it is the sisters responsibility to take care of our mother.

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Our brothers will not help out. We are trying to renovate our family home
so that mother can return home from the Nursing home. But they will not help
us. What can we do to get them to help out? The sisters are doing everything
and the brothers are just sitting around calling each other on the phone
complaining about what we are doing to finish the renovation process. They will not lift a finger. Please help

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I have a sister & a brother. We had both of my parents at home with two Nurses. Nursing Assistants that came to our home also. My brother did more than his share to help but my sister over did her share. I did what I could as I am Disabled. Both of my parents had to eventually go to a Nursing Home because they both kept falling.This was against all of our wishes as we wanted to keep them both at home. My Dad passed recently, but we all know that we all did what we could, our par,t to try to keep them at home.
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"So if there are only males in the family what happens to the parents?"--knownunknowns

While I'm not a proponent of living wills or a medical directive in general, this would be a response I would consider...IF the males have shown demeanor that many here have witnessed and explained...a lack of caring or participating or thinking it's not their job. Bottom line, (and what I was getting at previously) if you don't think you can trust a spouse, sibling, child, family member to make decisions for your care or you are not confident they would carry-out your wishes, or can/want to participate, then you shouldn't rely on them to do so. Based on indicators you can pick-up from people now, you can probably get a clue how they will act in the future. IMO this should be kept in mind when making decisions for your own future care and/or the care of other family members such as a spouse or parent.

Please don't misunderstand what I wrote before. I don't think all males have issues with caring for others. My previous comments were based on what lillyvalley123, the author of the original question and inquiry which started this topic, and others have pointed out about personal experiences with men who have a perception that caring for loved ones is not their thing or responsibility or is "women's work". They choose to not participate, for one reason or another. That scenario is what I was responding to.
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Even though my siblings were born in the 50's and one in 61 we all worked and did chores and learned to sew on buttons, ironing, household chores, mowing and taking the trash out gender was not a factor and believe me my brother's wife is one lucky woman. He is capable of taking care of himself and his wife when she is sick. Mother's are guilty of crippling their male children by putting allowing them to feel superior to the female children. My dad was always ahead of his time and made sure we were able to do everything it took to survive and live a full life.............
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Did Mom coddle the boys as they were being raised? Were they expected to do chores no matter what they were or did they only do "boy" chores. Sometimes these things come back to haunt us later in life. Thank goodness the newer generations have stopped labeling things and "boy" things and "girl" things. The only thing you can do is to sit down with your brothers and sisters with an organized plan of what you are expecting everyone to do to help. If they balk with everyone sitting at the same table maybe the rest of you can shame them into doing what is right to help your Mom.
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3 kids -it is great that you three are doing the best you but there are many out there who do not-my brother who hardly ever goes to see Mom said to me she probably needs AL-I informed him she did look into it they wanted $60,000 up front and $3,000 a month-I am sure he had no idea -he just thought why is my sister doing all she does for Mom and putting up with her anger and bad behaivior.
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Obviously not all males or other siblings are like the one's described in our comments. These are stories from real people's lives. While it is easy to say there comes a time to put your parent in a home, it is not easy to do when one's parent is so strong willed. Not to get into the expense of it. So don't judge us, and how we now "parent" our parent. We are trying to do the best we can, and let our parents live at home as long as they can. Some days are worse than others. But don't think any of them are easy. The hard ones make me resent my brother for sure. He is the one that would have put his mother in a home 6 years ago. We are all doing the best we can, God bless us all and give us strength.
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I think I would let those bro's know where to cram that stupid idea n that would be where the sun don't shine! That is such horse hockey! I don't know if their is anything u can do to get them to help but I sure would let them know how a pieace of my mind and that this is the 21st century and they need to wake up. At least you have your sisters helping sorry the bro's r not helping.
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What is the old saying, one mother can take care of ten children but one child cannot not take care of one mother....this is the truth the old sayings do not lie.....I'm the youngest of 3 older brothers and I have finally come to the realization that they DO NOT CARE.....I will not allow myself ANYMORE to feel all the terrible feelings that I had towards them, i.e. anger, frustration, pain, resentment etc.....After 4 years of dealing with this illness the amount of money I spend and have spend I'm afraid now to calculate....and two of my older brothers live not to far from us...she never gets a call let alone a visit. And this was a women, that the sun rose and set on her sons....not me....I've been with my mom and taking care of her all my life...
My brothers feel that she should be put away, and by me holding onto her and trying to take care of her and sacraficing my life for her is my fault and my problem....Therefore, I will do what I will do for as long and I can do it....and understand that my bros want no part and take no role.....really because they dont care....so let go of the feelings and make the best of what you can for your parent, because if it were not for them we would not be here.....just focus on your mom/dad....forget the others, or else it will eat you up inside....I KNOW!
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If there's only males in the family, it would either go this way:
1. All will chip in and spend for their paid-caregiver or NH, etc...
2. The one who lives closest to parents will become responsible.
3. Most likely the one who is Single or with a job that is Not Important (like a construction worker, or salesperson...not with a Responsible Position.)

Ssansgal - having a sister instead of a brother will not and my not change your situation. I have 3 brothers and 4 sisters. Only just recently, my oldest sis is now helping me with our 2 bedridden parents. Even with that, she does not change pampers, clean trache, do much housework or cook dinner before she goes back home. I have just recently paid her $420.00 for July. Due to my increasing frustration with her, I'm re-thinking about how much to pay her (originally agreed to pay her only $80.00/month). Because I appreciated her babysitting parents while I work full-time, I give her what extra cash I have. Sigh..I will be redoing my budget for August...and will slowly cut back her "allowance" due to lousy performance. I will Not Criticize her in any way. She does NOT have to be here to help with parents. I will just explain that due to increase costs of parent's pampers, supplies, I can't pay her as much as before....
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You have a wise friend, Snickers. You sure can't control your brother's behavior and choices. So make the most of the control you have over you!
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