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What to do about manipulating boyfriend of elder mom. He even puts on a wedding ring to throw me off to think that they got married. I ask my mom and she says no and that she has no intention of getting remarried at the age of 85. My mom has been in and out of hospital and he has been staying at her house, "to protect it". I had an alarm system put in it years ago. No need for him to be there. He fills her head with garbage - "people are breaking in, someone is stealing your stuff", etc. He is the only one there. I am Health Care Proxy and Durable Power of Attorney. Not sure what I can do to get this leach away from my mom.

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Typically, I am against conservatorship because it is too easy for the court to remove the family member and put into charge a professional fiduciary instead who will do the same thing as the boyfriend, only with the court's approval, if mom's estate is worth money but it may be your only option at this point to save your mother. But first study up on what your job will be as conservator because one wrong move and the courts will remove you and put in a neutral professional fiduciary who will drain mom's assets as well as any family member or boyfriend. I would hurry before the boyfriend figures out that he too can conserve your mother, isolate her from family, and there is nothing anyone can do because conservators "trump" family members. Conservators can even change the beneficiary of mom's Will and Trust. If you cannot afford an attorney, turn to the Superior Court in mom's locality for forms and information relating to conservatorship. If you or someone has a Durable Power of Attorney signed by mom, use that for a more hardcore effort and fill out the court forms to obtain a TRO against boyfriend for "due influence", which is considered elder abuse. But do something before he brainwashes those who love mom right out of her mind so she becomes completely dependent upon him. It happens over and over again.
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To be honest, the worst part has been his emotional manipulation of my mom and how upset she would get, after that it was his behavior and potential financial issues.
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FWIW, I'm dealing with a similar situation. In this case, he's been helping to look after mom's house while staying in a room there. My mom is very attached to him being there, but his behavior has become more and more erratic. He's in his late 60s himself, so some of the behavior might be due to age. Last time I was there, he was walking around in his underwear in public areas and some other icky things were happening. Took forever to convince mom that he had to go. The whole situation was crazy, especially how badly she wanted him to stay because she didn't want things to change - even though they already had. She turned a blind eye to everything that she didn't want to see. Thank g-d my sister and I were a united front on this one and consistent in the message.

Heading to her house this weekend to make sure he gets out then change the keys. It's 3 nights away from mom (who's at my house), but not exactly the respite I need! Hopefully I won't have to start eviction proceedings. Ugh.
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need4hugs! I am appalled at this mans behaviour. I cannot believe the gall of some people. I think it is one of the worst crimes to take advantage of sick elderly helpless people. I bet he has a history of doing this. Yes you should most DEFINATELY consult a lawyer and keep this manipulative bastard out of her life. As soon as you get him away from her for any length of time, might she forget him anyway? I also would suggest that if you have POA talk to your lawyer about putting the house and her assets in your name. Then he will have no choice but to disappear or go to jail. I wish you could find out more about him. If you have to get your mom declared incompetent to do these things, do it. It would be a very freezing day in hell before I let anybody talk to my mom like that, never mind take advantage of my family's matriarch and all her hard earned belongs, monitary and or otherwise. I'm telling you that this man is either certifiably crazy or a very smart con man w/a record. Try to find out. What is his interest in an elderly woman who is loosing her mind. If it walks like a duck, it's a DUCK!! GOD LUCK, but be careful. We do not know what this psyco is capable of. Please let us all know since I, for one, am very worried for you. Mystical22 (joyce)
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If she has dementia, and you have POA.. talk to a lawyer about selling the house. Put the money in an account for her use that he can't get to.
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My first thought was adult protective services as well. Seems likely that there is financial exploitation involved in addition to interruption of care and alienation from family.

Difficult situation to be in.
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Call Adult Protective Serivces nad share this whole scenario with them. A lot depends on your mom's degree of competence and whether you have the documentation to get guardianship. The other thought I'd have is hiring a private detective to find out whether boyfried has done this before to others and whether/how much money he is or has taken and is stashing away, if any.
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Sorry to hear your latest update, Need4Hugs. I would suggest that you consult an attorney who specializes in elder affairs, to get advice as how to go forward with this.
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update - Mom's abusive boyfriend did not get bored an leave. I was threatened by this guy to not go near my mom's house. She is also allowing him to stay there! He has a key, changed lock to the exterior storm door and has me locked out of the house! I finally took some advice (after 3 months of this- due to the fact that I was afraid to confront him again) and changed the locks to the house. He could not stay there that evening.The next day he got my Mom from the AL brought her home, called a locksmith and changed the locks, having her write the check. He also told her that I was trying to keep HER out of the house, not him. He put the idea in her head that I was trying to take her house. (which of course, I was not) Her dementia interferes with rational thinking, so she goes along with his wishes, or will pay the price somehow by him later.
Fast forward a month later - My mom, due to being well cared for in the AL, starts to feel physically better, even though her dementia has worsened. She thinks that she is well enough to go home, her boyfriend picks her up and takes her to her home, where he is currently living. He is now working very hard to isolate her from family and friends, not having her return phone calls and to reject any offers of visits or outings by others.
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Great news Need4Hugs!! Having her in Assisted Living will help a lot in at least controlling the guy. Now change the locks on the house. You probably won't be able to stop him from coming to the Assisted Living facility, but you can stop him from going in her house now. And if the Assisted Living was like my mother-in-law's, meals were provided - so she didn't need any money on hand anymore. So hopefully the guy will get bored and leave her alone when he stops getting anything from her but her company. Good luck!!
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Thanks for the advice, ellantz. Just an update - I got my mom into assisted living. Thought I was all set. Guess who she called and invited over the next day - her boyfriend. The people there are aware of the situation. I have the doctors and social workers on board - am going to take their letters and other legal documents and get guardianship. This guy just won't go away, and she keeps calling him.
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Would your mother's doctor provide a written statement to you that your mother has dementia, and is not capable of making financial decisions, or wording similar to that? Even though you have the DPOA, the doctor's letter/statement will confirm that she is not capable of making important decisions in her life, even though she may appear, in the short term, to people who don't know her well, to be "normal". (You may need to share a little with the dr of why you are requesting the letter.)
Also, it is a good idea for you to establish relationships with all of the key people your mother does business with, like banks, stock brokers, doctors, etc., so they are aware of your mother's condition, and if anything "strange” occurs, they will contact you.
These steps have proved invaluable to me, as I manage the medical and financial affairs of my parents, both of whom are in their mid-90’s.
Good luck to you!
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Yes, like maybe HE has Dementia....?

Thanks Need4 for the info on Undue Influence. I dealt with a host of mom friends who made it so much worse.

lovbob
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Is this boyfriend living with your mom or just visiting frequently? How long has he been the boyfriend? How did she meet him? How old is he? Does he seem impaired in any way?
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I read the article you suggested. You state your mom has Dementia - which puts a whole different picture here regardless. She can defend him all she wants, but if he is as bad as you make him sound - if I were you, since you have DPOA, I would change the locks, alarm code, phone number and anything else that might enable him to contact her and tell him that he is no longer welcome there. And I would call the police next time he comes around. I wouldn't tolerate ANYONE screaming at my mom - unless it's a life or death situation. Or taking advantage of her. That's what becoming a DPOA is about - is to be that individual's advocate by looking out or speaking up for them in case they are unable to do so themselves. It doesn't mean a person bullies and controls an individual (i.e. your mom). But it sounds like your mom is already being bullied and controlled and may need some help. I don't know how much you are visiting her, but I would definitely increase my visits and ask others to come visit her or consider getting her into an Assisted Living type facility, as she shouldn't be living alone if she has Dementia because if it's not this guy taking advantage of her - it will be someone else. She is an accident waiting to happen and needs someone to look out for her. But understand this, your mom will most probably be mad at you for doing this so make absolutely certain this is what is best for her before doing so. Good luck!!
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She has Dementia and he has been manipulating her more and more and alienating her from friends and family. She is being brainwashed, that's why she can't even see his bad behavior. She defends him. I can take her out with my daughter and he later screams at her on the phone because he is jealous of her attentions towards anyone else. She puts up with it! This is what is happening to my mom. read the article by Ira Daniel Turkat about Psychological Aspects of Undue Influence
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What does your mom have to say about it? If she is of sound mind and is okay with him being there even when she's not home, she might just like having his company even if it is weird. But it sounds like she doesn't want him gone or he wouldn't have a key, alarm codes, etc. and if that's the case, there's not a lot you can do. But after talking to her and she does say she wants him out of the house, explain it to him that you're changing the locks and that he is no longer welcome there, then call the police next time he comes around. Just a thought. Good luck!!
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