Bratty Grandmother

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My grandmother, who I mention a lot, is being a brat. I thought I'd never say that (I associate the word brat with someone much younger). She had one knee replaced and now having the other one replaced. In October. For those who are familiar with weather in Northeastern Ohio, the weather can be very fickle. My mother's friend, who is a nurse was in an accident a month ago can't help (my parents and I understand and let her know that it was completely understandable and she should focus on getting better herself). My mom's friend is such a sweetheart that has a huge heart. My grandmother knows that my mom's friend can't help and now expects someone (me) to move in after she gets out of rehab or move in with us for extra help. I told her to p*** off, I'm not moving in with her. When she asked why, I did tell her that no is a complete answer and she doesn't have the right to my reasons. Then a toddler's meltdown occured. She told my mom and I to get out of her house. We left and when we arrived home, she left 4 messages stating that she expected I either moved in or she moved in with us. We haven't called her back but she's left more messages stating that we were awful people and she expected us to shape up and do what we were "told". I'm fed up and angry that she is doing this. Heaven forbid she makes other arrangments and pays for anything.


Good for you Evermore. Narcissists cannot comprehend that we are not waiting eagerly for the opportunity to provide free care and pay their bills when they have own money. Sounds like she is eligible for rehab but doesn't want it. Stand your ground or it will never be over. I've told my husband that if I need that kind of care, please leave me at rehab. I spent an extra day last surgery because doctor knew that I would be at home (hubs works to support family major breadwinner) and would not rest. It didn't make me happy, but I survived. So will grandma.
Ever, I'm not familiar with your other posts. Does your grandma often habe this attitude of entitlement, or is her reaction to the sudden loss of her planned caregiver after rehab a shock she's suddenly faced with one of scrambling the best she knows how?

I think I might have been a little gentler in my response and maybe suggested that other arrangements could be made and that someone could help her make them.

How old is Gmom? People usually do well after knee surgery. If rehab is suggested GM should go. If she choises home therapy the one here offers an aid to help out. What will Gmom need? She should be able to get herself breakfast and lunch. Dinner maybe different. If she has money, she maybe able to hire someone to help bathe her. You should allow your Mom to handle this. Seems Mom understands you won't do anything. I would not bring GMom into ur home. She may never leave. Make a list of things you and Mom are willing to do and what you aren't. Then give the list to Gmom firmly telling her that neither of u will be moving in and visa versa. If she gets abusive walk out.
My grandmother is 89 and she's always had this entitled personality. You hear them talk about millenials and Generation X being entitled? They should take a look at themselves. She recovered well from her first knee replacement well, in spite of kindney problems. The doctor said that he wasn't doing both knees at the same time because of her age and kidneys, only one at a time. She went to 4 surgeons and they told her the same thing. I think that she will keep trying to get someone to stay with her and wait on her hand and foot and the most exercise she would get is physical therapy when a nurse would come.
Evermore, as mentioned above, she NEEDS to go to rehab after knee replacement. Everyone does. You need the kind of intense pt that only happens in a care facility.

Did she go to rehab after her last knee replacement?
She did do rehab for a couple weeks in a facility then went home and had a physical therapist come to the house. While she was in the facility, she whined and complained about everything. The food was lousy, they made her shower with help. She constantly called demanding that she be taken out to eat, we bring her snacks and whatever her little heart desires. But she was told no, she is staying put to get stronger and learn to manage safely when she got home. We took her out once and brought goodies later on.
Evermore, I echo the other posters ---she should go to rehab . BUT there are typically many choices for rehab facilities. Perhaps you can research other choices than the one she used for the last knee. You can call and visit rehab centers in anticipation of needing them. You will have to have more than one on your desired list as you never know about availability when the time comes. Not all rehab facilities are equal. They vary in number of hours of rehab offered, food, off hour activities, grounds etc.
WALK out when she becomes antagonistic --- you have to train her like you do to children. Walk out enough times, don't return the abusive phone calls etc and her tune may change.
You already know the answer - DO NOT let her browbeat you into taking her in. When she starts getting abusive - "got to run, nice seeing you" and LEAVE or HANG UP THE PHONE. I did this with my mom - she finally got the message, but only after bringing out the arsenal: 10 page ranting letters, yelling voicemails, cold shoulder, having relatives call and ream me out. My therapist helped me role play. I stayed calm, polite, and exited. Over and over. Lather, rinse, repeat. To the relatives "thank you for your concern, this is between mom and me, bye" Do what you are willing to with love and say no to the rest.
Mom and I have been looking at solutions to present to my grandmother. Rehab is the only place that she is going to go after the hospital releases her. If that isn't going to happen after the hospital releases her, we are going to get APS involved in this. My parents and I agreed with what we are willing to do for her and the rest is up to her. My aunt called last night wondering about what was going on because grandma was calling her ranting and raving. My mother explained what happened and my aunt (lives in Texas) said that I should move in to help. Mom, understandably, blew a couple fuses. Mom reminded her that the last time my aunt was up in Ohio, was 12 years ago when my grandmother ended up in the hospital because grandma had way too much to drink at a restaraunt and passed out outside her front door and spent the whole night in cold weather. Mom reminded her that my aunt can come up from Texas to help as well, she has stay away for 30 years and hasn't done a thing. Mom, Dad, and I have made a list of what we are willing to do, times and other information so grandma can set up other things for when she gets out of rehab. Mom has very limited POA which means that Mom can give my grandmother's wishes if anything should happen. Which is do everything the doctors can to save her life, doesn't matter if she becomes a vegtable.

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